Opening Pandora's Box!

.
Do you ever wish sometimes you could avoid places, things or people that have a painful memory attached? I know I do.


Somedays, I pick my battles…..if I’m feeling strong then I’ll attempt whatever the task might be. And on days when I’m feeling kinda fragile, or like when I don’t want my happy mood ruined, I don’t do those things that I know will bring me unraveled.


Well, on the weekend I had one of those days, where I had to face some memories that I knew would be challenging and drag my mood down…..but it couldn’t be avoided.


We’ve had our old furniture, and ‘stuff’ (it’s the stuff that always gets me) stored away in an old barn, down here in the country. But the barn has been sold so we had one day to move it all out. I knew it would be like opening Pandora’s Box…..and it was!


We drove the hour away to a muddy block, littered with puddles and weeds where the old grey barn is….where our past had been stuffed into cardboard boxes, what's inside has been scrawled on top with black sharpies.  There were beds, a billiard table, mirrors, an old notice board, pinned with dusty photos of mum and Tarnia and Tone's wedding and…….Savannah’s stuff!

     One of the mirrors I dusted off from our old Sydney house.



And one of the things that struck me was how we do things all the time not thinking of the future….not aware of the fact that time doesn’t stand still….things change like the fashions and people die. And when we boxed up all our 'stuff'' we had no idea that Savannah wouldn’t be returning, enchanted with all her baby toys, plastic colored blocks and other things we carefully wrapped and stacked away. We thought we were coming back for it, all of us………………


Peter and Tone unlocked and pushed the heavy tin door open, a musty old smell hit me first and then there it’s was…our old life, right before my eyes. I took a deep breath in, knowing it was only a matter of boxes until I found something of Savannah’s.


And through grief, you do become resilient, strong sometimes, and sometimes that strength crumbles, over something as small as a crib blanket in a mouldy old cardboard box, nothing cushions those blows, not even the many feather filled ones I saw scattered around the barn that belonged to our beautiful cream sofa…ten years ago!


Under a tarp was more 'stuff'. Years ago, Peter had spent hours in our garage in Sydney when I was pregnant with Savannah. Meticulously building a beautiful wooden change table, cradle and high chair. He would rush home from work and disappear into the garage, shaving away the wood and shaping it into furniture with all his love. It was difficult to see her things and reflect on the unfairness of how our world has changed in that time……but that’s grief, and I was ready for it.

   Savannah as a beautiful baby taken on Peter's change table in Sydney.



You do learn to grow around your grief, to mould your life into something different.’ But unlike the spider webs that had grown and covered a lot of our things in the barn, that you can gently brush away….you can’t wipe away the webs of grief…..they don’t go away, ever. Grief continues to weave and intertwine in the corners of your life……you just learn to acknowledge it, pick your battles and embrace it some days. Like I did on Sunday.


I did grab a few things of Savannah’s that I couldn’t give away, throw out or leave behind. A small set of plastic dogs she loved that I remembered her playing with. I gave them to Demps, whose face lit up when I told her they belonged to her sister. And a soft fluffy mint green blanket that Mom had given me for Savannah. I still remember my delicate newborn swaddled in it. Dempsey saw it last night, hanging on the back of a chair here. She asked me a hundred and one questions about it! Asked me why the one Nannie bought for her wasn’t the same color and didn’t have the same toy figures printed on it. “Can I have it Mummy?” She asked. I told her I thought her sister would love that!

   Savannah's dogs....they are living in Dempsey's bed now :)



So today I washed the blanket, it’s flapping outside on our clothes line in the breeze……the plastic dogs I found scattered in Dempsey’s bed, she’s sleeping with them….. and the rest of the 'stuff' .....well, it's been re-stored in a shipping container or at the dump.

I had to let go of my child, say goodbye forever, but if some little memories can bring me a bit of peace, or comfort to Dempsey, then its silly not to hang onto them or to challenge a day where I know I will confront my emotions head on.

Savannah's blanket today flapping in the breeze on our clothes line.



As Peter slammed the barn door and we left grubby and tired after the purge, I did wonder where we’ll be and who will be with us when we next open those boxes. But until then, I’ll continue to highlight the things I value like memories and mementos that are simply priceless to me!


.
PS; Hours after I posted this I had to add this picture I just took tonight as I put Demps into bed...I told her I had a surprise and gave her Savannah's blanket...she grabbed it and wrapped herself up in her pink blanket my mum gave her and also her sisters....you can see the happiness and comfort in her eyes....things like this pull at my heartstrings but also warm my soul so I had to share... :)

.

Way's you can honor a loved one who has died.

(Note; today's post is for Sara.....I hope you can do something special in honor of your beautiful baby boy to ease your pain....even if its just a little. x)



Have you ever been on a roller coaster when all of a sudden you panic, you want to get off...but you can't....you feel scared, there's nothing you can do.....your body is engulfed in fear and it seems like YOU aren't in control anymore....that's what grief feels like to me!

One way that helped me control my grief was to find ways to honor those I've lost in a memorable way.  Doing this created some sense of purpose amongst the chaos that followed each of my losses.....that I was in control of at least something in my life. 

There are many ways you can remember a loved one, the following are just some I've done but may help give you some idea's to help bring you comfort and a feeling of purpose amid your suffering.

For Tarnia, my sister, I asked the funeral director to cut off four locks of her shiny brown hair....I tied each one in a blue satin ribbon for her children.  When they are older, they will have something physical of their mother....especially her twin girls, who never knew her.  I also cut Savannah's hair into a bob before they took her.  I have her golden curls carefully hidden away and don't have the courage to take it out and run my fingers through it....but I will one day....most importantly it's hers, and I'm glad I kept it.

We also planted a cherry blossom tree for Tarnia, one that would bloom around the time of her anniversary each year.

My favourite photo of Savannah taken two months before she died

For my adored Mom, I took her favorite lilac silk shirt and gave it to Dempsey as a security blanket.  Dempsey still has what remains of it today on her bedside table, its ragged and dirty but reminds me of Mom!  I wear her engagement ring with pride and her picture sits where I can see it everyday.....I am able to smile now when I look at it.

And for our angel Savannah, there are so many things I did, and do and will continue to as a legacy to her time here with us.  Because of her death, I'm an Ambassador to The Make A Wish Foundation and volunteer at The Let It Be Foundation....these are other things you can do.  But where to start with Savannah...I guess a few days after she died.......

Savannah's life...and death...had a profound effect on alot of our friends....one special family in particular honored her in such a unique way.  The day after she died a huge cardboard box was delivered to our door amongst all the floral bouquets.....inside were two golden frames from the International Star Registry.  Our friends named a star in Savannah's honour.....its impossible to describe in words the comfort that fills my heart when I look up in the heavens at night knowing there's a twinkling star named after our precious girl.

Savannah was cremated, I couldn't bear the thought of not having her in our home so as morbid as this may sound to some, she sits in a princess urn, on a special shelf Peter created in our family room, where I can pick her up and still hold her.......amongst Dempsey's toys and drawings and mess and noise and visitors that come into our home.

I searched everywhere for a special candle for her shelf, which is pink with rainbow glass.  I light it and it brings me peace as I feel her spirit is present......its almost buried now in angel figurines, cards and other special special gifts friends have kindly given me. 

However the thing that brings me the most comfort is my gold locket I wear everyday.  You see the locket to other people is just a piece of jewellery, but to me its healing and meaningful as it is a tiny urn that holds some of her ashes.  I feel that a part of her hangs over my heart always....she goes with Peter, Dempsey and me wherever we are.

                                                                  Savannah's shelf

As I mentioned in an earlier post, we planted a rose bush and other families I know have created glorious gardens where they can sit peacefully and contemplate.  A friend that lost her little girl had teddy bears sewn for her two daughters out of her angel's clothing....her remaining girls get so much comfort out of these.

There's quilts and cushions that can be made from clothing, special photo frames, scrapbooking, jewellery and plaster casts........all these wonderful treasures that can immortalize the person you miss so much.

And the final one I did for Savannah, that was so personal and hurt so much, one I also carry with me where nobody else can see it...its just for me in memory of our daughter...a tiny butterfly tattoo!

So I hope some of these things I've done can give you some ideas and bring you comfort and meaning as you travel on your journey and empower you to feel in control, somehow.  I know my collection isn't finished, and never will be........

Wishing you sunshine if your cup is blue today! :) x

Memories are immeasurable.  They can nourish us, make us smile and make us cry.  When my mom was sick with ovarian cancer she once said to me, "Darling, at the end of each day, all any of us have is photos and memories."  How true! 

Sometimes memories are the only thing we have left.  Something so simple and something that can't be purchased with money. 

When Savannah was dying, I remembered my mothers enlightening words and tried to collect and hoarde as many "happy" memories as I could for the later....for when my curly haired girl would no longer be with us.  They mean more to me now than any material thing I have of hers.  They are something I can pull up in my mind anytime of the day or night.  They are comforting but bittersweet, however, most of the time make me smile and be grateful.

Now, I have a habit of really relishing in a moment, being present at that second in time so I can take a mental snapshot to store away for later if I need it.  I hope you can find a happy memory to store away today that you can call up in the future to provide a little bit of sunshine in your day! x