Do you ever have a moment where your day is unfolding nicely and then WHAM, just like that you get distracted by a thought and your day changes.....you wish your life was different to what it is?
This morning while tackling the bumper to bumper car pool line at Dempsey's school my happy mood weakened.....one of the mother's at the school gate reminded me of my old life and what I'm missing. Her daughter and Savannah played together in a 'Mommy and me' playgroup many years ago. She still has her daughter....I don't.
And as I watched her smile at Dempsey as I drove off, I wondered for a second what my life would be like if I had've just dropped off TWO children instead of one...Savannah and Dempsey? What it'd be like to enjoy two kisses on the cheek and two "I love you Mummy," instead of one? To pack two lunchboxes and get out two sets of clothes instead of one everyday?
By the time I stopped at the traffic lights, I was trying to disguise the tears that were slowly rolling out from under my sunglasses from the hurried chatty mother's and their children crossing the road in front of my car.
I also considered what it'd be like to come home and pick up the phone and be able to dial Mum, or my sister? Just some simple little thoughts that made me cry today. And I hate that my life is broken in that way and it can't be fixed....there is no antidote or treatment or glue or magic substance that can mend my life....and that makes me sad today.
Peter is away working and when I have this alone time I find I reflect and I can't hide from my thoughts.
When I got home I felt like the four walls were closing in on me....suffocating me. So I quickly grabbed my coffee, camera and writing book and headed for the park...hoping for some comfort somewhere along the pavement. But there is no escape...where do you escape to? And the silence while sitting on the hard metal park bench was sobering and made me feel sorrier for myself.
I want my family back, I want to be like the other mother's I saw this morning, who have all their children, and their sisters and Mum...I want my life back to how it was...before!
I get tired of pretending to be a happy housewife some days.....I get sick of being a lifeboat when sometimes I feel like the person drowning......I want a hug from my Mum...is that too much to ask for?
And I want to pick up two children this afternoon, instead of one....and I wish I could ring Tarnia and ask her how she's feeling about my nephew starting University a few weeks ago. This impossible dream makes me cry today...and I can't help it. I've tried!
I wish a magic carpet would suddenly appear, hovering at my feet, waiting to whisk me away...just for a day, where I could invent a new story for myself....where I could pretend life is different....just different than what it is...........
So I sat on the park bench, pondering and crying, watching an amazing soaring hawk in the sky, it was peaceful.....and made me wonder if animals know grief??? I packed up my stuff, wiped my runny nose on my sleeve and wandered back to my reality.
Today, I'm not going to pretend to be brave, I lost something precious and its okay to have a day where I can soak up my tears and realize that.
I'm hoping Dempsey will be an enchanting force today. Reminding me that even though I can't heal my wound or fix that broken piece of my heart.....the magic band aid of Dempsey's love and tales of how she passed her divisions, or played jump rope and broke her PB........her innocence of real life, will make me appreciate my 'different' one....she will be my smile today!