Monday, July 2, 2012

Being Fearless...

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.” – Mark Twain

Before I flipped our calendar over to July yesterday, I read the quote at the top. Mark Twain’s wise words seemed appropriate for this time of year.

You see, the last day of June is always a difficult one for me.

It’s Savannah’s birthday, our daughter who died.

Savannah on her 3rd birthday...with Fraser my nephew...

This year she would’ve become a teenager….how I’d give anything to see who she is now, whether she’d still be shy like she was, whether her hair would be curly like mine…or straight?   What advice she’d be giving Dempsey and what fears she would’ve had at the important age of thirteen?

But I’ll never know that stuff…and I accept that now.

I learn from the gifts that she did give me through her living and her dying…and through her courage and the fearless way she faced her disease, which was merciless.

Yes, my daughter taught me a lot about courage and being brave and I thought a lot about that too on her special day.  

And I’ve decided I want to be fearless…I want to ‘live life’ in spite of my fears and what’s happened to our family. To take chances and be surprised at where they take me….

On Savannah’s birthday I had my usual tears, but I also had a lot of love and support and moments from friends and from Dempsey who reminds me daily – not to fear anything!

We decided to go to the beach early.  To go somewhere that’s busy and buzzing with life.

And it was there, watching Dempsey run and jump into the waves…fearless of anything that she might encounter in the water….I sat back and observed her, filling my blue cup with love and sunshine…and turning my sadness into joy for her undaunted take on life and her passion for being alive.

On Savannah’s birthday, we did our traditional balloon buying, however, this year we couldn’t fit thirteen balloons in the trunk of the car.

So Demps chose one big silver balloon and three colorful ones which she drew animals on for her sister….I’m not sure about her taste in colors though! :)

I wrote a message to Savannah from Mummy and Daddy and Demps eagerly set them free….up to heaven to her sister....

And if you are a believer, believe…because later that night, wandering up our stairs, I noticed something sitting in my path…a feather…on our stairs!

Even Peter was flabbergasted as to how it got there?? I know what I like to believe…. :)

Demps told me it was a message from Savannah to say she’d gotten our balloons and loved her drawings…. She also said;

“You know she’s not here with us Mummy, don’t you?”

And I told her yes, I know she’s not physically here…but she lives in our hearts, she always will….

One of my fears on her special day is that people will forget her…forget that she ever lived…but I needn’t have worried.

Our special friends in Australia, who are dealing with a lot at the moment, remembered and sent this beautiful bunch of flowers for her, they've never missed her birthday!  It meant so much to me…I couldn’t even begin to try and write in words the comfort their flowers brought…their perfume is overwhelming and sweet…like she was…

My neighbor Renee brought a special candle that is battery operated, and even twinkles like a real candle…It was comforting!

I got emails and texts and my friend Mary text to say she was having a margarita in Savannah’s honor…at lunchtime mind you…because I’d asked that people do something they enjoy for her because she can’t.

So even though my fears of my tears and not knowing how I’d be on her special day didn’t materialize….being scared but facing the day as best I could is being fearless I’ve realized.

And being fearless drives us to ‘live life’ it dares us to do anything we put our minds to.....

I only have to use Dempsey’s gorgeous girlfriends to get a lesson on being fearless….to dive right in..despite our fears and to live and love and enjoy…whatever our demons…or our dreams may be…..

Happy 13th Birthday Bubby…We miss you...always. x


  1. Your post is positive, uplifting, and inspiring as always; yet it still breaks my heart that your bubby is not physically here with you. If you and Dempsey are any hint, what a beautiful girl she would be!! Much love, today and always. xx

  2. Lovely Candice....THANK YOU...your comment means a lot.

    Savvys birthday is always a hard one for me...always will be I think.

    I hope you give your beautiful little Macy an extra tight squeeze from me...she is so her Mama!

    Diana x

  3. Thinking of you & your sweet Savannah. Dates like these can still be hard, even after all these years. (((hugs)))

  4. Dear Loribeth

    Thank you for your sweet hugs and for thinking of me. You are right, these dates will always be hard and I think it's the not knowing and the longing for our loved ones who are no longer here. With a child, it's simply magnified.

    I accept and am ready these days for her dates, I think I'll always miss Savannah, not matter how many years roll by.

    Hugs back to you, they are my favorite! :)

    Diana x