This Season of Hope...celebrating Easter.

Anyone grieving wishes they could sleep through the holidays. Special occasions can stir up old memories and a craving for our loved ones who’ll be missing out….

A few days ago I received a message from a lovely lady who read my blog. She wrote; “Grief is so hard and every holiday seems to spit it right back in my face! I get up and I fall down more….I struggle so!”

For some of us, Easter or this time of year does mark many things. The death of Jesus and his resurrection or get togethers with family and friends, where we can feast on their love and laughter. And this fuel can help to keep you going, and top up your tank for the next hard day ahead on your journey. Well it does help me.

On Easter Sunday, I thought of the many people who would be wishing that Easter Bunny could take away their pain, instead of deliver gifts. If only you could wrap up your hurt in sparkling foil like an Easter egg….and place it in an empty basket….and leave it at the front door with a juicy carrot and a note attached.  But you can’t. On special days you have to labor through your grief, and its hard work.

However, this year, even though I miss Savannah and Mum and my sister, I decided to try and gift wrap my grief and put it away for the day….and I understand not everyone can do this…especially if your grief is fresh and raw like a new cut.  I decided to make my own rules as the day progressed and try to enjoy whatever the day brought. I hope you can take comfort and hope, that in the future, that there will come a day when maybe you can do this too.

      Half of my delicious Hot Cross Bun

Its tradition in Australia to have hot cross buns at Easter time. I’ve never seen them in the USA however, a friend of ours somehow found them in a bakery here. They were sticky and lush…..I toasted mine as my mum always did, adding a sprinkle of cinnamon and sugar amongst the melted butter. They were doughy, and only had a few sultanas scattered throughout the bun, but they took me back in time to Easter in Oz with my family when I was a little girl.

Dempsey was thrilled with her goodies the bunny had left and gorged on chocolate all day…..AND I let her! :)   It’s easy to let your guard down and over compensate on our kids that are alive.   After all, it’s only a bit of sugar……

These little characters are called Squinkies and are the latest craze amongst Dempsey’s friends. There are rabbits and kittens, fairies and farm animals that live inside tiny plastic gumballs. Easter Sunday, I loved seeing the smile and wonder on Dempsey’s face as she popped open each gumball to discover what was hidden inside.

           Savannah playing with Trishie at Easter.....

Savannah loved Easter. On Sunday I lit her special pink rainbow candle and hugged her ashes and wished her a "Happy Easter Bubby!"  I have memories of her scampering amongst the grass collecting eggs in her bucket.  I did wonder what she would’ve liked in her Easter basket......I always will.

The bible believes Easter is a time of resurrection or rebirth. And so it is with grief, each day is a chance for renewal, for hope and a choice to try and rise each day to celebrate being alive….even if you are missing a special someone.  Tomorrow is always a new day............

Wishing you Sunshine if your cup is blue over these Easter Holidays. x

What you can do with loved one's possessions you don't want to give away.

After someone you love dies its difficult to let go of their possessions.

Whether it’s a baby blanket, an old sweater, a scarf or a ragged toy ….and sometimes we never let go. The arduous task of sorting through personal ‘stuff’ is like going to the dentist….we put it off, knowing that when confronted with their things its painful…like letting go of a piece of them, or a memory. But memories can’t be stolen or lost or given away. So yesterday I had a brainstorm about what I could do with some of Savannah’s ‘stuff.’

Dempsey’s closet is brimming with boxes, overflowing with old dusty stuffed toys and board books and dress ups that she’s simply grown out of. And Peter has been nagging me to purge.

I knew that I’d come across fragments of Savannah’s life behind the bulging sliding doors. But I was prepared. And I think if you are ready, and IF you can embrace the grief it may bring, then that’s a great place to start.


And I did find some of Savannah’s favorite toys, like a Barney toy that sings “I love you and you love me” if you squeeze his fat belly, her beloved Jemima doll that went everywhere with her. And a small plastic red wagon that I remember Savannah dragging behind her as she collected pine cones from the garden. I remember the sunshine picking up the gold in her hair as she gathered one after the other of the pine cones we’d later paint with glitter.

  Savannah's loved red wagon that I found hard to give away.  I hope another little one can enjoy the way she did.


And her books, oh her books! After Savannah’s hands became contracted from her horrid disease she couldn’t hold a book, or even turn a page! However, books still brought her comfort.

She couldn’t escape her illness, but we did manage to flee to the park. We’d pile her big red wagon and her blue reclining chair into our car and sit in the sunshine and read. Her smiles were such a reward back then! We also had a kind lady, Marcia who would come to our home, sit on her hospital bed, and read to her.

Some of Savannah's favorite books...I couldn't part with these ones :)


So, as I held these treasures in my hands I contemplated NOT giving them away, each one held a special memory. I could hear her dainty voice reading them…like she was right there next to me…..that was until Dempsey burst into the room and bombarded me with “Give those away Mummy, they’re for babies!” But how could I let go of these material things that were shrouded in memories of Savannah?


And I don’t know how this thought came to me, whether I read it somewhere or whether a light bulb went off in my brain, but I thought, “I can photograph them!” And make a memory book of these things that I didn’t want to part with but knew I had to….well, most of them anyway! :)


So tomorrow I’ll start cataloguing the ones I'll give away, one by one, this handful of cherished items that will give me gentle comfort anytime I wish…and Dempsey will have a collection of mementos of some of her sister’s short time with us which she might be interested in one day…..

Some of Savannah's favorite toys...her Jemima doll and Henry the Octopus, Humpty and Diddle the cat...so many memories attached!


And you can do this too! Create a memory album of photos of cherished possessions that you CAN’T hang onto for whatever reason, but you can record forever that can aid in your healing.

Savannah when she was well...oh how she adored her books!


I did hang on to a few I couldn’t part with….that will always just be hers!

Ones that I can take out and touch and pause to remember a little girl with a pile of books, chattering away happily, swallowed up by her imagination of some place special far away in the pages of those books…like where I imagine she is now…….

Thankful for...............

Life after loss is certainly different.  Especially after the death of a child. 

For a long time the world loses its beauty and meaning.  

But then, one morning, the tears won't come straight away and it'll be like someone has waved a magic wand....you will wake up and notice the sun seems warmer and brighter than it was. You’ll hear, really hear the birds chirping as music to your ears…and you’ll wonder why you never noticed before.

I call these things the ‘gift of grief.’ A new appreciation for the little things in life. This week, these are just a few moment’s captured on film I’m thankful for……...

Last week I had the privilege of watching my baby get her first ever trophy for third spot in the School Spelling Bee! 

My heart felt like it would burst as I watched my daughter stand tall, and humbly walk to the stage and collect the trophy that was half the size of her!

 My beaming smile could’ve lit the school auditorium. 

I wish I could bottle the pride I felt as her Mamma…and there were no tears. :)  
 
Needless to say, the trophy has become her new bed buddy and hasn't left her side since she got it!  
 

Dempsey has become obsessed with playing tennis in our street. Peter or me volley the ball up and down the road to her.

And after watching our other daughter Savannah lose so many of her physical abilities, one by one, watching Dempsey swing a racket at a small green ball is gratifying. I never take it for granted.
 

And if she manages to connect the ball with the racket, it’s a giggle fest……and a “Stop taking photos Mummy!”

After slogging the ball up and down our street and dodging the neighboorhood cars, I caught Demps outside giving herself her first mani pedi…

Her effort made me laugh....however, I don’t think it’ll be a career choice for her! :)
 
 

And with easter bunny busy assembling his delicious chocolate treats for easter, I couldn’t resist filling our lolly jar with sweet foil covered delights!  Every once in a while we need to indulge in chocolate....one of the most therapeutic things I know if I’m having a debbie downer day! 

Dempsey was patiently waiting for me to rip open the lid…… 

And these little beauties which Dempsey arranged….

How can they not make you say awwwwwwwwwwwwwww?  Uber cute right?  They look as if any minute, they are about to start chirping…….

I took this with my iphone while shopping…..

Dempsey appeared from amongst the coat hangers of a clearance rack I was perusing inside Marshalls with a “Look Mummy, this is for you!”  Oh how lucky I am…….

Sometimes we forget to smile or its difficult.....  However we can often find reminders in the most unlikeliest places....like Marshalls.

These irrisitable lumps of happy bubble gum, packaged so prettily stopped me in my tracks and put a grin on my face. 

I'm thankful I can now appreciate these little things that make my days seem fuller...to recognize them and to be thankful for simply being able to buy something so unimportant like this box of gum.  And getting hapiness out of imagining the fun Demps and I will have as we blow bubbles, let them pop and stick to our faces and then knowing that when we do....the laughter will be unstoppable.....




Wishing you sunshine if your cup is blue..... x

"Them times!" How we can find new/old memories"

Photos are powerful possessions!

After my sister Tarnia was killed I couldn’t look at a photo of her without crying.

It took a long time for the pain associated with her smiling image to disappear. And then, all I wanted to do WAS look at photos, stacks of them…so I would never forget……..

                     My sister Tarnia and Tone her husband.


But over time, most of my photos of Tarnia, Mum and Savannah have lost that penetrating pain that I got if I took them out and touched them. They still suspend me in a time warp of memories, however, they’ve become so familiar now that the impact is almost generic. It’s like your mind becomes accustomed and familiar with the same images.

However, last week, my brother in law Tone, Tarnia’s husband must’ve trawled through his old pictures and generously decided to send me a few…of Tarnia, Mum and Savannah.

So without warning, with my morning cup of coffee steaming in front of me, sitting at my computer, I opened an email he sent simply titled ‘them times.’

As my brain registered the images, it was like snap! Tears filled my eyes and my hand went up to my open mouth. Then….that gnawing feeling of longing hit and finally a smile, a sigh and….comfort.   Like I’d just been hugged. The images awakened my memory and took me straight back to some perfect moments forever frozen in time……

Mum, Alexander and the twins under Tarnia's old tree....beautiful memories!


This photo I’d never seen before!  It stirred a new/old memory inside me.  As my eyes feasted on it, I could almost feel the soft grass under my feet and hear the cicadas chirping and smell the Summer that was in the air.   I could hear my Mum’s laughter, and Alexander telling her a story, probably about Harry Potter…..and the sweet voices of the twins saying “Look Nannie!”

There were so many days when Mum would sit in the yard, in the sunshine with the kids. In a chair under Tarnia’s shady Plane Tree and cry. But being amongst nature eased her pain…and this photo reminded me of that!

   Savannah and Charlotte - just before Savannah was diagnosed.  She looks like a little doll!


And how I adore this one of Savannah that I’ve never seen before either…..looking like the Angel she is! With pink wings on her back and her pink jelly shoes on her feet at a time when she could walk!  

And to see Charlotte’s grubby little face made me smile among my tears. The photo took me back….time stopped just for a moment to record her beautiful image forever. It made me realize how old images can provide comforting flashbacks and add to memories that I had forgotten, precious memories.

Photo’s do help you survive…so I urge you to contact family or friends that may have some of your loved ones images captured somewhere.

They can whisk you back with loved ones who've died, to catch a Summer of sunny days or yesteryears gone by.   And even though we can’t go back, we can remember vividly from the images and create old/new memories that have been trapped on film for eternity.

I hope one day Dempsey will look back on our photos and smile…and remember ‘them times'.....


(Today's post is for Tone...thank you! x)

The difference Hospice can make......

This post is for every Hospice worker and pallative care nurse...and to our earth angel Julie who made such a differnce.....THANK YOU seems such a small word for the dedicating care you give.......

We’ve just bought a brand spanking new bedroom setting. Its towering wooden bed head makes me feel so tiny…but like a Princess! :)

Anyway, yesterday, while clearing the space for our new bed, I found hidden under the old bed, a book!  A very very special book.

I held it in my hands like a newborn…..and I considered not opening it because what’s on the pages makes me cry. But I had to as the written memories inside are a treasure trove for my soul!

The book is from Hospice…..from the saintly staff that cared for Savannah in her final months. Each person, even her Doctor wrote a tribute to Savannah about how she touched their life.

Inscribed inside its blue covers are words that have been carefully penned through tears and truths. Composed with an intimate understanding and involvement only those of us would recognize having had the extraordinary privilege of caring for someone in their final days.

I almost passed up the opportunity and honor of having Hospice in our house, making a huge difference to our daughter’s comfort in the days that mattered most.

When Hospice gracefully entered our home, things were grim. I had a broken leg, Savannah’s feeding tube was leaking, her pain was increasing and her health was deteriorating. Deteriorating like everything in our lives...Savannah...our marriage….and Dempsey’s patience at the lack of attention she was getting as a one year old. It was like a pressure cooker….we were almost at breaking point…..the whole family!

  It was around this time Hospice came into our lives...I had my hands full.....

But I was a nurse…couldn’t I do it all…as her mother, shouldn’t I have been able to? No! I finally admitted I needed help…and lots of it.

Hospice wasn’t a foreign concept to me. They’d cared for my adored mum in her final days. They took control of mum’s pain with morphine. They showered her in a chair so I didn’t have to compromise her dignity and fed her spirit with cheerful chatter each day while they made her bed.

However, I had a hard time handing over the reins of Savannah’s care to an unknown organization….to strangers. I was scared. Our 4 year old daughter was the most important thing in my world, and like a lioness, I was protective.

Looking back, I wish I had of let them into our world sooner. So I could play the most important role in Savannah’s life…simply being her loving mum…nothing more than that! And hospice allowed me that honor in her last months.

They are such a dedicated group of people, like a team of vigilantes who do a job that requires extraordinary compassion.  To me, hospice staff have invisible wings. They are earth angels that give so much more of themselves than what is ‘medically’ required of them.

They provided not only a hospital bed that we put in our lounge room, but oxygen tanks, an air bed that circulated around Savannah’s fragile limbs to help prevent more bed sores…and the icing on the cake…liquid med’s..that was FedEx’d to our door. Before Hospice, I had to stand in long queues at Rite Aid for Savannah’s medicine, then crush them and add water, mixing the different potions that were assisting in keeping her alive. Their rolodex of priceless medical help was just that to me…priceless!

Then there’s the emotional side. These wonderful people became like family to us. One nurse, in particular, Julie! She witnessed the raw pain, the gut wrenching torture of Peter and I having to watch our daughter struggle to die…. When I was at the lowest point of my life, when I didn’t think I could take any more, she would wrap her arms around me and allow me to sob and let out my grief.

I couldn’t have made the impact to Savannah’s final days that Hospice did.

This was taken a few weeks before Savannah died..the photo of her on the right just a year earlier...


The gift they gave me was time…to sit with Savannah, to smooth her forehead and hold her hand and not leave her bedside. The gift they gave my child was a peaceful pain free passing to the other side…where there’s no more suffering for her.

And the book…well, sitting on my dusty carpet yesterday, reading the Hospice staff’s memories brought my daughter back to life. Amongst their words I found Savannah and what she meant to others…..and it was like a warm hug. I closed the book and held it to my chest…just like I would if she was here.

I’d like to leave with you with Julie’s words, her nurse, from the book, to help you understand…...the impact Savannah left on them and the comfort Hospice have given me............

"A letter to Savannah”

My dearest Savannah.

 What I learned most in life was from your death. You taught me to appreciate life, and my family.

I savor every small thing, things like the sound of cracking from a bat when my son hits a ball, or my older sons snoring…which means his breathing.

 I learned to relax and let all the chips fall as they may, and knowing not all is in my control.

Your bravery taught me not to fear death; it has helped me do better at my job. I believe that because of you, I have been able to handle many situations, many families and make their passing smoother.

 I believe when you were born there was already a plan for you. In that short amount of time that you were on earth, you probably enriched more lives than an elderly person.

Your passing brought about pain that I never knew. In my selfish way, I wanted you to stay. I wanted to be able to see your beautiful face, your eyes….. Savvy you taught me in a short time without speaking even…..what some people take a lifetime to learn.

I hope your smile will light the way for me when it’s time to leave here.

I hope I find your strength, your courage, your bravery when I am faced with any challenge.

I loved you the moment I met you and I miss you everyday –

God Bless –

Julie -


 

Eleven years ago, we celebrated!

Today, my beautiful twin nieces Emerald and Charlotte turn eleven years old!

My sister Tarnia holding one of  the twins the day they were born!

I wanted to blog about them today, to celebrate not just their birthday and how special these girls are to me…but also to celebrate life, my sister, and that the human spirit can survive grief or any challenge we are faced with.

Emerald in green and Charlotte in pink....Mum and Dad were living with them when this was taken......

I’ve tackled different thoughts over the years about my sister’s daughters. Thoughts as to why their mum died so young at 39? Why she was taken from them when they were just babies of almost six months old? And I can’t find an answer, or not one that makes any sense anyway. The only cryptic conclusion I can come up with is that maybe Savannah needed her in heaven…to be there when she arrived a few years later…..

That may seem totally crazy or ridiculous, but so is taking a mother from her four children and husband in the prime of her life…..

It seems incredibly surreal to me that I don’t have my daughter here, who would be almost the same age as my nieces…..and they don’t have their mum.

It’s weird, bizarre, whatever you want to call it…but I take comfort from these thoughts. It’s almost like my sister Tarnia is in heaven or somewhere, loving Savannah…..and they are here on earth with me. It’s like we’ve swapped…..

Emerald, Charlotte and Fraser....


I spoke to them on Skype for their birthday in Australia..….Emmy had her hair drawn back in a ponytail, reeling off what loot she got, squashing her ear into the camera on my screen so I could see the pretty earring’s she’d been given. While Charlotte sat on a chair next to her, brushing her hair until it was smooth and shining…..oh how Charlotte reminded me of my sister who did this almost in identical fashion! And that made my heart twinge that Tarnia doesn’t get to experience any of this.

But I don’t want this post to be about sadness….I do feel sad for them that they don’t know a mother’s love, that all consuming adoration that only a mum can give….

Dresses I sent them for their 5th birthday....


Their Dad, Tone, does an amazing job of showering them with love. Apart from the two years my parents helped raise them, he’s done all the hard stuff mostly on his own. He’s nurtured them, kissed their scraped knees, wiped away their tears and prepared nutritious meals for them every night. He does both jobs, Mum and Dad!

Tone, a devoted dad with his beautiful daughters..........


And while I try not to wallow in the fact Tarnia is missing out on these birthdays, where she’d be loving being able to cook them a delicious birthday cake, or trolling the stores for their presents….or just being able to hug them and reminisce about the day they were born……her girls seem unaffected by not having a mother….and this floors me…but it’s true!

I’ve never heard them say “I wish Mummy was here!” Or “What was Mummy like?” And I tell them all the time about their mum and me growing up…how she was the sensible one, and how if she was here she wouldn’t cut their hair…amongst other things. However, they seem like any other ‘normal’ little girls that enjoy the comings and goings of being an ‘almost’ teenager. And who have a messy room! :)

Sometimes, my heart gets squeezed by moments, like watching them at a band concert play their instruments, or listening to them encourage Dempsey with homework.  They are always happy.   They seem seriously okay…and that is comforting.

Special memories of Dempsey and her cousins.....


I’m not sure why they are like they are. Maybe it’s because their Dad is a huge force in their lives, or because they don’t know what it’s like to have a mother around who'd love them with a fierce force….all I can put it down to is the human spirit is bigger than grief or loss…...

Emerald and Charlotte are happy, well adjusted, affectionate girls! Their spirits are sunny and cheerful and I put this down to their environment.  It’s evidence to me that even with the ever present shadow of grief; you can endure losing a loved one and grow out of any tragedy.

However, I know one day they will ask questions, I give them opportunities now but they don’t ask much. And I’ll always be grateful that my sister has left TWO slices of her for us to adore.

I hope they never lose their sense of happiness or become a statistic of grief in the future as they grow into women.

And Dempsey is fortunate to have found sisters in them; they make up a huge hole in her life for the sister SHE is missing.  They smother her sometimes with affection which makes my heart swell!


I love the girls like they are my own….I appreciate that while I don’t have Savannah here, I have a small piece of her in watching Emmy and Charlotte bloom into girls who will always be of similar age to my daughter who’s missing. And I hope in time, when they need it, they will feel they have a small piece of their Mummy in me…..

The girls birthday party last year...and I'm sure a spiritual ORB right over Charlotte's face...maybe my sister, their mum, was there after all!

HAPPY 11TH BIRTHDAY EMERALD AND CHARLOTTE!
Love you! XX

Thankful for............

Watching the horrific goings on in Japan, with the massive earth quake and tsunami has had an enormous emotional impact on me this week.

And I haven’t stopped thinking of the many families and friends all over the world that are currently being affected by grief this monster has created.

It reinforces to me yet again how our time should be cherished as we never know what an ‘ordinary’ day can bring.

It also draws my attention to ALWAYS being appreciative of the little things we sometimes take for granted. Especially when there are people struggling to survive in nature’s aftermath….half a world away.

For me, this week, these are a few things I’m thankful for……

This has been our sky in California this week!

A lush shade of blue, like a canvas that’s waiting to be painted. I’ve enjoyed sitting outside, with the sun’s dancing rays warming me through to my bones…while listening to the birds chirping that are oblivious to the stresses in the world……

And with the onset of ‘almost’ spring, one of my favorite things has sprung to life.  My jasmine vine!  It’s sprinkled with delicate clusters of sweet smelling gems, huddled together beneath the bushy green leaves, just waiting to burst open and fill the air with its sweet perfume.

Jasmine to me is like an antibiotic…it reminds me of my mum and also of my sister’s house in Australia which is dripping in the sweet smelling vine in springtime.

Tarnia’s coffin was laced with Jasmine, but I find it comforting to inhale its powerful scent.  It provokes many memories of home and the people I love.  I always snip the first buds that appear and place them on Savannah’s shelf next to her urn.  They are delicate like she was and the aroma sweetens our family room…you can almost taste its intoxicating nectar.

We’ve enjoyed some family time this week….paused all electronic devices for a while and indulged in some good old fashioned games!

Our friend Steph introduced Dempsey to the unfashionable game of Jacks…she took to it like a duck to water…..and mastered it with a huge grin!

Then of course there was Chess with Daddy. While I washed dishes, I found myself smiling as I watched Demps and her Dad silently enjoy this game of strategy. Needless to say, Dempsey has a long way to go before she can beat Peter, which is more than I can say for me! :) 

Just some effortless family time warmed my heart this week.

And of course there was a lesson from Dempsey…my perceptive, wise beyond her years eight year old, who continues to teach me about life!

I snapped this photo of her tiny book of thoughts which she told me I wasn’t allowed to look at, but couldn’t help sneaking a peek….she writes…”Facts that are odd in life.   1. Life!”

I can’t wait to read what she divulges next!

And life is just that, ‘odd’…..hours filled with different sorts of moments, like a game, where you don’t know what cards you’ll be dealt or whether your number will come up next…..

These moments can fill us with happiness, help build and mold our world, make us grateful and always remind us to never take a second for granted……I only have to think of what must be going on over the pond in Japan to be mindful of just how thankful we should be for each day we are graced with!

Thankful for Chez, a stranger until a few months ago...a lady who's been reading my blog from Australia, who is loving and thoughtful and understands the gift of grief...and time...thank you Chez for gifting me with me with this wonderful piece of art of our angel!  How lucky I am! x

Wishing you sunshine and reflection and moments of peace and joy this week if your cup is blue...keep our Japanese neighbors in your thoughts! x

Wishing for a magic carpet!

Do you ever have a moment where your day is unfolding nicely and then WHAM, just like that you get distracted by a thought and your day changes.....you wish your life was different to what it is?

This morning while tackling the bumper to bumper car pool line at Dempsey's school my happy mood weakened.....one of the mother's at the school gate reminded me of my old life and what I'm missing.  Her daughter and Savannah played together in a 'Mommy and me' playgroup many years ago.  She still has her daughter....I don't. 

And as I watched her smile at Dempsey as I drove off, I wondered for a second what my life would be like if I had've just dropped off TWO children instead of one...Savannah and Dempsey?  What it'd be like to enjoy two kisses on the cheek and two "I love you Mummy," instead of one?  To pack two lunchboxes and get out two sets of clothes instead of one everyday?

My two babe's....I wish I'd taken more photos of them together....



By the time I stopped at the traffic lights, I was trying to disguise the tears that were slowly rolling out from under my sunglasses from the hurried chatty mother's and their children crossing the road in front of my car. 

I also considered what it'd be like to come home and pick up the phone and be able to dial Mum, or my sister?  Just some simple little thoughts that made me cry today.  And I hate that my life is broken in that way and it can't be fixed....there is no antidote or treatment or glue or magic substance that can mend my life....and that makes me sad today. 

Peter is away working and when I have this alone time I find I reflect and I can't hide from my thoughts.

When I got home I felt like the four walls were closing in on me....suffocating me.  So I quickly grabbed my coffee, camera and writing book and headed for the park...hoping for some comfort somewhere along the pavement.  But there is no escape...where do you escape to?  And the silence while sitting on the hard metal park bench was sobering and made me feel sorrier for myself.

I want my family back, I want to be like the other mother's I saw this morning, who have all their children, and their sisters and Mum...I want my life back to how it was...before!

I get tired of pretending to be a happy housewife some days.....I get sick of being a lifeboat when sometimes I feel like the person drowning......I want a hug from my Mum...is that too much to ask for? 

And I want to pick up two children this afternoon, instead of one....and I wish I could ring Tarnia and ask her how she's feeling about my nephew starting University a few weeks ago.  This impossible dream makes me cry today...and I can't help it.  I've tried!

I wish a magic carpet would suddenly appear, hovering at my feet, waiting to whisk me away...just for a day, where I could invent a new story for myself....where I could pretend life is different....just different than what it is...........

So I sat on the park bench, pondering and crying, watching an amazing soaring hawk in the sky, it was peaceful.....and made me wonder if animals know grief???  I packed up my stuff, wiped my runny nose on my sleeve and wandered back to my reality.

Today, I'm not going to pretend to be brave, I lost something precious and its okay to have a day where I can soak up my tears and realize that.

I'm hoping Dempsey will be an enchanting force today.  Reminding me that even though I can't heal my wound or fix that broken piece of my heart.....the magic band aid of Dempsey's love and tales of how she passed her divisions, or played jump rope and broke her PB........her innocence of real life, will make me appreciate my 'different' one....she will be my smile today!

My magic band aid today!