The gift a box full of darkness brings....

One thing my journey through grief has taught me is to see the beauty in the world.

After last week, after Savannah’s anniversary, I’ve learnt hitting rock bottom…going to that basement of agony enhances the ecstasy and the bliss that life is full of…if you look for it…take it in, breathe it, live it….and most of all…enjoy it.

I’ve learned that if you travel to that pit, there’s only one place to go…and that’s to climb aboard the elevator of life and hit the up button….back to your starting point where you rebuild and embrace the life you have…and notice the good bits.

And when you can do that….you find clarity.

After a day of feeling flat after Savvy’s anniversary I decided to get out of the house and take Dempsey, my sister’s twins and their friend to an enchanting spot I’d heard about called “The Blue Pools”…it even sounds magical right? :)

A forty minute drive through thick dense Australian bush leads you down a twisty, almost one lane (scary) road to a clearing where you can park and wander down a dusty track to this piece of paradise….wow!

Like a swimming hole you read about in a book…the clear cold water is surrounded by walls of natural rock…with the blue sky as the back drop…rustic pebbles line the bottom of the pools. It took my breathe away!

And it’s times like this I wonder if I’d see this beauty without having travelled through grief…whether I’d take it for granted, or just not be able to appreciate how lucky I am to be able to recognize the value of something so beautiful…and free! :)

Watching the girls wade out and shriek at how cold the water was made me laugh….and Teddy bark! :)

I stood with my feet in the cool water, and contemplated, as I always do, how during challenges you can’t fight the process. Whether it’s a small problem or a large one…a trickle, a gush….or, a down pour!

When facing hard stuff, it’s like you’re paddling upstream against a strong current…but if you let go…and go with the flow and don’t fight…you find the current washes you back down stream to safety…..to start again…and that’s a beautiful thing!

I’ve learned being happy with who I am and accepting how my life is has a huge affect on facing any hard days. I know my grief will always follow me around like my shadow…and some days it will be like a giant in my life, over shadowing every piece of my being....

But other times it’s small and stunted and doesn’t eclipse my day….it moves into the shade and its not overpowering.

It can’t take the limelight away from enjoying the tiniest of moments…like taking these three tweens for ice cream…sitting and listening to their simple stories about the goings on in their lives….and seeing Dempsey smile…or seeing her laugh….or feeling her hand in mine. Those moments will forever outshine the bad bits…even if it tags along….it will never outshine my spirit or my love for life…

How privileged I am. :) x

Another Anniversary Bubby.... x

To all my beautiful family and friends who remembered our Angel today…Thank You…your loving support, flowers, gentle words and thoughts are more than any mother and friend could ever hope for. x

Today is your day Bubby…..

I woke up early this morning as the sun sliced through our bedroom blinds, pouring a steady stream of light onto my doona.

It’s difficult to see the sun this morning.

Outside my window I could hear the soft hum of our pool filter kick in…the sheep across our lake bleating for their breakfast and Teddy scratching at the laundry door to be let out….life goes on….and that’s the hard bit.

I lay in bed and sobbed until I couldn’t breathe….my pillow soaked from my tears.

Today is the one day every year I dread....it hurts.

Thinking of what you went through Bubby…of your pain, at your tiny body struggling to die…these memories will always make me cry today and make me so so sorry as your mummy that I couldn’t help you.

I hate today and all it represents….all the awful memories it holds.

I thought yesterday…maybe this year I’d be okay...but there are no rules!

But I can’t forget.

This morning I am sad.

I feel very alone in my grief.

This morning I’m transported back in time…..I have no one here to give me a hug, I can’t call my mum or go and visit her for the comfort and words I know she’d have to make me feel better.

Today I’m having a pity party…and that’s ok too.

I’m disappointed that Daddy chose yesterday to leave for the USA…knowing he knows today is your day….and that maybe I need him….

Today I’ll go to Poppies for a hug….but Poppie isn’t comfortable with being compassionate about today…he thinks “you have to get on with it” and “not think about it all”…and that its easy…but Poppie knows deep down its not easy….because I’ve seen the pain in his eyes when he lost his daughter too.

This morning I am sad.

The only thing that’s going to put some sunshine in my day today is a little girl who’s in her room a few walls away…who’s happy and healthy and alive.

I know Dempsey will throw her arms around my neck and squeeze me tight….and that will help.

And today I’ll take her somewhere special and do something fun that you couldn’t do Bubby…cos that’s all mummy can do to relieve my guilt and sadness that you aren’t in your room, tucked up safely sleeping…and I’ll never understand why…it makes no sense.



As each year passes, you get further away…fragments of your time with us disappear…and the new memories don’t come…and I think that’s the hardest bit about missing you.

You’re never far from my thoughts…I miss you and miss who you’d be today. But I’m grateful people will remember your sweet ways and do something they love today in your honor.

Today I’ll try and remember you as you were…beautiful and sweet and shy…with golden curls and a love for books…and your big blue eyes…always smiling Bubby…and I hope you think of Mummy like that too, smiling, and always grateful you were mine.

And I know tomorrow will be a new day….as it will be wherever you are…..

I’ll always carry you in my heart Bubby…no matter where you are….. x

Christmas Cheer and Facing Fears... x

Yesterday we finally took down our Christmas tree.

Its branches were crisp and dry, its needles dropping to the floor as Dempsey and I pulled one after another of the decorations from its dead branches….

And while we were doing this Demps piped up and said, “I wonder what we’ll be doing next year when we decorate the tree Mummy?”

My wise little ten year old made me contemplate this…and I thought to myself: Yes, I wonder what we’ll be doing…how much my baby will grow and change both in centimeters and spirit through different life experiences she’ll be exposed to?

What I’ll be doing...if I'll change?

What people will enter and leave our lives?

In a few days time it'll be our daughter Savannah's Anniversary...her passing also makes me contemplate fears and change...she taught me a lot about being brave!

My brother in law Tone, and my sister's twins and Fraser, minus Alexander!


Like our Christmas tree, life changes, brings new and exciting stuff each day…and of course the boring mundane chores like washing and cleaning, both of which I might add I’m enjoying in our new home…a new house seems to make it all worth it!



It seems the kids have evolved too…grown fins and prune fingers and turned into mermaids! :)

They’re loving our pool, and I’m loving watching them through the glass…watching the innocent fun these girls seem to find in a game of “Marco Polo!”

Our Christmas day is always different with so many chairs missing family members that should be here….especially our daughter Savannah...but we're all grateful to celebrate together and enjoy the day....

This year it was my dad missing..…he was too sick to enjoy devouring our turkey and traditional steaming plum pudding laced with coins…even though I sent a plate to him…..the kids didn’t seem affected that Poppie wasn’t here which was great…



I contemplated what our table would be like without his comforting presence if his vacant chair was permanent. I missed my dad this year, really missed him more than I thought.

But he’s on the mend, only yesterday, finally being diagnosed with whooping cough…who would’ve thought??

But whooping cough is fixable…and curable, so I know he’ll be back around our family T in no time!   And that makes me a very happy camper!!

Christmas night, Peter pulled out all stops, opening Santa’s sack and enlightening the kids night with glow sticks, masks, crackers and candy!

I sat back and watched, smiling at how lucky I am to be able to witness these kids still enjoying the simple joy a piece of plastic with glowing jelly inside can bring!

Its Summer in Oz and we’ve had a few hot days…so as a family, we decided to hit the beach.

The only hang up I had about driving the twenty minutes to one of natures wonders, is that to get there you have to drive along the road that my sister Tarnia was killed on.  And I thought I’d be okay about that!

I haven’t been on this remote wooded road for years….and in a profound awkward way I discovered a basic black strip of concrete, that hundreds of people travel on every week, still does my head in!!

I know by now to pick my battles with the grief vampires!  How they can sometimes suck the life out of you…change your mood and take away your breath in a second.

And as silly as that may sound to some, I’ve decided to take the easy way out next time and just not go!

I think it’s easier than facing some of my demons of going over and over what my sister would’ve been doing while she was driving down that narrow pretty piece of road…what she was thinking…what her children went through, and of course having to face all those dark shadowed memories of the days after her death.

However, all that aside, it was finally worth it when we got there…after I’d managed to hold my breath for most of the drive down that road! 


We had fish and chips on a wonky wooden picnic bench…the endearing sight of a famous beach side grotty BBQ that you’d only see in Australia made me smile.......

…and of course the sight of the Aussie flag always makes me feel sentimental and reminds me I’m home and safe!

Then to stumble down a tiny track leading to the ocean…with the sound of the waves crashing in the foreground and hot sand stuck in my flip flops reminded me to be grateful….Teddy was grateful and as eager as Dempsey to get there too…his first time at the ocean!

Trying to get a good photo of my baby was also a challenge…not as bad as the drive, but still a test with Teddy trying to hog the lens......

…Demps and I are still giggling at this shot! :)

So after a day of sun, surf and anxiety :), it was worth it....to get out of the house and spend a day in the fresh air, surrounded by Mother Natures medicine!

However, she didn’t manage to cure my uneasiness or fears of that road….even the ice cream I gorged on driving home didn’t fix my obsession of the ‘what if’s’ as I spent the whole trip home on the edge of my seat…focused on the side of the road....searching out the window for a white cross camouflaged in the bush land, that marked the spot where my sister took her last breath.


And you know what, we’re all different, and I wonder..maybe this year I'll grow more too and change and not let things feed my fears….but sometimes....that’s just the way it has to be...for now...and I’ve realized that’s ok too…………. x

And So This Is Christmas......

It’s a strange time of year to be blogging I know...the night before Santa arrives…a night when I have so many things I should be doing, like wrapping those few straggler presents…emailing people back…and cleaning up my dinner dishes….but I feel like writing, so I thought I’d put fingers on the keyboards.


I’ve so many emotions swirling around this week…this time of year…especially with all that’s happened in Sandy Hook, with the tragic shootings. I can’t even begin to imagine what the families who’ve lost loved ones are going through tonight. It truly rips at my heart…..

The absolute endless sadness and longing I know they must be going through and of course the unanswered questions as to ‘Why?’ My heart goes out to all of those grieving who must be in the clutches of the worst grief has to offer. Tomorrow, I’ll spend time while enjoying my Christmas with quiet thoughts of them.

                  This was today over our home...I like to think it's Heaven reaching down to us..


My mood has been affected a lot by the tragic events in the USA, also because my precious Dad has been in hospital with breathing difficulties and it seems he’s not Superman as I thought he always was. And this is playing deep in my psyche too. I’m not ready yet to lose him too.

Lately, I’ve been surrounded by love and invitations to many social, joyful “Christmassy” outings that have stirred up the evil twin in me that yearns for Savannah and all my loved ones around this time of year. I listen to people complaining about trivial shit and over indulgent children and how many presents their kids are getting this year…when what I want Santa to bring me will never be…but you can’t mention that reality cos it’s not politically correct…so I stay silent…but sometimes it eats me up like some vile virus...

Our beautiful Angel....


On a more positive note, which I prefer….last week, I had the privilege of taking my beautiful twin nieces shopping…for their first ever bra! A right of passage for us girls, something soooo important as a teenager…and one I still vividly remember experiencing with my mum. The embarrassment....and excitement mixed in together as a stranger fits you in a pretty pink piece of satin.

And as I stood outside the change rooms, while Emerald and Charlotte tried on trendy size A bra’s… sticking their heads through the maroon curtain with giggles and questions…. I thought a lot about my sister Tarnia…how sad it is that she isn’t here to enjoy this moment…also, how I have this honor with my nieces that I didn’t have with my own daughter Savannah…AND how these moments are what counts…being there for the ones that need us, being present and loving with all that we have….

I can’t change my circumstances….but I can be grateful that I’ve had this pleasure with Emerald and Charlotte…a once in a lifetime thing for us girlies…and it was…. and I thank their Dad for allowing me that!

We’ve had warm balmy days here lately…ones where the cicadas chirp in tune with the frogs in our lake…where the breeze on our back deck is like nights I remember as a kid. Where strangers in shops are tired but happy…who are all on the same mission as us…to spread love and spend time with those precious to them….that’s what Christmas is to me these days…..

The kids have been making great use of our new pool…the giggles and happiness I hear coming out of this fiberglass pit filled with water is music to my soul…even if they are loud…they are alive and full of innocent delight…and this stuff fuels my soul.

So tomorrow is Christmas…just now, I sat with my elbows resting on our kitchen bench asking Dempsey what she thinks Christmas is all about.

And as she stuffed a few more kernel’s of popcorn into her mouth…through her warbled words…this was her take….out of the mouth of my ten year old babe…maybe some of what I tell her does get through…..her words…my Christmas present this year…what more could a Mama hope for…

“I think Christmas is about being grateful that I’m here and being joyful and spreading joy and all that and yeah, its not about all the presents I get, even though I love getting presents, its about being thankful and happy because this could be your last Christmas....”

And…..”So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young”


To all those that have been touched by the Sandy Hook tragedy…tomorrow my candle will be burning brightly with you in mind…in hope that you get through your Christmas day the best way you can. X

Through Mum's and my looking glass... x

I think time literally flies here in Australia!   Well, it has since I’ve last blogged!!!! :)

Lately I feel like I’m straight out of the pages of Alice in Wonderland…like the white rabbit.......rushing around with a clock around my neck…aware that time is passing by so quickly, however, not seeming to be able to slow down….

But this afternoon I’ve stopped the clock…come inside from being outside weeding to write.

You see Wednesday was my beautiful mum’s anniversary!

And I only had but a few tears….and then a big breathe in and a smile for my mum who isn’t here.

I’ve come a long way from those first few Anniversaries, where the hurt was fresh like a new wound and the realization that death is final…that we never get to see, hear, smell or touch those that are gone ever again.

And you think it’s unimaginable, a snowballs chance in hell, that the pain will lessen…but it’s only impossible if you believe it is!

Time like grief teaches us a lot of things…like to appreciate the little moments with your kids, they go from bibbed babes to tweens in a heartbeat it seems.

Time teaches us to tell those we love, just how much, and why they are special to us as we never know when we’ll see those close to our hearts again.

It teaches us that instead of regret we should rejoice and through grief we discover time doesn’t really heal…it just allows us a continuous current of days to learn to live with our losses.

Time has also made me realize I’m not the same girl I was…I think I’m a better version of my old self, because of the wisdom I’ve learnt on my journey!

We can’t go back, we can only go forward in hope of taking what we’ve learnt and stowing it away and using that knowledge to live life to the fullest.   I know that’s what my Mum would want from me as her daughter…she was a great philosopher about time and enjoying every single day!

This is the last photo I have of Mum…my rock!

She’d actually be mortified if she knew I’d put it on my blog. But I wanted to share her amazing spirit I think I’ve captured in this picture.

It was taken only a few months before she died….Dempsey is the little bub snuggled up on her chest. And even though we knew when this was taken that Mum only had weeks to live, she’s still smiling…with her magical spark in her eyes.

A few weeks ago, I had one of my readers emailed me and ask how I prepared for the death of my daughter….as she is facing the same heartbreaking fate in the future days.....

She wanted to know how I survived?

I wrote her a long email…and I shared that one of the ways is through the wisdom my Mum instilled inside my soul.

So on my mother Beverley’s special day, I’d like to share, in her words, some of my tools that have helped me overcome and enjoy, like she did……..

“Focus on the good in everything…the positive instead of the negative….you’ll always find it.”

“Don’t worry over things you can’t change, they have a way of sorting themselves out.”

"Always be Yourself!"

“Always wear a smile, it’s the best accessory.”

“Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going…things always get better.”

“Take a moment every morning to see the beauty outside your window.”

“You can do anything you put your mind to!”

“Be happy with what you have, there’s always someone worse off.”

“Don’t leave the house without lipstick on….looking good = feeling good.” – Mums choice was always apricot! :)

“Go look at yourself in the mirror Darling and smile…you are beautiful you!”

“Champagne should always be shared with a friend in a crystal glass!”

“Be aware of the treasures in a normal day.”

“Attitude drives destiny.”

These are just a few I reflect on when I’m having a Debbie Downer day…one of my sayings I tell myself is that “Tomorrow is a new day!”

My beautiful Mum helped mold and shape who I am today…she made me strong and wise and gave me tools to be happy and to never lose my sense of amazement and surprise of just how magical being alive is….even on those hard days.

So now it’s my responsibility to share and guide Dempsey with what I know…and I do…I wish she forever sees the wonder in the world and finds things that feed her spirit.

So today, I’ve found something to feed my essence…a gorgeous wall of happiness I’ve created in our new kid’s rumpus room…timeless works of art from my two babies…forever captured on canvas.

But I’m really not Alice in Wonderland :).....I won’t wake and realize everything that’s happened in my life has been a dream.....but I can take what I’ve learnt from my adored Mum and my journey so far…I own that…it’s mine to keep!

And in the event a rabbit hole ever appears…I’ll be all more the careful...and wiser! :)

The Rainbow Connection...For my sister Tarnia x

                                          PUSH PLAY WHILE YOU READ....
                                                    


Sisters are pretty special.

I only have one.

Today is the anniversary of her death.

Today, I sat outside in the sunshine for five minutes and watched these magnificent pelicans on our lake, in awe…………

And I find on my sister's special day, I always reflect on life…on it’s beauty and cruelty…at the things that its capable of.

I also entertain the idea of her still being here….

                    Nice hairdos! :)

Of how everything would be different if she was!

How she’d be sharing a chilled glass of wine with me, clinking our crystal goblets…how we’d reminisce about growing up in a country town.

How we’d be sharing our kids achievements and I’d be asking her advice on my challenges. And how’d we never, ever, ever, argue again! :) (I do like to romanticize things….)

But the reality is, that’s never going to be….and sometimes wishing for impossible dreams can be detrimental to the soul.


So instead of pining for things to be different and allowing that yearning to change my mood to melancholy, I ‘try’ to look at the bits that are possible…like hugging her kids and being a support to her husband Tone….these things aren’t pipe dreams or pots at the end of a rainbow….they are real and achievable dreams. And that's what I try to focus on….I have to…..

Like the reflection and light in my life...they say, a rainbow is a result of the reflection and refraction of light by water droplets…..

A few days ago, from our half finished driveway, I relished in the privilege of watching our overcast grey sky transform itself into a magical band of brilliant colors.

It’s like Mother Nature rolled out it’s red carpet for me…to remind me that the pot of gold is right at my door already…it’s in the beauty and allure of gifts that I see and get to experience everyday…if I take the time….

That the cloudy skies of life don’t always last and that people and things help jog my consciousness of that!

Last week, my sister’s daughter Charlotte also reminded me not dismiss the messages and rewards in the everyday somewhat dull stuff…like dropping her off at her Band practice on a Tuesday afternoon.

You see every week, Charlotte goes to her rehearsal at the tiny Band Hall here….and you are probably thinking, “What’s the significance??”

Well, this insignificant building is where we held the Wake for Tarnia after her funeral…where baby Charlotte of six months slept soundly in a bunny rug next to her sister….as all of us contemplated and reflected on how we’d go on after the tragedy of losing my sister…
              
And as I threw the car in reverse and watched my sister’s daughter, smiling and waving enthusiastically....happily hurrying into her band practice, the irony struck me....

                   Savannah, Emerald and Charlotte 2 weeks before my sisters accident


The power of the human spirit to overcome also seeped deep into my mind….

We do survive, and we do find rainbows, even if they aren’t plastered across the sky in all their glory…they’re in the small stuff…in the human condition of fortitude and resilience and courage…and they are miracles.

Tonight, I had dinner with Tone, my sister’s husband…all four of her children…who Tone took to the cemetery today to visit their mother. They left jasmine and I’m sure a few tears….and I reflected on that too…

The girls are here with me tonight…having a sleep over….making Dempsey laugh, and sneaking into the lounge to sit on the side of my sofa and give me a hug....as I’m typing this....

I told them tonight as I tucked them into bed and squeezed them tight that their Mummy would be so proud of them...how they are a reflection and refraction of her…. :)

And to add to my day today….of reflecting about the joys and heartaches…my precious one Dempsey tells me she’s singing in the school choir tomorrow…for the first time…the song…”The Rainbow Connection.” :-)

“There’s lovers…and dreamers…and me……..”

Tarnia, Mum and Fraser.... x