Monday, June 28, 2010

"One joy scatters a hundred griefs - Chinese Proverb"

I've been watching the calender that's hanging on our fridge, June has a photo of a magnificent sunset of orange, pinks and yellow...the quote on it reads "One joy scatters a hundred griefs. - Chinese Proverb"    Underneath the picture the 30th is circled with big black sharpie and I've written,  Savannah 11!  Wednesday is quickly sneaking up on me. 

Usually in the days leading up to her birthday I'm in a sadness rut, all doom and gloom.  I'm usually in a dark pit where I wish someone could throw me a magic ladder to climb up and out of it.

One of the ways I cope when I start to get that gloomy feeling come over me is to put the thought aside, try not to think of it, denial to some, but survival to me!  Every time a sad thought creeps into my mind, sometimes, when I feel strong enough, I tell myself STOP!  I consciously choose to bury the thought, to think happy thoughts and appreciate what I do have...its working so far today :)

This morning I woke up with this sudden blast of creative energy, it's weird!  But then I know with grief there are no rules.  So I'm taking advantage of this feeling today, staying busy and motivated and doing something productive with this rush of vitality that is running through my veins.

I had a mixed weekend, where I laughed and cried for Dempsey.  I had an overwhelming feeling of love for her yesterday.  You see yesterday we took her to Tom's Farm.  It's a farm just off the concrete jungle of L.A freeways, where there's a small petting zoo, a busy farmers market, a train ride and an old fashioned carousel.  Dempsey made a special hat to wear on our outing, with red spots she drew and carefully cut out then stuck on top with sticky made me smile and made Peter cringe.  "She's not wearing that is she Dee? Peter asked me. :) 

       Peter and Demps on the train, Peter was cringing at Dempsey in her silly hat :)

Watching the enormous smile on her face yesterday as she rode the carousel filled my blue cup with sunshine!  Something so simple as a kids carnival ride made my heart swell with love and gratefulness for my little girl.  I wish I could bottle the feeling and give it away as a gift!

However, the afternoon brought tears.....Demps had one of her days where she felt lonely and begged me for a little brother or sister...told me how unfair it is that she has no-one to play with and that she wants Savannah back!  THOSE moments swamp me with sadness and my heart aches for her.  All I could do was cuddle her and wipe her tears away and tell her sometimes life isn't fair!  And as she was crying and blubbering and whining, one of her baby teeth fell out.  Her mood changed instantly into one of excitement that the Tooth Fairy would be visiting our house last night. :)

And this is where my tears appeared.  Last night I quietly crept into her bedroom to swap the tooth for a dollar bill, and I noticed she had carefully written and taped a note to the Tooth Fairy on the glass with her tiny tooth inside.  The note read;  From Dempsey  How many fairies do you live with?  Dear tooth fairy, I want to be friends.

My eyes burned with tears that she is so lonely and I can't fix the problem, that she had to write to the bloody Tooth Fairy and ask to be friends!  So last night I fell asleep with teardrops soaking my pillow....but awoke today to Dempsey running into our room waving the dollar bill, with a huge grin that could fix any melancholy mood!

And I find when I have days that are up and down like a yoyo, the following day can be filled with this energy I'm feeling today....I'm wondering if anyone else can explain this phenomenon....or maybe its just me!  I'm not going to question it though....I've already done two loads of laundry, a work out, a blog and am sitting here enjoying the sounds of my beautiful girl playing the piano in the background!

Maybe the calender is right....One joy scatters a hundred griefs!  Wishing you sunshine today if your cup is blue! :) x

       Dempsey and me after the carousel ride at Tom's Farm yesterday :)

ps;  and I can see I better clean my fridge :)