What's in a birthday?

"For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn

Blessed
Sharing
Special
Fun
Wonderful
Wishes
Happy
Love
Lucky
Beauty

The above words are some of the ones printed on my birthday cards last week. I had a fabulous, blessed birthday, how lucky I am!

But I do hate birthdays…well mine anyway. And it’s not the growing older bit. It’s that I can’t share it with some special people anymore, and I know that’s a common by product of grief, like the empty envelopes from my birthday cards that are scattered around the house.

I do struggle on special days…it’s like on one shoulder I have a Negative Nancy, feeling sorry for myself and crying…..and on the other, Positive Polly, who sees how very very fortunate I am to even get to celebrate another birthday….they usually duke it out, Nancy and Polly …but Polly always wins, in the end. I think my Mum taught Polly how to box…..

On my birthday it rained non stop all day.

I sat rugged up, doing university assignments, while above me our roof sprung a leak…dripping drops of water on my head.  And as I placed saucepans and dirty tea towels under the mess, I had to smile, it was like Mum was sprinkling the water on me, to wake me up and remind me to ‘Be Happy Darling!”

I did get spoilt. Peter bought me these magnificent blue topaz earrings which I’ve been eyeing off for 2 years now!

And flowers from my friend Trishie in Australia…they came with a box of delicious chocolates and a teddy bear attached…with a bright green bow, which of course Dempsey claimed!

I got phone calls and emails, texts, facebook messages and love…..from all corners of the globe….it brightened my day, even though outside was grey and gloomy, and, wet!

On Friday night, around our Back T, (our infamous table), my friends gathered, they came bearing gifts and smiles and hugs…my friend Mary made me a gooey chocolate cake and lit it up with so many candles we almost needed the fire brigade.(good thing one we had a fireman handy) :)

And as I looked around the table, really looked, at all my friends faces and the love and joy that was in the air, I felt so blessed, like the words on my cards –

Blessed – to have great friends

Sharing – thankful to be sharing my birthday with those that are here…right now

Special – how my friends made me feel

Fun – I had lots of it…thanks in part to the champagne my friend Ammar brought! :)

Wonderful – the memories, I got to create

Wishes – wishes that do come true, even if not all of them are possible

Happy – to be alive and enjoy these special moments

Love – overwhelming love, for Dempsey who was shining as brightly as the candles on my cake

Lucky – to have such richness in my life

Beauty – to see that amid all the gloom and doom sometimes, there is so much beauty in the world in the simple things in life

Yes, on my birthday, with the help of Demps, I did manage to blow out all the candles on my cake. I know I can’t blow out the bad stuff that happens or has happened.....however, I can look forward and remember all those words on my cards....and the more meaningful ones my friends had taken the time to write INSIDE the cards…

I've learnt, that unlike a wrapped present...where it's what on the outside thats important, the fancy wrapping with ribbons and sparkly paper…in life and on special days....it's whats on the inside that counts….that helps you survive the hard days and move forward to the next with hope.

I also learned, even though Savannah wasn’t here to throw her arms around me....and my Mum didn’t gush down the phone line "Happy Birthday Precious" ........or that Tarnia’s card wasn’t waiting in my letterbox….life is full of special moments if you look for them.

Or that sometimes, you get by with a little help from your friends….

You can’t underestimate the power of a hug…or a smile....or the simple joy a bunch of brightly lit candles can bring on your birthday….Happy Birthday to Me! :) x



Drawing on the beauty of Fall and the changes it can bring within.....

I’ve been busy this past week, snowed under with University assignments.  And while I’ve been chained to my keyboard inside, it seems outside, our Summer has melted and Fall has tiptoed into our neighborhood.

And I’ve found, like grief….any change in season prompts a shift inside me.  It triggers old memories and stirs up a desire to change, like the trees in our surrounding streets will in the coming days.

Their leaves will darken in color, some will transform into a deep red and then gently drop from their branches and drift to the ground.  This magical transformation that Mother Nature somehow programs deeply in the roots of the tree, awakens my spirit and prompts me to shake away any of my negative ‘stuff’….to shed the sadness and indulge in Natures palette and the beauty and mystery this time of year brings.

Like these photos I took of our neighborhood on the cusp of the seasonal change.  The days are getting shorter and the air crisper, but not cold, especially now as I run in the mornings.

This fog in our street reminded me of the ever present haze of grief that lingers in my life.  However, the sunrise in the background managed to remind me that the fog does clear and gift us with sunshine, even if on some days, it shines only for a little while.

And the glistening dew on our front lawn, like tiny diamonds sparkling on the blades of grass…..there to remind me I’m sure that life is truly spectacular and delicate and precious and worth living for….this abundant beauty that glistens in the simple things that sometimes we need to stop and notice.

In this photo, I tried to capture the peace I felt…..it’s like Heaven has stretched its arms down to Earth to envelop me in a hug…..through the trees in my neighborhood.

It fills me with wonder and whispers that there is a magical place somewhere.  It’s a living reminder right there in front of me to draw upon when I need confirmation that my sister and mum and Savannah are somewhere special and majestic.

And then there’s my walking talking reminder…Demps!

We took her to our local Harvest Festival on Sunday.  A fair that celebrates the change of seasons too…the reaping of rewards a harvest brings this time of year.  My reward was to watch Dempsey zoom around on a rollercoaster, arms in the air, smiling…high on life…rejoicing in an afternoon of Fall sunshine.

Yes, Fall is crammed full of Heaven and subtle reminders of change…..if you look for them…..whether you see it in the billowing cumulus clouds, or feel it in crisp mornings, or a pair of fluffy socks that you dust off from last years winter to warm your feet with.  Or the comfort you take in making thick steaming soup like I do.

Grief is in all seasons every single year.....I hope this Fall to harvest the good things out of life….to make meaningful changes and positive choices, to laugh louder and to love deeper.

Grief will always be deep rooted inside me…ingrained like the trees are to drop their leaves around this time of year.  However, my gift of grief has taught me to notice the beauty in the world that surrounds me….its there for the taking, daring me to live life to the fullest and appreciate the little things…..in order to survive and grow in the coming seasons.

The amount of sunshine that will fill my blue cup this Fall lies deeply seeded within, the same as my grief.  But for me, it’s all about choice and chance and change….

Around the world, not everywhere is experiencing the season of Fall or the same changes that grief brings into your life....so I wish you sunshine and strength wherever you are and whatever season or challenge you might be facing on your journey…….

My sister Tarnia's anniversary...grief and time and how it feels...to me

Today is the anniversary of my only sister Tarnia’s death. A day when my family’s lives changed forever. In a split second, we were irrevocably altered.

Today, I can’t help think of all Tarnia has missed out on. How much of her love her children have missed out on. And how many nights her husband Tone has wished she was here.

My sister Tarnia and Mum


Grief over time changes, it has to.

Time does change the emotional feelings grief creates, from one of intensity when you first lose someone, to an ache, a sadness and a longing.

However, on anniversaries like today, you are catapulted back in time to all the horrors of that day, when you thought you’d never survive the emotions….but you do.

And if I had to describe my grief back then, in a way someone could understand, through the senses, I would say….

You SEE grief as black

You SMELL grief as acrid

You FEEL grief like cutting

You HEAR grief as silence

You TASTE grief as salty

On the weekend while browsing the stores, I came across this magnificent hourglass. I decided to buy it. It reminds me that life is but a bunch of fleeting moments, like the fine grains of sand that trickle from one bulb to the other….representing the fact that we are all in between our past and our future. And that we can grow from our experience, even if it IS grief….as to be the case with me.

The hour glass also symbolizes to be mindful of time…it awakens my consciousness to the fact that life goes on.

As it has since Tarnia has died. I’ve had the privilege of watching Tone pick up the broken pieces of his life since this day eleven years ago….and step up and raise their children….who are all happy and healthy!

The kids with Savannah....four months after the accident


I’ve thought today how her kids were just babe’s when they lost their mother. And how time has marched forward.......

Tone and the kids, Dempsey and me last Christmas.....

Alexander, who was only 8 at the time, is now in his first year at University…with a scholarship I might add! :) 

Fraser, her 5 year old who was such a mummy’s boy has a few years left of high school…and three jobs…and a pretty girlfriend.

And then there’s the twins, Emerald and Charlotte, who were only 6 months and never knew their mum. They are blossoming! Two beautiful girls who have each other…which makes me wonder if this is why Tarnia was blessed with twins…they will always have each other!


How proud, how absolutely beaming she would be with her family that she left behind. I can almost hear her nudging me, and talking through a half laugh as she did..bragging about her babies.  But she’s not here…so I do that now.

In her children, I feel a small part of what I lost losing Savannah has been patched back into my heart. I love them like my own.

So today, on her anniversary, grief has wrapped itself around my day.....it’s slowed it down and sharpened my senses.  And if I had to describe what my grief feels like today, what it’s taught me…through watching her children grow the past 11 years..through my senses I’d say;

I SEE grief as a flame

I SMELL grief as apple pie

I FEEL grief as a hug

I HEAR grief as the kids laughter

I TASTE grief as chocolate


Tarnia’s death has left a huge void in our lives. But it’s also taught us courage, growth and gratitude for so many things.  Today I noticed her children’s facebook pages, they haven’t forgotten either…and its clear they miss her too.

Alexander her oldest, who is the most like her in personality…private…has simply written "11". Fraser, who is a bit like me wrote “Eleven years has gone by and this has been the worst year yet.” My heart will always ache for them.

We will always be trapped by our memories, like the sand in my hourglass and our memories from that day eleven years ago…however, like the hour glass….you can choose to turn it upside down and start again….start tomorrow with my happy memories of her...and a promise I made, when I saw her last…to live life to the fullest and love her kids….because she can’t.

Today, I know two things...I will always miss my big sister...and tomorrow, will always be a new day…….

Serendipity.....

Serendipity…..love this word!

It almost has a magic quality about it. Magic like fate can be and what it occasionally puts in your path…making sure you trip over it, that you notice and that you do something with the message it can bring.

The mystery of serendipity can guide you, or inspire you and I like to believe it’s a valuable lesson, a sign post along the way..…as was the case with me on Sunday.


If you recall, back at the end of July, we went to the San Diego Safari Park. We stayed in a hotel overnight....this is where I encountered serendipity…at breakfast!

I was pouring my coffee when I noticed the girl standing next to me was having trouble with the toaster that was broken. I told her “Oh, you have to hold that toaster down. If you wait a sec, I’ll be finished with this one.” And when she spoke I realized she was Australian….”Oh, you’re an Aussie, whereabouts in Australia are you from? What are you doing in the USA?” I asked.

She replied with, “Oh I’m here playing tennis.”

“Well you must be pretty good if you are here playing tennis all the way from Australia.” I told her.

And with a smile and a pause, she added, “Um, yes, pretty good I guess.”

We chatted over the breakfast bar for a bit and then I went back and joined Peter and Dempsey who were eating their vegemite toast. She sat opposite me at another table and occasionally smiled our way. When she got up to leave I wished her luck with her tennis and she thanked me. Peter commented that she looked familiar……

When we got home that afternoon, I was curious. So using trusty Google, I typed in Australian tennis to see if I could see who she was. And as the faces of the women’s tennis players came up, I recognized her….it was Sam Stouser. Only the highest ranked player in Australia….I smiled to myself, thinking what an idiot I must’ve sounded to her, not knowing who she was….also, how humble she was as an athlete not to blow her own horn.

On Sunday, a few friends texted and emailed, making fun of me, telling me to turn the TV on, that Sam Stouser was in the USA Women’s Final against Serena Williams. I had to laugh!

So I put my feet up on our couch and watched her, this stranger that I met over a toaster, spin her magic and beat Serena Williams. I listened to her victory speech with goosebumps as she said it was her dream to win a Grand Slam since she was a little girl of 10.  And I learnt that she had to overcome some challenges and obstacles in her life….but she didn’t give up. And now, here she is, a champion!

So the whole experience of meeting her and not knowing who she was and then watching her live out her dream inspires me to do better and chase my dream.

Sometimes, we find motivation or inspiration in the strangest places…even over blueberry bagels cooking! :)  Was it fate that I met her that morning, a coincidence? I do wonder about destiny and people who touch our lives, even in a fleeting moment…….

We aren’t in charge of our own fate, but to a certain degree we can change our destiny through choices we make or through people we meet who motivate us…..like she has done for me this weekend.

So thank you Sam Stouser for proudly winning for Australia and for arousing my enthusiasm to follow my dream….to finish writing my book and to one day become a speaker to help others with their challenges.

She proved that you can kick away the obstacles and create opportunities with passion and determination…that anything is possible…...and that the magic of serendipity that life sometimes spins can be a powerful tool to believe……

Remembering 9.11

I’m sure everyone remembers what they were doing at the exact moment they learned the World Trade Centre had been hit by planes…and watching in shock as the events of the day panned out, like some horror movie, not the safe world as we knew.

Even though it was 10 years ago, you don’t forget.  When something profound happens like that, or you lose a loved one suddenly, it’s ingrained in your being for eternity. Like a brown birthmark or an etching on a bracelet.


You revisit that day.  You remember that you had sizzling bacon and eggs for breakfast, or that you chose to wear that new red dress, or, that that day was a beautiful sun filled almost Autumn morning. You don’t forget all those tiny details…and I guess that’s the way we are programmed….to remember the small details, so we don’t forget!

I still vividly recall that morning, September 11, 2001….Peter had enjoyed breakfast sitting in front of a big bulky computer monitor while Savannah sat in her Winnie the Pooh chair watching teletubbies dancing on the T.V. …as she did every morning.   She was two years old, and healthy and enchanting and innocent…...it was just like any other morning in our apartment.

Savannah at 2, every morning she sat in her Winnie the Pooh chair


But that morning, I had the privilege of kissing my husband goodbye and knowing that I’d see him later. Over the course of that day, I realized that some people would never get that happy ending after the events of September 11.


Within half an hour of Peter leaving for work, my phone rang, it was Peter, telling me to turn the video off and CNN on!  I remember standing in our lounge room with my hand over my mouth at the horrific live feed that was being beamed into our apartment.


I was still in the depths of my grief over my sister being killed only the year before.  My emotions still raw and the tears still coming on a daily basis.  And after a few hours, as it became clear what had happened as the news teams interviewed confused bystanders, stunned survivors and loved ones who were searching, I turned the TV off. I couldn’t watch anymore.  It was too difficult to see and witness so many people living through what I knew was the worst to come……GRIEF.


Now however, ten years later…ten years…. a lot has happened.  I couldn’t have imagined back then that in a few years I’d be living that whole horrific GRIEF cycle all over again…. losing my Mum and our daughter Savannah. 


But what I have learned, like the people that day that lost so many, their husband's, wive's, brother's and sister's, mother’s and father’s is that you do survive GRIEF.   That it can be a catalyst for change.  That you discover a passion for life…. and that out of tragedy, compassion is created for our fellow human beings..like the magnificent shrines being created at Ground Zero.


My thoughts this weekend will be with all those that lost loved ones in the towers, the hero firefighters and the people who survived who are an example of the amazing human spirit to overcome.


None of us know what tomorrow will bring, so we must never forget to appreciate today and live!  I know on Sunday, in honor of those lost I’ll do something that they can’t, something that I enjoy as a sign of respect.


Even though I don’t know anyone who was in any way related to the events on that tragic day, I feel a bond….a grief bond….with others who I know will be dealing with their memories of that day. In that way, I feel a connection.

Anyone touched by grief has had their own 9.11.  Maybe not as tragic, but the feelings are all the same….as are a kinship and a knowing....as the survivors do, that life goes on.  Tragedies remind us to be grateful….and while grief embeds itself in your life forever, it can never dull your spirit for living.

On September 11, 2001, lives were changed…..however, the ability to be resilient and be thankful for today and always have hope…..remain shining….as bright as the September sun was that morning……..

As we say in Australia, LEST WE FORGET.........

Happiness is a form of courage - Holbrook Jackson

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.  ~Robert Brault

Death teaches us about life.

It’s what makes us appreciate and treasure the small moments. It’s sad but true that sometimes, we have to experience something profound to teach us to be grateful and to keep striving to be happy.

This week Dempsey and her little girlfriends, her BFF’s taught me a bit about living in the moment and that being happy is about the simple things. With the start of the new school year brings new lessons to learn, not just for Demps! :)

Pool parties have been shelved for now, soggy swim suits and tinted goggles have been replaced with pencil cases and new rolling backpacks….the smell of chlorine swapped for the waxy smell of crayons. The new school year has finally arrived.

Watching Dempsey rip the plastic off her pristine pink folder, carefully write her name in cursive on her new lunch pail and zip up her backpack with such enthusiasm had me smiling. Just some simple moments that gave me pleasure and reminded me that life is but a fleeting moment….where has the time gone from when she was so tiny, and it was her  first day of kindergarten? And now she’s somehow stumbling into fourth grade!

Dempsey's first day of Kindergarten meeting the Principal

Monday morning Mother Nature greeted us with dew on the car windscreen and the late August air noticeably cooler.  Dempsey slipped her hand out the car window, waving it in the breeze on the way to school, animated and excited about seeing her best buds after a long Summer lay over……in her new dress!! :)

It was my reward as her mum to immerse myself in the schoolyard swarm of children that were humming like a hive full of bees.  And as I stood back and watched one after the other of her friends arrive, squealing and giggling and squeezing each other tight, without a worry in the world except for what clip to wear in their hair….I got a lesson!

To laugh often

To hug my friends deeply

To not take life too seriously

To be appreciative of those I love

To be open to new friends and be there for old ones

That we all build our own happiness in the moments we create…even if its on a patch of asphalt in a school yard

That compliments create smiles (well in kids anyway ;))

And that we can choose never to be too old to learn or be open to bloom, like the buds on the trees around the school...no matter what life throws at us

Yes, the kids reminded me that happiness takes the sadness away….and while grief manages to peel back the layers and leave you exposed sometimes…it also sharpens our senses and strips the unimportant stuff away. It creates a vacuum for sucking up the good stuff and relishing in it.

The first day of school is the only day us parents are allowed to hang around the playground and gush and cry and turn into paparazzi parents!

I lingered as long as I could and watched my baby stand tall and march with her friends into fourth grade. On her way in, she looked back my way, smiled a shy smile as if to say “I’m fine Mummy” and blew me a kiss.

So with a sensory emotional overload I wandered back to my car…I thought about making choices to be happy…like the kids are….and stepping back to notice the big picture instead of getting caught up in the trivial stuff.

I also thought about our angel Savannah….how it would be her first day at Junior High…I let out a big sigh….and smiled….thinking, how she’d be beautiful and beaming and….wanting her Mamma to be happy too…..

The Ripple Effect

I’m sure everyone wishes they had an ‘Olivander’s’ in their neighborhood. You know, the famous store from Harry Potter…where you can buy a magical wand with supernatural powers…. I know I do. :)

Well, after the past few days I’ve been reminded that ALL of us possess the power within us, like a magic wand, to alter the course of somebody’s day, mood or life. Another way to look at it is ‘the ripple effect.’ And you don’t need an Olivanders store, or money to do it!

Over the weekend, we hit Route 66 and embarked on an adventure to Needles, a tiny town that’s situated on the banks of the Colorado River. On one side is California, the other, Arizona.

The drive wasn’t very scenic! Stark desert bordered either side of the road and I’m sure not much would thrive in the harsh conditions outside our air conditioned car.

When we stepped out of the car at the Marina Park where we’d be staying, I was hit with a rush of hot air….117o to be exact! Wow, was it hot!

Over the next few days we tried to dodge the heat by hitting the river in our friend’s boat. He’d cut the engine upstream and we’d dive off the back of the boat into the crisp cold water of the Colorado.

Dempsey learned to snorkel in the shallows and how to throw a fishing line and ride a jet ski!

I enjoyed sitting on a deck chair, under the sparse shade our pop up provided. Watching the kids paddle and splash in the water….squeezing my toes through the muddy sand as the cool water lapped over my feet. It was like meditation until Dempsey broke the spell with…”I’m bored Mummy!”  

With no TV, computer, DSI or technology available I thought about what she could do. Looking around I noticed an abundance of river rocks scattered everywhere. I picked one up and told Demps…”When I was a little girl, Poppie taught me how to skim stones.”

I stood on the waters edge and Frisbee’d the stone across the river. “Plunk” went the rock…dropping straight to the bottom! Of course I sucked at this old fashioned pastime. However, like the ripple effect my rock created when it hit the water, one by one the kids got up and had to have a go. Even Peter joined in, revisiting his childhood….

I sat back on my deck chair smiling…watching shy teenage boys interact with giggly teenage girls and oldies try to beat the youngies….I thought about how our behavior or one thing can have an effect on others…all of a sudden the kids moods changed from hot and bored into excited and animated.

The temperature overnight there only gets down to 90o….so we sat outside enjoying warm beer and watching a magnificent tangerine sun sizzle and sink into the desert. And as the moon lit the sky, a blanket of stars appeared. It was magnificent! And just as if I had a magic wand, a shooting star shot across the carpeted sky. I closed my eyes and made a wish…. :) 

We finished the night off with Dempsey and me running fully clothed through the cool sprinklers that fanned water back and forth across the dry grass. My friend Mary stood by watching and smiling…she commented, “Dee, you are crazy…Dempsey will remember that moment forever…”

And today, I was reminded again of the power of the ripple effect. Back in the land of the living and slightly lower temperatures, I spent the morning volunteering at the Let It Be Foundation. A foundation started by a lady, Ruthe Rosen, who lost her 15 year old daughter to cancer. This foundation helps families who are struggling on their journey with a seriously ill child.

As I stood with a wet rag, washing out dusty cash boxes for an upcoming charity event, the Foundation’s Junior Advisory Team sat around a large table and discussed their volunteer program.

I got goose bumps as I listened to them, so passionate about this cause, and how they could recruit other teenagers to help the Foundation.

And as I grabbed my handbag to leave, I couldn’t help myself. I felt I had to comment on these amazing teenagers…how inspirational they are! I told them, if they are the future of America then it appears it will be in good hands. :)

Ruthe interrupted and said, “Oh, everyone, this is Diana, her 4 year old daughter died…why don’t you tell them a bit about Savannah…”

You could’ve heard a pin drop as all eyes spun around to focus on me.  My voice was shaky as I told them about Savannah, about how what they are doing makes such a difference to a family’s lives who are dealing with the heartache and hardships looking after a sick child brings. And then I left the room before I burst into tears.

Driving home, tears rolled down my face.  Sometimes I get emotional talking to strangers about losing our girl.  However, I hope by meeting a mum, another volunteer today, will have a ripple effect on them.  I know they certainly had one on me today.

So know next time you smile at a stranger, you may make her day…or put pennies in a box for the homeless…or tell someone they “look great today,”…or run through the sprinklers with your child…the ripple effect and impact can be powerful and have far reaching repercussions….know that YOU, can make a difference!

Ps; and I know the lady at Vons Supermarket, who pushed in front of me certainly affected my ripple today… ;)

Sometimes to be happy, you gotta know sad....

“You cry a little then you wait for the sun to come out. It always does….” - Maria, from the Sound of Music

The scars of grief can run deep….sometimes, things trigger them, like the movie '7 Pounds' that Peter and I watched Saturday night…. or having old memories bubble back up to the surface with an old friend....it's wishing for something that you know will never come true...or too many late nights, burning the candle at both ends that makes you tired and susceptible to sadness…. 

However, it’s knowing that the sadness doesn’t last….that the sun will shine again that keeps you putting one foot in front of the other when you feel vulnerable and sad.   Its finding coping mechanisms and letting yourself cry that heals the heart.

For the past week or more, I’ve been in a mid summer slump….I have a long list of things that have to be done but can’t seem to get the energy to do any of them. Like the beds in our home that need stripping, and my two university assignments that are due next week, and this blog..…it’s dealing with an over tired 9 year old and her sadness that our Australian friends are gone.   Dempsey loved having the kids around the house again, especially one her sister's age.

My friend Vicki and her family arrived back from their 10 day vacation in Cancun.  We spent four fun filled days together with them.  And when they left Dempsey was heartbroken. She sat outside in almost 100o heat, amongst the chalk drawings Bonnie and Alex and her had created, crying her eyes out…waiting for them to come back.

I finally coaxed her inside and wrapped her up in my arms on my lap.  I tried to tell her that she has to be happy she had the time that she did with them, that we’ll see them again… But it pulled at my heart strings, to see her pain.  I cried too at my friend leaving, but I know I’ll see her again, and that makes the hurt that little bit less.  You have to find positives in every negative I’ve found.

You have to find things that will transform the melancholy moods into an upbeat frame of mind.  This week, my weapon against the blues was running.  Pounding the pavement in our surrounding streets.

I find exercising, exorcises the demons…it can give you a rush of feel good energy, even when you don’t think you have the energy to do anything.  It helps when you do have to battle a case of the doldrums or find peace when having a hard day.  Its self preservation, and it works…for me anyway.

My gorgeous friend Vicki gave me this beautiful chunky silver bracelet. I love it!   It’s from New Zealand and each emblem represents something special.   One of the charms is called a Koru, its spiral shape symbolizes life, growth and peace….it reminded me of the changing journey of grief……

And I find when things get me down and overwhelm me, I find processing my thoughts, and tears….helps me to move forward…knowing that “this too will pass.”   I know taking responsibility for things I can control, like my attitude help to overcome the Debbie downer moments when I feel exposed because of grief.

Saturday night, watching the movie 7 Pounds, made me confront some of my sorrow that lies just under the surface.  I wished it was my little girl who could’ve been given some miracle cure like the people in the movie.  But wishes don’t wash dishes….or strip beds…..or teach my daughter that you have to love your life….hard days and all.  That they make the happy days all that more sweeter.

After the movie, before bed, I sat outside, immersed in the magic of the full moon, crying.  The movie was sad and made me think about Savannah....however, after my tears dried I felt like I'd been cleansed…..I knew that the next day, I would notice how blue the sky is….and like Maria out of The Sound of Music, I know, you cry a little then you wait for the sun to come out…it always does!