Today is the anniversary of my only sister Tarnia’s death. A day when my family’s lives changed forever. In a split second, we were irrevocably altered.
Today, I can’t help think of all Tarnia has missed out on. How much of her love her children have missed out on. And how many nights her husband Tone has wished she was here.
Grief over time changes, it has to.
Time does change the emotional feelings grief creates, from one of intensity when you first lose someone, to an ache, a sadness and a longing.
However, on anniversaries like today, you are catapulted back in time to all the horrors of that day, when you thought you’d never survive the emotions….but you do.
And if I had to describe my grief back then, in a way someone could understand, through the senses, I would say….
You SEE grief as black
You SMELL grief as acrid
You FEEL grief like cutting
You HEAR grief as silence
You TASTE grief as salty
On the weekend while browsing the stores, I came across this magnificent hourglass. I decided to buy it. It reminds me that life is but a bunch of fleeting moments, like the fine grains of sand that trickle from one bulb to the other….representing the fact that we are all in between our past and our future. And that we can grow from our experience, even if it IS grief….as to be the case with me.
The hour glass also symbolizes to be mindful of time…it awakens my consciousness to the fact that life goes on.
As it has since Tarnia has died. I’ve had the privilege of watching Tone pick up the broken pieces of his life since this day eleven years ago….and step up and raise their children….who are all happy and healthy!
I’ve thought today how her kids were just babe’s when they lost their mother. And how time has marched forward.......
Alexander, who was only 8 at the time, is now in his first year at University…with a scholarship I might add! :)
Fraser, her 5 year old who was such a mummy’s boy has a few years left of high school…and three jobs…and a pretty girlfriend.
And then there’s the twins, Emerald and Charlotte, who were only 6 months and never knew their mum. They are blossoming! Two beautiful girls who have each other…which makes me wonder if this is why Tarnia was blessed with twins…they will always have each other!
How proud, how absolutely beaming she would be with her family that she left behind. I can almost hear her nudging me, and talking through a half laugh as she did..bragging about her babies. But she’s not here…so I do that now.
In her children, I feel a small part of what I lost losing Savannah has been patched back into my heart. I love them like my own.
So today, on her anniversary, grief has wrapped itself around my day.....it’s slowed it down and sharpened my senses. And if I had to describe what my grief feels like today, what it’s taught me…through watching her children grow the past 11 years..through my senses I’d say;
I SEE grief as a flame
I SMELL grief as apple pie
I FEEL grief as a hug
I HEAR grief as the kids laughter
I TASTE grief as chocolate
Tarnia’s death has left a huge void in our lives. But it’s also taught us courage, growth and gratitude for so many things. Today I noticed her children’s facebook pages, they haven’t forgotten either…and its clear they miss her too.
Alexander her oldest, who is the most like her in personality…private…has simply written "11". Fraser, who is a bit like me wrote “Eleven years has gone by and this has been the worst year yet.” My heart will always ache for them.
We will always be trapped by our memories, like the sand in my hourglass and our memories from that day eleven years ago…however, like the hour glass….you can choose to turn it upside down and start again….start tomorrow with my happy memories of her...and a promise I made, when I saw her last…to live life to the fullest and love her kids….because she can’t.
Today, I know two things...I will always miss my big sister...and tomorrow, will always be a new day…….