Last week I joined the gym. And I’m feeling pretty good about that! :)
The rush I get when I push myself…when beads of sweat trickle down my face feels good…like I’m being cleansed. It’s like I’m exorcising (instead of exercising) some of my demons out. And this time of year the despised D’s are granted access into my mind….
You see this week is Savannah’s week. The week she left us…the week she slowly deteriorated before our eyes and there was nothing we could do…the week she took her last breathe.
Savannah 2 weeks before she died in the jacuzzi with Peter and Dempsey
And no matter how hard I try, I’m pre-occupied with haunting memories of that week. And anyone who’s lost someone know’s, sometimes the week leading up to the day can be harder than the actual anniversary.
So sweating away on the stair mill today, with my iPod on shuffle, the song “In the arms of an angel” came on.
It’s one of my favorites and usually makes me emotional, but today while exercising…listening to the words - “You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie. You’re in the arms of an Angel, may you find some comfort here.” I lost it. I had to hit pause, step off the stepper and surrender to my tears in the safety of a toilet stall.
Push play.....
I know this week will be filled with moments like that….and I know the tears help to heal. I know I can’t just shut these feeling out. My grief is a life long process…and especially on anniversary weeks, it intensifies.
However, I’m ready for it. I know what’s coming. The remembering. The longing....and the “why’s?” I also know that by next week the sadness and pain will simmer back down.
Friday night we had our first get together around our back T.
These days, not much surprises me…..but Friday night, I was overwhelmed and staggered at a friend of ours, her generosity and insight.
This friend, Nicola, hasn’t seen us since the mid 1990’s. She’s been a career girl in Bahrain, living a fascinating life, however, last year, through good old Facebook, we reconnected.
And as you do when you touch base with someone from your past you ask questions. Nicola told me all about her exciting life and finished off the email with..”I had a quick look on your FB – you guys have got 2 little girls, gorgeous….your turn!”
I thought, “Oh no!...she doesn’t know all that’s happened.” And I wasn’t sure how she’d react to our tale of happiness, love, tragedy and heartache. But I was pleasantly surprised. She was more compassionate than many of my friends are...and it was comforting!
So Friday night, she brought me a gift. In a little black velvet pouch…with a letter, for she somehow remembered it’s Savannah’s anniversary on Saturday.
These days, I don’t do letter’s in front of the giver’s as I get emotional. So I saved her note but pulled open the pouch.
Out dropped the most beautiful black stones. Two of them. One for Peter and one for me. (I know Peter won’t utilize his stone..he won't talk about Savannah's death)
They are Apache Tear’s also known as Black Apache Tear Crystals. And if you’re like me and have never heard of them, they are healing crystals.
Legend states after the Pinal Apaches were attacked by the military. Almost 50 of the 75 Apaches were shot during the surprise assault. The remainder of the tribe withdrew to a cliff edge and chose to die by leaping off the rock face.
For years following, the Apache women wept and mourned their loved ones where the bleached bones of the dead were wedged in the crevices of the cliff. Their sadness was so enormous, and their burden of sadness so genuine that the Great Father imbedded the tears of the Apache women into the black stones.
‘Legend’ also states, “He who owns an Apache Tear Drop will never have to cry again because the Apache women have shed their tears in place of yours.”
Beautiful right? These stones are meant to help with deep healing…and God knows I could use some of that this week!
So I was flabbergasted, teary, grateful and oh so moved by Nicola’s gift. She’d even spent two hours performing Reiki on them….in hope they’ll help us.
Nicola's lovely note...
We spent the early hours of Saturday morning talking about grief and death and afterlife…and “Why Savannah?” And I know I’ll never know why….it will haunt me forever.
However, my wise, beautiful friend also had a different view on “Why it was her time..”
Nicola’s suggestion was that maybe she was taken by her guardian Angels early so something even more horrific didn’t happen down the track.
Beautiful at almost 3....Savannah just before her disease progressed...
And while I appreciated her point of view, to me, there is nothing more hellish than Metachromatic Leukodystrophy. It stole everything from her, period!
Friday night I slept with my Apache Tear’s under my pillow hoping their legend will work some magic on my coming week….
And if they don’t, that’s okay too…I know I’ll be in the arms of some Angels, in friends like Nicola and those that knew Savannah.
There’s nothing anyone can do to alter my pain. It’s mine alone. However, those that reach out do make a difference on those difficult days…and I will find comfort in that....
They know this week is challenging….it always will be….however, their love, support and remembering, will carry me through….like my memories of a beautiful little 4 year old girl who's time was cut short.
“In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
In the arms of an Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here….."
The rush I get when I push myself…when beads of sweat trickle down my face feels good…like I’m being cleansed. It’s like I’m exorcising (instead of exercising) some of my demons out. And this time of year the despised D’s are granted access into my mind….
You see this week is Savannah’s week. The week she left us…the week she slowly deteriorated before our eyes and there was nothing we could do…the week she took her last breathe.
And no matter how hard I try, I’m pre-occupied with haunting memories of that week. And anyone who’s lost someone know’s, sometimes the week leading up to the day can be harder than the actual anniversary.
So sweating away on the stair mill today, with my iPod on shuffle, the song “In the arms of an angel” came on.
It’s one of my favorites and usually makes me emotional, but today while exercising…listening to the words - “You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie. You’re in the arms of an Angel, may you find some comfort here.” I lost it. I had to hit pause, step off the stepper and surrender to my tears in the safety of a toilet stall.
Push play.....
I know this week will be filled with moments like that….and I know the tears help to heal. I know I can’t just shut these feeling out. My grief is a life long process…and especially on anniversary weeks, it intensifies.
However, I’m ready for it. I know what’s coming. The remembering. The longing....and the “why’s?” I also know that by next week the sadness and pain will simmer back down.
Friday night we had our first get together around our back T.
These days, not much surprises me…..but Friday night, I was overwhelmed and staggered at a friend of ours, her generosity and insight.
This friend, Nicola, hasn’t seen us since the mid 1990’s. She’s been a career girl in Bahrain, living a fascinating life, however, last year, through good old Facebook, we reconnected.
And as you do when you touch base with someone from your past you ask questions. Nicola told me all about her exciting life and finished off the email with..”I had a quick look on your FB – you guys have got 2 little girls, gorgeous….your turn!”
I thought, “Oh no!...she doesn’t know all that’s happened.” And I wasn’t sure how she’d react to our tale of happiness, love, tragedy and heartache. But I was pleasantly surprised. She was more compassionate than many of my friends are...and it was comforting!
So Friday night, she brought me a gift. In a little black velvet pouch…with a letter, for she somehow remembered it’s Savannah’s anniversary on Saturday.
These days, I don’t do letter’s in front of the giver’s as I get emotional. So I saved her note but pulled open the pouch.
Out dropped the most beautiful black stones. Two of them. One for Peter and one for me. (I know Peter won’t utilize his stone..he won't talk about Savannah's death)
They are Apache Tear’s also known as Black Apache Tear Crystals. And if you’re like me and have never heard of them, they are healing crystals.
Legend states after the Pinal Apaches were attacked by the military. Almost 50 of the 75 Apaches were shot during the surprise assault. The remainder of the tribe withdrew to a cliff edge and chose to die by leaping off the rock face.
For years following, the Apache women wept and mourned their loved ones where the bleached bones of the dead were wedged in the crevices of the cliff. Their sadness was so enormous, and their burden of sadness so genuine that the Great Father imbedded the tears of the Apache women into the black stones.
‘Legend’ also states, “He who owns an Apache Tear Drop will never have to cry again because the Apache women have shed their tears in place of yours.”
Beautiful right? These stones are meant to help with deep healing…and God knows I could use some of that this week!
So I was flabbergasted, teary, grateful and oh so moved by Nicola’s gift. She’d even spent two hours performing Reiki on them….in hope they’ll help us.
We spent the early hours of Saturday morning talking about grief and death and afterlife…and “Why Savannah?” And I know I’ll never know why….it will haunt me forever.
However, my wise, beautiful friend also had a different view on “Why it was her time..”
Nicola’s suggestion was that maybe she was taken by her guardian Angels early so something even more horrific didn’t happen down the track.
And while I appreciated her point of view, to me, there is nothing more hellish than Metachromatic Leukodystrophy. It stole everything from her, period!
Friday night I slept with my Apache Tear’s under my pillow hoping their legend will work some magic on my coming week….
And if they don’t, that’s okay too…I know I’ll be in the arms of some Angels, in friends like Nicola and those that knew Savannah.
There’s nothing anyone can do to alter my pain. It’s mine alone. However, those that reach out do make a difference on those difficult days…and I will find comfort in that....
They know this week is challenging….it always will be….however, their love, support and remembering, will carry me through….like my memories of a beautiful little 4 year old girl who's time was cut short.
“In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
In the arms of an Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here….."
That was hauntingly beautiful -- your post, the pictures of Savannah, the Apache tears, and this song!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteGood for you for going to the club! I know that's so important but sometimes it's hard to make happen.
I remember before the 2nd anniversary of my dad's death that I just didn't want the day to come. I was fighting it, because i didn't want to have to mark that it was now 2 years since he was alive and that the time he was alive was getting further and further away. Sometimes all the fighting and pushing away causes more pain. I will be thinking of you! Thanks for sharing! xo
Beautiful as always, Diana. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and sending love and light,
Marty ♥
Dearest Louise,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your love and insight. You are right, the pushing it away does cause anxiety...for me, I hate this time of year for the horrid memories how she died. I know though that will ease.
You are also right about the years getting futher away...sorry you lost your dad, they are special.
As always, your comments bring me comfort, so THANK YOU for that too.
I've been catching up on your wonderful blog since we've been back.
with love,
Diana x
Marty,
ReplyDeleteAs always, THANK YOU for all that you do for the grieving community.
Your love and light is heartfelt and means a lot.
with love
Diana x