Words from my Mum from the other side??? x

I can’t believe how long its been since I last wrote…wow..time has moved forward quickly…as it does these days. And I don’t have a reason for not writing, other than being home = being busy with ‘stuff’…life stuff...and it feels great!

Time with my family, precious time…and of course I feel like I’ve reverted back to motherhood with our new puppy Teddy, who almost takes up as much time as a baby.

Needless to say, he’s meant to be Dempsey’s pup but somehow manages to follow me around the house and find my warm lap at the end of the day next to the fire….and truth be told, I’m loving that too….. :)

Peter is back in the USA for a few weeks, and while he’s gone I made a promise to myself to sort through our wardrobes that are stuffed full of plastic bags of my Mum’s old‘stuff’.

And I’ve been putting off this process because I know it’s like opening Pandora’s box…a box brimming with assorted emotions that bring out an ache that she’s no longer here.   But I’ve been feeling pretty brave lately, so I sat on the carpet and started to explore what exactly Mum had kept in some of those bags.

                       The plastic envelope I found in mum's purse..


The first thing I pulled out was a plastic pocket that Mum had tucked inside her purse.

I gently pulled out the dog eared contents, gazing at each one, feasting on what my mother cherished enough to carry around with her everyday.

The first thing I studied was a photo of me at my first day of pre-school.

The photo is creased and the edges are torn, but I couldn’t help but smile that Mum had carried this snap shot with her everyday, from eon’s ago.

I looked carefully at the photo of me, at my tiny five year old self, at my innocence and smiley spirit captured in this old pic and thought about what life has dealt out to me…and also how our destiny is so undecided and how none of us know what’s in store for us tomorrow…who would’ve thought this happy little girl would lose her first child….and also learn so much about life through the process of doing so?

Mum also kept this little card with a saying about women on it called ‘Je Suis,’

I remember sitting on our caramel shag pile carpet when I was little, gluing it to cardboard for my Mum, then sticking layer upon layer of durex tape on the top to preserve it for Mum as it reminded me of her…..I’d done this way back in 1981.

Who knew the words that I so carefully cut out of a magazine would be so fitting for my life now….

Mum had also carried this prayer inside the plastic sleeve, given to her by a girlfriend Carmel.

There’s no date on the back so I don’t know why Mum carried this with her….but for me, reading this prayer spoke in Mum's voice and seemed like it was meant to be for me….now.  It does make me wonder….

For some reason, Mum included the above poem called "Just for a time." by Maya Angelou with her treasures….I considered why....and who it might’ve been for?

It seems to be written about a lost love, however, yet again, I could see the significance in particular to my life now of how,.....‘Just for a time’…

But I’ll never know why she kept this so close to her heart…she’s no longer here to ask…and its times like these that I wish she was……..

     My beautiful Dad..........

The last thing I found, ragged and yellowed, was this photo of my special Dad….wow, how handsome he was!

I know from the date on the back, it was taken the first year they started dating.

I hugged the picture of dad and thanked my mum for this little parcel left for someone to find…someone like me, her daughter, who will treasure all its contents.

                      Dad and me :)


Which brings me to my dear Dad….in Australia, Father’s Day is in September.

I invited Dad and his wife Brenda, Tone and my nephew and nieces over for a traditional roast lamb lunch.

Sitting around our table, I realized this is what life is all about…being around family and love and people who make you feel good. That you can give back in ways that don’t involve money….just time and an afternoon of togetherness.

After lunch we congregated around our new pool as Tone brushed the walls, the kids talked excitedly about the Summer that isn’t too far away….while yelling at Poppie to be careful not to fall in!!! :)

At the end of the day, Dad pulled out a present for me….a key ring with my name on it.

My Dad is pretty humble, very low key, and doesn’t get very emotional.

He put this key ring in my hand and said, "You don't have to use it but that the words describe you perfectly I thought."  

I like the 'shines best at night' bit....mornings aren't my forte! :)

Dad didn’t need to say anymore….I was so very touched that he’d bought this for me, my eyes teared up and my voice cracked as I thanked him and told him how much I love him and how lucky I am to have him.

So today is my sister’s second son Fraser’s 17th birthday…Fraser Kenneth, he has Dad’s name! :)

I’m off to take him out to lunch and wrap my love around him for my sister who isn’t here.  I love him to bits….

And my Mum’s plastic pouch….I’ve tucked it away in my wallet…I think I’ll start one of my own that maybe, just maybe, Dempsey can find one day that will be appropriate for her life and bring her comfort as finding my Mum’s priceless treasure did for me……

Cheers x

Seeing the good stuff and the glass half full! x

You never forget where you were or what you were doing when someone you love dies……when life as you knew it changed and there is no going back to your ‘old’ life.

When my only sister Tarnia was killed, it was during the Olympic Games in Sydney.

    My sister Tarnia and me...

So for me, I always associate the Olympics with her death.

And even though watching the amazing driven athletes strive to reach their goals does interest me, its always tainted by my memories of what we were doing and where we were at…and how life turned from one of carefree days into weeks of endless sadness.   And questions of why, and watching my family suffer, at a time when most of the country was overcome with excitement, in awe of the athletic world.

So for me, the Olympics will always be tarnished…a bit like a bronze medal!

In the morning when I’m in the shower, I tune the radio in to ABC Australia and listen to the latest news from around our country.

This morning it was all about the closing ceremony for the London Olympics and how the Olympic flame has been extinguished.  The radio announcer talked about how it would be reignited again in 4 years in Brazil.

And as I washed the shampoo out of my hair, I contemplated, as I always do…”I wonder where I’ll be in 4 years when the next Olympics is on?”

It’s this habit I have, of procrastinating about the future and it makes me feel vulnerable…the wondering…and the realization that anything is possible…life, death, change…..

It’s a constant battle of striving to focus on each day instead of looking too far ahead.  And it takes work to center my thoughts on the present, but if I do, I find I appreciate the little things in the here and now….like…..Dempsey in her new school uniform! :)

Seeing my baby looking like such a little lady just fills me with pride and makes me pinch myself at how lucky I am to enjoy such special moments!

And to add to the ‘newness’ going on in our humble abode that fills my blue cup with sunshine is………TEDDY! The new addition to our family…who Dempsey named with seconds!! :)

Teddy looks like a toy. He’s just the cutest little puppy I’ve ever laid eyes on…with the sweetest nature…even if his bottom is leaking all over the house at the moment!!! :)

Even Peter is under his spell….although he doesn’t like to admit it!!! :)

There really is nothing like a puppy to bring out the best in us human beings. The smiles and laughter Teddy has brought into our house in the past week has been like therapy.

Dempsey is besotted with her new little mate. And my sister’s twins Emerald and Charlotte are loving him too.

It makes me smile to stand at our window and watch Demps and the twins run down our hill with Teddy in tow, laughing and enjoying themselves with not a care in the world.

I’m learning from these girls, my nieces Emerald and Charlotte…they are an inspiration.   Their happiness, positive attitude….their spirit that shines through with enthusiasm and vivacity is refreshing. Their resilience to what life has dealt them floors me sometimes.

They don’t have their mum around…they have no idea what a Mum is.

What it’s like to have had their mother molly coddle them, hug them, sit with them like I do Demps and talk about their day….they do have their Dad, who does an amazing job…but there’s no-one like a mother!

But they don’t seem affected…..they are walking talking evidence of how we can and do survive any tragedy or challenge we are faced with.

The example these 12 year olds set for me, demonstrates how the human spirit can persevere and carry on through life and be happy, no matter what our circumstances, or what we’ve suffered. I always get a lesson out of being utterly ‘happy’ with what I have when I’m around them.

Sunday night we went for our usual Sunday drinks with Tone. And as us adults were sitting enjoying a red wine…Emerald appeared and asked her Dad if she should start dinner?

Here was my gorgeous niece, who at 12, was prepared to cook spaghetti bol for the whole family!

And as I watched Emmy wander back inside the house, I thought of how proud Tarnia would be!  How absolutely amazing it is that these girls seem to have their mums love of cooking…I quietly smiled to myself and wished Tarnia was here to enjoy these little moments that I have the privilege of enjoying.

Yes, having them around our home and in Dempsey’s life is a gift.

The gift of appreciating and being strong and of seeing the ‘good stuff’ in life...that the glass can be half full if you work at it....even if you are dealt some ‘bad stuff.’

And I guess that’s one of the gifts that grief gives us over time…that knowledge…and knowledge is power in my book.  It helps me put one foot in front of the other if I’m having a bad day…and on the good days….makes me want to dance……… :)

New Beginnings x

I love the above quote, a line out of a Tim McGraw song…it sums up how I felt when I left the USA last week.

It’s true, we all take different paths in life, and no matter where we go, we take a little bit of each other everywhere!

We left LA last week and as the giant jumbo jet shook and its engines roared as we took off from LAX, I got emotional, a few tears rolled down my face. 

Dempsey stared out the window at the twinkling lights of LA like a fairyland until we were surrounded by the black abyss of the ocean… “Los Angeles is gone Mummy, I can’t see it anymore!” She said!

It was just a tad hard to leave the only home I’ve known for the past twelve years…to leave the house with so many unforgettable times.

The only real house Dempsey has known, from a baby of six months old.   The carpeted stairs that Dempsey took her first steps up…the four walls of our lounge room that soaked up our sadness, watching our daughter die… and our back T, a simple plastic table that holds so much laughter and love from different friends and happy hours on a Friday night. 

But I’ll take a little bit of that and those people everywhere with me now....and thats the beauty of memories.... :)

My friend Mary and me

It felt weird to turn the corner in our street, knowing I won’t be back…leaving all that behind.   But Peter will be home Saturday, and I know I’ll see our friends again one day….

Life is meant to change, no matter how hard we resist it, or fear it, we have to take a big breathe and embrace it!

It’s what propels us forward and creates direction and forces us to reassess what we want…it helps us focus on the important things like family and friends and love…the things that hopefully never change.

Change forces us to try new things and be open to new friends and new experiences…and I’m ready…raring to go…to see where this path leads, bumpy OR smooth! :)

We are home!

Back in Australia!

And it feels like a warm hug, like my blue cup is brimming with sunshine…even if we have been thrust into the midst of winter here and the fog is dense in the morning over the lake surrounding our house. Nothing could dim my spirit!

                   My friend Andrea at another goodbye send off

The week before we left California was full…and when I say full I mean frantic…but fun, filled with overwhelming love from my friends I was saying goodbye to…and watching my baby say teary goodbyes to her little girlfriends who have been a big part of molding my precious one into who she has become tugged at my heart.

I told Dempsey not to be sad…that she’ll see them again….and I had to remember my words as I too hugged and told my girlfriends…”I hate goodbyes, so I’ll just say, see you when I see you...so kiss me and smile for me, cos I’m leaving on a jet plane…don’t know when I’ll be back again…” :)

My beautiful birthday girl...and yes that dog is real...he almost looks like a toy! :)

We had Dempsey’s 10th birthday party…with puppies and pretty little tweens who are like sisters to my baby. When I tucked her into bed she told me, "Thank you for my party...it was the best party yet Mummy!"

I managed one more magical catch up with my friend Rose.

She came to our house this time…in all her glory, with gifts and an artist’s sketchpad and a bag of colorful paints.  You see Rose has a special hobby, where she paints peoples feet, then stamps them in a book.  Then you write a message beside your print.

Dempsey was a fit of giggles as Rose dabbed colorful paint on her pinkies…needless to say, her Mama wasn’t much better! :)

 And after we’d stepped on a blank page, Rose washed our feet and said a prayer. I felt like I was being baptized all over again…it felt cleansing!

Rose’s book was filled with footprints from all over the world, many from Ground Zero where Rose volunteered, from strangers…and…Fire Fighters. I felt privileged reading some of the poignant writings on the pages.

                  Rose's artistic hoof! :)

I miss Rose already......but the world really is a small place with the internet…and I’ll certainly take a small piece of Rose with me now.....and smile when I think of her.

So our new life starts here, back in the sun burnt country, the land of meat pies and mates and crisp country air….and my dad and my brother and Tone.....and my sisters kids...who all squeezed me so hard I think they bruised a few ribs…but that all adds to the magic and feeds my soul with Happy with a capital H…instead of the sad stuff! :)

I know I don’t have any control over my destiny, nobody does…what we think and hope and what ‘is’ are all relevant, however life surprises us sometimes with what the universe thinks we can cope with, or need or points us in the direction of where we need to be…

The important thing to remember is I do have choices in my attitude and choosing to be happy and making every day count, for Dempsey’s sake, and my own.

So I hope I can blog more now I’m home about our adventures Down Under..our new chapter...and carry what I learnt and the love from those who’s lives I was lucky enough to brush with no matter how big or small a meeting....as this wonderful big ball of life rolls on….

Cheers! x :)

Steered by love and memories...our inner compass. x

Everyone has a compass, a mechanism inside us that steers us and guides us through life…that leads us to where we think we should be…or where we want to be.

We all have the ability to change each others inner compass, or moods, from one of sadness into one of happiness…or to evoke feelings or transport us back in time through buried memories.

We have the power to make people laugh…and sometimes cry…to be encouraging….or to stub out a dream. It’s all about choice and choosing how we want to set our inner compass to determine what direction we want our lives to go in.

I had an emotional week last week.

Different days brought assorted emotions…happy, sad, awake, alive, grateful, truths and turmoil…but above all love and a clear sense that we are all connected and have the power to influence each others existence.

On Tuesday, my sister Tarnia’s first born, Alexander was here in the States from Australia. And I was so very grateful he chose to spend the last leg of his world tour with his Aunty D.

Alexander and me Friday night! :)

His plane was delayed a couple of hours…so it was almost midnight when he appeared on the escalators at the airport….tired but smiling…and with the biggest, squeeziest hug I’ve had in a while. :)

As tall as me now, with a mop of dark chocolate hair, like my sister…and with her eyes……

The emotions of pride and love was overwhelming....maybe not for him, a twenty year old, with a towering worn back pack and his earphones hanging down his shirt.   But for me, seeing him is always like a slice of my sister…and all the emotions that come with her not being here. Also, how absolutely proud she’d be of him…if she was here!   I love him like he’s mine.

My beautiful mum with Emerald and Charlotte...my sisters twins

Then on Friday, it was my beautiful Mum’s birthday…her special day stirs up emotions of longing…of how much I miss her.   But it also reminds me to celebrate life and love and to enjoy every single day…like she did.   She’d be disappointed if it were any other way!

I think, a lot of how I live my life now is because of the confidence she instilled in me as a child and her wisdom about accepting, that sometimes life isn’t fair…but how we must make the most of every day, as life and how we choose to live it, like a compass, determines our path in finding direction to who we want to become or where we want be.

My special friend Hannah, who shared a memorable champagne lunch at the Beverly Hills Hotel with my mum Beverley, sent me this message on Friday;

“Remembering your Mum, the lovely Beverly, on her birthday. Thank you for sharing her with me. Especially the lessons she taught you. I look in the mirror and smile and am trying to put some lipstick on before I leave the house! I love you, a big hug to you as I know you would want to hear her voice today...perhaps you are hearing her through others. Love you more my darling Diana.”

Friday night at our regular Happy Hour, we always toast someone, so we clinked our glasses in Mum’s honor, me with a smile at how thrilled mum would be we were enjoying every moment we're gifted with...

And when everyone left, Alexander and I sat out under the stars by candlelight and had an intimate chat, too intimate to even write about here...about his Mum, my sister…and life before and after her accident. And I know if Tarnia was listening she’d be pleased that we’d had that private time together, bonding over red wine and old memories.

On Sunday, I took Alexander on a tour of Los Angeles….searching for Venice Beach. Our cars compass…our GPS with the Aussie accent, ended us almost up in Dodger Stadium…which added to the laughs of the day!

At Venice Beach, we ratted through T-shirt shops and mingled with the madness. Alexander so amused by all the different characters you see only on the board walk of Venice Beach.

Dempsey took a dip in the ocean while we sat on the warm sand and chatted about life.  And I’ve discovered my beautiful nephew is far wiser than his years and taught this old Aunt a few things about life from generation Y’s point of view! :)

Sunday night, I waved goodbye to him in the Super Shuttle til it turned the corner in my street…blowing kisses…grateful for the time I got to spend with my sisters oldest son.   But I wasn’t sad, cos I’ll be seeing him again in a few weeks when I return to Australia…my compass set on getting back over the pond.

I’m scared about leaving the USA and not knowing what’s in the next episode of my life…like sands through the hour glass…but it’s also exciting…the not knowing…and that’s the beauty of life….every day offers up something new..if we allow it to.

My inner compass no doubt will lead me where I need to be, and I have to trust the Universe is unraveling just the way it’s meant to.

                    Demps with Rose's grandchildren at the park
Today, I met Rose for the last time…for now. :)

It’s like someone has cloned my mum…and it was hard to say goodbye.  Me, blubbering like a baby as Rose gifted me with her time…three books, a card and some bright happy sunflowers to fill my blue cup with sunshine.  I told her how much I’ll miss her and "How we all have the ability to touch someone’s life."….like she has me.

                     Rose's gifts...the letter is for the plane trip she said! :)

It’s time to close this chapter here and like the crisp pages of a new book, welcome what I’ll discover and what new experiences are out there for us in the land down under.

But until next week…we have a little girl who’s about to turn ten…a mile stone for her and also for her Mama, who ten years ago was dealing with so many bittersweet days with Dempsey’s birth and wondering at the same time if Demps would ever know her sister Savannah…but you do survive those hard bits..the grief...and relish more in the joyful moments because of those times.

Think of us tomorrow…we have a bunch of tweens and ten puppies visiting for my precious one’s tenth birthday…I know exactly where my compass will be pointed tomorrow…at the top of the happy meter! :)

Being Fearless...

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.” – Mark Twain


Before I flipped our calendar over to July yesterday, I read the quote at the top. Mark Twain’s wise words seemed appropriate for this time of year.

You see, the last day of June is always a difficult one for me.

It’s Savannah’s birthday, our daughter who died.

Savannah on her 3rd birthday...with Fraser my nephew...

This year she would’ve become a teenager….how I’d give anything to see who she is now, whether she’d still be shy like she was, whether her hair would be curly like mine…or straight?   What advice she’d be giving Dempsey and what fears she would’ve had at the important age of thirteen?

But I’ll never know that stuff…and I accept that now.

I learn from the gifts that she did give me through her living and her dying…and through her courage and the fearless way she faced her disease, which was merciless.

Yes, my daughter taught me a lot about courage and being brave and I thought a lot about that too on her special day.  

And I’ve decided I want to be fearless…I want to ‘live life’ in spite of my fears and what’s happened to our family. To take chances and be surprised at where they take me….

On Savannah’s birthday I had my usual tears, but I also had a lot of love and support and moments from friends and from Dempsey who reminds me daily – not to fear anything!

We decided to go to the beach early.  To go somewhere that’s busy and buzzing with life.

And it was there, watching Dempsey run and jump into the waves…fearless of anything that she might encounter in the water….I sat back and observed her, filling my blue cup with love and sunshine…and turning my sadness into joy for her undaunted take on life and her passion for being alive.

On Savannah’s birthday, we did our traditional balloon buying, however, this year we couldn’t fit thirteen balloons in the trunk of the car.

So Demps chose one big silver balloon and three colorful ones which she drew animals on for her sister….I’m not sure about her taste in colors though! :)

I wrote a message to Savannah from Mummy and Daddy and Demps eagerly set them free….up to heaven to her sister....

And if you are a believer, believe…because later that night, wandering up our stairs, I noticed something sitting in my path…a feather…on our stairs!

Even Peter was flabbergasted as to how it got there?? I know what I like to believe…. :)

Demps told me it was a message from Savannah to say she’d gotten our balloons and loved her drawings…. She also said;

“You know she’s not here with us Mummy, don’t you?”

And I told her yes, I know she’s not physically here…but she lives in our hearts, she always will….

One of my fears on her special day is that people will forget her…forget that she ever lived…but I needn’t have worried.

Our special friends in Australia, who are dealing with a lot at the moment, remembered and sent this beautiful bunch of flowers for her, they've never missed her birthday!  It meant so much to me…I couldn’t even begin to try and write in words the comfort their flowers brought…their perfume is overwhelming and sweet…like she was…

My neighbor Renee brought a special candle that is battery operated, and even twinkles like a real candle…It was comforting!

I got emails and texts and my friend Mary text to say she was having a margarita in Savannah’s honor…at lunchtime mind you…because I’d asked that people do something they enjoy for her because she can’t.

So even though my fears of my tears and not knowing how I’d be on her special day didn’t materialize….being scared but facing the day as best I could is being fearless I’ve realized.

And being fearless drives us to ‘live life’ it dares us to do anything we put our minds to.....

I only have to use Dempsey’s gorgeous girlfriends to get a lesson on being fearless….to dive right in..despite our fears and to live and love and enjoy…whatever our demons…or our dreams may be…..

Happy 13th Birthday Bubby…We miss you...always. x

Finding awareness in a detour... :) x

When I was a little girl, growing up in country Australia, probably Dempsey’s age, one day a week, my Nanna would take me on a ‘Mystery Drive.’

She drove an aqua blue mini cooper that smelled like Yardley’s English Lavender perfume.   It’s gear stick wobbled and the floor heated your feet…..oh, how I looked forward to these weekly drives around our small town where Nanna would point out pretty gardens and quiz me on what street we were in.

I’m sure it was a way to teach me awareness in case I ever got lost…along with some time out for my mum! :)

Anyway, schools out for Summer…and this morning after dropping Dempsey at Summer Camp I took a wrong turn and found myself on a detour around streets I’ve never travelled down before.  (My life in a nutshell) :)  And I thought about Nanna and those beloved ‘Mystery Drives.’

And I became more aware of my surroundings, noticing and taking everything in….maybe because they weren’t familiar to me, but maybe because through my journey, now, I notice and see the beauty if I make a conscious effort and pay attention….

The street was lined with towering palm trees and the ‘almost Summer’ sky was a rich blue…just how you’d imagine Southern California to be if you’d never visited.   I stopped my car to take this photo…..beautiful right?

Driving along I saw an elderly man, sitting in his driveway, alone, on a metal kitchen chair, staring at the concrete in the sun…I wondered what his story is and thought about slowing down to do this today and just soak in Mother Nature and my thoughts….

A teenager was happily walking a scruffy terrier on the footpath.  The little dog looked happy to be out and about, taking in his surrounds too.   And I knew if Dempsey was with me she would’ve said, “Aw look at that puppy Mummy…he’s so cute!”….cos she notices this stuff too...which made me smile. :)

Zig zagging through a few streets and down a hill I came across a big red barn…in the middle of suburbia!!

Growing up, these barn’s were always illustrated in my books, and this one is the first I’ve ever seen in the USA….and to think it’s only a few miles from my home.   You never know what you’ll come across or notice….if you unlock your senses!


I finally found my way back to familiar streets and stopped at Walgreens.

Dumping a box of hair color, licorice and some toothpaste at the check out, the friendly lady with ‘Jan’ on her nametag asked how my day was….then added  “Would you like to donate to the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles today? They are an amazing place if you ever need them.”

Little did she know I’ve spent countless hours and nights in that hospital…and she’s right, the hospital is full of amazing staff who make a difference.

And I was surprised when she placed a paper balloon in front of me and asked me to write a child’s name on it to go up on the wall.....it gave me an opportunity to write our Angel's name...which I don't get to do much these days....and that made me smile too!

Last Friday night we had Happy Hour around our back T…Peter was lucky to be surrounded by women, with all our male friends away, he was loving life!

My beautiful girlfriends...

Throughout the evening, I looked around at everyone enjoying themselves, drinking red wine and snacking on cheese and crackers, chatting and I thought of my friend in hospital…..aware of how lucky I am…..

Thank you so much to all of you that said a prayer for my friend…it meant a lot.   Her surgery went well and I guess now it’s all about healing and moving forward positively.

So now, I’m off to pick up my little mermaid from Summer Camp…who’ll be happy and chatty about her adventures today….I think I’ll tell her about mine…and maybe institute some ‘Mystery Rides’ of my own.

To teach Demps the gift of awareness and how life is a one way street…that no matter how many detours you take, none of them leads back…so to enjoy life’s every moment as none of them will happen the same way again…….. x

The power of H O P E x

These past few days, I’ve been reminded again that life can change on a dime…in a milli second…on a day when you had plans to cook dinner for your family or pick up your kids from school! 

It's reminded me to question what it is that I want out of life?

A very special friend of mine, from our close inner circle has had her life turned upside down with a life altering diagnosis.

A trip to the doctor discovered a brain tumor and life as her and her family know it has now been ripped out from under them.

And when something like this happen, your world stops.

You feel panicked about what might happen, the not knowing is terrifying.

You question ‘why’ and can only see the unfairness of it….and it is unfair!   My friend is only 35 and has a loving husband and 2 beautiful little girls who need their mum.   And again, I can’t get my head around ‘why’ such bad things happen to good people…but going down that path is mindless and sucks the energy and focus from us.   It steals it from centering on the positives and what we are in control of, and shifts it to the negatives that paralyze you with fear.

Hearing about my friend’s diagnosis instantly took me back to when I got a call to say my sister had been killed, and the day we were told our daughter Savannah would die.  That day, I was busy with the mundane stuff that life brings like cleaning and making beds and washing clothes when in one phone call, my, or our, life changed. It’s never been the same since.

I didn’t want to call my friend as I know from experience it takes time to comprehend and process a diagnosis like she has just been given.   So I sent her an email instead, for I’ve been her a few times with life altering news and know the uncertainty and shock is raw and real and all consuming.

My friend called me instead and we had a heart to heart about what you can do when you are struck down and life as you knew it is suddenly out of control like a train that’s been derailed….

We talked of how it’s overwhelming to look too far ahead, that its scary not knowing what’s next…

I told her to take each day and get through it the best way she can with the information she’s been given.   And I shared with her that sometimes on days when Savannah would scream in pain for hours, and I couldn’t help her, I’d focus on the next hour and the one after that, and the one after that…in hope that things might be better…sometimes I coped by crying and sleeping.

You do what works for you and what gets you through. There are no rules….no rhyme or reason.

And it’s weird, but I was asked a few weeks ago by a journalist what it was and still is that I cling to, that keeps me going….I considered her question carefully, and the one thing that I came up with was ‘hope.’

Back then it was hope for a good day for Savannah, hope my tears would stop, sometimes just for an hour, hope that I would survive the challenges and the grief that had overtaken my world.

I told my friend about the power of hope…because when everything you know gets torn apart, and you feel you’re no longer in control…hope is empowering, over time, it gives you the power to believe that maybe things won’t be as bad as you first thought.   That you can learn a ‘new normal’ and that in time, your life does get back to being stable again…even if it is different for a while.

My friend like us doesn’t have a choice in what’s happened to her, but I told her she does have control over her journey in the way she faces it, with positive thought and that powerful little four letter word......H O P E.

And she told me she’s up for the challenge, she’s brave, a fighter and is prepared to do whatever it takes to get her life back.   And I was reminded again about the power of the human spirit to survive and dig deep and find what it is you need…like the support of family and friends and educating yourself and finding things that feed your strength…..

So my heart has been heavy this week with this news, I’m not sleeping and feel helpless that I can’t be with her family to rally around them.   However, her news has also prompted me again not to put things off!   So I’ve opened my suitcase and started packing to go home to Australia early and see my dad and my family….to enjoy time with Dempsey, for I know my friend would give anything to be baking her cakes or helping with homework in the company of her girls.

None of us know what’s next?

From the time we’re born we are merely ‘surviving life’….trying not to get into an accident, or stay free from disease…to keep our kids safe…life is one big game of survival but it’s what we do with that game…how we choose to live and enjoy our precious days.   To know what it is we want out of this one precious life we are gifted with.

If any of my readers are the praying kind, please say a prayer for my friend and her beautiful family, that they stay strong and weather this storm.   Her surgery is next Monday and I hope everything goes according to plan.   She is in the best hands, her doctors are heroes…they deal with these cases every single day and give our loved ones their life back.

Last night, as I tucked Dempsey into bed, I hugged her a bit harder and sat with her a bit longer…for my friend…and for her girls who I know must be missing having their mama do the same at the moment….

x