Steered by love and memories...our inner compass. x

Everyone has a compass, a mechanism inside us that steers us and guides us through life…that leads us to where we think we should be…or where we want to be.

We all have the ability to change each others inner compass, or moods, from one of sadness into one of happiness…or to evoke feelings or transport us back in time through buried memories.

We have the power to make people laugh…and sometimes cry…to be encouraging….or to stub out a dream. It’s all about choice and choosing how we want to set our inner compass to determine what direction we want our lives to go in.

I had an emotional week last week.

Different days brought assorted emotions…happy, sad, awake, alive, grateful, truths and turmoil…but above all love and a clear sense that we are all connected and have the power to influence each others existence.

On Tuesday, my sister Tarnia’s first born, Alexander was here in the States from Australia. And I was so very grateful he chose to spend the last leg of his world tour with his Aunty D.

Alexander and me Friday night! :)

His plane was delayed a couple of hours…so it was almost midnight when he appeared on the escalators at the airport….tired but smiling…and with the biggest, squeeziest hug I’ve had in a while. :)

As tall as me now, with a mop of dark chocolate hair, like my sister…and with her eyes……

The emotions of pride and love was overwhelming....maybe not for him, a twenty year old, with a towering worn back pack and his earphones hanging down his shirt.   But for me, seeing him is always like a slice of my sister…and all the emotions that come with her not being here. Also, how absolutely proud she’d be of him…if she was here!   I love him like he’s mine.

My beautiful mum with Emerald and Charlotte...my sisters twins

Then on Friday, it was my beautiful Mum’s birthday…her special day stirs up emotions of longing…of how much I miss her.   But it also reminds me to celebrate life and love and to enjoy every single day…like she did.   She’d be disappointed if it were any other way!

I think, a lot of how I live my life now is because of the confidence she instilled in me as a child and her wisdom about accepting, that sometimes life isn’t fair…but how we must make the most of every day, as life and how we choose to live it, like a compass, determines our path in finding direction to who we want to become or where we want be.

My special friend Hannah, who shared a memorable champagne lunch at the Beverly Hills Hotel with my mum Beverley, sent me this message on Friday;

“Remembering your Mum, the lovely Beverly, on her birthday. Thank you for sharing her with me. Especially the lessons she taught you. I look in the mirror and smile and am trying to put some lipstick on before I leave the house! I love you, a big hug to you as I know you would want to hear her voice today...perhaps you are hearing her through others. Love you more my darling Diana.”

Friday night at our regular Happy Hour, we always toast someone, so we clinked our glasses in Mum’s honor, me with a smile at how thrilled mum would be we were enjoying every moment we're gifted with...

And when everyone left, Alexander and I sat out under the stars by candlelight and had an intimate chat, too intimate to even write about here...about his Mum, my sister…and life before and after her accident. And I know if Tarnia was listening she’d be pleased that we’d had that private time together, bonding over red wine and old memories.

On Sunday, I took Alexander on a tour of Los Angeles….searching for Venice Beach. Our cars compass…our GPS with the Aussie accent, ended us almost up in Dodger Stadium…which added to the laughs of the day!

At Venice Beach, we ratted through T-shirt shops and mingled with the madness. Alexander so amused by all the different characters you see only on the board walk of Venice Beach.

Dempsey took a dip in the ocean while we sat on the warm sand and chatted about life.  And I’ve discovered my beautiful nephew is far wiser than his years and taught this old Aunt a few things about life from generation Y’s point of view! :)

Sunday night, I waved goodbye to him in the Super Shuttle til it turned the corner in my street…blowing kisses…grateful for the time I got to spend with my sisters oldest son.   But I wasn’t sad, cos I’ll be seeing him again in a few weeks when I return to Australia…my compass set on getting back over the pond.

I’m scared about leaving the USA and not knowing what’s in the next episode of my life…like sands through the hour glass…but it’s also exciting…the not knowing…and that’s the beauty of life….every day offers up something new..if we allow it to.

My inner compass no doubt will lead me where I need to be, and I have to trust the Universe is unraveling just the way it’s meant to.

                    Demps with Rose's grandchildren at the park
Today, I met Rose for the last time…for now. :)

It’s like someone has cloned my mum…and it was hard to say goodbye.  Me, blubbering like a baby as Rose gifted me with her time…three books, a card and some bright happy sunflowers to fill my blue cup with sunshine.  I told her how much I’ll miss her and "How we all have the ability to touch someone’s life."….like she has me.

                     Rose's gifts...the letter is for the plane trip she said! :)

It’s time to close this chapter here and like the crisp pages of a new book, welcome what I’ll discover and what new experiences are out there for us in the land down under.

But until next week…we have a little girl who’s about to turn ten…a mile stone for her and also for her Mama, who ten years ago was dealing with so many bittersweet days with Dempsey’s birth and wondering at the same time if Demps would ever know her sister Savannah…but you do survive those hard bits..the grief...and relish more in the joyful moments because of those times.

Think of us tomorrow…we have a bunch of tweens and ten puppies visiting for my precious one’s tenth birthday…I know exactly where my compass will be pointed tomorrow…at the top of the happy meter! :)

Being Fearless...

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.” – Mark Twain


Before I flipped our calendar over to July yesterday, I read the quote at the top. Mark Twain’s wise words seemed appropriate for this time of year.

You see, the last day of June is always a difficult one for me.

It’s Savannah’s birthday, our daughter who died.

Savannah on her 3rd birthday...with Fraser my nephew...

This year she would’ve become a teenager….how I’d give anything to see who she is now, whether she’d still be shy like she was, whether her hair would be curly like mine…or straight?   What advice she’d be giving Dempsey and what fears she would’ve had at the important age of thirteen?

But I’ll never know that stuff…and I accept that now.

I learn from the gifts that she did give me through her living and her dying…and through her courage and the fearless way she faced her disease, which was merciless.

Yes, my daughter taught me a lot about courage and being brave and I thought a lot about that too on her special day.  

And I’ve decided I want to be fearless…I want to ‘live life’ in spite of my fears and what’s happened to our family. To take chances and be surprised at where they take me….

On Savannah’s birthday I had my usual tears, but I also had a lot of love and support and moments from friends and from Dempsey who reminds me daily – not to fear anything!

We decided to go to the beach early.  To go somewhere that’s busy and buzzing with life.

And it was there, watching Dempsey run and jump into the waves…fearless of anything that she might encounter in the water….I sat back and observed her, filling my blue cup with love and sunshine…and turning my sadness into joy for her undaunted take on life and her passion for being alive.

On Savannah’s birthday, we did our traditional balloon buying, however, this year we couldn’t fit thirteen balloons in the trunk of the car.

So Demps chose one big silver balloon and three colorful ones which she drew animals on for her sister….I’m not sure about her taste in colors though! :)

I wrote a message to Savannah from Mummy and Daddy and Demps eagerly set them free….up to heaven to her sister....

And if you are a believer, believe…because later that night, wandering up our stairs, I noticed something sitting in my path…a feather…on our stairs!

Even Peter was flabbergasted as to how it got there?? I know what I like to believe…. :)

Demps told me it was a message from Savannah to say she’d gotten our balloons and loved her drawings…. She also said;

“You know she’s not here with us Mummy, don’t you?”

And I told her yes, I know she’s not physically here…but she lives in our hearts, she always will….

One of my fears on her special day is that people will forget her…forget that she ever lived…but I needn’t have worried.

Our special friends in Australia, who are dealing with a lot at the moment, remembered and sent this beautiful bunch of flowers for her, they've never missed her birthday!  It meant so much to me…I couldn’t even begin to try and write in words the comfort their flowers brought…their perfume is overwhelming and sweet…like she was…

My neighbor Renee brought a special candle that is battery operated, and even twinkles like a real candle…It was comforting!

I got emails and texts and my friend Mary text to say she was having a margarita in Savannah’s honor…at lunchtime mind you…because I’d asked that people do something they enjoy for her because she can’t.

So even though my fears of my tears and not knowing how I’d be on her special day didn’t materialize….being scared but facing the day as best I could is being fearless I’ve realized.

And being fearless drives us to ‘live life’ it dares us to do anything we put our minds to.....

I only have to use Dempsey’s gorgeous girlfriends to get a lesson on being fearless….to dive right in..despite our fears and to live and love and enjoy…whatever our demons…or our dreams may be…..

Happy 13th Birthday Bubby…We miss you...always. x

Finding awareness in a detour... :) x

When I was a little girl, growing up in country Australia, probably Dempsey’s age, one day a week, my Nanna would take me on a ‘Mystery Drive.’

She drove an aqua blue mini cooper that smelled like Yardley’s English Lavender perfume.   It’s gear stick wobbled and the floor heated your feet…..oh, how I looked forward to these weekly drives around our small town where Nanna would point out pretty gardens and quiz me on what street we were in.

I’m sure it was a way to teach me awareness in case I ever got lost…along with some time out for my mum! :)

Anyway, schools out for Summer…and this morning after dropping Dempsey at Summer Camp I took a wrong turn and found myself on a detour around streets I’ve never travelled down before.  (My life in a nutshell) :)  And I thought about Nanna and those beloved ‘Mystery Drives.’

And I became more aware of my surroundings, noticing and taking everything in….maybe because they weren’t familiar to me, but maybe because through my journey, now, I notice and see the beauty if I make a conscious effort and pay attention….

The street was lined with towering palm trees and the ‘almost Summer’ sky was a rich blue…just how you’d imagine Southern California to be if you’d never visited.   I stopped my car to take this photo…..beautiful right?

Driving along I saw an elderly man, sitting in his driveway, alone, on a metal kitchen chair, staring at the concrete in the sun…I wondered what his story is and thought about slowing down to do this today and just soak in Mother Nature and my thoughts….

A teenager was happily walking a scruffy terrier on the footpath.  The little dog looked happy to be out and about, taking in his surrounds too.   And I knew if Dempsey was with me she would’ve said, “Aw look at that puppy Mummy…he’s so cute!”….cos she notices this stuff too...which made me smile. :)

Zig zagging through a few streets and down a hill I came across a big red barn…in the middle of suburbia!!

Growing up, these barn’s were always illustrated in my books, and this one is the first I’ve ever seen in the USA….and to think it’s only a few miles from my home.   You never know what you’ll come across or notice….if you unlock your senses!


I finally found my way back to familiar streets and stopped at Walgreens.

Dumping a box of hair color, licorice and some toothpaste at the check out, the friendly lady with ‘Jan’ on her nametag asked how my day was….then added  “Would you like to donate to the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles today? They are an amazing place if you ever need them.”

Little did she know I’ve spent countless hours and nights in that hospital…and she’s right, the hospital is full of amazing staff who make a difference.

And I was surprised when she placed a paper balloon in front of me and asked me to write a child’s name on it to go up on the wall.....it gave me an opportunity to write our Angel's name...which I don't get to do much these days....and that made me smile too!

Last Friday night we had Happy Hour around our back T…Peter was lucky to be surrounded by women, with all our male friends away, he was loving life!

My beautiful girlfriends...

Throughout the evening, I looked around at everyone enjoying themselves, drinking red wine and snacking on cheese and crackers, chatting and I thought of my friend in hospital…..aware of how lucky I am…..

Thank you so much to all of you that said a prayer for my friend…it meant a lot.   Her surgery went well and I guess now it’s all about healing and moving forward positively.

So now, I’m off to pick up my little mermaid from Summer Camp…who’ll be happy and chatty about her adventures today….I think I’ll tell her about mine…and maybe institute some ‘Mystery Rides’ of my own.

To teach Demps the gift of awareness and how life is a one way street…that no matter how many detours you take, none of them leads back…so to enjoy life’s every moment as none of them will happen the same way again…….. x

The power of H O P E x

These past few days, I’ve been reminded again that life can change on a dime…in a milli second…on a day when you had plans to cook dinner for your family or pick up your kids from school! 

It's reminded me to question what it is that I want out of life?

A very special friend of mine, from our close inner circle has had her life turned upside down with a life altering diagnosis.

A trip to the doctor discovered a brain tumor and life as her and her family know it has now been ripped out from under them.

And when something like this happen, your world stops.

You feel panicked about what might happen, the not knowing is terrifying.

You question ‘why’ and can only see the unfairness of it….and it is unfair!   My friend is only 35 and has a loving husband and 2 beautiful little girls who need their mum.   And again, I can’t get my head around ‘why’ such bad things happen to good people…but going down that path is mindless and sucks the energy and focus from us.   It steals it from centering on the positives and what we are in control of, and shifts it to the negatives that paralyze you with fear.

Hearing about my friend’s diagnosis instantly took me back to when I got a call to say my sister had been killed, and the day we were told our daughter Savannah would die.  That day, I was busy with the mundane stuff that life brings like cleaning and making beds and washing clothes when in one phone call, my, or our, life changed. It’s never been the same since.

I didn’t want to call my friend as I know from experience it takes time to comprehend and process a diagnosis like she has just been given.   So I sent her an email instead, for I’ve been her a few times with life altering news and know the uncertainty and shock is raw and real and all consuming.

My friend called me instead and we had a heart to heart about what you can do when you are struck down and life as you knew it is suddenly out of control like a train that’s been derailed….

We talked of how it’s overwhelming to look too far ahead, that its scary not knowing what’s next…

I told her to take each day and get through it the best way she can with the information she’s been given.   And I shared with her that sometimes on days when Savannah would scream in pain for hours, and I couldn’t help her, I’d focus on the next hour and the one after that, and the one after that…in hope that things might be better…sometimes I coped by crying and sleeping.

You do what works for you and what gets you through. There are no rules….no rhyme or reason.

And it’s weird, but I was asked a few weeks ago by a journalist what it was and still is that I cling to, that keeps me going….I considered her question carefully, and the one thing that I came up with was ‘hope.’

Back then it was hope for a good day for Savannah, hope my tears would stop, sometimes just for an hour, hope that I would survive the challenges and the grief that had overtaken my world.

I told my friend about the power of hope…because when everything you know gets torn apart, and you feel you’re no longer in control…hope is empowering, over time, it gives you the power to believe that maybe things won’t be as bad as you first thought.   That you can learn a ‘new normal’ and that in time, your life does get back to being stable again…even if it is different for a while.

My friend like us doesn’t have a choice in what’s happened to her, but I told her she does have control over her journey in the way she faces it, with positive thought and that powerful little four letter word......H O P E.

And she told me she’s up for the challenge, she’s brave, a fighter and is prepared to do whatever it takes to get her life back.   And I was reminded again about the power of the human spirit to survive and dig deep and find what it is you need…like the support of family and friends and educating yourself and finding things that feed your strength…..

So my heart has been heavy this week with this news, I’m not sleeping and feel helpless that I can’t be with her family to rally around them.   However, her news has also prompted me again not to put things off!   So I’ve opened my suitcase and started packing to go home to Australia early and see my dad and my family….to enjoy time with Dempsey, for I know my friend would give anything to be baking her cakes or helping with homework in the company of her girls.

None of us know what’s next?

From the time we’re born we are merely ‘surviving life’….trying not to get into an accident, or stay free from disease…to keep our kids safe…life is one big game of survival but it’s what we do with that game…how we choose to live and enjoy our precious days.   To know what it is we want out of this one precious life we are gifted with.

If any of my readers are the praying kind, please say a prayer for my friend and her beautiful family, that they stay strong and weather this storm.   Her surgery is next Monday and I hope everything goes according to plan.   She is in the best hands, her doctors are heroes…they deal with these cases every single day and give our loved ones their life back.

Last night, as I tucked Dempsey into bed, I hugged her a bit harder and sat with her a bit longer…for my friend…and for her girls who I know must be missing having their mama do the same at the moment….

x

The pursuit for 'Happiness!' x

What makes us happy? 

What are the things that create happiness…that make us high five, or smile, or leap out of bed in the morning…or say “Yes!!!!”....with a fist pump, or two?

I certainly know sadness through my journey of losing loved ones….and I know it’s that sadness has made me appreciate the little joys in life.  Nobody wants to 'choose' sad...it's more like 'sad' chooses you somedays....

It takes time, sometimes a  l o n g  time after a life altering event to change the way you look at things…to dissect what it is that makes you happy….to know…

And when you are in that place, that dark place, you. don't. ever. think. you'll. be. happy. again.... 

But shifting your focus, or trying to shift your focus from the bad bits that you can't change...to making a concious effort to see the good bits becomes easier as time marches forward...cos time doesn't wait for you...the sun rises in the morning and sets in the evening, thats a given, yes, life goes on regardless....

And for me, I can’t pin point when I started to see the world differently, I just know one day, it was like I’d been cracked open like Humpty Dumpty and suddenly I started to notice things...that I hadn't before.  I guess it's called healing....and it is a gift that grief gives, the only good gift!

This past week, these are a few things that have fed my happiness tank.

Last week we went to Target, Peter told Dempsey she could choose something from the toy aisle.  I was quite proud that my girl didn't choose a Littlest Pet Shop...she chose this brilliant red ball! 

It is only a plastic ball, but it's red and bouncy and bright and I've loved watching the joy Dempsey has got out of this ball.  She's taken it everywhere with her.

My new friend Rose, who I wrote about in an earlier blog invited me to go walking at our park...and to meet her daughter and baby grand daughter.

I feel so privileged that she's sharing her family. The more time I spend with her the more I love this new friendship, it makes me happy.

And of course the big red ball came with us....

I never got to see our other daughter run, so watching Dempsey sprint up the hill at the park, breathless and giggly, ball in hand, enjoying the day and Rose made my heart swell....something that money can't buy....

Noticing the beauty of this Mama turtle and her baby that glided peacefully in towards us reminds me that life is forever evolving and changing.  Even in Mother Nature and the animal world, there's beauty and something to smile about...that life really is a miracle......




This little guy is Kirby...he's Dempsey's latest obsession.  She sleeps with him, eats with him and takes him everywhere...along with her red ball! :) 

And it's funny, but for 3 days last week she left him on our stairs when she went to school. 

Every time I walked past him, to go to the washing machine, or the loo, or to leave the house...there was Kirby, smiling at me! 

Now he is only a toy....but by the end of the day, his smiling face had rubbed off on me... he stopped me in my tracks.

It was like Demps had left him there to remind me to :-)

And while out shopping with Dempsey, I saw little red flags put in my path, waving at me, to remind me to be happy. 

At Petco, this Happy Hut caught my eye.  Oh how I would've loved a happy hut a few years ago to escape to! :)




Even my bloody new shoe's bag had a smiley face plastered all over it.... 

For me, without the contrast or that dividing line grief created...the before and after...the happy and the sad, I wouldn't know that the 'little things' can make you happy.

That finding things that give me a surge of energy, that feeling that you can do anything…like you’ve just slipped into a Superman suit…that feeling that you can fly, is empowering, and helps supress any sadness.

Yes, finding what makes you happy or looking for it builds up strength for when the bad bits hit...it helps me bounce back. 

A bit like Dempsey's big red ball....................

ps; I'd love to hear the 'little things' that've made you happy this week x

Coloring each others stories..... x

Welcome to any new readers who may have found my blog from Kelle Hampton's...it's an honor to have you stop by and read my thoughts......love Diana x



Everyone has a story….

Thursday at Dempsey’s school was Author Day! And I learnt some important lessons from Fourth Graders! :)

The kids got to write a book and illustrate it based around the fairy tale Cinderella. Dempsey’s was titled, “Pupperella.”

Mums and Dad’s were invited to Author Day…to sit with their child out in the fresh air and listen to their little one's story.

I sat on a small concrete wall with Demps as she smiled shyly and opened her book.

And to be honest, my mind was thinking of all the things I had to get done at home, how I’d naughtily hidden my dirty roasting pan in the oven…about Dempsey’s piano lesson that afternoon and how she hadn’t practiced…instead of stopping and enjoying the moment with my daughter….

Until Dempsey checked me on it....
”Mummy! Are you ready, are you listening?”

And it reminded me to stop!

To slow down and be present and savor this magical moment that I, as her Mama, have the privilege to enjoy.

It made me realize that once we understand this stuff is food for our souls…we take it all in. For that moment I shared with my daughter is now a memory…I can’t get it back again.

And its things like this that teach me to be present and to enjoy the experiences because they feed my spirit.  I felt overwhelmed at how lucky and blessed I am….sitting uncomfortably on that wall! :)

I find when I make a concerted effort to be present, I take everything in. I look around and see and feel and it physically tops up my happy bank…it’s when you discover the sunshine! :)

Yes, these moments awaken me, it’s called being present….and it is a present, a gift…to be able to slow down and consciously do this.

I looked around the playground at the other mother’s, sitting closely with their kids, reading…and listening, and I wondered if they ‘feel’ this stuff…if they know how truly lucky they are? I hope so….

Watching the other kids rush off to grab one of their friend’s books, eager and excited about reading each others story opened my eyes to how we can all be interested in each others lives.  To encourage one another….

We are all an integral part of each others stories, each others life….more than we know….and we can influence how each others chapters play out.

I only had to read Dempsey’s BFF Marlee’s dedication…written by the hand of a wise 10 year old, to teach me that’s it’s important to be there for one another…

"This book is dedicated to my Best Friend Dempsey because she is always there for me."

And sometimes, when I line up at Walmart with my shopping trolley brimming with groceries, I look around at the other people in the queue…wondering what their stories are?

Wondering what challenges they face or how they fill their days...and...I smile at them if they catch me!! :)

Yes, everyone has a story….

Sometimes I wish I could re-write a few of my chapters…but I can’t…..I can only learn from them and take these lessons into each new chapter I am gifted with…every single day.

Alone in my joy, sitting on that uncomfortable wall, I realized, it’s up to me to add color and meaning and joy and fun stuff to my days ahead…...like Dempsey has done in her book….


P.S; I've written my story...a manuscript...my journey of how I survived the loss of my sister Tarnia, my mum and our 4 year old beautiful daughter Savannah...I hope one day I can publish it to help others to know you can find beauty again....and choose a happy ending.... :) x

Mother's Day for me.....and a thank you! x

Today's post is for Kelle Hampton...for honoring me and my humble blog on her inspiring blog and for all that she does with her amazing writing of her journey for all of us....on this twisted journey of beautiful moments strung together we call life.... Thank you Kelle, I don't have the words.... love Diana x  http://www.kellehampton.com/2012/05/your-stories-we-bloom.html


This morning I didn’t want to open my eyes…

It’s Mother’s Day! One of my hardest days every year…

However, as I write this, as Mother’s Day draws to an end, I have to say I’ve had a good day.   And I’ve realized, it’s our children that become our legacy when we are no longer here.  It’s what we instill in them every single day that matters….and for me, I want nothing more than my daughter to be confident, happy and capable of slaying dragons if she ever meets one. I’ve been fortunate to have been given that gift from my Mum.

I can no longer call my adored Mum…they don’t have phone lines to heaven….

I miss hearing her laughter and her encouraging advice on days like today--when I miss our daughter Savannah who should be here to love me on Mother’s Day.

But I know I can’t change that, so instead, I try to channel my Mum’s amazing spirit into my day and incorporate her life lessons and be appreciative that I AM a mum, I have Dempsey, and I did have Savannah…even if it was for only a short while….I am still her Mamma…I always will be.

This was taken on Mother's Day a few weeks after we found out Savannah had her terminal illness


I also think of my sister’s children.

They don’t get to wake up and give their mum a hug, or make her a token gift from school or pick a flower or make her breakfast in bed….

Instead, they make their Dad a card on mother’s day, unlike all the other kids in their class. 

My sister's 4 beautiful children that she left behind...they fill my blue cup with sunshine! :)


However, I’ve learned from them with their ‘no fear’ attitude to life, what it means to be brave and accept that life sometimes throws us curve balls…but its how we choose to meet those unexpected balls is what matters.  Whether we duck, run for cover…or meet the challenge head on and dare life to test our strength.

And on this Mother’s Day, I do confront a triple whammy in that my sister, mum and daughter aren’t here...I cry and I feel sorry for myself….but it never lasts all day.   How can it when you have a real live ball of wonder, who stands 4 foot tall and makes you feel like everyday is Mothers Day.

I’ve learnt from both my daughters…from Savannah when she was dying…unconditional love…that our children only really want our time.   Time to sit with them, to curl up and read stories…to leave those dishes soaking and enjoy a volley of tennis out on the road instead….that a child’s arms around your neck in a tight hug can be taken from you in a heartbeat…and that sloppy kisses are one of life’s true treasures......

From the instant we become Mother’s our soul changes…as women, we finally understand what it means to love something so fiercely…its scary…we understand life’s wealth isn’t wrapped up in a shopping bag or a bank account, but in our most prized possessions…our children.

I’m also aware on this Mother’s Day there are so many ‘want to be so badly’ mothers out there…who must find this day as hard as a mamma who has had to bury her child. But we can’t change our circumstances…only how we see them…

Today, I can choose to be a Debbie Downer all day, a Negative Nancy…or I can make a choice to learn from my daughter’s…to enjoy a great meal tonight….to sip that fine wine slowly and savor it…..to watch the sunset sink into the horizon….to value that hug from my child like it’s the last I’ll ever get…..to thank my husband for making my day special…to delight in the presence of my friends who have lovingly thought of me today and sent texts and emails…..

I only got to spend 3 Mothers Days with Savannah, and that will never be enough…however, Dempsey is alive and reminds me sometimes hourly, that life is worth living and that beauty is in the little bits.

It’s funny, we have an ongoing argument on who loves who more…I tell her I always will cos I’m her Mamma…and I tell her, “One day Dempsey, one day, when you’re a Mamma, you’ll understand……”

I’d like to leave you with Dempsey’s words…that she’s written to me…from a 9 years olds perspective.   Hidden amongst her big girl writing is a message on Mother’s Day, that life is truly worth every heartache, every joy, every challenge and the wonders of what tomorrow may bring….

“Well, I love you more than ANYTHING! Like….I love you more than ice-cream, I love you more than cake, I even love you more when you make the biggest mistakes.

I love you more than big dogs, I love you more than tiny cats, I even love you more than your favorite place to shop at.

I love you, I love you not, I love you a little, I love you a lot. And no matter what, I will love you more, you make me better when I’m sad or bored…

And that is why you are the best mom ever. Just so you know, we will always be together!”


Happy Mother’s Day to all Mums…who meet all sort of challenges, every single day…to all women...aunts, to cousins, to friends…and to Dad’s who sometimes have to do both jobs…. x

Wishing you Sunshine if your cup has been blue today. X

Pennies from Heaven..Happy Birthday Tarnia x

I found a penny today
Just lying on the ground.

But it's not just a penny,
this little coin I've found.

When an Angel misses you,
They toss a penny down.

Sometimes just to cheer you up,
To make a smile out of your frown.

So, don't pass by that penny,
When you're feeling blue. It may be a penny from heaven,
that an Angel's tossed to you.


Today is my sister Tarnia’s birthday….AND…it’s been a good day!

Tarnia and her husband Tone

Maybe it’s because I started the day off with an early morning Skype with her oldest son Alexander.

I told him I hope he does something fun for his mum today, as that’s what she would’ve wanted…for him to be happy, for her husband Tone and all her children to be happy.

And that fuels me to be there for them…to help them shine in life with encouragement and love like she would’ve done….

I miss her kids being over here in the USA.  I love them like my own and feel lucky for the 4 precious gifts in her children that she’s left with us.

Driving Dempsey to school this morning I thought of her, how I’d have called her today and reminded her with a smile in my voice, how much older than me she is! :)

I also know I’d be on the call for at least an hour as she loved to chat…and that made me smile.

I think Tarnia’s birthday, as it does every year, reminds me not to be complacent about life…to enjoy all the little things that she can’t take pleasure in anymore.

I rang my Dad in Australia and we chatted about what things would be like in our family if Tarnia was here…and I love that NOW, my dad shares his thoughts.

I was also surprised to hear he’d taken flowers to her grave.  Something he never does as it upsets him….I was really proud of him! Time is a great healer sometimes…..

I told Dad, especially on Tarnia’s birthday, her not being alive prompts me to be grateful that I have the life I do…a gift that keeps giving from her….

Things like….being able to wander into Dempsey’s room as the sun starts its day, to crawl into her warm bed beside her for a cuddle and have her snuggle up to me, with her head under my chin as we talk about the day ahead.

Tarnia and I always did that with my mum….every single morning…it was tradition…much to dad’s annoyance some days! :)

Nuzzling up to Dempsey reminded me of that today….that Tarnia doesn’t get to enjoy these things with her kids. It made me thankful….

And seeing Dempsey blossom into a pre-teen, or a tween as they call it these days.... This photo says it all….some days I feel so privileged that she’s mine and that I’m alive to witness it….

And since my last post, Rose and I have stumbled upon tranquility at it’s finest in the hills around my home.

We’ve hiked down rock-strewn roads, surrounded by horses and wobbly new foals and nervous squirrels and rabbits…..all the while chatting about life, our lives…sharing our stories.

                       Rose showing me this glorious flower..next time I'll get her sweet face! :)


The more time I spend with Rose the more I feel she’s similar to mum in so many ways…it’s such a gift!

She stops to look at the flowers and trees and comments on the bird life and just how beautiful our surrounds are…just like my mum would’ve, and I find myself smiling at that.

Last week she hugged me in the middle of our hike and told me she feels honored that I’m her friend…..and I thought, “How did I get so bloody lucky to have met her?” I like to think Mum or Tarnia has sent her. :)

 My cousin Melanie and Dempsey


My cousin Melanie visited from Australia over the weekend, so I was spoilt with lots of warm hugs and deep conversation about life with Mels. She spent time with Dempsey which warmed my heart.

Even hanging the wet towels from their swim on our clothes line reminded me life isn’t to be taken for granted!  That I can do this mundane stuff that my sister can’t anymore.

And especially today, I do wish Tarnia was here, but I know that’s impossible. So instead, I make a promise to myself not to take anything for granted…yes, even if it’s pegging the washing to our line and watching it flap about in the breeze! :)

Rather than being bitter and closed off to life because of what’s happened to our family, or the fear of what ‘might’ happen…I choose to inhale all of life’s ups and downs and let them teach me how to be appreciative.  Yes, today Tarnia has given me that gift of awareness...of everything...

Tarnia always wanted to be a teacher…she went to Uni, to follow that dream.  And today she is one of my greatest teachers, a guide for me on this twisting path of life….to remind me to be happy, to be grateful and to pay it forward to others….to share.

This afternoon, Peter arrived home early from work, wanting to go to Lowes Hardware…I yawned at the thought of Lowes, but went anyway.

And as I stepped out of our car in Lowe’s parking lot, there on the ground at my feet was a dirty old penny, lying in my path. I picked it up, smiled and said to Peter, “I think this is a penny from heaven….from Tarnia!”

“Yeah right Dee!” was his answer..:)

Well, I like to think that on Tarnia’s birthday, she sent her little sister a sign…to remind me to laugh, to enjoy every second and always, always to believe she’s around….

Happy Birthday Tarnia!  Miss you! x

P.S; we’d need a fire brigade to put out your candles this year! :) x