Eight is GREAT!

Yesterday we got home from an action packed weekend in Monterey, four blissful days of no cooking, or cleaning, laundry or blogging....so it's time to catch up. 

Dempsey's eighth birthday was more than I could've hoped for.  And on the last night of our little holiday in Monterey, Dempsey gave me an eighth birthday gift that I will remember until I'm an old lady, if I make it that far. :) But more of that later!

The morning of Dempsey's birthday I made a concerted effort to be open and conscious of taking in every second and relishing in whatever the day would bring.  It didn't disappoint, I had many moments of gratitude so I wanted to share.......

                       The birthday girl before her party!


By eleven am, the sky was cloudless, a heavenly blue like an untouched canvas waiting to be painted.  I'd organized a pool party with ten of her little girlfriends.  So, after lots of photo opp's, (which Dempsey hated!), we tied balloons to the letter box, filled pink bowls with chips and sour gummy worms and waited for the troops to arrive.

I watched nine sweet smiling faces arrive, dragging beach bags and brightly wrapped gifts with ribbons and cards for Dempsey.  Their faces adorned with enormous smiles and excitement and innocence...the essence of life itself in each tiny bikini.  All of them....with the capacity to just be happy and enjoy the moment.  They could teach us all what is important and real in life.

     Demps with Ava and Bella.

And I soaked in every second, watching them in their saggy bottomed swimmers with swirling arms and legs, splashing in the cool water.  I listened to them giggling, simply high on life and it filled me with happiness! 

     Dempsey and her ten little girlfriends...happy!

Then it was pizza and cake time.  As I placed Dempsey's Care Bear cake amongst the cold pizza crusts and spilt drinks, one little friend told me..."Mrs Doyle, Care Bears scare me!" ....and I had to smile at her innocence and honesty as I thought to myself, "Oh if only life could be that simple!"

      The infamous Care Bears!

I stood smiling like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland, at nine dripping wet urchins, surrounding my baby, singing "Happy Birthday, Cha Cha Cha!"  And I wished her big sister could've been there with us, however, Savannah taught me more than anyone to apprecitate these moments and be happy with simply being alive!


And then, in the distance we heard the "thump thump thump" sound of a helicopter approaching ....a friend had organized a happy birthday fly over for Dempsey and her friends.  I watched in awe as it buzzed and hovered over the pool, while ten little girls waved madly at the big bird and I found I couldn't stop smiling......WOW! 

      The helicopter fly over...how lucky!


And that pretty much summed up the day for me...three little letters, wow!   Wow at what I have, and wow that I have a healthy, happy little girl to love!  And as I tucked Demps into bed that night, I asked her what she enjoyed most about her eighth birthday....and she said "Everything Mommy...I loved everything!"  and so did I!  I know for me, making that conscious choice first thing that morning to enjoy whatever the day brought set my mind up for a happy one.

But her birthday didn't end there for me.....like I said, we travelled to Monterey, and Sunday night, sitting in a cocktail bar, surrounded by a massive fish tank and other fellow diners, I heard the soft twinkling sounds of piano music!  Then I realized....my goodness, it was Dempsey!  She had found a piano in a quiet corner of the room and had started playing.  My heart surged with pride and love and gratefulness at how fortunate I am to have her and enjoy her and how proud I am to be her mom.

And when she finished playing, the whole room went quiet, then erupted in applause...Demps stood up, took a big bow and sat down with a shy smile.  A pretty young girl of probably twenty approached the piano, handed Dempsey a five dollar bill, and then wandered over and told me how lucky I am to have such a beautiful little girl!  I blinked back my tears as I thanked her and told her......I knew! :)

Wishing you all sunshine and blue skies ahead and hoping you can just take a moment to find and enjoy a little thing in your blue cup today! :) :) x

     The only photo I got of the birthday girl and me at the end of her day!

Grief Minefields AND Smiles - Happy Birthday Mum!

      My favorite photo of Mom and Savannah...taken only 6 months before they both got sick.




Today is my adored Mom's birthday...so HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM!


I feel like all I've been blogging about lately is birthdays, but that's my reality at the moment.  From the last week of June until the last week of July it's an emotional minefield for me.  I feel I have to sidestep and tiptoe through mines of emotions that can blow up, ruin my day or make me thankful and aware of how precious life is.  These four weeks are some of the hardest of the year for me.

But today I'm feeling great....before I even put a foot out of bed this morning I thought of my gorgeous mom and her infectious spirit and huge wide grin.  She would be disappointed if I didn't think of her today and smile and try to do something special in her memory. 

When Mom was alive and I would phone her with a sob story, she would tell me, "Darling, go look at yourself in the mirror and smile!"  It worked every time, making me appreciate that I had the life I had!  You have to try it to believe it.....sometimes, when I attempt this, I laugh out loud at the silliness of it, but it does make me smile and put things in perspective.  However, somedays, like today, I would give anything for a phone line to heaven......to hear Mom's voice one more time, hear her laugh and listen to her great outlook and philosophy on life.  I miss her so much.

          My beautiful Mom and Dad on our wedding day in Sydney Australia...a favorite memory!

When Mom was dying, almost in a comatose state, one of the hospice nurses told me that it was nice to finally meet me. She said Mom had spoken about Savannah, Dempsey and me constantly, during her chemo treatments.  “Your Mom was the star of the chemotherapy ward,” she said. “She always looked stunning, had an incredible attitude and energy. The ward lit up on the days your mother was there. Her effect on everyone was so positive and warm.”

I was happy that one of the nurses caring for her in her last days actually knew Mom, and remembered how magical a person she was, before she had become so ill and only a shell of her former self......I once read on a greeting card, ”Some people are angels, cleverly disguised as human beings.” That describes my mother perfectly!
 
Mom instilled all her values, beliefs and nurturing qualities in me...it is my privilege now, as her daughter, to pass on only good things to Dempsey.  To be a happy and grateful mother and to shower my daugther with the love I was shown...in that way, my Mom's legacy will always live on. 
 
I remember when Savannah was born, one day in the hospital, Mom held my hand, brushed the hair out of my eyes and told me....now I have my own family, that it's my responsibility to be present and cheerful and active in my children's life so they too can survive any future challenges in life they will be confronted with.
 
 

                                                Mom and Savannah at a Park in L.A

And it brings me comfort to know I'm not the only one who doesn't have their mother physically here to hug or talk to.  Just last night I received an amazing email from a lady in Tehran who read some of my writing on www.opentohope.com.  She sent me such a heartfelt message as she too misses her mom who just died, half a world away.

And it reminded me again that grief has no borders, no restriction on cultures or customs or road blocks for other countries, no matter what the religion or belief, GRIEF feels the same.  Mitra writes a blog in Persian, which intrigues me and I look forward to reading her journey from oceans away.  Here is part of her beautiful email........"Diana dear, tomorrow is your mother's birthday. I will light a candle for her. An orange one, which reminds me of the Sun. I wish you even greater relief. And I know that when required, you will let those tears come down as well. But you know better than I do, that this may make their souls sorry as well. So, cherish the loving memory of your beloved mother in the most joyous memories you have with her and from her. God bless her soul. As I am writing these lines, my mother is smiling at me from withing the frame of her photo ... And I know that nothing can frame her now. She is now timeless... Sending you much love from a still hot Tehran!"

And I find it fascinating that Mitra wrote that her mother was smiling at her from a photo as she was writing....it's like amongst those words is a message from Mom....to go look in the mirror!  So today, I'll pick a bunch of pretty white roses from Savannah's rosebush, put them in a vase next to Mom's photo, light Savannah's candle and do something fun with Dempsey in honor of her! 

I like to believe Mom is with Savannah, enjoying her birthday somewhere beautiful.......like an endless Summer's day..............

And I hope if your cup is blue or you are missing your Mom, or a beloved one, you can find comfort in my mother's words, and go look at yourself in a mirror, really look, and turn your frown upside down and SMILE! ;) x

   Mom and Savannah on the beach near Tarnia's home...I picture them there still!

This is the special candle Mithra in Tehran lit for my mum...thank you Mithra xx

Joy mixed with sorrow mixed with joy!

Eighteen years ago today I was lying on a sun lounge around a sparkling swimming pool in a quaint little village in Germany named Friedrichsdorf. A place with cobblestone streets and a busy market, and the best pizza restaurant I've ever dined in called 'Mario's'. We lived there for four years because of Peter's work. I remember it like yesterday. You see eighteen years ago today my only sister Tarnia gave birth to her first child, a son, Alexander!

I remember the Fraulein from the hotel dashing out to the pool waving a phone, telling me there was a call from Australia......I remember my Mom's excited voice exclaiming Tarnia had just given birth to a beautiful baby boy. And I remember how carefree and easy my life was back then, when all those I loved were still in my world.

So today, I'm feeling mixed emotions, I'm excited that my nephew whom I adore will become an adult, that he can do all the things he has been waiting to do. In Australia, at age eighteen you can vote, legally drive a car and most important to him, enter an establishment that serves alcohol.

     Alexander at the back in blue with my sister, Tony and bubby Fraser

Alexander was eight when his Mom died. He and his brother Fraser, who was five and his twin sisters, who were babies of only six months old, were all strapped into their car seats for what should've been a lovely trip to the beach near their home on that fateful day. We'll never know what happened on that windy deserted road that leads to a magnificent stretch of beach in Australia, where there is seashells scattered everywhere on white sand and wild rolling waves, adding to its beauty.

What we do know from Alexander is that when Tarnia's car rolled over and over and finally smashed into a huge gum tree, the car ended up on its roof. I try not to think of the chaos that would've been going on in the car with all four children hanging upside down.....the twins screaming, Fraser crying, how terrifying it would've been. Also, how brave Alexander was at such a young age, courageously kicking out the car window and running to the road , flagging down the first passing car. What an amazing little boy he was!

He hasn't changed, over the past ten years I've watched him grow and mature into an amazing young adult, seemingly unaffected by the loss of his loved Mom and grief!

Alexander worked hard and entered an exclusive private school in Australia with a scholarship and went on to become an honor student. He diligently works two jobs, delivering medications on his pushbike around his town for the local pharmacist and washing dishes, as a 'dish pig' as he says, at a local restaurant.  He's been like another adult in his family after Tarnia's tragic death, caring for his little sisters and showing such responsibility the past ten years.  And at the end of this year he'll be off to University somewhere......

I can only conclude that his strength of character is because of how amazing the human spirit is. That we can seem to bounce back and strive to be better, even through such a significant life changing loss. Along with a supportive loving family and the counselling he had through his school after Tarnia died, leads me to believe he will continue to thrive and accomplish great things in his life and meet any challenge he is faced with in the future.

    My dad with the my sister's kids and Dempsey, taken Christmas Day 2009. Alexander in blue!

I love him like my own son and feel happiness for him today, swirled and mixed around with a sadness that Tarnia isn't here to hug him or tell him how very much she loves him as she always did.

And usually, when I phone him on his special day, I remind him where I was was when he came into this world, of the pool and Germany and how besotted his Mom was when he was born....and every year he laughs and tells me "Yeah, yeah, I know, you were sitting around a pool in Germany right?" And we both laugh!

But today when I call, on his eighteenth birthday into adulthood, I'll tell him the things his Mom can't. Like how special I think he is and how if his beloved Mom was alive she would be just so so so proud of who he has become. He's never talked about the accident with me, just of how he misses his Mom some days........

I'm sure if she can, Tarnia will be sending him some sign from heaven to make him aware, that somehow, she knows and misses him too! x

      Tarnia and Alexander..........