Anticipating our angels birthday....

In a few days time it will be Savannah’s twelfth birthday. The feelings this week aren’t foreign to me now. The wishing she was here….the sadness that comes and goes and the flash backs to when she was here. And it’s like for the next few days I have to go to that place where I don’t want to go. Like the dentist to get a tooth ripped out, or to get a painful injection. I can’t avoid it or put it off or just cancel it out with a phone call.

I’m aware I should be celebrating Savannah’s birth and how through her death I have found new meaning in the world…how, because of her existence, she has morphed me into a better person. But the reality is my stomach churns at the thought of Thursday. No matter how hard I try to alter the ‘what is’ and the ‘if onlys’ in my head. And that’s the reality.

                              Me and my God Mother Jan..one of Mum's best friends, in Australia

On Saturday a card arrived for us from my God Mother in Australia, Jan.  Inside the card she’s written... “Thinking of you on Savannah’s birthday. Many others whose lives she touched will be thinking of her also.”

Jan’s words weighed heavily on me….these ones in particular…” lives she touched and thinking of her.” And apart from thinking how special it was of Jan not to just write “thinking of you” I considered exactly what those words meant…..

I thought how every year those who knew Savannah always call, or email, or text or do something in her honor….just as if she was alive.  And that gives me comfort….to know she’s made an impact on my friends and family.  That maybe, she’s shaped their lives in a positive no matter how small, tangible way.

I think her time both here and in heaven has taught them how fragile life can be….like a broken heart…. and how important life and love is and stuff money can't buy!   How to take nothing for granted......and, how our children are gifts to be treasured and nurtured and loved…for they can be taken away in a second!  I had to learn that the hard way.

Our last lot of visitors left on Saturday. So I feel I’ve had a small hiatus from my usual obsessive sad thoughts about Savannah’s upcoming birthday.  Like I’ve had my pause button hit for the past few weeks. But yesterday the clock started ticking again. 

And I rang my Dad to tell him about Jan’s card….his advice; “What I do is just not think of it…or try not to anyway because it’s just too sad.”   I wish I had my Dad’s resilience.  But I don’t. I just can’t shut it out.

                Demps writing on her sister's balloons on Savannah's 7th birthday.  It's tradition now...


Dempsey too reminded me this morning that it’ll be Savannah’s birthday in a few days, and she added; “We have to get twelve balloons this year to let go to heaven for Savannah Mummy!” And I did wonder how we’ll get 12 helium balloons home in 100 degree heat in the back of my car without some of them popping? Dempsey can’t wait…..but I can.


I know in the next few days I’ll go into a bit of a fragile state…..but I’m ready for it these days.   I just have to let go and work through the hard bits.  And I know Friday will be ‘just another day.’  But until then, I’ll think of my God Mother’s card, and her words, and how lucky I am to have family and friends that will always remember Savannah….that she was here and that she made an impact in her time on this beautiful earth.


I know I’ll survive her birthday as I do every year. I’ll find the strength inside BECAUSE of the support I have around me. And those family and friends will never understand just how much I love them for that.

Savannah's 3rd birthday....the last one when she was well enough to enjoy it

But I’d still rather be shopping off a list, for a beautiful twelve year old blue eyed girl….maybe I’d be buying her first bra….or a Justin Bieber shirt…a pretty handbag or some make up. Instead I’ll buy her a card, as I always do, and write in it as if she was here….and put it with the pile from previous birthdays, that seems to be getting bigger….like she would be if she were here........

A dream come true!

"If you can dream it, you can do it.  Always remember that this whole thing was started with a dream and a mouse."  -  Walt Disney

Inside our letterbox on Saturday, wrapped in a plain white envelope, was one of my dreams come true…..I ripped open the cardboard…..and out fell a book!

The book is from The Open to Hope Foundation. A foundation established by Dr. Gloria Horsley, PhD, MFC, RN, and Dr. Heidi Horsley, PsyD, LMSW.  Both are bereavement specialists who started the popular website http://www.opentohope.com/ which has scores of articles, a radio show and many priceless articles from different authors....all who’ve experienced grief and loss and hope.  It’s a ‘go to for grieving people” and a site I regularly submit articles to.

When they contacted me about submitting one of my stories I couldn’t really believe I would be privileged to be in the pages of this wonderful resource for others who are desperately searching for hope after losing someone beloved.

I remember when we were told Savannah was going to die…I was panicked, lost, confused and helpless at how uncertain and out of control our life had become.  My total belief system in life had been rattled….I wanted to read how a mother survives the loss of a child…how you keep going?  How you learn to find meaning in the senselessness of it all?  How, after my daughter was no longer here how my world would have any value ever again?  I wished for a book just like this one.

Wrapped inside each story is the same theme….HOPE….like a promising hug!  From others who have been to that place where I once was….trying to find strength and determination and the courage to go on after being clobbered by grief.  To find answers to questions from those that have lived through the heartache and understand..and have survived!

I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would one day be writing to help others survive one of the most profound experience in a person’s life.  Or that I’d have my name in a book alongside the likes of Katie Byron, or Mitch Album, or acclaimed Doctor’s…..or simply others dealing with hope.  I know I’ll never be the next J. K. Rowling, but this is a start…an encouraging one. :)

This book would be a wonderful gift to someone who has lost a loved one…when flowers don’t seem appropriate, or you don’t know what to say.  This book will help them. And for that I am grateful, honored and thrilled to be part of such a fantastic project.

I can’t even begin to describe my excitement as I flipped through the pages and found the article I had contributed.  WOW WOW WOW! And people say dreams don’t come true! :)

I wish my mum was alive so I could phone her and scream down the phone line about how excited I am…
However, Saturday afternoon Dempsey again reminded me how truly fortunate I am.  Watching me flick through the pages she asked,  “Can I read your story Mummy?”   I did contemplate for a second if it was appropriate reading for an eight year old….but Dempsey has been on this journey too…..and I don’t sugar coat it.  I watched her sit with my book, on our stairs and read my words.  I took a mental photo of it to put away in my proud moment memory bank!

And after she’d finished, she looked up at me, smiled and threw her arms around my neck. “That’s a good story Mummy…..can I read some of the other peoples stories later?”   “If you want to Precious!” I replied with a smile, feeling sappy and teary eyed.

And with that, Demps handed me back the book and rushed outside to join our visitor’s boys in the Jacuzzi. I joined them too…with my feet up on a chair, reading some inspirational stories that filled my blue cup with sunshine….

I watched Dempsey giggling and splashing in the water and amongst the commotion and ruckus of the kids innocently enjoying ‘life’…..it hit me that Dempsey is a survivor too!  And I pondered over what her dreams will be in the future?  However, I know amongst the chaos of living and the unpredictable moments we are dealt with…that dreams can and do come true. 

I hope one day to have my book published about my journey..about the loss of my sister, mother and Savannah...and I know through this experience, anything is possible!  If you can dream it, you can do it…….

Open to Hope: Inspirational Stories of Healing After Loss

P.S;  I don't get any financial gain from any sales of this book, however I would like to give a copy away to one of my readers who leaves a comment...I'll get Dempsey to draw the name out of a hat! :)

The book is available on http://www.amazon.com/ at bookstores nationally or through the website www.opentohope.com/book

The drips of grief like a leaking tap!

The last two weeks our home has been like one of those revolving doors at a posh hotel, that seem to go round and round and round!


We’ve had visitors from Japan and Australia staying with us. And it seems as one zips up their case and lugs it to our door, there is another friend arriving with a fresh case of clothes and hello hugs. It’s been fun……exhausting, but fun to have our house filled with friends. And it’s taken my mind off the fact that it’s only 16 more days until Savannah’s twelfth birthday.

One of our visitors from Oz...Trishie with Savannah...she was like her second Mum.

Demps at 5 with Trishie...
  

                                        Demps 4 years on in the same spot..Dempsey calls her "Mummy Trishie!"


                                                                                     
I’ve had the usual longing for Savannah since our visitors departed, however while they were here it’s been like a respite not to have my thoughts consumed with her upcoming special day.


Dempsey as usual, has lightened my mood and made me thankful. She had her last day of third grade on Thursday. And as I stopped the car at her school, all I seemed to see was 6th graders laughing, dressed in pretty dresses, walking through the school gate under a bunch of billowing green and gold foil balloons. And I thought of our angel Savannah, how it’d be her last day of Elementary school. How she’d be graduating…..

I wondered what sort of dress she would’ve chosen, and how proud I’d be to watch her mark such a massive milestone. And just like that, the drops of grief started dripping like a leaking tap. But not for long as Dempsey’s infectious enthusiasm at finishing her last day…along with straight A’s snapped me back to the present.  

After school I took Dempsey and her BFF Marlee to our local outdoor mall and watched them giggle and run through the fountains that shoot out water like magic, in tune with loud music. Sitting on the mall bench, waiting for the other mums, I found myself grinning. Grateful for Demps and her happy spirit!  Alive... dancing silly moves, dodging the water, oblivious to any self consciousness....

Yesterday, Peter and I sat anxiously on uncomfortable wooden chairs, amongst rows of other Mums and Dads as we listened to Dempsey perform at her first ever piano recital! She hit every note perfectly……and of course I applauded louder than any other parent in the room! :)

I think after surviving grief your joy is so much more intense…the small moments so much sweeter than before. And at the end of the concert, Dempsey proudly accepted her first certificate from her Russian teacher to say she’s passed level one of piano…..beaming at Peter and I and finishing the day with an eager beaver bow!

Dempsey with her Piano Certificate...and me, proud Mamma! :)

However, yesterday afternoon, high on life after the concert, we headed to a friends birthday party. Sitting at the kitchen table, with a few other mums, the conversation turned to a few deaths that have hit our community. One was the death of a jogger, who left behind two children, the other, a teen suicide. I was heartbroken to hear of these families and what they must be dealing with because of their loss…their pain fresh and intense……

But, as I listened to one of the mums keep saying over and over “How sad!” and “Gee, that’s so tragic” I began to feel weird, the comments hit a nerve. I felt like a freak, and I wondered why they didn’t mention my losses. It was like there was a huge elephant in the room, namely me, the mother of a dead child, who DID have an idea what it felt like for both the mother of the girl and also how the husband and children of the jogger have just had their lives ripped apart!

And the more the girls chatted, the more my destructive self pity seemed to grab hold. I sat there jiggling my leg under the table, wanting to escape. And I kept telling myself to “Stop it Dee!” But I couldn’t, I felt hurt that no-one acknowledged Savannah! And just as I was about to make a run for it, out to the naive men outside around the BBQ, my gorgeous friend Mary must’ve sensed my awkwardness. She smiled at me and said, “It’s Savannah’s birthday in a few weeks isn’t it Dee? June 30 right? I imagine the next few weeks will be hard on you guys.” My eyes started to blink quicker and quicker, to hold my tears… “Yes, it is Mary, thanks for thinking of Savannah.” I said. And there it was – acknowledgement that someone understood that all the chit chat about children and death is still difficult. It always will be. But I appreciated the invisible rope Mary threw me, her compassion…….


And unlike a dripping tap that can fixed, I can’t call a plumber to stop the constant drip of tears or grief that I know are just simmering under the surface in the next few weeks. But I’ll try and stay busy…..and try not to have a pity party, however I know if I do slip, it’s ok. It’s normal. And that’s something I didn’t understand before.

I also know this afternoon we have a fresh family of Aussies about to invade our four walls. I’ll be at the door to welcome them tonight with a smile, knowing that the noise their two boys and Dempsey will deafen us with will sidetrack the drips and the pangs of pain. They’ll be a welcome distraction...they'll help put sunshine in my blue cup…and plug up the drips....for now anyway! :)

"Be happy with what you have." :)

The old saying “Be Happy with what you have” was my mantra today!


This morning I went to our filing cabinet to find an old email regarding insurance and came across a bulging file labeled “Savannah/IVF”......I wanted to read the emails in that file!  And I knew it might be like ‘curiosity killed the cat’ however, I know when to pick my battles these days…I felt strong enough to open up a piece of my past.


After our daughter Savannah died, Peter and I tried to have another child through IVF pre-genetic diagnosis.  So for a few minutes, I stared off into space and imagined what our family dynamic would be like if we had Savannah here with Dempsey and maybeeeee, just another one or two kids?  It wouldn’t be Brady Bunch perfect, but it would be different to my present reality.....the house wouldn’t be as quiet, my saucepans bubbling with more food, and maybe the dinner table a scene of sibling squabbles.


We had 6 attempts at IVF in Australia.  And I am grateful for the opportunity.  You see through some sheer chance of fate…Peter and I share a faulty gene in our DNA…the same one!   What are the chances of meeting another person with that same faulty gene, of falling in love with them and marrying them and having a one in four chance of producing a child with a deadly disease because of one shitty rogue gene?  Well it happened to us. And I’ve given up looking for the answer as to ‘why’…I’ll never know.

One of the many letters I found in the file about 1 IVF attempt.....


Before Savannah died, the pre-genetic testing through IVF wasn’t available anywhere in the world. So we were fortunate to have had Savannah’s DNA tested so the Murdoch Institute in Australia could determine exactly what her DNA chain was made up of....so the IVF lab could create a probe to test our embryos for her terminal disease.

I remember sitting in the geneticists office a few years after she died like it was yesterday…..and being told with such sterility that I gave her this faulty gene, and Peter gave her that faulty gene….and I remember the burning in my throat and my eyes and the pain in my heart at the tragedy and my guilt of it all….how through an instant at conception, Savannah had been doomed because of two faulty genes we’d given her.  I felt like a failure as a mother…why Savannah?   Why couldn’t she have only 1 faulty gene, like Demps does? But I’ve found it destructive and exhausting to mindlessly go over and over the ‘whys.’ All I know is the ‘what is.’


And for anyone going down the route of IVF, it’s a rollercoaster ride.  It’s a foreign way to try to be blessed with a baby.  You’re pumped full of drugs and injections and invasive ultrasounds where they stick probes inside you to study how many eggs your ovaries are dripping with……like some alien grape vine. But it’s worth every second of pain and heartache if you are one of the lucky ones!


But for some reason another child wasn’t to be for us….. and there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough, no more tries, no more wishes….just an impossible dream that you have to accept.  And decide to be happy with what you have…


So yes, I’m at peace now that we tried to give Dempsey a sibling….however, there is often a twinge of regret and envy when I do see families of 2 or 3 or 4.   I know how lucky we are to have Demps…things could be different and I could be grieving the death of both my children. I saw desperate mothers at the IVF clinic with medical files as big as a bible….and still no baby!


At our last IVF attempt, two happy, attractive young scientists entered my cubicle to show me a Polaroid of the two embryos they would implant….they pointed out Savannah's mutations on a graph in my medical file and compared it with the embryo's, which were different.   And it hurt me that they saw Savannah as some data on a piece of computer print out.  I mulled over and over it for the next hour while waiting in that cubicle.  And when it was time to leave I asked the nurse if I could see those same two pretty young  scientists….from out of my wallet I handed them a photo of Savannah.

                                              This was the photo I showed the scientists of Savannah


And I told them with tears how she loved books and swimming and honey on her toast...that she had such a happy spirit!  I told them in hope that next time they deal with an anxious Mum, as they study the mindless medical DNA, they see a little girl or boy, who was precious, who was on this earth and made a difference in their short time here.


However my reality now is I do have Dempsey, and she is enough.  She will always light a spark of gratitude inside me of just how blessed I am.

                            Love her......


Being alive is full of risks and maybes!  However, being happy is connected to learning to cope and accepting life as it is….like a connect the dot drawing in one of Dempsey’s coloring books. To make the best of it!

Yes, “Be happy with what you have” often whispers to me like a long lost friend. However, I can always imagine……as long as I’m content with our little family, just the way we are!

:)
.

Brought to you by the Letter H :)

Do you ever laugh until you cry….or cry until you laugh? Laughter is the B E S T medicine! I had a weekend, filled with belly aching laughs (no tears) and thanks to friends, I feel as if I’ve had my batteries topped up. Like I’ve been plugged into an electrical outlet and recharged, like my cell phone. I’m happy!

I typed the word “happy” into the online dictionary. This is what it said; “characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind”   After the weekend, It’s like the happy train has pulled into my station and there’s an empty seat with my name on it.

So this morning I dissected the past few days so I could pinpoint the watchamacallit, or the thingamajig that’s caused my cheery mood. And after examining my weekend under the microscope, I realized its some simple things like laughter and fun friends that I have access to everyday…that I’ve had access to all along that have managed to fill up my blue cup with sunshine. What a difference a week makes! :)

Happy Hour around our back 'T' last Friday

Friday night, our regular get together was an unusually big one. We had loads of visitors around our back table…mostly people from Peter’s work, but it was multicultural, the seats taken up with visitors from Oz, different corners of the 50 states and some Japanese guests…and it was fun with a capital F!

The boys stood around the BBQ engaging in testosterone fuelled talk, while us girls huddled around our back table and talked about girlie stuff…..like our latest shoe purchases and our favorite cocktails and ‘boys!’ And it was almost as good as a girl’s night out! Compliments were buzzing around the table like mosquitoes on a hot summer night. I haven’t laughed so much in a long time….and it feels great.

My new bright cheery tea towel

My gorgeous friend Steph presented me with this cute colorful tea towel from Anthropologie…love their stuff! “I saw this and thought of you Dee.” Steph said. It’s only a tea towel, but to think Steph must’ve stood in that store, thought of me and decided to purchase this lovely hand sewn bit of cloth, made me feel special! I felt like she’d just given me an original Picasso….and I realized it’s these little things that anyone can pay forward to others, like a sincere compliment, that costs nothing……or an inexpensive gift that can create a ‘happy frame of mind’ for others like my friends did for me over the weekend.

Our friends visiting from Australia packed this in their suitcase for us…Milo…yummo! One of Dempsey and my favorite malted drink. You can sprinkle it on ice-cream or heap it into a cold glass of milk. It’s so Australian it felt like getting a hug from home.

Dempsey enjoyed a ride on the happy train too with a few laps around the block with Daddy on the scooter. She loved the wind in her hair and riding pillion with Peter….I stood waiting patiently for them with a smile on my face.

Demps and I enjoyed a bubble blowing morning…the bubbles reminding me that at any moment our perfect life or bubble can burst….however, its what you do with your time in between if it does happen to pop, or explode as to be the case with my family…. It’s how you can be happy, or find things that make you happy, or do things for others to bring them some sunshine if they need it that makes all the difference. I’ve learned that on my journey.

I’m going to make a conscious effort this week to pay it forward and put sunshine in someone else’s blue cup, whether it be through a compliment, a small gift, a hug or time spent with people I love.

So, all aboard the Happy Train, I’m hoping there’s one leaving your station that will have you barreling down the tracks of life.....through the dark tunnel where there’ll be a beaming bright light at the other end. That through your family or friends you can find an empty seat that’s just perfect for you!


.

"Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop" - Ovid

To quote Ovid, a great Roman poet born in ancient Rome…

“Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.”

This saying resonated deeply with me this week. We all need a rest if we’ve been through a trying time so we can be our best and enjoy each day we've been given.

When I was growing up, my Dad was a wheat farmer.  I watched my father strive to be a wonderful provider for our family.  Year in and out he ploughed the land, planting wheat crops. Some years there was drought, or locust plagues and sometimes a bumper crop!  If the harvest was a bumper one, Tarnia, Mark and me would line up amongst the light golden brown stalks of wheat before it got stripped, while Mum took our photo….usually with Mark pulling a silly face. :)  I can still remember one year where the wheat seemed almost as tall as me.

Dad had an honest and noble occupation. He worked hard, almost 24/7. I remember as a little girl, when he wandered in our laundry door from a day driving the tractor….he’d take off his dusty RM Williams boots and disappear into the bathroom to shower off the red dirt that stuck to his body like mud. We took family vacations either after the crop was stripped by huge machines called Headers, or, when the rich mallee dirt needed resting after Dad ploughed it….before he’d begin to sow the new crop.

Reflecting on Ovid’s quote made me think of Dad, and how he would say “Moppet, a paddock needs to take a rest”…..and so this week did I……..

Since Sunday, I’ve felt withered like a crop that’s had hail damage, I feel I need to be watered and hydrated after all my weeping, and to be weeded of all the stinging nettles that keep re-growing like weeds in my life. I’ve been exhausted!  I even purchased a pregnancy test...I've been that tired and I wanted a tangible explanation for it.  But I think the stress and worry over my brother’s heart surgery finally took its toll on me.

Our bodies are amazing machines that warn us through aches and pains and tiredness that its time to rest…like the earth when it’s fallowed…to allow time between seasons and growth. So this week, I had a lot of down time and did things to relax and renew my spirit….I also did a bit of retail therapy! :)

Nothing like a bit of Victoria's Secret to make me feel better!

Green Tea and Chocolate bickies(or cookies if you are in the USA) great re-energizers

My neighboor Renee gave me this beautiful calming Rose scented candle that filled our house with the relaxing aromatherapy of roses

My brother Mark went home only five days after his bypass graft. He’s resting and bored and raring to go back to work. It’s amazing that he’s had his chest sawn open and wired back together….and he’s on no pain medication! Also, that’s he’s been given another opportunity at living life…his doctor said some people don’t get the chance he’s been given…..

Mark with his 'Little Ted' and the big Ted I sent

I couldn’t send flowers to the ICU so I sent this big teddy bear with a bright happy red bow.   Little Ted in the photo had pride of place on his bed when we were growing up. Mark would throw little Ted at the wall if he didn’t get his own way!  He tells me Little Ted has a minder now in Big Ted....like Mark is with me.

Hopefully by next week I’ll be firing on all cylinders again like my brother is….that my body will be a crop of sunflowers instead of a weeping willow tree.

Thanks to everyone who sent messages about my big brother Mark and his open heart surgery….YOU put sunshine in my blue cup this week and have also heaped topsoil back in my paddock to help cultivate my crop for whatever seeds may be sprinkled and grown in the forthcoming seasons of life…….

I took this of Dempsey in a crop of wildflowers near our house....a reminder to me to enjoy natures gifts


And I hope if you need it too, you can rest your field, regroup and be ready to reap a bountiful crop of blooming sunny wildflowers in the coming days, no matter what your challenges may be. x

.

Rainbow reminders through the storms of life.......

Life is like a rainbow and so is the human spirit!  Both filled with different colors.  Brilliant, calming, unusual and of course dark.  Friends can be like a rainbow too. Coming to your rescue after a storm and helping you to see the world is truly beautiful.  Like, when you spot a rainbow in the sky, I always stop, and look, and reflect in awe at one of nature’s miracles.


My weekend was like a squally storm...then out of the darkness, rainbows appeared!  Splinters of beauty and hope and faith filled my Friday, Saturday and Sunday!

I had another unexpected phone call from my Dad which caught me off guard…..it seems the grey cloud has moved back over our family…but more of that later.   I wanted to share and give you hope if you need it, that family and friends can be your rainbow....to help you weather any storm.

Mary's fragrant bouquet


After a blubbering sooky phone call with my friend Mary on Friday, she arrived with this home grown bunch of colorful roses….a symbol of love and of the fragility of life.  My kitchen smells like a spring garden in bloom….I was so thankful! :)


And my friend Steph took it upon herself to ring me on Sunday and wish me a Happy Mother’s Day from her holiday in Vegas….I think that took a lot of courage, to ring a mom who you know may make your day dark.  My cousin Heash called from Oz and I got some beautiful facebook messages and texts to let me know I wasn’t alone.   We skyped with my sister's twins, and they set a fine example, happy and oblivious to any sadness….. And my neighbor Renee knocked on my door with some lavender hand cream and a hug.  Yes, my weekend was filled with many shades....most of them vibrant!

Dempsey's gorgeous Mother's Day words of wisdom.....


My little rainbow Dempsey climbed into bed with me on Sunday…”Happy Mother’s Day Mummy!” she said and proudly placed this picture in my hands. My perceptive eight year old daughter ‘gets it.’ She’s written “Thank you mom for making me SUPER happy to be alive.”  My heart surged….

Dempsey's sun she made at school...it will remind me to smile...

And to add to the picture was a present….”It’s a smiley sun Mummy, for you!”

Dempsey didn’t paint it a brilliant yellow or a burnt orange, she’d colored it brown…and it made me smile and consider how sometimes the sun can be brown, or grey or blue, but it’s always shining and reminding us there is always light, no matter how bad things seem.

And that brings me to the phone call from my Dad. I wasn’t prepared for his alarming news…..that my big brother Mark had suffered three heart attacks and was in the hospital.  That he has to have a quintuple bypass graft... “But he’s only forty-seven!” I cried.

My tears were instant as the shock set in and I listened to my Dad cry down the phone line.

I couldn’t survive through another loss….. but as the weekend moved forward, all my friends and family seemed to take my hand and drag me along....they helped me, and I know that no matter whatever the storm ahead brings, there’ll be rainbows in the love I am blessed with that will outshine any dark day.

My brother Mark, with his girlfriend Fiona and me at Christmas in Australia

My brother Mark has always been so protective of me. He’s a diamond in the rough!  I adore him.

When I got to hear his voice on Friday, it was comforting and reassuring that he’s going to be okay. “I love you Moppy and I’m going to be fine!” he told me.

On Thursday he’ll have his chest cracked open and his heart stopped by a machine, while some amazing doctor’s in Australia meticulously mend five of his damaged coronary arteries. So if you’re the praying kind, please say a prayer for him.

I know he’ll have several angels watching over him, his girlfriend Fiona to help him through any tough moments….and I know from experience, rainbows in the many people who love him…..including me.

And I know the grey cloud that hangs over our family will shift, hopefully some time soon.....

However I know until it does, there’ll be many rainbows in my friends and family that will help color my world with love.  They will continue to shelter me under an umbrella of support....which is fuel for me to be the biggest rainbow in the upcoming days for my brother Mark as he recovers.


  


.

Mother's Day for me

When I was growing up, I thought my Mum was the most beautiful mother in the world!  I would sit in our bathroom, cross legged on a white fluffy stool and gaze at her as she applied her make-up. I was fascinated, watching her dip her cosmetic brush into the sink water, then she’d dab the brush into her charcoal Estee Lauder eye shadow and transform her deep set eyes into a picture of glamour.   And when I got older, we’d share a glass of wine together in that same bathroom as we groomed ourselves, swapped clothes and talked about life.

Mum never left the house without her strawberry blonde hair curled, her elegant high heels on and apricot lipstick. And when she graced a room, you noticed her. She smelt sweet, always wafting in Youth Dew perfume that infused into her clothing and permeated her skin.  That smell made me feel so safe.

   My beautiful inspirational Mum!

The dreaded Mothers Day is sneaking up on me.  And anyone who is missing a loved one, be it their mother or their baby will understand when I say ‘dreaded.’

You can’t avoid it, the happy advertisements are everywhere.  Even my inbox isn’t a sacred place anymore as email after email arrive announcing gift ideas…for example, from United Airlines – “Last minute gifts for your Mom”, and my facebook friends are changing their profile photos for smiling ones with their alive mothers! Even bloody Von’s supermarket’s flyer is covered in adverts of beautiful bouquets and Hershey's chocolates "For Your Mom!”

Well what do we mum less people do?  Or we mums who are missing our child? Or mums that desperately want a child?  You can’t hide!  It's another hard day on the calendar to face each year. One of my hardest. It's a bittersweet day and I'm trying not to let my mind wander…….

Taken on Mothers Day....Savannah stopped walking this Mothers Day morning


Savannah made me a mother.  I was totally unprepared for the immediate love that enveloped me the moment I saw her.  And Dempsey, my joy, will help me to survive another Mother’s Day with her pampering kisses and her ability to anchor my heart.  However, my Mother’s Day hurts….my grief gets magnified….and while I do try hard not to let the pain get a grip on me, this week I’ve been weeping a lot.

On Sunday, I’ll miss Savannah and I’ll miss heaing Mums voice.  My mother, who was always smiling and positive.  She shaped my character...and while she never said, “Here are the tools Diana, I will teach you"….she led by example, with her passion for living and her encouraging philosophy on life.  I have to be thankful for having known her at all!  I am brutally aware that my sister’s twin daughters will never appreciate that exquisite moment when your mother transfers all her love into you in a hug. Nobody else gives that unconditional love that your mother can.


How does anyone else on this earth replace that?   How do we get through a Mothers Day without missing the magic that is your Mum?   Well I don’t think you do.  I think you get through it the best way you can and hope, if you are lucky enough to have a child, or a husband, or a friend, or someone, that will make you feel special….then through your tears, smiles will emerge, which are food for your spirit and help remind you all is not lost.

Dempsey wrote this in class.  I love the bit "loves me when I be myself".....how lucky I am


When I was a little girl, Mum would wrap me up in her arms on her lap and say “How did I get so lucky to get you!  You could’ve gone to some other mother!”  And I find myself saying this now to Dempsey, who giggles and says "Muuummyyy!" and hugs me tighter….   So on Sunday, I’ll try to channel my mother's magic into me.  And hopefully, set a fine example for my daughter.....to give Dempsey tools that she may need one day.  I know my Mum lives on through me, as Savannah lives on through Demps and Tarnia will always be around with her four beautiful children.

I never smell my Mum's Youth Dew perfume anymore.  Its' an old fragrance.  However, a few days ago, at our friend Michelle’s house, her sweet mother welcomed me with a hug.  And as I embraced her, my sense's stirred....I realized she was wearing Mum’s perfume...and it was comforting!  I held her for just a few moments longer than I should have….and just for a second, I imagined she was Mum…………..

Dempsey...my Mother's Day gift.....always


Happy Mother's Day Mum. x

Wishing you all a Happy Mothers Day and hoping you can find a little ray of sunshine if your cup is blue on Sunday. x


.

Bitter or Better? Lessons on my sister's birthday!

Today is my sister’s birthday. Tarnia will forever be 39 years old. She never got to celebrate her 40th birthday!

While writing this blog outside on this warm May morning, I noticed a tiny whispy feather trapped in some dry grass that had blown up to our door. It was trapped like all of us are on this grief journey, however, I smiled when I saw it.  A message from Tarnia today I’m sure!

The tiny whispy feather I spotted this morning..a message from my sister?


There are deep-seated messages and lessons I’ve learned from her death that today, I reflected on.

As I poured boiling water into my tea this morning the steam from the kettle blended with the tears in my eyes. “Happy Birthday Tarnia” I said to myself. And the word that popped into my head to describe her not being here…. “unfair.” And it is unfair and unjust…but those emotions can lead to feeling bitter. And that’s not how Tarnia would want me to be….with a slip of a vowel; I can choose to turn bitter into better instead!

To be a better aunt, a better sister, a better wife, a better daughter, a better friend and a better Mum to Dempsey. To be better at being aware of just how lucky I am to be here!

To be better at relishing in each day instead of wasting it or complaining about trivial stuff. Like the other night….I sat and eavesdropped at a party as two friends obsessed over how many calories are in peanut butter!! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, and I wanted to say “Be grateful you can enjoy bloody peanut butter!”

Tarnia's 4 beautiful babes!

It is unfair that this morning her twin girls won’t climb into her bed beside her for a cuddle. Or that Fraser can’t pick a bunch of sweet smelling roses from her garden for her, as he does for me now. Oh, and how she’d be smiling, listening in awe about the naughty goings on Alexander has been up to in his first semester of University down in the big smoke. And Tone, who’s left with the mess and only memories and an empty side of the bed.

And my Dad….today, I told him I was thinking of him…he just thanked me, as Peter probably will with Dempsey one day when its her sisters birthday. Yes, it’s difficult not to be bitter…. Nonetheless, I do look at her death on her special day as a reminder to me to “be better!”

Tarnia and Tone


The loss of a loved one rips you apart, but time can be an amazing ally. Like a therapist….it allows us an interlude where slowly, every so slowly, piece by piece, time puts the majority of you back together. Even though your core is different, you can become better because of it. Like a jigsaw puzzle, where all the pieces finally fit back together, and you can clearly see the big picture. However, with my puzzle there will always be one impossible piece that will never fit. A renegade chunk that can be bitter and it IS a constant battle to stop that part of the puzzle from changing me into someone I don’t want to be. And neither would my sister!

I bet if I could have one last conversation with her, if she knew that it would be the last…she would say, “Diana, love my kids. Look after Tone. Laugh a lot. Take care of Dad. And kiss your babies” and that’s the better bit….because of that, I strive to be better.

So today, it is her birthday, but I feel like I have been given a gift. A gift to realize and appreciate and never never forget to be happy, to love my loved ones with gusto and to be a BETTER person! Tarnia was always smiling, and she’d want that for me too!

Happy Birthday Tarnia and thank you…you will always be my big sister……and, I will always miss you. x



.

This Season of Hope...celebrating Easter.

Anyone grieving wishes they could sleep through the holidays. Special occasions can stir up old memories and a craving for our loved ones who’ll be missing out….

A few days ago I received a message from a lovely lady who read my blog. She wrote; “Grief is so hard and every holiday seems to spit it right back in my face! I get up and I fall down more….I struggle so!”

For some of us, Easter or this time of year does mark many things. The death of Jesus and his resurrection or get togethers with family and friends, where we can feast on their love and laughter. And this fuel can help to keep you going, and top up your tank for the next hard day ahead on your journey. Well it does help me.

On Easter Sunday, I thought of the many people who would be wishing that Easter Bunny could take away their pain, instead of deliver gifts. If only you could wrap up your hurt in sparkling foil like an Easter egg….and place it in an empty basket….and leave it at the front door with a juicy carrot and a note attached.  But you can’t. On special days you have to labor through your grief, and its hard work.

However, this year, even though I miss Savannah and Mum and my sister, I decided to try and gift wrap my grief and put it away for the day….and I understand not everyone can do this…especially if your grief is fresh and raw like a new cut.  I decided to make my own rules as the day progressed and try to enjoy whatever the day brought. I hope you can take comfort and hope, that in the future, that there will come a day when maybe you can do this too.

      Half of my delicious Hot Cross Bun

Its tradition in Australia to have hot cross buns at Easter time. I’ve never seen them in the USA however, a friend of ours somehow found them in a bakery here. They were sticky and lush…..I toasted mine as my mum always did, adding a sprinkle of cinnamon and sugar amongst the melted butter. They were doughy, and only had a few sultanas scattered throughout the bun, but they took me back in time to Easter in Oz with my family when I was a little girl.

Dempsey was thrilled with her goodies the bunny had left and gorged on chocolate all day…..AND I let her! :)   It’s easy to let your guard down and over compensate on our kids that are alive.   After all, it’s only a bit of sugar……

These little characters are called Squinkies and are the latest craze amongst Dempsey’s friends. There are rabbits and kittens, fairies and farm animals that live inside tiny plastic gumballs. Easter Sunday, I loved seeing the smile and wonder on Dempsey’s face as she popped open each gumball to discover what was hidden inside.

           Savannah playing with Trishie at Easter.....

Savannah loved Easter. On Sunday I lit her special pink rainbow candle and hugged her ashes and wished her a "Happy Easter Bubby!"  I have memories of her scampering amongst the grass collecting eggs in her bucket.  I did wonder what she would’ve liked in her Easter basket......I always will.

The bible believes Easter is a time of resurrection or rebirth. And so it is with grief, each day is a chance for renewal, for hope and a choice to try and rise each day to celebrate being alive….even if you are missing a special someone.  Tomorrow is always a new day............

Wishing you Sunshine if your cup is blue over these Easter Holidays. x