The pursuit for 'Happiness!' x

What makes us happy? 

What are the things that create happiness…that make us high five, or smile, or leap out of bed in the morning…or say “Yes!!!!”....with a fist pump, or two?

I certainly know sadness through my journey of losing loved ones….and I know it’s that sadness has made me appreciate the little joys in life.  Nobody wants to 'choose' sad...it's more like 'sad' chooses you somedays....

It takes time, sometimes a  l o n g  time after a life altering event to change the way you look at things…to dissect what it is that makes you happy….to know…

And when you are in that place, that dark place, you. don't. ever. think. you'll. be. happy. again.... 

But shifting your focus, or trying to shift your focus from the bad bits that you can't change...to making a concious effort to see the good bits becomes easier as time marches forward...cos time doesn't wait for you...the sun rises in the morning and sets in the evening, thats a given, yes, life goes on regardless....

And for me, I can’t pin point when I started to see the world differently, I just know one day, it was like I’d been cracked open like Humpty Dumpty and suddenly I started to notice things...that I hadn't before.  I guess it's called healing....and it is a gift that grief gives, the only good gift!

This past week, these are a few things that have fed my happiness tank.

Last week we went to Target, Peter told Dempsey she could choose something from the toy aisle.  I was quite proud that my girl didn't choose a Littlest Pet Shop...she chose this brilliant red ball! 

It is only a plastic ball, but it's red and bouncy and bright and I've loved watching the joy Dempsey has got out of this ball.  She's taken it everywhere with her.

My new friend Rose, who I wrote about in an earlier blog invited me to go walking at our park...and to meet her daughter and baby grand daughter.

I feel so privileged that she's sharing her family. The more time I spend with her the more I love this new friendship, it makes me happy.

And of course the big red ball came with us....

I never got to see our other daughter run, so watching Dempsey sprint up the hill at the park, breathless and giggly, ball in hand, enjoying the day and Rose made my heart swell....something that money can't buy....

Noticing the beauty of this Mama turtle and her baby that glided peacefully in towards us reminds me that life is forever evolving and changing.  Even in Mother Nature and the animal world, there's beauty and something to smile about...that life really is a miracle......




This little guy is Kirby...he's Dempsey's latest obsession.  She sleeps with him, eats with him and takes him everywhere...along with her red ball! :) 

And it's funny, but for 3 days last week she left him on our stairs when she went to school. 

Every time I walked past him, to go to the washing machine, or the loo, or to leave the house...there was Kirby, smiling at me! 

Now he is only a toy....but by the end of the day, his smiling face had rubbed off on me... he stopped me in my tracks.

It was like Demps had left him there to remind me to :-)

And while out shopping with Dempsey, I saw little red flags put in my path, waving at me, to remind me to be happy. 

At Petco, this Happy Hut caught my eye.  Oh how I would've loved a happy hut a few years ago to escape to! :)




Even my bloody new shoe's bag had a smiley face plastered all over it.... 

For me, without the contrast or that dividing line grief created...the before and after...the happy and the sad, I wouldn't know that the 'little things' can make you happy.

That finding things that give me a surge of energy, that feeling that you can do anything…like you’ve just slipped into a Superman suit…that feeling that you can fly, is empowering, and helps supress any sadness.

Yes, finding what makes you happy or looking for it builds up strength for when the bad bits hit...it helps me bounce back. 

A bit like Dempsey's big red ball....................

ps; I'd love to hear the 'little things' that've made you happy this week x

Coloring each others stories..... x

Welcome to any new readers who may have found my blog from Kelle Hampton's...it's an honor to have you stop by and read my thoughts......love Diana x



Everyone has a story….

Thursday at Dempsey’s school was Author Day! And I learnt some important lessons from Fourth Graders! :)

The kids got to write a book and illustrate it based around the fairy tale Cinderella. Dempsey’s was titled, “Pupperella.”

Mums and Dad’s were invited to Author Day…to sit with their child out in the fresh air and listen to their little one's story.

I sat on a small concrete wall with Demps as she smiled shyly and opened her book.

And to be honest, my mind was thinking of all the things I had to get done at home, how I’d naughtily hidden my dirty roasting pan in the oven…about Dempsey’s piano lesson that afternoon and how she hadn’t practiced…instead of stopping and enjoying the moment with my daughter….

Until Dempsey checked me on it....
”Mummy! Are you ready, are you listening?”

And it reminded me to stop!

To slow down and be present and savor this magical moment that I, as her Mama, have the privilege to enjoy.

It made me realize that once we understand this stuff is food for our souls…we take it all in. For that moment I shared with my daughter is now a memory…I can’t get it back again.

And its things like this that teach me to be present and to enjoy the experiences because they feed my spirit.  I felt overwhelmed at how lucky and blessed I am….sitting uncomfortably on that wall! :)

I find when I make a concerted effort to be present, I take everything in. I look around and see and feel and it physically tops up my happy bank…it’s when you discover the sunshine! :)

Yes, these moments awaken me, it’s called being present….and it is a present, a gift…to be able to slow down and consciously do this.

I looked around the playground at the other mother’s, sitting closely with their kids, reading…and listening, and I wondered if they ‘feel’ this stuff…if they know how truly lucky they are? I hope so….

Watching the other kids rush off to grab one of their friend’s books, eager and excited about reading each others story opened my eyes to how we can all be interested in each others lives.  To encourage one another….

We are all an integral part of each others stories, each others life….more than we know….and we can influence how each others chapters play out.

I only had to read Dempsey’s BFF Marlee’s dedication…written by the hand of a wise 10 year old, to teach me that’s it’s important to be there for one another…

"This book is dedicated to my Best Friend Dempsey because she is always there for me."

And sometimes, when I line up at Walmart with my shopping trolley brimming with groceries, I look around at the other people in the queue…wondering what their stories are?

Wondering what challenges they face or how they fill their days...and...I smile at them if they catch me!! :)

Yes, everyone has a story….

Sometimes I wish I could re-write a few of my chapters…but I can’t…..I can only learn from them and take these lessons into each new chapter I am gifted with…every single day.

Alone in my joy, sitting on that uncomfortable wall, I realized, it’s up to me to add color and meaning and joy and fun stuff to my days ahead…...like Dempsey has done in her book….


P.S; I've written my story...a manuscript...my journey of how I survived the loss of my sister Tarnia, my mum and our 4 year old beautiful daughter Savannah...I hope one day I can publish it to help others to know you can find beauty again....and choose a happy ending.... :) x

Mother's Day for me.....and a thank you! x

Today's post is for Kelle Hampton...for honoring me and my humble blog on her inspiring blog and for all that she does with her amazing writing of her journey for all of us....on this twisted journey of beautiful moments strung together we call life.... Thank you Kelle, I don't have the words.... love Diana x  http://www.kellehampton.com/2012/05/your-stories-we-bloom.html


This morning I didn’t want to open my eyes…

It’s Mother’s Day! One of my hardest days every year…

However, as I write this, as Mother’s Day draws to an end, I have to say I’ve had a good day.   And I’ve realized, it’s our children that become our legacy when we are no longer here.  It’s what we instill in them every single day that matters….and for me, I want nothing more than my daughter to be confident, happy and capable of slaying dragons if she ever meets one. I’ve been fortunate to have been given that gift from my Mum.

I can no longer call my adored Mum…they don’t have phone lines to heaven….

I miss hearing her laughter and her encouraging advice on days like today--when I miss our daughter Savannah who should be here to love me on Mother’s Day.

But I know I can’t change that, so instead, I try to channel my Mum’s amazing spirit into my day and incorporate her life lessons and be appreciative that I AM a mum, I have Dempsey, and I did have Savannah…even if it was for only a short while….I am still her Mamma…I always will be.

This was taken on Mother's Day a few weeks after we found out Savannah had her terminal illness


I also think of my sister’s children.

They don’t get to wake up and give their mum a hug, or make her a token gift from school or pick a flower or make her breakfast in bed….

Instead, they make their Dad a card on mother’s day, unlike all the other kids in their class. 

My sister's 4 beautiful children that she left behind...they fill my blue cup with sunshine! :)


However, I’ve learned from them with their ‘no fear’ attitude to life, what it means to be brave and accept that life sometimes throws us curve balls…but its how we choose to meet those unexpected balls is what matters.  Whether we duck, run for cover…or meet the challenge head on and dare life to test our strength.

And on this Mother’s Day, I do confront a triple whammy in that my sister, mum and daughter aren’t here...I cry and I feel sorry for myself….but it never lasts all day.   How can it when you have a real live ball of wonder, who stands 4 foot tall and makes you feel like everyday is Mothers Day.

I’ve learnt from both my daughters…from Savannah when she was dying…unconditional love…that our children only really want our time.   Time to sit with them, to curl up and read stories…to leave those dishes soaking and enjoy a volley of tennis out on the road instead….that a child’s arms around your neck in a tight hug can be taken from you in a heartbeat…and that sloppy kisses are one of life’s true treasures......

From the instant we become Mother’s our soul changes…as women, we finally understand what it means to love something so fiercely…its scary…we understand life’s wealth isn’t wrapped up in a shopping bag or a bank account, but in our most prized possessions…our children.

I’m also aware on this Mother’s Day there are so many ‘want to be so badly’ mothers out there…who must find this day as hard as a mamma who has had to bury her child. But we can’t change our circumstances…only how we see them…

Today, I can choose to be a Debbie Downer all day, a Negative Nancy…or I can make a choice to learn from my daughter’s…to enjoy a great meal tonight….to sip that fine wine slowly and savor it…..to watch the sunset sink into the horizon….to value that hug from my child like it’s the last I’ll ever get…..to thank my husband for making my day special…to delight in the presence of my friends who have lovingly thought of me today and sent texts and emails…..

I only got to spend 3 Mothers Days with Savannah, and that will never be enough…however, Dempsey is alive and reminds me sometimes hourly, that life is worth living and that beauty is in the little bits.

It’s funny, we have an ongoing argument on who loves who more…I tell her I always will cos I’m her Mamma…and I tell her, “One day Dempsey, one day, when you’re a Mamma, you’ll understand……”

I’d like to leave you with Dempsey’s words…that she’s written to me…from a 9 years olds perspective.   Hidden amongst her big girl writing is a message on Mother’s Day, that life is truly worth every heartache, every joy, every challenge and the wonders of what tomorrow may bring….

“Well, I love you more than ANYTHING! Like….I love you more than ice-cream, I love you more than cake, I even love you more when you make the biggest mistakes.

I love you more than big dogs, I love you more than tiny cats, I even love you more than your favorite place to shop at.

I love you, I love you not, I love you a little, I love you a lot. And no matter what, I will love you more, you make me better when I’m sad or bored…

And that is why you are the best mom ever. Just so you know, we will always be together!”


Happy Mother’s Day to all Mums…who meet all sort of challenges, every single day…to all women...aunts, to cousins, to friends…and to Dad’s who sometimes have to do both jobs…. x

Wishing you Sunshine if your cup has been blue today. X

Pennies from Heaven..Happy Birthday Tarnia x

I found a penny today
Just lying on the ground.

But it's not just a penny,
this little coin I've found.

When an Angel misses you,
They toss a penny down.

Sometimes just to cheer you up,
To make a smile out of your frown.

So, don't pass by that penny,
When you're feeling blue. It may be a penny from heaven,
that an Angel's tossed to you.


Today is my sister Tarnia’s birthday….AND…it’s been a good day!

Tarnia and her husband Tone

Maybe it’s because I started the day off with an early morning Skype with her oldest son Alexander.

I told him I hope he does something fun for his mum today, as that’s what she would’ve wanted…for him to be happy, for her husband Tone and all her children to be happy.

And that fuels me to be there for them…to help them shine in life with encouragement and love like she would’ve done….

I miss her kids being over here in the USA.  I love them like my own and feel lucky for the 4 precious gifts in her children that she’s left with us.

Driving Dempsey to school this morning I thought of her, how I’d have called her today and reminded her with a smile in my voice, how much older than me she is! :)

I also know I’d be on the call for at least an hour as she loved to chat…and that made me smile.

I think Tarnia’s birthday, as it does every year, reminds me not to be complacent about life…to enjoy all the little things that she can’t take pleasure in anymore.

I rang my Dad in Australia and we chatted about what things would be like in our family if Tarnia was here…and I love that NOW, my dad shares his thoughts.

I was also surprised to hear he’d taken flowers to her grave.  Something he never does as it upsets him….I was really proud of him! Time is a great healer sometimes…..

I told Dad, especially on Tarnia’s birthday, her not being alive prompts me to be grateful that I have the life I do…a gift that keeps giving from her….

Things like….being able to wander into Dempsey’s room as the sun starts its day, to crawl into her warm bed beside her for a cuddle and have her snuggle up to me, with her head under my chin as we talk about the day ahead.

Tarnia and I always did that with my mum….every single morning…it was tradition…much to dad’s annoyance some days! :)

Nuzzling up to Dempsey reminded me of that today….that Tarnia doesn’t get to enjoy these things with her kids. It made me thankful….

And seeing Dempsey blossom into a pre-teen, or a tween as they call it these days.... This photo says it all….some days I feel so privileged that she’s mine and that I’m alive to witness it….

And since my last post, Rose and I have stumbled upon tranquility at it’s finest in the hills around my home.

We’ve hiked down rock-strewn roads, surrounded by horses and wobbly new foals and nervous squirrels and rabbits…..all the while chatting about life, our lives…sharing our stories.

                       Rose showing me this glorious flower..next time I'll get her sweet face! :)


The more time I spend with Rose the more I feel she’s similar to mum in so many ways…it’s such a gift!

She stops to look at the flowers and trees and comments on the bird life and just how beautiful our surrounds are…just like my mum would’ve, and I find myself smiling at that.

Last week she hugged me in the middle of our hike and told me she feels honored that I’m her friend…..and I thought, “How did I get so bloody lucky to have met her?” I like to think Mum or Tarnia has sent her. :)

 My cousin Melanie and Dempsey


My cousin Melanie visited from Australia over the weekend, so I was spoilt with lots of warm hugs and deep conversation about life with Mels. She spent time with Dempsey which warmed my heart.

Even hanging the wet towels from their swim on our clothes line reminded me life isn’t to be taken for granted!  That I can do this mundane stuff that my sister can’t anymore.

And especially today, I do wish Tarnia was here, but I know that’s impossible. So instead, I make a promise to myself not to take anything for granted…yes, even if it’s pegging the washing to our line and watching it flap about in the breeze! :)

Rather than being bitter and closed off to life because of what’s happened to our family, or the fear of what ‘might’ happen…I choose to inhale all of life’s ups and downs and let them teach me how to be appreciative.  Yes, today Tarnia has given me that gift of awareness...of everything...

Tarnia always wanted to be a teacher…she went to Uni, to follow that dream.  And today she is one of my greatest teachers, a guide for me on this twisting path of life….to remind me to be happy, to be grateful and to pay it forward to others….to share.

This afternoon, Peter arrived home early from work, wanting to go to Lowes Hardware…I yawned at the thought of Lowes, but went anyway.

And as I stepped out of our car in Lowe’s parking lot, there on the ground at my feet was a dirty old penny, lying in my path. I picked it up, smiled and said to Peter, “I think this is a penny from heaven….from Tarnia!”

“Yeah right Dee!” was his answer..:)

Well, I like to think that on Tarnia’s birthday, she sent her little sister a sign…to remind me to laugh, to enjoy every second and always, always to believe she’s around….

Happy Birthday Tarnia!  Miss you! x

P.S; we’d need a fire brigade to put out your candles this year! :) x

Letting strangers in.....

Do you think strangers come into our lives for a reason?

Yesterday, a chance meeting made me question whether I believe that things….or people, appear like magic when we need that little extra something…..

I’ve discovered on my journey of challenges and grief that who we surround ourselves with, who we hold on to, can have a huge effect on surviving, well, almost anything.

Yesterday I took Dempsey to our favorite park.  Purple wisteria vines were dripping with blossoms.

It’s difficult to describe wisteria’s unique beauty and perfume unless you’ve seen one in full bloom.

They make me think of my mum…one of her favorite things...

So with the sun warming my back, feeling kinda surrounded by Spring, I took out my book, watching Dempsey unpack her shovel and pail and jump rope.

A young couple sat behind me, their newborn in a stroller parked up beside them…the wife sitting cross legged on a blue rug while her husband read her verse out of the Bible…I should’ve known it wouldn’t be a normal park outing!! :)

Dempsey is like a magnet with other kids….it wasn’t even five minutes after we arrived when a pretty little blonde girl shyly buddied up to her…and as you do when you’re that age, you become fast friends.

I sat there watching Demps interact with this little girl, sharing her skipping rope…smiling and making small talk.

Usually, watching her with other kids’ manages to squeeze my heart…that her sister isn’t here.

And while yelling to Dempsey to make sure she shared, an older lady sitting not far away spoke up…in my direction!

The conversation went like this….

“Are you Australian? I’m Rose by the way…”

“Yes, I am….but we live here.”

“Oh, I thought so, is your husband Australian too? Do you have family live close by?”

“No, my husband is an Aussie too. We don’t have any family here, just friends…”


For the next few minutes we chatted....until the lady’s next question.

“Gee, you must miss your Mum?”

Now this is when it gets funny, because I usually hide my story or who I am from strangers, you know, leave ‘stuff’ out, the sad ‘stuff’….especially with ones I meet in a park!

But this lady had such a warm energy about her; she reminded me of my mum…I could tell she was kind and loving from her smile and her warm energy.

So I told her that yes, I miss my mum every day, but that she died a while ago now.

And I don’t know why I do this when I tell people that but I sorta felt awkward, like this lady would feel uncomfortable and make an escape within seconds.

But she didn’t.

She got up, walked over and started chatting more to me. Asking me whether I had a sister….which I thought was odd, that she didn’t ask about a brother or my dad?

And automatically, I sort of made this weird giggle, nervous sound….as I contemplated…should I tell her about my sister Tarnia? And it was strange but I felt very comfortable with this lady….so I shared.


However, she didn’t run away, she kept talking, asking me what happened to Tarina….did she have children etc etc.

Then she said her daughter had lost a child last year, a premmy of 28 weeks.   And she told me how awful it was to lose a child.   And I wanted to say, “I know!”   And for a while I listened and comforted her and the conversation turned to…. “Is Dempsey your only child?”

It only took a second to decide I’d share Savannah’s story…  But I always feel awkward, telling strangers about all 3 of my losses, it usually turns me into some sort of freak.

And I could see behind her sunglasses, her eyes were full of tears.

What she did next surprised me and I’ve never had a stranger do it but she said… “Oh I feel like I should give you a hug…can I?”

I almost leapt out of my seat.

She hugged me so hard my neck clicked! :)

We sat together for the next 2 hours talking about life and I felt like I’d had a chat with my mum.

Dempsey was happily playing on the slide with Rose’s granddaughter when I realized we had to go. Rose then piped up and said  “Would you like to go to lunch next week?”

I patted her shoulder and told her she was sweet to ask, but I felt odd…here was this stranger, reaching out, offering me support....in the middle of a park on a sunny Spring afternoon…and I wondered, “Do I let this stranger into my life?”

She rummaged through her hand bag for a pen, asking me for my number….”Maybe if you don’t want to do lunch, we can go walking together? I’d really like that” she said.

And I didn’t even hesitate before I answered “I’d like that too!”

When I got into my car, I choked up, my eyes filled with tears as I waved Rose goodbye. I don’t know why, probably because she reminded me so much of my mum and what I’m missing…also, talking about everything sometimes have a habit of stirring up old emotions.

But Rose didn’t have an agenda, just another mother who is caring, who took the time to offer support to a stranger. Who has the ability to make a difference…we all do…

Rose text me this morning and we’re going walking tomorrow…around the hills near my home. :)


Sometimes old friends help us through our ‘stuff’ and sometimes its new friends. For in the blink of an eye life can change…we just hold on and see where this journey takes us…

The 'Easy Button'

“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” ~Kenji Miyazawa

Last Friday in Australia, my gorgeous nephew Fraser participated in his school Deb. For anyone who doesn’t know what a ‘Deb’ is, it’s a Debutante Ball…similar to a Prom.

It’s when a girl and a boy are formally introduced to society through a night of dancing, Ball room dancing, like the waltz…and of course they get decked out in their finest gear. It’s a bit old fashioned, but in Oz, I think it’s an excuse for teenagers to party. :)


Fraser is my sister’s second son. He was only five when she was killed….he’s affectionate, always gifting me with the biggest squeezes. I adore him.

So when he emailed me, saying he wished I could be at his special night, my heart strings were yanked. I wished I could’ve been there too….but when you live on the other side of the world it’s almost impossible. And I hate that I miss out on these things for my sister’s children. 

On the night of the Deb, Fraser emailed me a photo of him and Laura, his pretty girlfriend….preened and oh so handsome in a black suit….and Laura looked liked she just stepped out of a fairytale book.

And I didn’t realize how much it would hurt to see the photo of him…beaming his beautiful toothy smile!

My eyes filled with tears instantly. And I couldn’t stop weeping…..

I was sad most of Friday that I couldn’t be there for him, that I’d let him down…and also that his mum, my sister wasn’t there either to treasure these moments.   Even though his dad, his sisters, his other aunt and my dad were there to support him, I still felt sad.

And on special days or occasions, these feelings hurt.   But there’s no easy way to block out the pain….sometimes, the only exit to safety and healing is through the inferno…through the heartache and the tears.

And whilst for me, that all consuming sadness isn’t there everyday now as it once was… it does have a habit of casting a dark shadow on my world, blocking out my sunshine…like a solar eclipse. Yes, nothing about grief is easy, I wish it was….

Which brings me to the weekend….

Peter, Dempsey and I did the rounds of our local shops, finishing off at Staples, which is a stationary store here in Southern California.

Peter disappeared down the aisles looking for printer paper while Dempsey and I hung around the front of the store looking at the fun stuff they had scattered around on shelves.

Dempsey discovered a big round red plastic button that said “Easy” …which of course she couldn’t help but push.  I was surprised to hear the button exclaim in a deep man’s voice, “That was easy!” Dempsey started giggling, thinking it was funny, hitting it over and over until people started staring at us.  Then the nagging began…”Please, can we buy it Mummy?”

So along with our stack of printer paper, the ‘Easy button’ made its way along the checkout belt and into our plastic bag. The whole way home in the car, Demps constantly pushed the “Easy” button, driving me C R A Z Y!!!!

And for the past few days’, all I’ve heard is….“That was easy” seeping down the stairs from her room. And it made me think about Fraser and grief and hard days…how if only we all had an ‘Easy button’ we could push to make the hurt go away….

But to heal you have to suffer the hurt….to let it into your heart, to taste your tears or share it with a friend like I did…and understand it isn’t forever.

The Easter Holidays are just around the corner and I know the day will be reflective for me because some of my family members aren’t here….especially Savannah who loved gorging on chocolate and finding colorful eggs hidden in our yard….

I usually try and do things that make me happy….like buying these flowers that were parked up at the checkout in Vons supermarket…..

They are just so magnificent!

Is there really anything more spectacular than the spring bouquets that are around this time of year? They come with a guarantee to brighten up my mood and of course our house….

And then there’s Dempsey, who has a lifetime guarantee of eclipsing my world with her magical dimpled smile and love…..

As well as visiting Staples we dropped in at the Pet Store where Demps almost squeezed the life out of this little Easter Bunny!

You can see the adoration in her face…mine was on the other end of the camera!

And today, on the cusp of Easter, a friend who is travelling in Europe emailed me to say her dad had been killed in a farming accident in Australia….a shock and a tragedy for her.  As I write this, she's probably on a plane back to Australia...

I know her journey of grief and healing begins today.  She said her dad is the first person she’s ever lost.... My heart aches for her and her family as I know the road ahead is littered with hard stuff….

On Easter Sunday, I may just have to steal Dempsey’s ‘Easy button’ ....continue to push it…like she does....and get through another holiday making some new happy family memories….

Wishing you sunshine if your cup is blue with the upcoming holiday.... x

A few of my favorite things.... Happy Birthday Girls! XX

“Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things……” - The Sound of Music.

Today in Australia, a few of my favorite things turn 12! 

My twin nieces Emerald and Charlotte!

I can hardly believe it.

The years just seem to have melted into one another and they are almost teenagers! I miss them a lot…..

This morning, early, I read their Dad’s blog.  It was a moving read today. 
Tone says;....  “After Tarn had gone, sometimes I would stand outside my back door. With a roll-your-own-cigarette. And a home made milk stout. Missing her and that.

Pondering. She is not to be seen again, held, listened to, care for us, watch the kids grow into the people we had hoped for, share life with.

And every time now even, when I step out into the night, there is that reminder of what it is/was/is to lose that close one, Tarn. Not of where I am.” 
(http://daggydad.blogspot.com/2012/03/stars-and-fags.html)



And I know on birthdays and special days, that longing for those that are no longer here intensify and monopolizes the mind …as it has with Tone…and me today.

However, amongst the sad thoughts that my sister isn’t here, that she died when they were only 6 months old and the fact that today she would've showered her daughters with her love...with gusto….are also thoughts of joy that her two little girls are alive and have such a happy spirit…a kindness and love about them that is organic…that’s as natural to them as bees making honey. And as sweet! :)

And as time transforms that overwhelming bottomless pit of grief into one of gratefulness, I am thankful that they’re a small slice of my sister….and there’s two of them! :)

Also, that I am able to enjoy in them what I’m missing in not having my daughter Savannah here, as they are only 9 months apart…or would be.

Savannah giving Emerald a kiss... :)

Savannah loved her cousins….even from such a young age, she showered them with her kisses and love…

Savannah not leaving Charlotte out.... :)


And later, when they were around the same age, all three of them were like three cheeky monkeys…playing hide and seek and kicking up leaves in Tarnia and Tone’s big old yard.

Savannah, Emerald and Charlotte captured in Tone's yard....

And now the roles are reversed, and Emerald and Charlotte infuse their love and time on Dempsey.

Demps, Emmy and Charlotte at Xmas in OZ playing dress ups!:)

There is nothing more magical for me than having the privilege as their Aunty to have watched Em, Charlotte and Demps play for hours in our sandpit, and then Barbies came along, and Polly Pockets which morphed into Littlest Pet Shop and then of course the latest obsession…technology!

The twins and Dempsey...oh so young and cute, all of them!

Emerald and Dempsey...love this one!


Sorting through our filing cabinet, I found these beauties from my nieces when they were a lot younger…and which today they’d probably be embarrassed about! :)

But I've kept them like my sister would’ve and like I do with Dempsey’s things now…they are precious to me!


And on days like today when my heart feels heavy that their mum, my sister, isn’t here, I have to look deeper than the hurt and the pain with a panoramic view, a breathtaking view, that life truly is a miracle…they are a miracle….they could have been killed in the car crash along with my sister!

And in grief, you have to look at the glass half full…or you go crazy....

In time I’ve managed to be able to do this instead of being scared of being alone with my thoughts, like I was and as Tone mentioned...when it’s quiet at night and the stars are out and we contemplate these things….

It’s dark here now in the USA.  Tonight, like Tone I’ll go outside, and look up at the stars and think of my sister, and all four of her kids, and Tone…and my Dad today….I can allow my mind to wander there now.

But in Australia, the sun is high in the sky, and there’s two twelve year old girls that are probably giggling at school and embracing their day like there's no tomorrow…and that brings me comfort…their fine example...of being happy...no matter what their circumstances.

They fill my blue cup with sunshine…always…even if they are only 12! :)


“When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad…..”

HAPPY 12TH BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFULS!  I LOVE YOU TO THE STARS...AND BACK! XX

Life and Grief can be like a kaleidoscope......

This past week I’ve been spring cleaning.

Getting rid of ‘stuff,’ especially in Dempsey’s closet which is packed to the rafters with all sorts of things, baby blocks, stuffed animals and dress ups that’s she’s grown out of.

I always stumble upon some of Savannah’s toys…and they always pull at my heartstrings, thinking of her playing peacefully with them. Sometimes the memories hurt, and other times I smile…..

However, one of them reminded me of life, and turning points that can come in time as you travel down the long twisted path of grief.

I found her kaleidoscope. I remembered her holding it up to the light, twisting and turning the end of it…fascinated with the shapes and patterns that the glass fragments magically made.

It also reminded me of the journey of grief…how after the fragments of our lives have been shattered and our world becomes black, that over time, we start to evolve and change, and after a while, maybe a long while for some….our complex grief and hurt morphs into an appreciation of life’s gifts.  For me, how lucky I was to have had my loved one’s in my life.  That inside the heartache and turmoil lays beauty…if you look for it.

Savannah's kaleidoscope I found...

And for a long time after my loved ones died, my world became black. 

There was no color.

I couldn’t sit alone with my thoughts, I needed constant distractions. I was afraid of my grief.....

The flashbacks were vivid and painful.  However now, most days, I can let my mind wander back down memory lane.

I’ll always have my memories….but as days turn into months and years, new memories replace the difficult old ones, and one day you do have a turning point…like a kaleidoscope, your grief slowly transforms into an appreciation for what you do have.

This week, these are some moments that made me thankful...….

While cleaning out my kitchen cupboard, I found this treasure tucked away.  Dempsey had decorated it when she was only five.

It took me back instantly, to when she was little, her shaky writing and the smiley sun made me smile.

I also revisited my guilt that I wasn’t as present for Dempsey as I should’ve been during those days, but it couldn’t be helped…some memories are hazy…a byproduct of grieving I think?

However, focusing on the here and now and building new memories help fan the embers of healing. Like last Thursday…we had Mum’s and Muffins at Dempsey’s school.

After a long line up with other mum’s, waiting patiently for a stale muffin, I got to sit with my baby on the grass, in a sunny serene spot at the school and share some time with her….precious time.  She loved it!

And then of course there’s happy hour at our house! :)

Last Friday, one of our friends made the best margaritas I’ve ever indulged in…ensuring there were plenty of laughs around our back ‘T’….and a slightly fragmented head on Saturday! :)

On Monday, we purchased some Girl Scout Cookies from my gorgeous friend Sandra.

Every year the Girl Scouts bring out a ‘special edition cookie’ this year, to my delight, and Dempsey’s, are “Savannah Smiles” and they did just that for Dempsey and me….like a message imprinted on the box from Savannah, not to forget to smile!

I also appreciated that my lovely friend acknowledged how ‘special’ they are because of our Angel.

 Dempsey has been playing around with my iPhone camera and took this photo of me.

I think some photos taken after loss are like a window to the soul....

My sister Tarnia used to say with a smile, “Photos don’t lie Diana!” (always when they captured a crappy image of me…I think because she was so photogenic! :))

And when I looked at this photo, I remembered her words.

I can see a difference in my eyes, how they’ve changed.

Sometimes I see my happy innocent sparkle from ‘before’ has altered, replaced with a vulnerability and sadness that others don’t see….but Dempsey has captured here.

However, it’s like a badge of honor I wear physically.  One that show’s my soul’s ability to change and to have survived. But only I see it.  And I’m ok with that now….

Inside Savannah's kaleidoscope....


These days, I have color back in my life.

I’m mindful of the beauty all around me.....

And last night, with all that in mind, as I held Savannah’s kaleidoscope up to our kitchen light….slowly turning it, watching the pretty glass prisms take on different shapes, Dempsey appeared next to me.

“Mummy, if you shake it up, the pattern always changes. Did you know it’s never the same?”

And I had to smile at her words…a reminder to me to notice the many colors and transformations grief and life often bring.

That there are turning points, where the days become colorful again amongst the black and white…that challenges and grief evolve, like the complex patterns trapped inside Savannah’s toy, with twists and turns we are altered and transformed, now aware of the preciousness and beauty and fragility of life through our journey’s…just like the optical illusion a kaleidoscope creates......