Friday, May 7, 2010

The anticipation of Mother's Day - in Joy and Sorrow

Mother's Day is only a few days away and already the anticipation of getting through it is eating away at me.  Every year I hope I'll be different and tell myself....."I'll be better this year"....but the truth is it hurts! 

It should be a day where I feel spoilt and loved, surrounded by my TWO daughters......I know Peter will do his best to make it special.....and Dempsey will fill my heart with warmth until it feels it may burst.  However,  that doesn't make up for it being one of those hard days you have to face each year....one that feels like a band-aid being ripped off a wound......and this morning my tears started, unexpectedly, bitter sweetly, after I read some comments my beautiful family had left on my Facebook page, that meant so much to me, after they looked at some photos of Savannah...... 

I wish my mothers day would be different, but its not going to be......Mothers Day will never truly be complete for me anymore....so I have to try and look at what I do have and be happy I have two daughters where some Mom's don't even have a child!

Peter reminded me at breakfast this morning to look at the beauty in the world...."Look out the window Dee, the rose bush has gone berserk!"



 The bush isn't just any rose bush....it's the one we planted and watered through our tears a few days after Savannah died.......overnight it seems to have gone wild, just in time for Mother's Day.....it's loaded with tiny white buds and blooming roses, out in all their glory.  I like to think Savannah has arranged for this to happen, that it's part of her Mothers Day gift to me....if only :)  On Sunday morning I'll take the scissors and collect as many of these dainty white roses as I can, fill a vase and place them on Savannah's special shelf.  I'll also put some next to the photos of my Mom and my sister Tarnia.





So for those of you reading this, who are struggling if you have lost a child or your mom, or someone special that will mean something to you on Sunday....I wish you strength to get through the day with whatever you may need.....and even though its tough, try and smell the roses that are in your life.

I write a column for www.opentohope.com below is my article they posted yesterday for Mother's Day....I hope it can bring you some strength and support that you aren't alone on your Mother's Day! x


Mother's Day brings Joy - and Sorrow by Diana Doyle

Every year on the morning of Mother’s Day I cry.


On this special day I’m greeted with a huge dimpled smile from our daughter Dempsey, who sneaks into our room, usually with a present she has made for me, hidden behind her back. The moment tugs at my heart strings, and I cry.

I cry at how lucky I am to have her in my life and I cry that our other daughter Savannah, who would be ten years old, isn’t with her sister, giving me a huge hug too and climbing into bed beside us.

If I go to the supermarket I cry. So, I’ve learned to stay away from the stores where people are queued at the checkout with colorful bunches of cheerful flowers, boxes of chocolates and cards for their mothers.

I cry when I think of my sisters four children, because they don’t have their mom to spoil. And of their Dad, Tony, who struggles on Mothers Day because his wife is missing out.

I cry when I remember past Mother’s Days when I could simply pick up the phone and call my adored Mom and tell her how much I love her. And then I remember my Mother’s words, her Mothers Day gift to me that can never be taken away – and I find myself smiling!

Her lessons, which she taught me while she was alive…..to be grateful for the simple things that I’m surrounded with, like love, family, friendships, and the compassion I have for others who are struggling to survive through their Mother’s Day without their loved ones.

My mother celebrated every day she was alive with enthusiasm and gratitude for everything we are blessed with. Like days when the sun streams in through your window or the smell of fresh jasmine. She taught me attitude drives destiny, so I try each Mother’s Day to channel her positive outlook into my day.

It’s difficult not to have a pity party on Mother’s Day, but I find by lunchtime the day gets easier, I put on something pretty, try to put a smile on my face and embrace the irresistible love my daughter showers on me and be thankful that I’ve survived another hard day the best way I could.

Down the street from our house, are cherry blossoms trees, which are in full bloom this time of year. They were my Mom’s favorite, a small reminder of her I carry with me! I purposely drive by them, think of her and know she would be proud that I’m trying to pass her valuable lessons of appreciation on to my daughter for her future Mothers Day!



PS; Today's blog is in honor of those who are facing their first Mother's Day without their loved one....I will be thinking of you and wishing you sunshine at some stage in the day x

7 comments:

  1. Diana, I've been thinking a lot about you the last few days (hopefully that doesn't come across as creepy as it sounds!). I am so glad to see that you are in good spirits and able to remember your mother, sister and daughter with a smile and to focus on the great "mothering" gifts your mother passed to you and that you will pass to Dempsey.

    Happy Mothers Day - may your weekend be filled with trashy magazines, chocolate and feathers falling from the sky.

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  2. Thanks Missy for your words, they made me smile and lol at the creepy bit, you could never be creepy!

    I hope my weekend is filled with all of the above and too many red wines to numb everything!

    U are obviously a special girl so I'm sure your 'children' will make your day great on Sunday. Thanks again, its good to know someone is reading what I put out there..ha! :) x

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  3. Hi my name is Sara. I lost my only son on March 14 of this year. He was 14 months old and died in his sleep with no known causes. I am really dreading Mother's day. How do you do it?

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  4. Dear Sara,

    I am so sorry for the loss of your little boy...your days must be hard as your loss is so fresh. When you lose a child you lose part of your soul, its painful I know, and I'm sorry for you.

    I still dread mother's day, as I wrote. Holidays intensify your grief and your pain as they are special days where your little boy should be alive with you.

    To be honest, I do as I wrote, I cry and let my grief out...somedays like mothers day it is just automatic, I'v learnt to stop fighting it and let my emotions take me where they will.

    My advice to you would be to do whatever feels right. If you don't want to go anywhere then don't, if you want to cry, then cry. On these hard days sometimes I take things minute by minute or hour by hour, hoping that I'll feel better in a few hours...or not. Sara, you need to do whatever feels right to you, not what people THINK you should be doing. Grief is such an exhausting emotion, it really is hard work on special days.

    I hope I've helped, or my blog helps. Maybe you could go somewhere quiet, like the beach, or a park and spend sometime alone with your thoughts of your special boy. On birthdays we buy balloons and let them go, this helps....but tomorrow maybe you can do something to honor your baby....buy a plant and plant it or something for yourself to make you feel better. A special piece of jewellrey or a photo frame or something that means something to you!

    Please email me anytime, thats what my blog is for...to help others like you.

    I wish you strength tomorrow, I feel your pain in your words. Know that Monday is a new day and its just another one with no meaning, even though your pain won't be any less.

    Somedays we dont' have a choice do we?

    Sending a warm hug in this email, I'll be thinking of you.
    Diana x

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  5. Thank you for commenting back. I hope that someday I will be as strong as you. My son was my pride and joy, my love of my life. He was perfectly healthy, even went to the doctor a week before it happened. I just don't understand why this happened to me. I didn't even feel like anything was wrong when I woke up, didn't even go in his room right away because I thought wow he's sleeping in so I can put the dishes away. I can't even think of the good memories. All I see in my head is his lifeless body. It took me a month before I could go in his room. Now I go in there everyday to play with his toys, smell his clothes, lay on the floor where he layed last. I'm afraid to have more children. I feel like I don't want to love someone so much again and than possibly lose them. I just don't know what to do. I'm not ready to move on. I feel like I need to be protecting him. He should be here. Thanks for listening.
    -Sara

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  6. Dear Sara,
    I really feel for you as I remember feeling the way you do now.....the grief becomes different over time but it never leaves you, it changes you and in time you will find a way to live again.

    Sometimes there are no reasons for the death of a loved one, especially a child. I went over and over "why me and why my baby", but I've learnt why not me. And it sounds as if your beautiful boy was healthy, I wish I had answers for you. Take comfort that you will love another child but they will never replace your boy that you've lost.

    I think its healing to cry and go into his room and do whatever helps, your grief has to come out for you to heal, even though at the moment you probably can't see past your tears and how much you miss your baby boy.

    Maybe you should go and see a professional counselor and they can help you, even if its just to listen......and yes Sara, your little boy should be with you, its terribly hard I know.

    I hope this helps a little bit but if you truly feel so overwhelmed then maybe you can find a counselor like I said. I only know what helped me, maybe they can help steer you in a direction that I can't. All I can say is you are stronger than you know and your beautiful boy will always be yours and you will always be his mom.
    Sending love
    Diana x

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