To all my beautiful family and friends who remembered our Angel today…Thank You…your loving support, flowers, gentle words and thoughts are more than any mother and friend could ever hope for. x
Today is your day Bubby…..
I woke up early this morning as the sun sliced through our bedroom blinds, pouring a steady stream of light onto my doona.
It’s difficult to see the sun this morning.
Outside my window I could hear the soft hum of our pool filter kick in…the sheep across our lake bleating for their breakfast and Teddy scratching at the laundry door to be let out….life goes on….and that’s the hard bit.
I lay in bed and sobbed until I couldn’t breathe….my pillow soaked from my tears.
Today is the one day every year I dread....it hurts.
Thinking of what you went through Bubby…of your pain, at your tiny body struggling to die…these memories will always make me cry today and make me so so sorry as your mummy that I couldn’t help you.
I hate today and all it represents….all the awful memories it holds.
I thought yesterday…maybe this year I’d be okay...but there are no rules!
But I can’t forget.
This morning I am sad.
I feel very alone in my grief.
This morning I’m transported back in time…..I have no one here to give me a hug, I can’t call my mum or go and visit her for the comfort and words I know she’d have to make me feel better.
Today I’m having a pity party…and that’s ok too.
I’m disappointed that Daddy chose yesterday to leave for the USA…knowing he knows today is your day….and that maybe I need him….
Today I’ll go to Poppies for a hug….but Poppie isn’t comfortable with being compassionate about today…he thinks “you have to get on with it” and “not think about it all”…and that its easy…but Poppie knows deep down its not easy….because I’ve seen the pain in his eyes when he lost his daughter too.
This morning I am sad.
The only thing that’s going to put some sunshine in my day today is a little girl who’s in her room a few walls away…who’s happy and healthy and alive.
I know Dempsey will throw her arms around my neck and squeeze me tight….and that will help.
And today I’ll take her somewhere special and do something fun that you couldn’t do Bubby…cos that’s all mummy can do to relieve my guilt and sadness that you aren’t in your room, tucked up safely sleeping…and I’ll never understand why…it makes no sense.
As each year passes, you get further away…fragments of your time with us disappear…and the new memories don’t come…and I think that’s the hardest bit about missing you.
You’re never far from my thoughts…I miss you and miss who you’d be today. But I’m grateful people will remember your sweet ways and do something they love today in your honor.
Today I’ll try and remember you as you were…beautiful and sweet and shy…with golden curls and a love for books…and your big blue eyes…always smiling Bubby…and I hope you think of Mummy like that too, smiling, and always grateful you were mine.
And I know tomorrow will be a new day….as it will be wherever you are…..
I’ll always carry you in my heart Bubby…no matter where you are….. x