Our Saturday filled with sunshine!

I thought today I'd try and fill your cup with sunshine if it's blue with some images of 'our' Saturday.........but to post Saturday's images, I have to start with Friday!

Friday night is always 'Happy Hour' at the Doyle's....where our friends arrive through our front gate with crackers and cheese and coolers and hugs and gather around our back Table and catch up on the latest goings on....where we sometimes drink too many beers and red wine and laugh a little too loud and sit up a little too late......but where we all love and support each other.....and for our Aussie friends, it's a safety haven, a home away from home.

So this morning, while gathering up the empty wine glasses and scraping the leftovers from the dinner plates.....and other remnants from the night before......I could hear my favorite sound....Dempsey laughing from the lounge room......yesterday, Peter bought a Wii for the family! :)

As you can see Dempsey is still in her jammies, learning the ropes of the new Wii while her Daddy has parked himself on the couch, relaxing after a late night!

Then it's off to our favorite lunch spot........'Chic-fil-A', where the warm welcome from the lady that cleans the tables started to fill my blue cup today......every week her beaming smile and "How are you today?".......in Spanish, along with her cheerful attitude makes me smile and warms my heart.

'Michael's' craft store was next for some frames for Dempsey's paintings....then we quickly swung by Toy's R Us for something for Mommy this time!

I think Peter thinks after all that Chic-fil-A and ice cream I need to start working out......and he's right!  :)

So Peter and Dempsey are looking like fools at the moment, yelling at the TV and waving their arms as if they are in a boxing match.....its making me laugh and appreciate 'family time.' today.

And "voila"  here are Dempsey's artwork from school.........I've carefully dated and taped these precious masterpiece's into their new homes and placed them on the mantle above our fireplace.....and next to Savannah's shelf!

Hoping your Saturday is filled with sunshine today! :) x

Way's you can honor a loved one who has died.

(Note; today's post is for Sara.....I hope you can do something special in honor of your beautiful baby boy to ease your pain....even if its just a little. x)



Have you ever been on a roller coaster when all of a sudden you panic, you want to get off...but you can't....you feel scared, there's nothing you can do.....your body is engulfed in fear and it seems like YOU aren't in control anymore....that's what grief feels like to me!

One way that helped me control my grief was to find ways to honor those I've lost in a memorable way.  Doing this created some sense of purpose amongst the chaos that followed each of my losses.....that I was in control of at least something in my life. 

There are many ways you can remember a loved one, the following are just some I've done but may help give you some idea's to help bring you comfort and a feeling of purpose amid your suffering.

For Tarnia, my sister, I asked the funeral director to cut off four locks of her shiny brown hair....I tied each one in a blue satin ribbon for her children.  When they are older, they will have something physical of their mother....especially her twin girls, who never knew her.  I also cut Savannah's hair into a bob before they took her.  I have her golden curls carefully hidden away and don't have the courage to take it out and run my fingers through it....but I will one day....most importantly it's hers, and I'm glad I kept it.

We also planted a cherry blossom tree for Tarnia, one that would bloom around the time of her anniversary each year.

My favourite photo of Savannah taken two months before she died

For my adored Mom, I took her favorite lilac silk shirt and gave it to Dempsey as a security blanket.  Dempsey still has what remains of it today on her bedside table, its ragged and dirty but reminds me of Mom!  I wear her engagement ring with pride and her picture sits where I can see it everyday.....I am able to smile now when I look at it.

And for our angel Savannah, there are so many things I did, and do and will continue to as a legacy to her time here with us.  Because of her death, I'm an Ambassador to The Make A Wish Foundation and volunteer at The Let It Be Foundation....these are other things you can do.  But where to start with Savannah...I guess a few days after she died.......

Savannah's life...and death...had a profound effect on alot of our friends....one special family in particular honored her in such a unique way.  The day after she died a huge cardboard box was delivered to our door amongst all the floral bouquets.....inside were two golden frames from the International Star Registry.  Our friends named a star in Savannah's honour.....its impossible to describe in words the comfort that fills my heart when I look up in the heavens at night knowing there's a twinkling star named after our precious girl.

Savannah was cremated, I couldn't bear the thought of not having her in our home so as morbid as this may sound to some, she sits in a princess urn, on a special shelf Peter created in our family room, where I can pick her up and still hold her.......amongst Dempsey's toys and drawings and mess and noise and visitors that come into our home.

I searched everywhere for a special candle for her shelf, which is pink with rainbow glass.  I light it and it brings me peace as I feel her spirit is present......its almost buried now in angel figurines, cards and other special special gifts friends have kindly given me. 

However the thing that brings me the most comfort is my gold locket I wear everyday.  You see the locket to other people is just a piece of jewellery, but to me its healing and meaningful as it is a tiny urn that holds some of her ashes.  I feel that a part of her hangs over my heart always....she goes with Peter, Dempsey and me wherever we are.

                                                                  Savannah's shelf

As I mentioned in an earlier post, we planted a rose bush and other families I know have created glorious gardens where they can sit peacefully and contemplate.  A friend that lost her little girl had teddy bears sewn for her two daughters out of her angel's clothing....her remaining girls get so much comfort out of these.

There's quilts and cushions that can be made from clothing, special photo frames, scrapbooking, jewellery and plaster casts........all these wonderful treasures that can immortalize the person you miss so much.

And the final one I did for Savannah, that was so personal and hurt so much, one I also carry with me where nobody else can see it...its just for me in memory of our daughter...a tiny butterfly tattoo!

So I hope some of these things I've done can give you some ideas and bring you comfort and meaning as you travel on your journey and empower you to feel in control, somehow.  I know my collection isn't finished, and never will be........

Wishing you sunshine if your cup is blue today! :) x

Some signs from heaven to help you 'BELIEVE'

Anyone who has lost a loved one is always searching for a 'SIGN' from heaven....something, anything that will help them 'believe' that their lost ones are around....that they somehow know we miss them. 

After losing three of my family members I now BELIEVE and take comfort in the signs I find hard to accept are just a coincidence. 

For a long time after my sister died I waited for 'a sign', something from her to tell me she was ok, that her spirit was around.  I waited for pictures to fall off walls, or to see her ghost in the hallway....I now know these aren't the signs we should be looking for.  It's the little things we need to notice, and I've had many. 

These are just a few..........................

After my sister Tarnia died I kept seeing something move out the corner of my eye, like a flash, like someone was in the room with me, it happend for maybe two months, then, as suddenly as it started it stopped.  I even considered going to an eye doctor it was so annoying.  Just after it stopped my friend Sally called me.  She knew my sister,  and told me I was going to think that she was crazy....then she went on to explain that in the weeks after Tarnia's death she too had this flickering experience.  I instantly got goosebumps as I hadn't shared my experience with her.  I like to believe it was Tarnia!

Since then, I've had so many 'signs', that I smile now when they happen.

The morning after Savannah died I opened our back sliding door to a tiny feather, white with splashes of gold in it, like her hair.....drifting down to greet me.  I looked up and all around to see if there were birds, or a nest, there was nothing, just this tiny, dainty, fluffy feather, floating to my feet.   They say feathers are a sign from heaven and it since then, alot of times on a hard day, I see a feather lying in my path......a coincidence maybe?

Then there's butterflies, and hummingbirds, they say these are messengers from the other side, sent to deliver a message.  I once had a hummingbird fly within a few inches of my face, and just hover, staring at me, humming and buzzing....now I know you are smiling now, thinking I'm crazy to believe such things....BUT, that same day, my brother was visiting us in America from Australia.  A few hours after this happened to me, he rushed into the kitchen saying "Diana...you won't believe what just happened....this weird looking bird just flew straight at me and hovered near my face, then flew off!"  We don't have hummingbirds in Australia so you can imagine his surprise.  Mark doesn't believe in signs but when I told him he, like me, wondered if it was our Mom delivering her love, happy, that her two children were together.

I've had songs that mean something only to me, come on the radio when I'm blue, butterflies land on me and found dimes(which they say are pennies from heaven, a sign from a loved one!), feathers, and dreams.

Savannah's favorite song came on the loud speaker at the supermarket a few days after she died, while I was pushing my cart around the deserted aisles, lost in my grief....it had to be her!!!!!  I take comfort in these tiny messages that others think are just coincidences!

And that tiny feather, the gift I got from Savannah the day after she died.....I carry everywhere with me, its in a secret pocket in my wallet, tucked away behind my favorite photo of her.  It's a constant reminder to 'BELIEVE!"

So look for the little things, and take comfort in them.....I'd love to hear what yours are?

Now, when my bladder wakes me at night and I stumble to the bathroom in total darkness, I still look outside, hoping and dreaming that one day I'll see a little shadow with curls running around our garden.....


PS:  Just as I'm sitting here typing this, a pretty white butterfly is flitting around our yard! :)  I hope this post will bring you some comfort, or a smile, or some sunshine in your blue cup today! x

Learning to 'live' from the death of my sister Tarnia!

You never forget where you were when you get a call to tell you someone has died!  I remember every detail from the day my only sister Tarnia was killed....the day seems to be trapped like the snowflakes in a snow globe, one that's shaken up occasionally bringing everything back.

I feel I need to tell you my sister Tarnia's story, to help those of you on your journey of loss.  To give you hope that grief can be a catalyst for change if you let it.

Not a day goes by now where I don't appreciate the little joys in life like when my daughter Dempsey giggles as she gives me a sloppy kiss, making me laugh......I now embrace everyday with intention and passion to meet any challenge, good or bad and to try new things.  In that way, Tarnia continues to remind me how precious life is...that I get to enjoy things that she no longer can.   

My sister died at the age of thirty-nine.  She left four beautiful children, Alexander, Fraser and twin girls, Emerald and Charlotte.  All are like my own and radiate sunshine in my life....my sister will always live on through them and for that I am forever grateful!

Where were you in September 2000?  We were living in Sydney Australia back then.  In my dream house, with my curly haired girl Savannah who was fifteen months old.  The Olympics were in full swing, Tarnia had given birth six months earlier to identical twin girls, it was her dream to have a daughter, so you can imagine how besotted she was when two arrived.  I was living the life I'd always dreamed of and sharing baby stories with her.

September 20, was a glorious spring day......I was curled up on my favorite sofa, Savannah sat at my feet emptying the contents of a cane basket of toys onto our wooden floor while I chatted happily to a girlfriend on the phone.  As the call waiting tone broke into our conversation I had no idea, that after I answered THAT call, our family would never be the same again!

I smiled as I heard Mom's voice, but my smile soon turned into shock, Mom sounded terrified. 

"Diana, are you sitting down, something terrible has happened........Tarnia has been killed in a car accident!"

When you are told something so shocking your brain finds it hard to process.  I remember standing up with the phone and instantly dropping to the floor, my legs giving way under me.  I kept repeating over and over to Mom, "Are you sure that's right?"

Of course it was right, as if my mother would say such a thing.......Mom couldn't believe it either. My mother told me Tarnia had been taking her kids (Alexander 8, Fraser 5, and twins Emerald and Charlotte who were just six months old) to a picnic at the beach and had rolled her car.  She was killed instantly!

I felt helpless, in shock, denial and felt I was going to throw up.  My surroundings became hazy and distorted and I felt like I was going to pass out.  I had to phone Peter who was at work and tell him to come home, that I needed him.

My sister Tarnia was in essence a mother.  Nothing gave her more pleasure than her four children who defined who she was.  Like me, she had married her childhood sweetheart Tony and was happy with life.  She was six years older than me and opposite in everyway.  She liked the fine things in life like classical music, old worldly things and vintage clothing.  Her hair was the darkest of brown like rich chocolate and I never heard her diss or say a swear word....unlike me, who loved loud rock music, all the modern things and the latest fashions.  However, we had bonded over the birth of our daughters and our relationship was one I always thought a big sister/little sister should be.  I wasn't aware then how much I would miss her in the following years.....

Tarnia lived in a small country town of fourteen thousand people, eight hours drive from us.  So we only got to see each other at Christmas or once or twice during the year.  Be it fate or something else, I had only visited her two weeks before her accident.  I am grateful for that last visit and thank whoever or whatever gave it to me.  When we hugged and said our goodbyes that day, I had no idea I would never see Tarnia or hear her voice ever again.....I've learned a valuable lesson from that last visit, and I do my best to pass it on.....ALWAYS validate friendship and love with those we care about.  Always tell them you love them as tomorrow isn't promised to anyone!  

When I arrived at Tarnia's home the day following her accident, my Dad was waiting for me at her old wooden gate.  We hugged and he patted me on the back.  His eyes were filled with tears as he said,  “I’m so glad you’re here. Everything’s going to be okay...Mom’s waiting for you.”   But we both knew everything wasn’t okay and wouldn’t be. Nothing was the same. It never would be again.

The week following Tarnia's accident, Mom and Dad decided to move into Tarnia's home and help Tony with the care of the children.  There really was no other choice.  The twins were only six months old and still needed around the clock care.  I wasn't sure how my parents, who were in their sixties would cope with their new roles.  But they would hear of nothing else.

Peter, Savannah and I went back to Sydney and tried to pick up life after Tarnia's death.  I cried everyday for months after she died and wondered when my grief would stop overwhelming me.  After losing Tarnia there were some days when I was afraid to leave the house or drive a car, for a long time the old me had disappeared and I didn't know when or if I would ever feel like normal again.  However, I've learned that you can choose to look at the positives in every loss.  My sister had left four beautiful children behind....who'd luckily, escaped the accident unharmed. 

Tarnia's husband Tony and two boys seemed to be grieving terribly for Tarnia and I wish I could've helped them more.

My parents embraced their new roles with everything they had......Mom becoming the babies surrogate mother.  I also saw a new side to my Dad, washing bottles and changing diapers, something he'd never done in the past.  I didn't know it then but my mom would be the next loved one I would lose.

Within months of Tarnia's death she was battling Ovarian Cancer, chemotherapy and all the horrid things that cancer brings.  But my mother was an amazing woman and never complained.  She set such an amazing example through the grace she showed, handling the death of her daughter and living day to day with her cancer that she would be, and continues to be my inspiration and bring me sunshine when I think of her.


I wouldn't have believed back then that within three months of losing my sister, Peter, Savannah and I would pack up our lives in Sydney, move to Tarnia's tiny town and be watching my mother fade away, losing her battle with life....but then that's another story............................



Note;  I've been given a wonderful book on 'A Guide to Children and Grief' by Miri Rossitto.  You can contact Miri at http://www.valleyoflife.com/ to purchase your copy for $4.99.  Miri has worked and talked with others who have lost a loved one, the topic of children and grief has come up often.

This book is intended for those that were looking for help and couldn't find it.  I wish I had a copy after my sister's death for her children.  Check out her site....there are some wonderful resources there. :)

"Friends"

Dempsey with two of her best friends....my sister's twins Emerald and Charlotte.....Dempsey's cousins who adore her :)

You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. "Charlotte from Charlotte's Web"


So I'm sitting here with my laptop on my lap :)  I feel an overwhelming sense of being loved today! 

Friends, what does that word conjure up for you?  I looked it up in my online dictionary what the definition of a friend is...this is what they say:  a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

What is a friend to you?  A friend to me is someone who is there for you 24/7, sometimes they just listen, or embrace you in a hug, make you laugh, or cry, and sometimes they offer advice, whether it be good or bad......and sometimes, they provide you with all you need to get through a day!

After Savannah died, I lost alot of 'friends', I think my grief and loss was too hard for some.  Before my daugther died, I was one of those girlfriends that you wanted to have around, when times were good and I would dance on an occasional table or be funny, ....but then the times set in when I needed a bit more than just laughter and light heartedness.....when I needed someone to ask three little words!  "How are you?"  Just a few words but so powerful and meaningful to someone who has lost their way.

My Dad has always said to me that you are very lucky if you can count your true friends on one hand!  I feel very lucky!  Now, today, I'm fortunate to have such very very special friends, who have become a lifeline, even when they don't know it.  They make me laugh out loud sometimes, and sometimes they fill me with such an overwhelming sense of grattitude at how lucky I am...it really is a physical feeling that causes a warm feeling in my soul.

Anyone going through a loss or challenge needs to surrounds themselves with true friends, energy givers I call them!  I've got rid of all my energy suckers, people that were in my life for the wrong reasons and who sucked the energy out of me....somedays when I had none.

So now I tell all those who help me survive, who put light in my life how important they are to me......maybe one day they'll need my ear to listen.  I'll feel so blessed to have been able to have helped them the way they have me!

On my blue days I know I have a handful of people that I can turn to who will make me feel better, make me feel loved and fill my blue cup with sunshine!  I hope you do to! :) x

PS; just as I hit the post button to publish this....a downy white feather floated down from the sky and landed a few feet away from me, my neighbor Renee who has just lost her cousin was with me...so we were fighting over who the feather was for :) ....they say feathers are a sign from a loved one in heaven(which I'll write about in another blog)....I can only imagine its one of my loved ones letting me know they are thinking of me :)

Memories are immeasurable.  They can nourish us, make us smile and make us cry.  When my mom was sick with ovarian cancer she once said to me, "Darling, at the end of each day, all any of us have is photos and memories."  How true! 

Sometimes memories are the only thing we have left.  Something so simple and something that can't be purchased with money. 

When Savannah was dying, I remembered my mothers enlightening words and tried to collect and hoarde as many "happy" memories as I could for the later....for when my curly haired girl would no longer be with us.  They mean more to me now than any material thing I have of hers.  They are something I can pull up in my mind anytime of the day or night.  They are comforting but bittersweet, however, most of the time make me smile and be grateful.

Now, I have a habit of really relishing in a moment, being present at that second in time so I can take a mental snapshot to store away for later if I need it.  I hope you can find a happy memory to store away today that you can call up in the future to provide a little bit of sunshine in your day! x

No time like the present!

Well, I've finally done it...I've been procrastinating about it for so long now, worried about a theme, and who, if anyone would be interested in what I write...so here goes!


A bit about why I write and who I am and why getting down my thoughts will be so important....to me anyway! :) While umming and arring over doing this blog, a funny thing happened, I received an email from a stranger that had read some writing I have published on the Internet, encouraging me to keep writing...so here I am.....thanks to Glenna...whoever you are!


I'm a mom of two beautiful little girls although only one is here with us. Our oldest daughter Savannah died at the age of four and a half, six years ago. It still feels like yesterday.


The death of a child certainly changes your soul, your world and whats important in life. I feel I've had two live's...the one before September 2000 and the one after. In the one before I was living a fairytale existence, married to the man of my dreams and doting over an adorable curly haired little baby girl. Innocent and carefree of any sort of loss or challenges in my life.


Then my life became an out of control roller coaster, sending me from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows...and there was NO getting off!


Within 3 years I lost three of the most important people in my life...my sister, then my mother and finally, incomprehensibly, my daughter Savannah.....all to different deaths. Looking back, I don't know how I survived. I still have people today ask me how I get out of bed everyday......this has inspired me to write my take on life.


Sometimes this space may be filled with inspiration, sometimes just crazy tit bits, sometimes an insight into how an everyday mom survives some tough days and sometimes my sunshine....my outlook on things stirred with a bit of fun....but most of all I want it to inspire others to realize that you can face any challenge and survive...even become a better person sometimes because of hardship. I want to remind people to look at the joy the little things in life can bring you.


I want to write about my everyday comings and goings which I find to be miracles and how my family and friends have become one of my survival tools and give me a reason to smile again.


Then there is Dempsey...our other daughter who is 7, who is healthy, who wakes every morning with a happiness that is contagious, who skips through the gate at school everyday, leaving me smiling...and shaking my head as I drive away. Who has the biggest cutest dimples that are a gift from God, who is ALIVE, who is my world, my reason for getting out of bed everyday....she is my HOPE, my joy, my Sunshine in a Blue Cup!


I hope in reading what I write you can find YOUR sunshine, or some sunshine, or a smile, no matter how blue things get :)


Welcome friend! x