Change.....

What if life stayed the same?

If it got stuck like a scratched vinyl record and kept playing over and over--the same theme--the same moments--the same day? It would drive us insane.

We’d be bored.

We’d question our existence.

We wouldn’t value life lessons--our mistakes, our experiences or our successes, or what they teach us. How they build character—and resilience—and empathy.

Sometimes I’d love to be stuck in a day in the past. To relive some moments--like watching Savannah take her first wonky steps into my arms—or witnessing Dempsey’s first breath, screaming and red and beautiful.

But life’s not like that. There’s no way we can stop change, or life, or what a day will bring. And there’s beauty and hope in that.

As I watch Dempsey turn from a tween into a teen there’s so many gifts I didn’t get to experience with her sister who died. Like watching her at her concerts play her trumpet with so much pride as she taps her foot to the music—which makes me smile. Or seeing her rush into a café here in our small town and tie her apron up to help volunteer. I always sit in my car, watching her through the window and selfishy indulge in the warm feeling it gives me. Or even simply watching her giggle at a message on her phone, which she never shares.

After my sister died, and my mum, and my daughter so many changes happened with each death, I felt my life was out of control. The pain was relentless and the changes unstoppable.

 My nephews and nieces had no mother to kiss them goodnight. I had no mother to call and lean on and to help me get through my own daughter dying. And Savannah, oh Savannah, there were so many changes in my life that I lost my identity. I misplaced my life. But I also gained so much through these painful changes.

Grief builds character.

It makes us more resilient, stronger to face change.

And even though grief manipulates my life sometimes, I’m possibly a better version of myself because of it. And I’m sure if you’re reading and you’ve been through a life changing challenge then you are too.

You notice the deep pink in the sunset, and smile at seeing someone you love laugh, really laugh, or achieve, or try to achieve. Yes, grief is life changing, but sometimes it’s the yin to the yang, without grief in my life, I wonder if my joy would be as intense, or my determination as passionate or my mindfulness as present?

On Monday I took my sisters twins out for lunch. You see they’ve finally finished their schooling after thirteen years and they’re busy studying hard and sitting exams which will change and mould their direction in life.

As we sat in a booth at our local pub, with one of their brothers, I listened to them, talking over one another, laughing, happy, yet anxious about what the future and change will bring. Like moving to the big smoke and attending a University they know nothing about.

But their enthusiasm and happiness about change was contagious.

I smiled as I sat there listening to them grill their big brother about city life.

Change is a coming again.

I’ll miss my twins, it’s like they’re mine. Even though they’re not.  My sister would be over the moon proud!

In a few short months there’ll be big changes, for them, for me, for Dempsey and their dad. But I feel sure they’ll be okay. Knowing that grief has taught them too—to embrace change, to jump aboard the train of life and allow it to take them where it will and trust that all they’ve been through will help buffer them against any challenge they face, an invisible amour that will kick in when the chips are down.

And I know I’ll survive, and they will too—Emerald grabbed my arm and told me, “We’re so doing Sex in the City brunches with you in the city next year.” I smiled at that.

Life does alter and transform us, especially through grief.

But we adjust and we embrace—every day brings new light, new hope—and change x

**This post is for Matty's Mom who inspired me tonight x

My sister Tarnia's anniversary...grief and time and how it feels...to me

Today is the anniversary of my only sister Tarnia’s death. A day when my family’s lives changed forever. In a split second, we were irrevocably altered.

Today, I can’t help think of all Tarnia has missed out on. How much of her love her children have missed out on. And how many nights her husband Tone has wished she was here.

My sister Tarnia and Mum


Grief over time changes, it has to.

Time does change the emotional feelings grief creates, from one of intensity when you first lose someone, to an ache, a sadness and a longing.

However, on anniversaries like today, you are catapulted back in time to all the horrors of that day, when you thought you’d never survive the emotions….but you do.

And if I had to describe my grief back then, in a way someone could understand, through the senses, I would say….

You SEE grief as black

You SMELL grief as acrid

You FEEL grief like cutting

You HEAR grief as silence

You TASTE grief as salty

On the weekend while browsing the stores, I came across this magnificent hourglass. I decided to buy it. It reminds me that life is but a bunch of fleeting moments, like the fine grains of sand that trickle from one bulb to the other….representing the fact that we are all in between our past and our future. And that we can grow from our experience, even if it IS grief….as to be the case with me.

The hour glass also symbolizes to be mindful of time…it awakens my consciousness to the fact that life goes on.

As it has since Tarnia has died. I’ve had the privilege of watching Tone pick up the broken pieces of his life since this day eleven years ago….and step up and raise their children….who are all happy and healthy!

The kids with Savannah....four months after the accident


I’ve thought today how her kids were just babe’s when they lost their mother. And how time has marched forward.......

Tone and the kids, Dempsey and me last Christmas.....

Alexander, who was only 8 at the time, is now in his first year at University…with a scholarship I might add! :) 

Fraser, her 5 year old who was such a mummy’s boy has a few years left of high school…and three jobs…and a pretty girlfriend.

And then there’s the twins, Emerald and Charlotte, who were only 6 months and never knew their mum. They are blossoming! Two beautiful girls who have each other…which makes me wonder if this is why Tarnia was blessed with twins…they will always have each other!


How proud, how absolutely beaming she would be with her family that she left behind. I can almost hear her nudging me, and talking through a half laugh as she did..bragging about her babies.  But she’s not here…so I do that now.

In her children, I feel a small part of what I lost losing Savannah has been patched back into my heart. I love them like my own.

So today, on her anniversary, grief has wrapped itself around my day.....it’s slowed it down and sharpened my senses.  And if I had to describe what my grief feels like today, what it’s taught me…through watching her children grow the past 11 years..through my senses I’d say;

I SEE grief as a flame

I SMELL grief as apple pie

I FEEL grief as a hug

I HEAR grief as the kids laughter

I TASTE grief as chocolate


Tarnia’s death has left a huge void in our lives. But it’s also taught us courage, growth and gratitude for so many things.  Today I noticed her children’s facebook pages, they haven’t forgotten either…and its clear they miss her too.

Alexander her oldest, who is the most like her in personality…private…has simply written "11". Fraser, who is a bit like me wrote “Eleven years has gone by and this has been the worst year yet.” My heart will always ache for them.

We will always be trapped by our memories, like the sand in my hourglass and our memories from that day eleven years ago…however, like the hour glass….you can choose to turn it upside down and start again….start tomorrow with my happy memories of her...and a promise I made, when I saw her last…to live life to the fullest and love her kids….because she can’t.

Today, I know two things...I will always miss my big sister...and tomorrow, will always be a new day…….

A dream come true!

"If you can dream it, you can do it.  Always remember that this whole thing was started with a dream and a mouse."  -  Walt Disney

Inside our letterbox on Saturday, wrapped in a plain white envelope, was one of my dreams come true…..I ripped open the cardboard…..and out fell a book!

The book is from The Open to Hope Foundation. A foundation established by Dr. Gloria Horsley, PhD, MFC, RN, and Dr. Heidi Horsley, PsyD, LMSW.  Both are bereavement specialists who started the popular website http://www.opentohope.com/ which has scores of articles, a radio show and many priceless articles from different authors....all who’ve experienced grief and loss and hope.  It’s a ‘go to for grieving people” and a site I regularly submit articles to.

When they contacted me about submitting one of my stories I couldn’t really believe I would be privileged to be in the pages of this wonderful resource for others who are desperately searching for hope after losing someone beloved.

I remember when we were told Savannah was going to die…I was panicked, lost, confused and helpless at how uncertain and out of control our life had become.  My total belief system in life had been rattled….I wanted to read how a mother survives the loss of a child…how you keep going?  How you learn to find meaning in the senselessness of it all?  How, after my daughter was no longer here how my world would have any value ever again?  I wished for a book just like this one.

Wrapped inside each story is the same theme….HOPE….like a promising hug!  From others who have been to that place where I once was….trying to find strength and determination and the courage to go on after being clobbered by grief.  To find answers to questions from those that have lived through the heartache and understand..and have survived!

I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would one day be writing to help others survive one of the most profound experience in a person’s life.  Or that I’d have my name in a book alongside the likes of Katie Byron, or Mitch Album, or acclaimed Doctor’s…..or simply others dealing with hope.  I know I’ll never be the next J. K. Rowling, but this is a start…an encouraging one. :)

This book would be a wonderful gift to someone who has lost a loved one…when flowers don’t seem appropriate, or you don’t know what to say.  This book will help them. And for that I am grateful, honored and thrilled to be part of such a fantastic project.

I can’t even begin to describe my excitement as I flipped through the pages and found the article I had contributed.  WOW WOW WOW! And people say dreams don’t come true! :)

I wish my mum was alive so I could phone her and scream down the phone line about how excited I am…
However, Saturday afternoon Dempsey again reminded me how truly fortunate I am.  Watching me flick through the pages she asked,  “Can I read your story Mummy?”   I did contemplate for a second if it was appropriate reading for an eight year old….but Dempsey has been on this journey too…..and I don’t sugar coat it.  I watched her sit with my book, on our stairs and read my words.  I took a mental photo of it to put away in my proud moment memory bank!

And after she’d finished, she looked up at me, smiled and threw her arms around my neck. “That’s a good story Mummy…..can I read some of the other peoples stories later?”   “If you want to Precious!” I replied with a smile, feeling sappy and teary eyed.

And with that, Demps handed me back the book and rushed outside to join our visitor’s boys in the Jacuzzi. I joined them too…with my feet up on a chair, reading some inspirational stories that filled my blue cup with sunshine….

I watched Dempsey giggling and splashing in the water and amongst the commotion and ruckus of the kids innocently enjoying ‘life’…..it hit me that Dempsey is a survivor too!  And I pondered over what her dreams will be in the future?  However, I know amongst the chaos of living and the unpredictable moments we are dealt with…that dreams can and do come true. 

I hope one day to have my book published about my journey..about the loss of my sister, mother and Savannah...and I know through this experience, anything is possible!  If you can dream it, you can do it…….

Open to Hope: Inspirational Stories of Healing After Loss

P.S;  I don't get any financial gain from any sales of this book, however I would like to give a copy away to one of my readers who leaves a comment...I'll get Dempsey to draw the name out of a hat! :)

The book is available on http://www.amazon.com/ at bookstores nationally or through the website www.opentohope.com/book

Mother's Day for me

When I was growing up, I thought my Mum was the most beautiful mother in the world!  I would sit in our bathroom, cross legged on a white fluffy stool and gaze at her as she applied her make-up. I was fascinated, watching her dip her cosmetic brush into the sink water, then she’d dab the brush into her charcoal Estee Lauder eye shadow and transform her deep set eyes into a picture of glamour.   And when I got older, we’d share a glass of wine together in that same bathroom as we groomed ourselves, swapped clothes and talked about life.

Mum never left the house without her strawberry blonde hair curled, her elegant high heels on and apricot lipstick. And when she graced a room, you noticed her. She smelt sweet, always wafting in Youth Dew perfume that infused into her clothing and permeated her skin.  That smell made me feel so safe.

   My beautiful inspirational Mum!

The dreaded Mothers Day is sneaking up on me.  And anyone who is missing a loved one, be it their mother or their baby will understand when I say ‘dreaded.’

You can’t avoid it, the happy advertisements are everywhere.  Even my inbox isn’t a sacred place anymore as email after email arrive announcing gift ideas…for example, from United Airlines – “Last minute gifts for your Mom”, and my facebook friends are changing their profile photos for smiling ones with their alive mothers! Even bloody Von’s supermarket’s flyer is covered in adverts of beautiful bouquets and Hershey's chocolates "For Your Mom!”

Well what do we mum less people do?  Or we mums who are missing our child? Or mums that desperately want a child?  You can’t hide!  It's another hard day on the calendar to face each year. One of my hardest. It's a bittersweet day and I'm trying not to let my mind wander…….

Taken on Mothers Day....Savannah stopped walking this Mothers Day morning


Savannah made me a mother.  I was totally unprepared for the immediate love that enveloped me the moment I saw her.  And Dempsey, my joy, will help me to survive another Mother’s Day with her pampering kisses and her ability to anchor my heart.  However, my Mother’s Day hurts….my grief gets magnified….and while I do try hard not to let the pain get a grip on me, this week I’ve been weeping a lot.

On Sunday, I’ll miss Savannah and I’ll miss heaing Mums voice.  My mother, who was always smiling and positive.  She shaped my character...and while she never said, “Here are the tools Diana, I will teach you"….she led by example, with her passion for living and her encouraging philosophy on life.  I have to be thankful for having known her at all!  I am brutally aware that my sister’s twin daughters will never appreciate that exquisite moment when your mother transfers all her love into you in a hug. Nobody else gives that unconditional love that your mother can.


How does anyone else on this earth replace that?   How do we get through a Mothers Day without missing the magic that is your Mum?   Well I don’t think you do.  I think you get through it the best way you can and hope, if you are lucky enough to have a child, or a husband, or a friend, or someone, that will make you feel special….then through your tears, smiles will emerge, which are food for your spirit and help remind you all is not lost.

Dempsey wrote this in class.  I love the bit "loves me when I be myself".....how lucky I am


When I was a little girl, Mum would wrap me up in her arms on her lap and say “How did I get so lucky to get you!  You could’ve gone to some other mother!”  And I find myself saying this now to Dempsey, who giggles and says "Muuummyyy!" and hugs me tighter….   So on Sunday, I’ll try to channel my mother's magic into me.  And hopefully, set a fine example for my daughter.....to give Dempsey tools that she may need one day.  I know my Mum lives on through me, as Savannah lives on through Demps and Tarnia will always be around with her four beautiful children.

I never smell my Mum's Youth Dew perfume anymore.  Its' an old fragrance.  However, a few days ago, at our friend Michelle’s house, her sweet mother welcomed me with a hug.  And as I embraced her, my sense's stirred....I realized she was wearing Mum’s perfume...and it was comforting!  I held her for just a few moments longer than I should have….and just for a second, I imagined she was Mum…………..

Dempsey...my Mother's Day gift.....always


Happy Mother's Day Mum. x

Wishing you all a Happy Mothers Day and hoping you can find a little ray of sunshine if your cup is blue on Sunday. x


.

Bitter or Better? Lessons on my sister's birthday!

Today is my sister’s birthday. Tarnia will forever be 39 years old. She never got to celebrate her 40th birthday!

While writing this blog outside on this warm May morning, I noticed a tiny whispy feather trapped in some dry grass that had blown up to our door. It was trapped like all of us are on this grief journey, however, I smiled when I saw it.  A message from Tarnia today I’m sure!

The tiny whispy feather I spotted this morning..a message from my sister?


There are deep-seated messages and lessons I’ve learned from her death that today, I reflected on.

As I poured boiling water into my tea this morning the steam from the kettle blended with the tears in my eyes. “Happy Birthday Tarnia” I said to myself. And the word that popped into my head to describe her not being here…. “unfair.” And it is unfair and unjust…but those emotions can lead to feeling bitter. And that’s not how Tarnia would want me to be….with a slip of a vowel; I can choose to turn bitter into better instead!

To be a better aunt, a better sister, a better wife, a better daughter, a better friend and a better Mum to Dempsey. To be better at being aware of just how lucky I am to be here!

To be better at relishing in each day instead of wasting it or complaining about trivial stuff. Like the other night….I sat and eavesdropped at a party as two friends obsessed over how many calories are in peanut butter!! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, and I wanted to say “Be grateful you can enjoy bloody peanut butter!”

Tarnia's 4 beautiful babes!

It is unfair that this morning her twin girls won’t climb into her bed beside her for a cuddle. Or that Fraser can’t pick a bunch of sweet smelling roses from her garden for her, as he does for me now. Oh, and how she’d be smiling, listening in awe about the naughty goings on Alexander has been up to in his first semester of University down in the big smoke. And Tone, who’s left with the mess and only memories and an empty side of the bed.

And my Dad….today, I told him I was thinking of him…he just thanked me, as Peter probably will with Dempsey one day when its her sisters birthday. Yes, it’s difficult not to be bitter…. Nonetheless, I do look at her death on her special day as a reminder to me to “be better!”

Tarnia and Tone


The loss of a loved one rips you apart, but time can be an amazing ally. Like a therapist….it allows us an interlude where slowly, every so slowly, piece by piece, time puts the majority of you back together. Even though your core is different, you can become better because of it. Like a jigsaw puzzle, where all the pieces finally fit back together, and you can clearly see the big picture. However, with my puzzle there will always be one impossible piece that will never fit. A renegade chunk that can be bitter and it IS a constant battle to stop that part of the puzzle from changing me into someone I don’t want to be. And neither would my sister!

I bet if I could have one last conversation with her, if she knew that it would be the last…she would say, “Diana, love my kids. Look after Tone. Laugh a lot. Take care of Dad. And kiss your babies” and that’s the better bit….because of that, I strive to be better.

So today, it is her birthday, but I feel like I have been given a gift. A gift to realize and appreciate and never never forget to be happy, to love my loved ones with gusto and to be a BETTER person! Tarnia was always smiling, and she’d want that for me too!

Happy Birthday Tarnia and thank you…you will always be my big sister……and, I will always miss you. x



.

Eleven years ago, we celebrated!

Today, my beautiful twin nieces Emerald and Charlotte turn eleven years old!

My sister Tarnia holding one of  the twins the day they were born!

I wanted to blog about them today, to celebrate not just their birthday and how special these girls are to me…but also to celebrate life, my sister, and that the human spirit can survive grief or any challenge we are faced with.

Emerald in green and Charlotte in pink....Mum and Dad were living with them when this was taken......

I’ve tackled different thoughts over the years about my sister’s daughters. Thoughts as to why their mum died so young at 39? Why she was taken from them when they were just babies of almost six months old? And I can’t find an answer, or not one that makes any sense anyway. The only cryptic conclusion I can come up with is that maybe Savannah needed her in heaven…to be there when she arrived a few years later…..

That may seem totally crazy or ridiculous, but so is taking a mother from her four children and husband in the prime of her life…..

It seems incredibly surreal to me that I don’t have my daughter here, who would be almost the same age as my nieces…..and they don’t have their mum.

It’s weird, bizarre, whatever you want to call it…but I take comfort from these thoughts. It’s almost like my sister Tarnia is in heaven or somewhere, loving Savannah…..and they are here on earth with me. It’s like we’ve swapped…..

Emerald, Charlotte and Fraser....


I spoke to them on Skype for their birthday in Australia..….Emmy had her hair drawn back in a ponytail, reeling off what loot she got, squashing her ear into the camera on my screen so I could see the pretty earring’s she’d been given. While Charlotte sat on a chair next to her, brushing her hair until it was smooth and shining…..oh how Charlotte reminded me of my sister who did this almost in identical fashion! And that made my heart twinge that Tarnia doesn’t get to experience any of this.

But I don’t want this post to be about sadness….I do feel sad for them that they don’t know a mother’s love, that all consuming adoration that only a mum can give….

Dresses I sent them for their 5th birthday....


Their Dad, Tone, does an amazing job of showering them with love. Apart from the two years my parents helped raise them, he’s done all the hard stuff mostly on his own. He’s nurtured them, kissed their scraped knees, wiped away their tears and prepared nutritious meals for them every night. He does both jobs, Mum and Dad!

Tone, a devoted dad with his beautiful daughters..........


And while I try not to wallow in the fact Tarnia is missing out on these birthdays, where she’d be loving being able to cook them a delicious birthday cake, or trolling the stores for their presents….or just being able to hug them and reminisce about the day they were born……her girls seem unaffected by not having a mother….and this floors me…but it’s true!

I’ve never heard them say “I wish Mummy was here!” Or “What was Mummy like?” And I tell them all the time about their mum and me growing up…how she was the sensible one, and how if she was here she wouldn’t cut their hair…amongst other things. However, they seem like any other ‘normal’ little girls that enjoy the comings and goings of being an ‘almost’ teenager. And who have a messy room! :)

Sometimes, my heart gets squeezed by moments, like watching them at a band concert play their instruments, or listening to them encourage Dempsey with homework.  They are always happy.   They seem seriously okay…and that is comforting.

Special memories of Dempsey and her cousins.....


I’m not sure why they are like they are. Maybe it’s because their Dad is a huge force in their lives, or because they don’t know what it’s like to have a mother around who'd love them with a fierce force….all I can put it down to is the human spirit is bigger than grief or loss…...

Emerald and Charlotte are happy, well adjusted, affectionate girls! Their spirits are sunny and cheerful and I put this down to their environment.  It’s evidence to me that even with the ever present shadow of grief; you can endure losing a loved one and grow out of any tragedy.

However, I know one day they will ask questions, I give them opportunities now but they don’t ask much. And I’ll always be grateful that my sister has left TWO slices of her for us to adore.

I hope they never lose their sense of happiness or become a statistic of grief in the future as they grow into women.

And Dempsey is fortunate to have found sisters in them; they make up a huge hole in her life for the sister SHE is missing.  They smother her sometimes with affection which makes my heart swell!


I love the girls like they are my own….I appreciate that while I don’t have Savannah here, I have a small piece of her in watching Emmy and Charlotte bloom into girls who will always be of similar age to my daughter who’s missing. And I hope in time, when they need it, they will feel they have a small piece of their Mummy in me…..

The girls birthday party last year...and I'm sure a spiritual ORB right over Charlotte's face...maybe my sister, their mum, was there after all!

HAPPY 11TH BIRTHDAY EMERALD AND CHARLOTTE!
Love you! XX