Tuesday, May 11, 2010

My Mother's Day with my signs from heaven!

I always feel I have two Mother's Day's.  You see Australia is seventeen hours ahead of us here in the USA, their Mother's Day occurs on our Saturday.  So on Saturday afternoon I began gearing up for my battle with grief.....my enemy, one that lurks in the shadows of the day, lying in wait.  I felt a bit of retail therapy would equip me with some much needed ammunition.  I didn't know what it was I wanted but I knew when I found it I would just know it was right.

Peter, Dempsey and I wandered into our local Target store, and there it was, hanging like a bright beacon in front of me.  A stunning, vibrant orange, ruffled tulle tutu.  It transformed my mood as soon as I saw it.  I had to buy it.  My whole life I always wanted a little girl to dress in a tutu, and here was just the one I needed to help get me through Mother's Day.  It looked cheerful and pretty and I knew seeing my beautiful daughter in it would brighten anybody's mood.  I had my first weapon ready for the following morning's combat.

Before I went to bed Saturday night I sat outside in the darkness and looked up to the heavens, I wished my Mom, my sister and my aunt a Happy Mothers Day, and I asked Mom for a sign, anything!  I watched for a shooting star to streak across the sky, but all I saw was the tiny blinking of an airplane tail.....but wait, what was that I heard.  Seeping through our back fence came calming music, that meant something to ME!  Our neighbors daughter was practising on her recorder...the song, "Amazing Grace", one that was played at Mom's funeral.  I sat there with goosebumps, crying, but also smiling, comforted in my belief it was Mom's Mother's Day gift to me.

Sunday morning I woke to Dempsey hovering over me, waiting patiently to give me her gift.  Her eyes were huge and her smile was beaming as she threw her arms around my neck, "Happy Mother's Day Mommy, I made this for you!"  How could I spoil her happiness with my tears, I took a deep breath and opened the box she handed me.  Inside was a beautiful hand made set of wind chimes....."Look Mommy, I even stamped angels on them for Savannah!"  I grabbed her in a tight hug and swallowed my happy tears.  "Thank you Precious, they are just what Mommy wanted!" was all I could get out.........

Demps with her gift to me!

We went for breakfast early so I didn't have to see other 'happy' Mom's and on the way home I got my second sign...from Savannah! 

When Savannah was sick, so sick she would scream in pain in the middle of the night.  I would sing her the song "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mack....most times it helped to calm her.  Mothers Day morning, there it was on the radio...a song that isn't played too often.  Peter thinks I'm crazy, that its just a song a DJ somewhere chose to play....but I BELIEVE it was Savannah's present to me....it brought me alot of comfort.

And the icing on the cake came in the afternoon, again on the radio, I couldn't believe it!  A song my sister's  husband Tony chose to play at her funeral....I haven't heard it in years, its called 'Bittersweet Symphony'.  I couldn't wait to rush in our door and tell Peter who by now then thought I'd gone completely bonkers!

So my Mother's Day was bittersweet as it always is, filled with tears, love, laughter, gratefulness and feelings of longing for some special people who I can't call anymore.  But it was also sprinkled with text messages, emails and phone calls from my living, loving, family and friends......the message I've posted below made me cry but summed up the day for me.....how lucky I am!
Dear Dee,

I just wanted to reach out wish you a peaceful Mother's Day. I know that this day must be very hard for you, but try to find comfort in the fact that when we relinquish emotions of selfishness and pity, we allow love to flow into and out of our being. Also try to find comfort in knowing that your little angel's spirit is shining brightly above us all, and that little Dempsey's spirit is shining right in front of us on this material earth. Take care of your self today and always. I love you very much, thank you for being my friend.

I hope your day was special and not too difficult and the new week can bring you sunshine in your blue cup! :)

                                Peter, Savannah, bubby Dempsey and me!      


  1. What a lovely post. How sweet of Dempsey to include her older sister in the gift she made for you. She is surely a very special and loving girl, which can only be a reflection of the loving environment she is being raised in.

    Happy Belated Mother's Day.

  2. Thanks Missy as always for your lovely inspiring msg's. Yes, you are right, children are a product of their environment and are untouched by loss or things we are affected by. I'm surprised Demps is such a happy girl considering she didn't have much of my attention for the first 2 years as Savannah was sick.

    Sending you sunshine and a kiss for your little fairy! x

  3. Diana,

    I just found your blog after looking through some of my newer followers on Twitter. I am so sorry for the tremendous losses you have experienced and the pain you have had to endure. At the same time, I am so amazed to see how you are still able to live life to the full. In fact, your cup is full and splashing over as a blessing to others.

    The title of this post caught my eye because I have also experienced those special signs from Heaven on Mother's Day. My first Mother's Day without my son and this Mother's Day have been incredible in terms of the signs I have received. I haven't written at my blog for awhile, but I need to write about this soon.

    Thank you for offering hope to those of us who have walked down this difficult path of grief, especially the grief of losing a child.


  4. Dear Sandy,

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your son....I have read your blog and look forward to your post about mother's day....it is one of the hardest days of the year to get through if you've lost a child or someone special.

    I try to look at life with a full cup...my mothers influence which I am forever grateful for although some days its difficult but I look towards the next day when this happens, hoping it will be better.

    I'm getting alot of comfort in blogging and helping others on their journey, your words have also brought comfort to me today!

    I'll look forward to checking in on your blog to see what your special signs were!

    Thanks again, sending love
    Diana x

  5. Dear Diana,

    About men and how they respond. I have this feeling that they use their facial expressions and surprise at our emotional moments because WE experience such pain that they are afraid that if they join us we will pull them under. I think that they are afraid of their feelings. I don't think that this is a bad thing or that it means anything unrealistic about them but they have been conditioned to hold it together. Men need to have us see them as strong. They need to see themselves as strong. The closest we can come to helping them feel is to acknowledge how strong they are and keep an open ear for their vulnerable moments.
    My husband lost his 19 year old son in a fire. He has said that, he doesn't want to think of it so much that it stops hurting. He wants it to always have great feeling and to experience that strong emotion because he is afraid that if he talks about it too much, it will become easy and he loves his son too much to ever allow it to be easy. I can appreciate this but it is different from how I experience grief. I am not afraid that I will not be able to grasp the depth. I do not try to change his mind. I respect his choice. He is a very intelligent man I know that his choice is his integrity with himself and with his son. I would not presume to say that this is true for all men but people are different and that is often the saving grace for us all.
    Your blog is a wonderful tribute to your daughter so full of feeling and a real source of healing for all who go there. So well done.
    Sincerely, Glenna

  6. Glenna!

    Oh thank you so much for leaving this comment....I often wonder about your journey and this will give me the opportunity to THANK YOU as YOU are one the reasons I'm writing this blog. Your beautiful email a few months ago inspired me to write, and I hope it helps others so you have played a huge part in this blog! :)x

    Your words about men and grief are so wise, and I'm so sorry for your loss, how tragic. Also for the loss of your little one. You are right about men and their grief and it took me a long time to realize Peter grieves differently to me, but no less, he just deals with it differently to the way I do....I can accept that now. :)

    Thank you again, you've made my day today, knowing that you've stopped by and I've had a chance to thank you!

    With love and appreciation for your comments.
    Diana xxxxxxxx