Thursday, February 28, 2013

Merging Grief.... x



This is a sunset outside our home...breathtaking!


Our new house sits on top of a hill. Some day’s I feel like I’m King of the Castle!

On a clear day, you can see hills miles from our home…..and on a really clear day :), you can see the roads that snake up these hills.   Probably ones that farmers herd their cows along!




Last night, I was sitting on our deck, sipping a chilled glass of New Zealand Sav Blanc, watching gnarly storm clouds roll in when Dempsey wandered out, fresh from the shower, in her mismatched jammies.....one of her endearing habits that makes me smile…and nag sometimes that she can’t get the matching bit right. :) Anyway, getting back to the story...

Sometimes, Dempsey’s off the cuff comments cause me to reflect.

Standing out in the dirt, in her clean pj’s she stared out at the horizon and said;  “Mummy, look at the sky. It’s a mix of day and night!”

“Yes, you’re right Precious!” I agreed.



The sky was contrasted in dark AND light….starting to merge into one.

And it reminded me of my journey through grief.

How after time, sometimes a long time, your sadness begins to merge with your happiness and you find you begin to get a handle on your emotions.

That those dark days happen less, as glimmers of light through life’s cherished moments and support from family and friends cause cracks to appear in the overwhelming dismal days.

And sometimes, you have breakthroughs, like the sun shining through the clouds, like I had on Saturday.



You see on Saturday, Dempsey was invited to a sleep over at her new friend Jenny’s house.

We were to meet the family at our local pool for a swim party first.  

Dempsey spent what seemed like forever getting ready…she was excited.   I hadn’t really had a conversation with this little girls mum before, so I was looking forward to a friendly chat at the pool.



As soon as we got there, Dempsey raced over to her friends who were lining up at the diving board.

I wandered over to the picnic bench and thanked Jenny’s mum for inviting Dempsey.   And it’s a funny thing but I haven’t been confronted with having to tell ‘my story’ with a stranger for a while…well not since meeting Rose in the park in the USA.

And this is where my breakthrough came.

The conversation went like this;

“So Diana, what are you going to do while we have Dempsey sleep over? Do you have a free night or do you have your other daughter at home tonight?”

As soon as this mum said these words I knew she thought Dempsey’s sister was alive!


I was taken aback!  I've never been asked this question...ever...as most people know about Savannah...that she will never be at home again! But oh how I wish.....
I felt odd.

I felt strong.

I didn’t’ feel like I was about to cry for once, or dread the reaction I knew I’d get.  I actually smiled, s.m.i.l.e.d…wow, progress for me!  

Usually I have to have had a few drinks not to cry or at least tear up or feel guilty about the effect telling someone about the death of my daughter has on them.

I smiled as I said, “Our other daughter Savannah isn’t alive, she passed away when she was four and a half…I’ll be by myself tonight!”

And I know now what to expect when you drop the bombshell….how it triggers an air of awkwardness.

The mum answered with; “Oh, I’m so sorry, Jenny told me Dempsey has an older sister!” as she stared at her feet……..

I was so proud of myself, I actually said,  “Thank you! Dempsey does have an older sister, she’s just not here with us anymore.”

And there it was, the elephant in the room, or by the pool so to speak!

Another mother I hadn’t met, who was standing beside her, blurted one of the most stupid comments I’ve heard in years!  With a rush of words she stated; “Everything happens for a reason I think!”

WTF!! 

Happens for a reason???

What reason, I wanted to snark back.  

But I didn’t!

I held my composure and actually felt sorry for her.  It’s taken me a long time to get to this place!

So last night, thinking about my perceptive Demps and her comments about the sky merging made me realize my emotions from my grief journey have also merged, the line most days now isn’t definitive…it’s dark mixed brightly with light, sadness dimmed by my happiness, dark nights, illuminated by grateful days.

It’s a mix of holding on and letting go.  It always will be.....

And I know some people aren’t where I’m at yet, it can take years…but you will be, I promise, one day…..




It hasn’t rained here for months.

But last night, Demps and I watched the skies grow darker, we listened to thunder rumbling in the distance…..and then heavens let loose.




I welcomed the refreshing rain, breathing it in…thinking about how far I’ve come….

After all, in this life, one thing I know for sure….it’s all about learning to dance in the rain!  x







33 comments:

  1. Ugh, what a dumb thing to say. Well, you sure handled yourself gracefully! I'm glad you are at a place where you are able to, though I know you still have your moments.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We want to reinvent the phone. What's the killer app? The killer app is making calls! It's amazing how hard it is to make calls on most phones. We want to let you use contacts like never before - sync your iPhone with your PC or mac.

      Delete
    2. I gathered useful information on this point as I am working on a business project. Thank you posting relative information and its now becoming easier to complete this assignment
      diazepam online pharmacy

      Delete
    3. where did u come up with the information on this posting?I have read a few of the articles on your website now, and I really like your style. Thanks a million and please keep up the effective work.
      diazepam online purchase

      Delete
    4. It is a very profitable post for me. I've enjoyed reading the post. It is very informative and useful post. I wouldIt is a very pHayCompras
      rofitable post for me. I've enjoyed reading the post. It is very informative and useful post. I would like to visit the post once more its valuable content.
      like to visit the post once more its valuable content.

      Delete
    5. Productos hasta 85% de Descuento. Envío en 24-48h. Productos de Cocina, Electrónica y Electrodomésticos, Hogar, Perfumes y Cosmética, Regalos, Salud y Belleza, Fitness y Deportes

      Delete
    6. Buy 1 Million Facebook Fans
      It is a very profitable post for me. I've enjoyed reading the post. It is very informative and useful post. I would like to visit the post once more its valuable content.

      Delete
    7. That is really interesting, You are a very professional blogger. Ive joined your feed and look ahead to seeking more of your great post. Additionally, Ive shared your site in my social networks
      fashion shows

      Delete
    8. Omg I Finally Got Helped  !! I'm so excited right now, I just have to share my testimony on this Forum.. The feeling of being loved takes away so much burden from our shoulders. I had all this but I made a big mistake when I cheated on my wife with another woman  and my wife left me for over 4 months after she found out..  I was lonely, sad and devastated. Luckily I was directed to a very powerful spell caster Dr Emu who helped me cast a spell of reconciliation on our Relationship and he brought back my wife and now she loves me far more than ever.. I'm so happy with life now. Thank you so much Dr Emu, kindly Contact  Dr Emu Today and get any kind of help you want.. Via Email emutemple@gmail.com or Call/WhatsApp +2347012841542

      Delete
  2. Lovely Candice! :)

    Yes, a dumb comment...I've had worse though. I think over time you learn to grow a thick skin and that people who haven't suffered a loss or challenges simply don't know what to say.

    Maybe it was because I was in a happy mood too...I don't know if you're like that, but I find if I'm in a good place, it's easier to deal with 'bizarre' comments.

    Thanks for stopping by Candice...always smile when I see your pretty profile pic!
    Sending an aussie hug

    Diana x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is important to recycle materials. So that we can keep our earth pretty happy and eco friendly! Some people do not expect this in their newly brought ones. The truth is that, these items will be as good as
      bsn pins

      Delete
  3. Hi, Neat post. There's a problem together with your website in web explorer, would test this? IE nonetheless is the marketplace chief and a large part of folks will pass over your fantastic writing because of this problem.

    Here is my homepage; Accessories for Galaxy precedent

    ReplyDelete
  4. I thіnk the solid social аnd beat the
    satisfying kіnԁ foг 2 to 3 transаctіоns
    on sensіtіve focal ratio until you have a clear сreamy oгganic stгucture buttеr rough-textured tantric mаsѕаge.
    tantric masѕage is Nonintrusive and сonvenient Indian
    tantric massаge China in thе 2nd Century
    BCE.

    Also viѕit my wеb-site Sensual Massage London Booking Line

    ReplyDelete
  5. When you can't Facilitate Cause some matter come out straight individuals could very substantially be moderately Get the near interesting marketplace connectivity and relevancy? The higher the number of inbound golf links, the the phases of a successful home business Jut. So, you want to a few hundred dollars for a vulgar saving car, to thousands of dollars for high gear end or classic vehicles.

    my web page ... Data Entry Home Business

    ReplyDelete
  6. Please let me know if you're looking for a writer for your weblog. You have some really great posts and I feel I would be a good asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off, I'd love to write
    some content for your blog in exchange for a link back
    to mine. Please blast me an e-mail if interested. Thank you!


    Also visit my webpage :: Evgeni Malkin Black Jersey

    ReplyDelete
  7. This piece of writing is really a pleasant one it assists new net people, who are
    wishing in favor of blogging.

    my homepage Nike Free Run

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hey there! I could have sworn I've been to this website before but after browsing through some of the post I realized it's
    new to me. Anyways, I'm definitely glad I found it and I'll be book-marking and checking back frequently!


    Review my website: Louis Vuitton Pas Cher

    ReplyDelete
  9. Wonderful web site. Lots of helpful information here.
    I am sending it to some buddies ans additionally sharing in delicious.

    And of course, thanks on your effort!

    My blog post :: Louis Vuitton Handbags Outlet ()

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm curious to find out what blog platform you are utilizing? I'm
    having some small security issues with my latest blog and I would
    like to find something more secure. Do you have
    any suggestions?

    Also visit my web blog: Boutique Air Jordan

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hey! This is my first comment here so I just wanted to
    give a quick shout out and say I really enjoy reading through your articles.
    Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums
    that cover the same topics? Thank you!

    Here is my web page: NFL Jerseys Cheap

    ReplyDelete
  12. Quality articles or reviews is the main to invite the visitors
    to pay a quick visit the website, that's what this website is providing.

    Here is my blog This Site

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hurrah! After all I got a weblog from where I be able to genuinely obtain
    helpful facts regarding my study and knowledge.

    Review my webpage - Nike Blazers High

    ReplyDelete
  14. I am really enjoying reading your well written articles. It looks like you spend a lot of effort and time on your blog. I have bookmarked it and I am looking forward to reading new articles. Keep up the good work.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thank you for this blog. That's all i can say..useful information shared... i am very happy to read this article.. thanks for giving us nice info. fantastic walk-through. i appreciate this post

    ReplyDelete
  16. I found so many entertaining stuff in your blog, especially its discussion. From the tons of comments on your articles,

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have seen your awareness about this theme when you post it and it really gives an informational message to us readers. I am hoping that you will continue writing this kind

      Delete
  17. i like post Thanks post
    sumber semoga dengan
    sumber,dan ini juga bisa naik
    sumber, dan naik naik naik
    sumber, untuk keterangan lebih lanjut di klik
    sumber,
    sumber,
    sumber,
    sumber,
    sumber,
    kunjungi website
    sumber
    sumber
    sumber
    gen99
    klik disini
    baca selengkapnya
    lihat disini

    ReplyDelete
  18. The Gear Room is a new mountain equipment exchange, conveniently located near the Cottonwood canyons. Come browse through our gear for every season!
    salt lake city skiing

    ReplyDelete
  19. Apa yang Anda bayangkan, ketika mendengar istilah ginjal bengkak? Pastinya mengerikan bukan? Secara kita semua tahu, bagaimana pentingnya ginjal bagi tubuh. Ketika ginjal mengalami pembengkakan, secara otomatis fungsinya pun akan terganggu. Nah, bagi Anda yang saat ini sedang mencari informasi mengenai pengobatan ginjal bengkak secara alami dan aman tanpa efek samping, berikut ini kami sampaikan Obat Herbal Penyakit Ginjal Bengkak dengan QnC Jelly Gamat, dimana ektrak teripang emas atau gamat yang menjadi bahan utamnya, dipercaya sangat ampuh serta mujarab untuk pengobatan berbagai macam penyakit dan salah satunya adalah ginjal bengkak.

    ReplyDelete
  20. A GREAT SPELL CASTER (DR. EMU) THAT HELP ME BRING BACK MY EX GIRLFRIEND.
    Am so happy to testify about a great spell caster that helped me when all hope was lost for me to unite with my ex-girlfriend that I love so much. I had a girlfriend that love me so much but something terrible happen to our relationship one afternoon when her friend that was always trying to get to me was trying to force me to make love to her just because she was been jealous of her friend that i was dating and on the scene my girlfriend just walk in and she thought we had something special doing together, i tried to explain things to her that her friend always do this whenever she is not with me and i always refuse her but i never told her because i did not want the both of them to be enemies to each other but she never believed me. She broke up with me and I tried times without numbers to make her believe me but she never believed me until one day i heard about the DR. EMU and I emailed him and he replied to me so kindly and helped me get back my lovely relationship that was already gone for two months.
    Email him at: Emutemple@gmail.com  
    Call or Whats-app him: +2347012841542

    ReplyDelete