Saturday, May 9, 2015

Motherless Mother's Day.....a day without your child. X

I have my sister’s twins living with us at the moment.  On Thursday they locked themselves out of their house.  After a locksmith let us in, I sat on their couch waiting for them to collect their things.

I sat quietly in their lounge room waiting for them.  I looked up at the walls, at photos of my sister, one with her sitting with baby Emerald…. her arms wrapped protectively around Emmy’s bunny rug.  She was beaming. 
I sat there staring at the photo, thinking how unfair it is that the girls, my nieces, won’t ever know that love, that protectiveness like a lioness that only a mother can give.  That unconditional love!  And when they’re with me while their dad works, I kiss them good night and tell them I love them every night, I know its not the same.
It’s Mother’s Day tomorrow and already I’m hating on the day.
Already everyone on Facebook is loading up happy photos of their alive mothers…..the shops around my town are adorned with advertisements for Mother’s Day and it hurts.
Every. Single. Year.
I wait for a different feeling to wash over me. But it doesn’t.  On days’ like Mother’s Day the pain is unavoidable.  I feel like it’s a triple whammy, especially this year having my sister’s girls with me. 
I know they feel it, like I feel sad I don’t have my mum here, or my daughter.  It’s shit that I have to text my sister’s kids to say I’m thinking of them.  And I know I have Dempsey, which people remind me of….but this day will always be incomplete for me.  I feel the sting, and the ache runs deep.

Oh how I wish I could phone my mum, or have a wine with my sister tomorrow, or have BOTH my girls throw their arms around my neck and say “Happy Mother’s Day Mummy!”  but I know that’s impossible. 
My mother had such a presence…a way of making not just me but everyone feel special.  And I guess I miss that.  And I guess that’s ok too.  At least I can own my feelings of longing, which is a step towards healing.

When I was a little girl, I would wake early on Mother’s Day morning and ride my bike around our neighborhood, stealing the prettiest flowers I could find over the fence of our neighbours…I never got caught either!!! J  I couldn’t wait to ride home and gift them to Mum…just to see her reaction and smile.  How do you replace that?

Last weekend I saw my cousin, who lost her son Paul when he was 32.    Heash had a friend visiting who’s  daughter Catherine has also died.....and its weird but we sat in the room.... and we were happy and laughing!  And I thought how astounding it is that we three mum’s have all lost children, and we were in the same room. 
A club nobody wants to join, however there we were....surviving, smiling and still enjoying life.  None of us have our mum’s either. 
It was weird, but to anyone who’s lost or has just suffered the loss of their mother or child….you do survive, and you do embrace life again….sometimes with a scary passion.  Death has taught me that!
                                                   this was taken on Mother's Day with Savvy
I hope tomorrow I’ll find comfort in my sisters girls, and in Dempsey.....she also made me a Mother. 
But I’ll avoid the happy places, I’ll probably cry as I always do, I’ll long for Savannah and my Mum, but I’ll also remember their love…..and that will always live deep within me, and help me when I'm down....and never, ever go away…..