It’s a strange time of year to be blogging I know...the night before Santa arrives…a night when I have so many things I should be doing, like wrapping those few straggler presents…emailing people back…and cleaning up my dinner dishes….but I feel like writing, so I thought I’d put fingers on the keyboards.
I’ve so many emotions swirling around this week…this time of year…especially with all that’s happened in Sandy Hook, with the tragic shootings. I can’t even begin to imagine what the families who’ve lost loved ones are going through tonight. It truly rips at my heart…..
The absolute endless sadness and longing I know they must be going through and of course the unanswered questions as to ‘Why?’ My heart goes out to all of those grieving who must be in the clutches of the worst grief has to offer. Tomorrow, I’ll spend time while enjoying my Christmas with quiet thoughts of them.
My mood has been affected a lot by the tragic events in the USA, also because my precious Dad has been in hospital with breathing difficulties and it seems he’s not Superman as I thought he always was. And this is playing deep in my psyche too. I’m not ready yet to lose him too.
Lately, I’ve been surrounded by love and invitations to many social, joyful “Christmassy” outings that have stirred up the evil twin in me that yearns for Savannah and all my loved ones around this time of year. I listen to people complaining about trivial shit and over indulgent children and how many presents their kids are getting this year…when what I want Santa to bring me will never be…but you can’t mention that reality cos it’s not politically correct…so I stay silent…but sometimes it eats me up like some vile virus...
On a more positive note, which I prefer….last week, I had the privilege of taking my beautiful twin nieces shopping…for their first ever bra! A right of passage for us girls, something soooo important as a teenager…and one I still vividly remember experiencing with my mum. The embarrassment....and excitement mixed in together as a stranger fits you in a pretty pink piece of satin.
And as I stood outside the change rooms, while Emerald and Charlotte tried on trendy size A bra’s… sticking their heads through the maroon curtain with giggles and questions…. I thought a lot about my sister Tarnia…how sad it is that she isn’t here to enjoy this moment…also, how I have this honor with my nieces that I didn’t have with my own daughter Savannah…AND how these moments are what counts…being there for the ones that need us, being present and loving with all that we have….
I can’t change my circumstances….but I can be grateful that I’ve had this pleasure with Emerald and Charlotte…a once in a lifetime thing for us girlies…and it was…. and I thank their Dad for allowing me that!
We’ve had warm balmy days here lately…ones where the cicadas chirp in tune with the frogs in our lake…where the breeze on our back deck is like nights I remember as a kid. Where strangers in shops are tired but happy…who are all on the same mission as us…to spread love and spend time with those precious to them….that’s what Christmas is to me these days…..
The kids have been making great use of our new pool…the giggles and happiness I hear coming out of this fiberglass pit filled with water is music to my soul…even if they are loud…they are alive and full of innocent delight…and this stuff fuels my soul.
So tomorrow is Christmas…just now, I sat with my elbows resting on our kitchen bench asking Dempsey what she thinks Christmas is all about.
And as she stuffed a few more kernel’s of popcorn into her mouth…through her warbled words…this was her take….out of the mouth of my ten year old babe…maybe some of what I tell her does get through…..her words…my Christmas present this year…what more could a Mama hope for…
“I think Christmas is about being grateful that I’m here and being joyful and spreading joy and all that and yeah, its not about all the presents I get, even though I love getting presents, its about being thankful and happy because this could be your last Christmas....”
And…..”So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young”
To all those that have been touched by the Sandy Hook tragedy…tomorrow my candle will be burning brightly with you in mind…in hope that you get through your Christmas day the best way you can. X