Sunday, January 13, 2013

Another Anniversary Bubby.... x

To all my beautiful family and friends who remembered our Angel today…Thank You…your loving support, flowers, gentle words and thoughts are more than any mother and friend could ever hope for. x

Today is your day Bubby…..

I woke up early this morning as the sun sliced through our bedroom blinds, pouring a steady stream of light onto my doona.

It’s difficult to see the sun this morning.

Outside my window I could hear the soft hum of our pool filter kick in…the sheep across our lake bleating for their breakfast and Teddy scratching at the laundry door to be let out….life goes on….and that’s the hard bit.

I lay in bed and sobbed until I couldn’t breathe….my pillow soaked from my tears.

Today is the one day every year I hurts.

Thinking of what you went through Bubby…of your pain, at your tiny body struggling to die…these memories will always make me cry today and make me so so sorry as your mummy that I couldn’t help you.

I hate today and all it represents….all the awful memories it holds.

I thought yesterday…maybe this year I’d be okay...but there are no rules!

But I can’t forget.

This morning I am sad.

I feel very alone in my grief.

This morning I’m transported back in time…..I have no one here to give me a hug, I can’t call my mum or go and visit her for the comfort and words I know she’d have to make me feel better.

Today I’m having a pity party…and that’s ok too.

I’m disappointed that Daddy chose yesterday to leave for the USA…knowing he knows today is your day….and that maybe I need him….

Today I’ll go to Poppies for a hug….but Poppie isn’t comfortable with being compassionate about today…he thinks “you have to get on with it” and “not think about it all”…and that its easy…but Poppie knows deep down its not easy….because I’ve seen the pain in his eyes when he lost his daughter too.

This morning I am sad.

The only thing that’s going to put some sunshine in my day today is a little girl who’s in her room a few walls away…who’s happy and healthy and alive.

I know Dempsey will throw her arms around my neck and squeeze me tight….and that will help.

And today I’ll take her somewhere special and do something fun that you couldn’t do Bubby…cos that’s all mummy can do to relieve my guilt and sadness that you aren’t in your room, tucked up safely sleeping…and I’ll never understand why…it makes no sense.

As each year passes, you get further away…fragments of your time with us disappear…and the new memories don’t come…and I think that’s the hardest bit about missing you.

You’re never far from my thoughts…I miss you and miss who you’d be today. But I’m grateful people will remember your sweet ways and do something they love today in your honor.

Today I’ll try and remember you as you were…beautiful and sweet and shy…with golden curls and a love for books…and your big blue eyes…always smiling Bubby…and I hope you think of Mummy like that too, smiling, and always grateful you were mine.

And I know tomorrow will be a new day….as it will be wherever you are…..

I’ll always carry you in my heart Bubby…no matter where you are….. x


  1. Oh Diana. Thank you for sharing that and keeping Bubby alive in all of our imaginations. What a perfectly natural response you had to this anniversary.

    Please know that you are not alone. I send you the biggest hugs from Canada xoxo

  2. Thinking of you & your family & especially little Savannah. (((hugs)))

  3. I'll light a candle tonight for your Bubby. I'll think about how much she was (and still is) loved and how she will always be missed. It certainly isn't fair at all, she should still be here.
    --Graham's Mom

  4. Erin,

    Thank you for your prayers...much appreciated and heartfelt. I'm feeling much better today.

    Thank you!
    diana x

  5. Dearest Louise,

    Thank you for stopping by and for your love and hugs from Canada! Your comment made me cry.

    Special days are always tough...this year felt tougher...maybe because I wasn't in the USA and in the house where Savannah passed I said, there's no rules in how we feel somedays.

    I'm feeling more like myself today...appreciate so much your love
    diana x

  6. Thank you Loribeth,

    Hugs are my favorite. Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to think of our angel.
    diana x

  7. Jennifer,

    Thank you for lighting a flame for Savannah. My mother in law gave me a beautiful candle holder for xmas that is white with butterflies on it. I like to light it and think Savvy's spirit isnt far away.

    I know you understand how some days are hard. My new year started yesterday.

    Sending you a huge thank you hug.
    diana x

  8. It's hard to find the right words after reading such a touching letter like this. Sav was so lucky to have you as her mum, just as you were to have her as your babe. I'm so sorry she is not here with you today. I can't imagine how devastating that would be, especially on days like today. I am always amazed at your optimism and positive attitude, so yes, you are definitely entitled to a "pity-party" now and again. I hope Dempsey gave you those big hugs you were hoping for. x

  9. Lovely Candice!

    Thanks for your comforting always know how to inspire me to keep writing with your thanks!

    Dempsey will always be my shining light and gave me lots of love Monday...I took her to our local park and watched her run around with our dog, which always makes me smile Candice.

    I did pop over and check out your xmas photos a few weeks back...Graham looked so happy and little Macy is like a walking doll...just like her Mama!!!

    thanks as always for your support...sending love from Aus Candice!!!!
    diana x