Monday, June 27, 2011

Anticipating our angels birthday....

In a few days time it will be Savannah’s twelfth birthday. The feelings this week aren’t foreign to me now. The wishing she was here….the sadness that comes and goes and the flash backs to when she was here. And it’s like for the next few days I have to go to that place where I don’t want to go. Like the dentist to get a tooth ripped out, or to get a painful injection. I can’t avoid it or put it off or just cancel it out with a phone call.

I’m aware I should be celebrating Savannah’s birth and how through her death I have found new meaning in the world…how, because of her existence, she has morphed me into a better person. But the reality is my stomach churns at the thought of Thursday. No matter how hard I try to alter the ‘what is’ and the ‘if onlys’ in my head. And that’s the reality.

                              Me and my God Mother of Mum's best friends, in Australia

On Saturday a card arrived for us from my God Mother in Australia, Jan.  Inside the card she’s written... “Thinking of you on Savannah’s birthday. Many others whose lives she touched will be thinking of her also.”

Jan’s words weighed heavily on me….these ones in particular…” lives she touched and thinking of her.” And apart from thinking how special it was of Jan not to just write “thinking of you” I considered exactly what those words meant…..

I thought how every year those who knew Savannah always call, or email, or text or do something in her honor….just as if she was alive.  And that gives me comfort….to know she’s made an impact on my friends and family.  That maybe, she’s shaped their lives in a positive no matter how small, tangible way.

I think her time both here and in heaven has taught them how fragile life can be….like a broken heart…. and how important life and love is and stuff money can't buy!   How to take nothing for granted......and, how our children are gifts to be treasured and nurtured and loved…for they can be taken away in a second!  I had to learn that the hard way.

Our last lot of visitors left on Saturday. So I feel I’ve had a small hiatus from my usual obsessive sad thoughts about Savannah’s upcoming birthday.  Like I’ve had my pause button hit for the past few weeks. But yesterday the clock started ticking again. 

And I rang my Dad to tell him about Jan’s card….his advice; “What I do is just not think of it…or try not to anyway because it’s just too sad.”   I wish I had my Dad’s resilience.  But I don’t. I just can’t shut it out.

                Demps writing on her sister's balloons on Savannah's 7th birthday.  It's tradition now...

Dempsey too reminded me this morning that it’ll be Savannah’s birthday in a few days, and she added; “We have to get twelve balloons this year to let go to heaven for Savannah Mummy!” And I did wonder how we’ll get 12 helium balloons home in 100 degree heat in the back of my car without some of them popping? Dempsey can’t wait…..but I can.

I know in the next few days I’ll go into a bit of a fragile state…..but I’m ready for it these days.   I just have to let go and work through the hard bits.  And I know Friday will be ‘just another day.’  But until then, I’ll think of my God Mother’s card, and her words, and how lucky I am to have family and friends that will always remember Savannah….that she was here and that she made an impact in her time on this beautiful earth.

I know I’ll survive her birthday as I do every year. I’ll find the strength inside BECAUSE of the support I have around me. And those family and friends will never understand just how much I love them for that.

Savannah's 3rd birthday....the last one when she was well enough to enjoy it

But I’d still rather be shopping off a list, for a beautiful twelve year old blue eyed girl….maybe I’d be buying her first bra….or a Justin Bieber shirt…a pretty handbag or some make up. Instead I’ll buy her a card, as I always do, and write in it as if she was here….and put it with the pile from previous birthdays, that seems to be getting bigger….like she would be if she were here........


  1. Well, I don't know what the right words are to comfort so I will simply say that I will be thinking about you and your precious girl this week. Hugs!!

  2. Gorgeous Candice...thank you! Your words are just perfect. Please give your precious little girl a kiss on the forehead for me on Thursday...that would be special for me.

    Thanks for taking the time as I know you must be busy with your beautiful bub!

    with lots of love and appreciation
    Diana x

  3. May the 12th anniversary of your birthding date
    and birthday of Savannah be as gentle as you can
    manage.You seem to have a valiant spirit that is
    going to help guide you through this milestone.

    I am touched by your sharing how much what was written in that card meant to you.I can relate.

    In 1995 when my best friend died suddenly.
    My Mother gave me a condolence card and in
    it she wrote these words that I have tried
    to remember through many grief journey's,
    including the grief when she later died.

    She wrote ;
    "Your relationship with " D " is not over,
    it has changed "

    It took me years to understand what that
    truly meant.But alas,the grief journey
    teaches us that we'll always carry grief
    but we learn to live with it differently
    over time-so to return to a place in our
    lives where we can feel close to our loved
    ones enough again-to carry on,with acceptance.

    Thank you for sharing your journey,Diana.
    You (and your loved ones) have now touch mine.

    Tabitha Montgomery

  4. Tabitha!

    You have been a gift to me today! Your Mum must have been a very special person. Thank you for sharing her wise words. They are so true and I haven't heard those before but will put them in my memory bank to help me on hard days like today.

    Thank you too for your kind words. This morning has started with tears but I am very lucky to have had Savannah and to have some amazing friends and strangers I have met through this blog that help me tremendously on this journey.

    Know your beautiful message has meant a lot today....thanks.
    Diana x

  5. Tears fall when I read your words - always ... but I love how you talk about Savannah. I love that you do talk about her and how you imagine her to be today.
    Thinking of you, and your cherished memories, hold each one close til you meet again ...

  6. Thank you so much for your encouragement and for supporting my blog.

    Also for thinking of me and our Angel. Your comment means a lot - Thank you!

    with love
    Diana x