Grief Minefields AND Smiles - Happy Birthday Mum!

      My favorite photo of Mom and Savannah...taken only 6 months before they both got sick.




Today is my adored Mom's birthday...so HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM!


I feel like all I've been blogging about lately is birthdays, but that's my reality at the moment.  From the last week of June until the last week of July it's an emotional minefield for me.  I feel I have to sidestep and tiptoe through mines of emotions that can blow up, ruin my day or make me thankful and aware of how precious life is.  These four weeks are some of the hardest of the year for me.

But today I'm feeling great....before I even put a foot out of bed this morning I thought of my gorgeous mom and her infectious spirit and huge wide grin.  She would be disappointed if I didn't think of her today and smile and try to do something special in her memory. 

When Mom was alive and I would phone her with a sob story, she would tell me, "Darling, go look at yourself in the mirror and smile!"  It worked every time, making me appreciate that I had the life I had!  You have to try it to believe it.....sometimes, when I attempt this, I laugh out loud at the silliness of it, but it does make me smile and put things in perspective.  However, somedays, like today, I would give anything for a phone line to heaven......to hear Mom's voice one more time, hear her laugh and listen to her great outlook and philosophy on life.  I miss her so much.

          My beautiful Mom and Dad on our wedding day in Sydney Australia...a favorite memory!

When Mom was dying, almost in a comatose state, one of the hospice nurses told me that it was nice to finally meet me. She said Mom had spoken about Savannah, Dempsey and me constantly, during her chemo treatments.  “Your Mom was the star of the chemotherapy ward,” she said. “She always looked stunning, had an incredible attitude and energy. The ward lit up on the days your mother was there. Her effect on everyone was so positive and warm.”

I was happy that one of the nurses caring for her in her last days actually knew Mom, and remembered how magical a person she was, before she had become so ill and only a shell of her former self......I once read on a greeting card, ”Some people are angels, cleverly disguised as human beings.” That describes my mother perfectly!
 
Mom instilled all her values, beliefs and nurturing qualities in me...it is my privilege now, as her daughter, to pass on only good things to Dempsey.  To be a happy and grateful mother and to shower my daugther with the love I was shown...in that way, my Mom's legacy will always live on. 
 
I remember when Savannah was born, one day in the hospital, Mom held my hand, brushed the hair out of my eyes and told me....now I have my own family, that it's my responsibility to be present and cheerful and active in my children's life so they too can survive any future challenges in life they will be confronted with.
 
 

                                                Mom and Savannah at a Park in L.A

And it brings me comfort to know I'm not the only one who doesn't have their mother physically here to hug or talk to.  Just last night I received an amazing email from a lady in Tehran who read some of my writing on www.opentohope.com.  She sent me such a heartfelt message as she too misses her mom who just died, half a world away.

And it reminded me again that grief has no borders, no restriction on cultures or customs or road blocks for other countries, no matter what the religion or belief, GRIEF feels the same.  Mitra writes a blog in Persian, which intrigues me and I look forward to reading her journey from oceans away.  Here is part of her beautiful email........"Diana dear, tomorrow is your mother's birthday. I will light a candle for her. An orange one, which reminds me of the Sun. I wish you even greater relief. And I know that when required, you will let those tears come down as well. But you know better than I do, that this may make their souls sorry as well. So, cherish the loving memory of your beloved mother in the most joyous memories you have with her and from her. God bless her soul. As I am writing these lines, my mother is smiling at me from withing the frame of her photo ... And I know that nothing can frame her now. She is now timeless... Sending you much love from a still hot Tehran!"

And I find it fascinating that Mitra wrote that her mother was smiling at her from a photo as she was writing....it's like amongst those words is a message from Mom....to go look in the mirror!  So today, I'll pick a bunch of pretty white roses from Savannah's rosebush, put them in a vase next to Mom's photo, light Savannah's candle and do something fun with Dempsey in honor of her! 

I like to believe Mom is with Savannah, enjoying her birthday somewhere beautiful.......like an endless Summer's day..............

And I hope if your cup is blue or you are missing your Mom, or a beloved one, you can find comfort in my mother's words, and go look at yourself in a mirror, really look, and turn your frown upside down and SMILE! ;) x

   Mom and Savannah on the beach near Tarnia's home...I picture them there still!

This is the special candle Mithra in Tehran lit for my mum...thank you Mithra xx

Joy mixed with sorrow mixed with joy!

Eighteen years ago today I was lying on a sun lounge around a sparkling swimming pool in a quaint little village in Germany named Friedrichsdorf. A place with cobblestone streets and a busy market, and the best pizza restaurant I've ever dined in called 'Mario's'. We lived there for four years because of Peter's work. I remember it like yesterday. You see eighteen years ago today my only sister Tarnia gave birth to her first child, a son, Alexander!

I remember the Fraulein from the hotel dashing out to the pool waving a phone, telling me there was a call from Australia......I remember my Mom's excited voice exclaiming Tarnia had just given birth to a beautiful baby boy. And I remember how carefree and easy my life was back then, when all those I loved were still in my world.

So today, I'm feeling mixed emotions, I'm excited that my nephew whom I adore will become an adult, that he can do all the things he has been waiting to do. In Australia, at age eighteen you can vote, legally drive a car and most important to him, enter an establishment that serves alcohol.

     Alexander at the back in blue with my sister, Tony and bubby Fraser

Alexander was eight when his Mom died. He and his brother Fraser, who was five and his twin sisters, who were babies of only six months old, were all strapped into their car seats for what should've been a lovely trip to the beach near their home on that fateful day. We'll never know what happened on that windy deserted road that leads to a magnificent stretch of beach in Australia, where there is seashells scattered everywhere on white sand and wild rolling waves, adding to its beauty.

What we do know from Alexander is that when Tarnia's car rolled over and over and finally smashed into a huge gum tree, the car ended up on its roof. I try not to think of the chaos that would've been going on in the car with all four children hanging upside down.....the twins screaming, Fraser crying, how terrifying it would've been. Also, how brave Alexander was at such a young age, courageously kicking out the car window and running to the road , flagging down the first passing car. What an amazing little boy he was!

He hasn't changed, over the past ten years I've watched him grow and mature into an amazing young adult, seemingly unaffected by the loss of his loved Mom and grief!

Alexander worked hard and entered an exclusive private school in Australia with a scholarship and went on to become an honor student. He diligently works two jobs, delivering medications on his pushbike around his town for the local pharmacist and washing dishes, as a 'dish pig' as he says, at a local restaurant.  He's been like another adult in his family after Tarnia's tragic death, caring for his little sisters and showing such responsibility the past ten years.  And at the end of this year he'll be off to University somewhere......

I can only conclude that his strength of character is because of how amazing the human spirit is. That we can seem to bounce back and strive to be better, even through such a significant life changing loss. Along with a supportive loving family and the counselling he had through his school after Tarnia died, leads me to believe he will continue to thrive and accomplish great things in his life and meet any challenge he is faced with in the future.

    My dad with the my sister's kids and Dempsey, taken Christmas Day 2009. Alexander in blue!

I love him like my own son and feel happiness for him today, swirled and mixed around with a sadness that Tarnia isn't here to hug him or tell him how very much she loves him as she always did.

And usually, when I phone him on his special day, I remind him where I was was when he came into this world, of the pool and Germany and how besotted his Mom was when he was born....and every year he laughs and tells me "Yeah, yeah, I know, you were sitting around a pool in Germany right?" And we both laugh!

But today when I call, on his eighteenth birthday into adulthood, I'll tell him the things his Mom can't. Like how special I think he is and how if his beloved Mom was alive she would be just so so so proud of who he has become. He's never talked about the accident with me, just of how he misses his Mom some days........

I'm sure if she can, Tarnia will be sending him some sign from heaven to make him aware, that somehow, she knows and misses him too! x

      Tarnia and Alexander..........

Grateful in grief!

My new year starts today!  Yesterday was Savannah's birthday and I cried enough tears for the rest of the year, so I'm stating a fresh this morning...the 1st of July.

Special days are always tough and today I woke feeling like I had been rolled through an old fashioned wringer washing machine.  My whole body aches and my eyes feel like they are hanging out of my head.  Savannah's eleventh birthday was one of my hardest yet, it's not getting easier as time marches forward.  I thought it would by now.

However, yesterday, amongst all MY sadness and feelings of longing for my baby were feelings of gratitude, love and support.....and I have to be grateful for that.  I'd like to share my day and share how my friends, who are like family to me, made Savannah's birthday almost as special as if she was here. 

A girlfriend of mine, an old school friend, whom I've reconnected with read my blog about Savannah and how I don't know what it is that eleven year old's like these days....her daughter is the same age as Savannah, so she emailed me................."I've just finished reading your articles and I often think about the things that you are missing. Rather than feel sorry or guilty that I am experiencing all the wonderful and sometimes annoying parts of living with an eleven year old, for better or worse I wanted to share with you some of my experiences." 

Vicki wrote the most beautiful long email about her daughter, what books she reads, what TV shows she watches, what music she listens to and how messy her room is, amongst other information that is so priceless to me.  I cried as I read it, tears mixed with sadness and fascination and wonder at a little peek into what Savannah might be like if she was here.  It was difficult to write a thank you note back.  It was hard to convey in words how much her email meant to me and how grateful I was she took the time to write it.  How very very special of her and something so simple! :)

While eating my breakfast my neighbor Renee stopped by, giving me the biggest hug and a beautiful frame about mothers.....I gave her a wet shoulder from all my tears.  Then after breakfast I took Dempsey to our local park where we raced each other on the swings, Demps giggling the whole time at how high she was going, with the wind whipping her long hair....and I felt grateful.  Toys R Us was next where she picked out a toy for her big sister.  I let her roam the aisles until she found the perfect gift.  "I think Savannah would like this Mommy,"  she told me....and I had to smile when I read the tag hanging off it's ear......it almost sounds like heaven I thought to myself. :)

                                  Dempsey's gift for Savannah


Then it was off to Von's Supermarket to pick out Savannah's balloons.  Dempsey drove the florist insane with her constant changing of balloon colors......but then hey, she's a female right :)  I carefully drove home with a trunk full of helium balloons and Dempsey itching to get in the door and draw pictures and a note on them for her sister.  I wrote on them too, with love from mommy and daddy.......

                        Demps drew a different animal on each balloon and a message to Savannah 


A friend arrived with a cheerful bunch of sunflowers and and a letter about physics and how there's a concept about Energy.....how it's believed that someones energy is not lost after they die, just transformed....how my angels energy is probably creating miracles everywhere, along with others who have passed.  It was beautifully written and so heartfelt, I was grateful that this friend took the time!

Then Peter arrived home to an impatient Dempsey at the door, eager to send the balloons to heaven to her sister.  To me, letting go of the balloons symbolizes her soul being freed from her body.   And so we stood in our yard, watching the balloons float away higher and higher, blown this way and that by errant winds, until we couldn't see them anymore.

And I imagined that Savannah was waiting for them, up in heaven where there is no pain, with my adored Mom and my sister Tarnia and I felt grateful for Dempsey’s ear to ear grin as she loudly yelled “Happy Birthday Savannah!”

Peter and I shared a quiet dinner, he, not sharing his thoughts as usual with me, and me accepting that was OK, even if it is painful on special days.  And then our doorbell rang and we received the most delicate bunch of pretty pink and yellow roses for Savannah from a special family in Australia who send them every year.....again I was grateful and cried reading the message they had sent.  I rang my Dad in Australia and for once, he got emotional, and we both cried, then he told me he loved me and to take care.  It meant so much to me.

            Savannah's shelf with her candle lit yesterday and the beautiful flowers she received

We got emails, texts, cards and phone calls.....and I survived the day the best way I could, which is all we can do really on those terribly hard days like birthdays.

And this morning after re-reading all Savannah's messages it occurred to me one emotion, apart from the tears and sadness and heartache, that was present in abundance yesterday, was a feeling of being so so GRATEFUL.  I know I can't bring Savannah back, I can't change what happened to her, but I can choose to be grateful for my beautiful friends who made her day special for us.  I can't imagine her birthday with no-one acknowledging it....how painful that would be.

So today is my new year!  I'm going to take the energy and love and strength that my friends gave me yesterday, from all those who are important in my life who made a difference to us on Savannah's birthday, and be happy and grateful for what I do have right here in front of me. 

And as I'm typing Demps is giggling in the background with a friend as they play our Wii, the birds are chirping, the sun is shining.....and thanks to my friends support, so am I today!  My blue cup is sunny and overflowing! :) :)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


This article was published on the website http://www.hellogrief.org/grateful-in-grief-reflections-on-my-daughters-birthday/  Hellogrief has some great articles that can help anyone travelling through the journey of grief. x

"One joy scatters a hundred griefs - Chinese Proverb"

I've been watching the calender that's hanging on our fridge, June has a photo of a magnificent sunset of orange, pinks and yellow...the quote on it reads "One joy scatters a hundred griefs. - Chinese Proverb"    Underneath the picture the 30th is circled with big black sharpie and I've written,  Savannah 11!  Wednesday is quickly sneaking up on me. 

Usually in the days leading up to her birthday I'm in a sadness rut, all doom and gloom.  I'm usually in a dark pit where I wish someone could throw me a magic ladder to climb up and out of it.

One of the ways I cope when I start to get that gloomy feeling come over me is to put the thought aside, try not to think of it, denial to some, but survival to me!  Every time a sad thought creeps into my mind, sometimes, when I feel strong enough, I tell myself STOP!  I consciously choose to bury the thought, to think happy thoughts and appreciate what I do have...its working so far today :)

This morning I woke up with this sudden blast of creative energy, it's weird!  But then I know with grief there are no rules.  So I'm taking advantage of this feeling today, staying busy and motivated and doing something productive with this rush of vitality that is running through my veins.

I had a mixed weekend, where I laughed and cried for Dempsey.  I had an overwhelming feeling of love for her yesterday.  You see yesterday we took her to Tom's Farm.  It's a farm just off the concrete jungle of L.A freeways, where there's a small petting zoo, a busy farmers market, a train ride and an old fashioned carousel.  Dempsey made a special hat to wear on our outing, with red spots she drew and carefully cut out then stuck on top with sticky tape.....it made me smile and made Peter cringe.  "She's not wearing that is she Dee? Peter asked me. :) 

       Peter and Demps on the train, Peter was cringing at Dempsey in her silly hat :)

Watching the enormous smile on her face yesterday as she rode the carousel filled my blue cup with sunshine!  Something so simple as a kids carnival ride made my heart swell with love and gratefulness for my little girl.  I wish I could bottle the feeling and give it away as a gift!

However, the afternoon brought tears.....Demps had one of her days where she felt lonely and begged me for a little brother or sister...told me how unfair it is that she has no-one to play with and that she wants Savannah back!  THOSE moments swamp me with sadness and my heart aches for her.  All I could do was cuddle her and wipe her tears away and tell her sometimes life isn't fair!  And as she was crying and blubbering and whining, one of her baby teeth fell out.  Her mood changed instantly into one of excitement that the Tooth Fairy would be visiting our house last night. :)

And this is where my tears appeared.  Last night I quietly crept into her bedroom to swap the tooth for a dollar bill, and I noticed she had carefully written and taped a note to the Tooth Fairy on the glass with her tiny tooth inside.  The note read;  From Dempsey  How many fairies do you live with?  Dear tooth fairy, I want to be friends.

My eyes burned with tears that she is so lonely and I can't fix the problem, that she had to write to the bloody Tooth Fairy and ask to be friends!  So last night I fell asleep with teardrops soaking my pillow....but awoke today to Dempsey running into our room waving the dollar bill, with a huge grin that could fix any melancholy mood!


And I find when I have days that are up and down like a yoyo, the following day can be filled with this energy I'm feeling today....I'm wondering if anyone else can explain this phenomenon....or maybe its just me!  I'm not going to question it though....I've already done two loads of laundry, a work out, a blog and am sitting here enjoying the sounds of my beautiful girl playing the piano in the background!

Maybe the calender is right....One joy scatters a hundred griefs!  Wishing you sunshine today if your cup is blue! :) x

       Dempsey and me after the carousel ride at Tom's Farm yesterday :)

ps;  and I can see I better clean my fridge :)

The ambush!

At the moment I should be doing a 1000 word essay on inequality in society, instead I decided to fill in a survey that just popped into my inbox from the MISS Foundation (a foundation that provides support for grieving parents and families). 

It's a gorgeous summer morning here, with a slight breeze.  My neighborhood dogs are barking in the background as I'm typing.  Ten minutes ago I completed the survey with tears pouring down my face to the point where I couldn't read what I was typing.

At the beginning of the survey there was a warning that the following questions may bring back feelings of pain and sadness.  I had no idea answering a few questions would take me back in time and have such a profound effect on me.  However, I hope I've helped give this doctor an insight into what it's like to lose a child and how the pain is still present and still manages to simmer under the surface of someone grieving, yes, even after six years.

And yesterday I had another doctor call me and ask if I was interested in participating in her study for grieving parents.  I briefly told her a small version of my losses, as brief as you can be when trying to describe how my life fell apart over the last few years.......she listened with compassion which I appreciated. Unfortunately she said I wouldn't qualify for the study because they are looking for people taking anti depressants or are prepared to do a trial with placebo's and anti depressant medication.

You see I haven't had to rely on the help of med's or a counsellor...maybe I should have or maybe I'm not really coping as well as I think I am. :) The doctor was fascinated as to how I cope on a daily basis, what some of my survival techniques are. The most important one I told her was that I was fortunate to have an amazing mother who instilled inside me that I could do anything in this world I put my mind to....that I would survive my losses, especially Savannah's. I also told her I have friends who have probably saved my life by being there for me, even at times they don't know it. That hugged me and listened, truly listened without judgement or silly meaningless advice. And as I was talking I had an out of body experience, like I was talking about someone else.

She told me she found it interesting, that at a grief conference she just attended recently, most, not all, but most, people who had to take medication didn't have that same wonderful closeness with a mother or have the amazing support network of friends that I described. I found this interesting and sad that others haven't experienced what I have.


So I've been thinking about her opinion and I know some people HAVE to rely on prescribed medication and that's okay too. When you are sludging your way through the depths of despair you need any crutch you can find to help you. And I think if people aren't fortunate enough to have that support system they can seek it out in the way of counselling or support groups...to which there are many.

I did go to a counsellor once, when I couldn't decide whether to try for another IVF baby or not...what an experience that was! The woman sat opposite me swinging on her swivel chair and talking about her problems to me! I know not all counsellors are like the one I saw and I think if you find a connection with one who can help you it would be priceless.

So today I'm having a blue day, a pity party as I call it, I'm feeling exhausted and drained after crying so much!  My university assignment is sitting next to me, staring at me, needing to be attended to.  There's a sink full of dirty breakfast dishes, coco pops on our rug next to me and a washing machine full of wet clothes!  But today I think I'll seize the day!  I need a little bit of TLC, Savannah's birthday is next Wednesday and already the pain of what I know lies ahead is lurking over me like a black cloud. 

But I'm thinking, forget all the unimportant stuff, I'm going to go take a hot shower, put on some pink lipstick and something pretty and go pick up Dempsey and take her to the local open air mall where they have unique fountains that shoot water into the air.  I'm going to grab a latte, chill at the fountain and soak in the atmosphere with Dempsey and hopefully some other mom's who are naive to grief!  Superficial yes, but hopefully this will cure my case of the blues today and put some sunshine in my blue cup! :)

         Demps at the fountain's last summer!

A different Father's Day!

Today's post is in honor of those who will spend Fathers Day without their Dad and for the Mom's who don't have their husband's here on Sunday....who have to be both Mom and Dad!  x


Father's Day is this Sunday....in America!  In Australia, we celebrate it on the first Sunday in September.  However, because we live in the USA for ten months of the year we recognize the holidays here too.  So my husband Peter gets two Father's Day's!

A few days ago as I stood at the stove stirring a bubbling pot of bolognese sauce, I asked Peter if he would contribute his thoughts to my blog on what his Father's Day will be like this year without our daughter.  How he will feel and what its like for him.  His answer was typical of some males grieving.  "No, I don't want to Dee," he told me.  I then asked if I could pick his brain so I could write for him. :)  He tilted his head, smiled and changed the subject.

My Dad who I love so much is the same.  He never talks about the loss of his wife, daughter or grand daughter either.  He's old school and was taught at a young age that you don't talk about your emotions or death.  It seems even though my husband and father are generations apart their opinions on grief are the same.  Just bury it and deal with it.....it's like they have been conditioned from a young age that to show emotion or tears is a sign of weakness!  To me, men who can honor their loss and show vulnerability shows strength and helps with the healing process after the death of a loved one.

For a long time, months, I would get frustrated and angry at Peter that he wouldn't share his most intimate thoughts with me about the loss of Savannah. 

            Peter and Savannah taken on the beach at Surfers Paradise just after she got sick



On many special days like Savannah's birthday he wouldn't even acknowledge it, just kiss me goodbye on his way to work......as if it was like any other day, as I stood in the kitchen with tears pouring down my face, sobbing!  He seemed to be adjusting to life without Savannah fairly easily, leaving me feeling so alone and horribly isolated.  I wanted to witness his tears, to show some tangible evidence that he was feeling the same way as me.

I was afraid the widening gap, my obsession with how he didn't show any emotion over Savannah would swallow up our marriage....not realizing I was actually creating a gap that wouldn’t have existed, if I hadn’t been expecting him to be just like me, instead of accepting him as I knew him to be.

I have read that over seventy percent of marriages end after the loss of a child, scary statistics that made me reassess analyzing how Peter dealt in silence with the shared loss of our adored daughter.  I knew he loved her as much as I did and do. 

When Savannah was alive, every night when Peter got home, his face would light up when she would toddle, like a little doll into his arms.  Remembering those moments reminded me that just because NOW he wasn't crying and showing some sort of physical proof he was suffering the way I was, didn't mean his grief was any less....just that he had learned to hide it and ignore it...to deal with it differently.  But you can't ignore grief, if you don't acknowledge it and wrestle your way through it, it can come back in the form of anger and bitterness, and I see this happening occasionally with other men I know who have lost a loved one.

However, I've accepted Peter's way of coping, he will always be Savannah's Daddy and will always love her and miss her as much as me.  But that doesn't mean I'll stop trying to find opportunities to allow him to let me into his mindset and help him get through the hardest thing as a married couple we will ever have to face. 

So today I bought a lovely Father's Day card from Dempsey AND Savannah.  Dempsey will write inside it, probably something funny that will make Peter smile, and she'll sign her sisters name because she isn't here to do it.

                         One of my favorite photos of Peter and Dempsey


I know that Peter will be missing his other daughter on Sunday, even if he won't outwardly express it.  And, even though Savannah won't be with Peter physically on Father's Day, we'll make it extra special for him....he will always be a dad to TWO daughters, even though only one is here to spoil him.

My present to me today! :)

I just received the most beautiful beautiful photo from Carly for Savannah...I can't wait to buy a magnificent frame for it.

Carly's son Christian died so she has created a legacy for others who have lost someone.

Her Grief Effect projects are all amazing too.  She takes requests for names to be written in the white sands of my native Australia.  You can find her blog here;

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/


and her Grief Effect projects can be found here;

http://thegriefeffect.blogspot.com/

Thank you Carly, for putting sunshine in my blue cup today! x

Believing in psychics and coincidences!

The strangest things have happened the past two days which makes me wonder if my family members who are no longer here are trying to contact me and let me know my wish of visiting a psychic is about to come true........its so bizarre that I just posted about this!

It all started yesterday when a friend, whom I love dearly, contacted me to say they were thinking of Savannah because it will be her birthday soon, also that they had read my blog and that it reminded them not to sweat the small stuff in life. I was so grateful they had shared their thoughts with me, it reinforced to me again that even though Savannah isn't here, because of her death, she continues to inspire others. It was also an opportunity to talk about my gorgeous little girl who I miss so much.

So this is where it gets interesting......tonight, on our way to dinner, Savannah's special song that I would sing to her, which she loved, titled Landslide, came on the radio in the car.  It made me smile, and wonder if she was in on the conversation about her yesterday.

Play Me! :)

Then, while sitting at Red Robin Restaurant with Dempsey, gorging on a hamburger my sisters song came on the speakers, one that I've heard twice now in the past month, drowning out the noise of the other diners, and making me wonder. And then tonight, with Demps finally in bed, I was channel surfing and came across a show about a psychic. "What a coincidence!" I thought.

I watched this show with goosebumps, the psychic was amazing, knowing how each of her guests loved ones had passed away and seeming to know how the guest was feeling. I wished I could somehow will myself off our comfortable couch and through the TV, onto her show for a reading. :)

So just now, I did a google search on this psychic and they are LOOKING for guests on her upcoming show, get this, IN THE LAST WEEK OF JUNE, Savannah's week! Here in California!

So I've just sat here in the darkness, with my laptop, with trembling hands, typing out my story to ask if she will read me....coincidence......it makes me wonder?

God knows I have enough beloved family members on the other side, that if possible, can make this happen. We'll see if my instincts are right and I'm about to get a gift for my baby's birthday on the 30th of June............stay tuned ........... :)

Would you want to know?

Last night I tucked Dempsey into bed, snuggled beside her, smoothing her forehead.  Peter usually carries her piggyback style up the stairs when its bedtime.  But Peter's away working so I had the pleasure of some 'Dempsey time' on her bed, with all her webkinz toys invading my space. :)

"Mommy today is Aunt Erice's anniversary isn't it?" she asked. 

I wondered where this question would lead as she sometimes seems obsessed with death.....but then who could blame her, right?

"Yes Precious, today is Aunt Ercie's third year anniversary,"  I told her while stroking her blonde hair.

"So when is Nannie's anniversary?" came the next question.

"Nannies anniversary is November 14," I replied.

"And Savannah's is January 14, right Mommy?" she added.

"Yes, Darlin, Nannie and Savannah are both 14th's."  Her next question made me smile.

"So I wonder Mommy when MY anniversary will be?"  she asked.

I wrapped my arms around her, throwing out a webkinz leopard toy from underneath me....."You don't have to worry about YOUR anniversary,"  I told her, adding that she would live a long happy life and probably be an old lady when HER anniversary came.

"Wouldn't it be good Mommy if you knew when your anniversary would be?  I have so much I want to do, so I'd really love to know when it'll be my date,"  she added with a yawn.

And as I pulled the blankets up to her chin, kissed her smiling face and turned off her light I wondered........... What if I could look into a crystal ball and find out when it will be my time to die?  Would I want to know?  Would I want to know how it will happen?  Would I have wanted to know all that I know now and would it have made a difference to how I had handled things?

I'm not scared of death, after watching two people I love fight to 'live' then take their last breaths, at peace with dying, I no longer fear what will happen when its my time to leave this beautiful earth.  I kinda figure there is enough of my loved ones on the other side waiting for me, hopefully, there to welcome me.

When our daughter Savannah took her last breath she opened her eyes as wide as she could, like she was seeing something, or someone, then she slowly closed them and was gone.  Take into account that for two days prior to this she had been sedated with morphine, that her enormous blue eyes had been shut....it makes me wonder if my Mom, her Nannie whom she adored, was somehow present during those last few moments of her little life.....ready to take her by the hand and lead her some place magnificent where there is no pain and an abundance of sunshine, where she could run and dance and enjoy all the beautiful things we have on this earthly place, free from her horrific disease.

I like to believe that's what Savannah saw before she died.  Her Nannie, with her arms out stretched, telling her not to be afraid, that everything would be okay!  As I had for hours before she left us.

So I'm not scared of my own mortality, more of what I'll miss out on if I'm not here.  Like seeing what Dempsey will become in life and hearing her laugh and watching her grow into an amazing human being and making a difference somehow in this world because of the grief our family has suffered.

I think if someone put a crystal ball in front of me tonight and told me I have an opportunity to mess with fate, to know if it is cancer, or a big bus, a plane crash or old age that will take me.  I think I'd have to decline.  Because through losing so many loved ones I've learned to live and love my life and what will come next for me .........even if it is more heartache.  Because that's 'life,' it's precious and fragile and so full of ups and downs, twists and turns.  And losing so many important people over the last few years has made me appreciate every second I have here so much more.

However, I'd like to visit a psychic someday, someone who knows nothing about me that could give me clarity on my beliefs that my loved ones are only a spiritual plane away, that they know how I feel and protect me and my family. 

A few years ago I did have an encounter with a psychic, by chance, where she spoke of a little golden curly haired girl dancing and twirling in a field of flowers...she filled my blue cup with sunshine and gave me hope to BELIEVE.......but then that's another story! :)

Surviving the month of June!

I hate the month of June, it brings with it challenges where it seems I don't have choices.  So I gear up for what I know will be a hard month, it's like a war on my soul. 

The first few days brings sadness as it marks my beloved Aunt Ercie's anniversary this Saturday.  Three years ago she was killed in a horrific level crossing train crash in Australia that took eleven lives and injured twenty three others.

Precious Aunt Ercie and me six months before she died.

Just when I thought our family had suffered all the tragedies they could, we were hit with another one, so shocking that I thought I would be prepared for the next death that I would be confronted with, that I would have the tools to cope.  But I've learned death and grief are always the same, no matter how many times you face them, it is always painful and manages to shut down your world. 

In the days after the crash when we didn't know if Aunt Ercie survived or not, it was another intense trip of shock, disbelief and hope, where I survived on dry toast and family phone calls, updating me with any news and then finally, confirming our worst fears....that precious Aunt Ercie wasn't amongst the survivors.

And I haven't written about Aunt Ercie before as its difficult and unbelievable that our family should suffer so many losses, but I've learned there are no rules in who or when your next beloved will depart this life.  I think knowing that NOW, makes me appreciate every single day so much more.

After Mom died, Aunt Ercie filled a gaping hole in my life.  She became like another mother to me, calling me from Australia every two weeks without fail and knowing, somehow, all my important hard dates on which she would call and fill my blue cup with sunshine, listening to my sobs over the phone and offering her love as best only she could.  I was amazed that my seventy-nine year old Aunt would take the time and be so so kind.  I miss her calls so much now.

I was lucky to have spoken to Aunt Ercie two days before she died, she was excited about the train trip to see her daughter Heather and I still wonder about fate and whether God, or whoever really does have a plan for us all.  You see Aunt Ercie only ever travelled First Class, but this fateful day she chose not to.....the First Class carriage passengers all survived!  And the train didn't leave on time, it waited for a ticketed passenger that never showed up, that MAYBE, would've made a difference to the timeline and how the accident happened.  I will always wonder!

But I take comfort in knowing I always thanked Aunt Ercie for her calls and told her how much she meant to me, another lesson I've learned through loss.  And, because of her kindness I have reconnected with her daughters, my cousins, who have become like sisters to me......grief has brought us together.  So this week, its payback time for all the special calls Aunt Ercie made to me.  I'll contact her children and offer my support and we'll reminisce about their generous Mom whom I miss too.  I still have a message on our answering machine from her a few days before she died, which I'll listen to as it soothes my soul and now, makes me smile.

And then there's the last day of June, which will be Savannah's eleventh birthday.  A day she won't be able to celebrate with us ever again.  I wonder what it is that eleven year old girls like these days and I imagine what it would be like to have her friends running around our home, making a mess and  giggling.  Where brightly wrapped presents should be stacked up on our table waiting for her to rip open.....I will always wonder!

Savannah's 4th birthday, also her last.  

So I think I'll just skip this month of June, pretend it doesn't exist.........or.......confront my sadness head on and tackle it and turn it into something positive......I guess we'll see! x

Today's post is in honor of my beautiful Aunty Ercie and her four children - Kaye, Heather, Lynne and Allen...I love you all x