Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Comfort in constants on Savannah's birthday

After this week, life again reminded me that underneath the pain, and the dark black cloud there is always a silver lining….a beauty, and a hope that will always shine through and dim the dark moments of a difficult day.

I learnt that my friends and family are a constant…a constant stream of love and support.  And on Savannah’s birthday, even though I was so sad, my family and friends propped me up…like a steel girder does when it supports a building that needs extra help.

Through many special moments on Wednesday and Thursday, along with my tears about Savannah’s special day, each one of them gently helped stick an invisible band aid over my heart. And I realized they are a constant…..they always have been. I haven’t scared them off with all the tragedy in our family….they’re not going anywhere. And I love them for that! They’ll always be a constant in my life…. like the sun that rises and sets every day.

Wednesday was Savannah’s birthday in Australia, and while driving to pick up Dempsey from Summer Camp I noticed this cloud in the sky!  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing…the fluffy white clouds had formed what looked like an Angel floating in front of me. I grabbed my iPhone and snapped the photo….I like to believe it was a sign from Savannah! :)

Thursday morning, my neighbor Renee rang my doorbell with a beautiful gift for Savannah’s shelf.  Looking like a fashion model in her charcoal suit and black stilettos, wafting in freshness, she opened her arms to me for my first hug. (PD had left for the day and as usual he didn’t acknowledge Savannah’s birthday....I’m ok with that now).  And as I explained to Renee how much her hug meant, it was like the heavens opened and I couldn’t stop sobbing.  I almost needed a paper bag to breathe into..…but she was a constant….and didn’t stop squeezing me until I let go.

Renee's beautiful gift for Savannah

And like a constant, thoughtful messages and texts started to roll in for our Angel. While they made me cry, they also brought me so much comfort.

Mat, Neen, Emily and Jessie's flowers from Australia for Savannah....

A special family in Australia sent her a bunch of pink roses, surrounded by my favorite…white lilies. They send them every year on her birthday.  Their thoughts, beautiful! The perfume each time I enter our family room is overwhelming…like their love and support…A constant.

Savannah’s balloons are tradition now, so Dempsey and I drove to Von’s Supermarket where Demps chose one of each color for her sister.  And I should’ve known in the stifling heat that it’s impossible to get 12 balloons into a car without losing at least one!

“Sit in your seat Demps so I can get the balloons through the headrest.” I told her.

And like one of those comedy sketches, (that I can laugh about now), as I was trying to shove 12 helium, balloons into the back of a small SUV..and as 4 went in, 3 escaped, bobbing and trying to fly off…2 more in, 3 out…it was a battle I was determined to win.  And in one of those weird, amusing, crazy moments, the bloody silver balloon popped!  Right smack bang in the middle of Dempsey’s dimpled cheek!

Her crying was instant and loud…and it must’ve hurt as its left a huge welt on the side of her cheek.  I put the absurdity of the moment....the funny side of it all in the back of my mind to laugh about later…and comforted Demps who had tears rolling down her face.

When we got home, with a sharpie in her hand, Demps happily drew an animal according to color on each balloon for her sister.

Dempsey's favorite......a blue otter. :)

Then in 105 degree heat we let them go into the hot heavens above and watched them until they were a bunch of tiny dots on the horizon….constant and beautiful and magical as the wind blew them along and up to Savannah.

Ten minutes later was Dempsey’s piano lesson.  And as I sat at the lights to enter the freeway, Dempsey asked from the back seat. “What do you even think Heaven is even like Mummy?”

“Well, I think there’s sunshine everyday....and blue skies....and it’s a place where there is no pain and everyone is happy!” I told her.   And as I turned the volume back up on the radio….drum roll…Savannah’s song was playing..’Landslide!’ Dempsey was more excited than me….”I think that’s Savannah telling us she got our balloons Mummy!” :)

Hearing Savannah’s song, was like a message from our angel…I was so shocked and…….happy.  I dialed Peter and held my cell phone up to the speakers….”Listen PD, Listen!” I yelled with a smile!  It made my day…and even if you don’t believe it, I do. I trust Savannah was sending us a message on her birthday. To believe.  Which is another constant in my life!

Dempsey's home made gift for her sister.

After dinner, Dempsey handed me her gift for Savannah’s shelf. “It’s a pocket rainbow Mummy!”   When I asked her what it does, she said,  “You carry it around in your pocket so you have rainbows everyday!  And like a constant Dempsey managed to remind me that these sad days don’t last…they come and go like the constant ebb and flow of the ocean.

I am lucky to have life preservers in my family and friends who keep me afloat on these difficult days…that will always be a constant…like the magical pink sunset I was privileged to watch on Savannah’s birthday, slowly sink into the horizon.  Offering me up another tomorrow.  Which is always a new day, filled with joys and sadness, hopes and constants that, because of Savannah...I am always reminded how fortunate I am........

From Dempsey...

Happy Birthday Bubby x


  1. she absolutely WAS sending you a message diana.
    i believe that with all my heart, too.
    xoxo to you on your daughter's birthday.
    you are an inspiration.

  2. Yes, message from the Angel ~ I am so glad you are writing about this and sharing with Dempsey ~ not easy on any of you ~ You will process this through and I wish for you to enjoy and live each moment well and for Dempsey also ~ and your husband ~ Life is for the living ~ Savannah would want you all to move on ~ she will always be safe in your heart ~ hugs and namaste, Carol ^_^

  3. Heather,

    Thank you for your lovely comment!

    I do believe in the little 'signs.' They are a gift.

    Sending love,
    Diana x

  4. Dear Carol,

    Thanks for stopping by and writing me your inspirational words and for your hugs!

    You are right, life is for living and enjoying every single moment...even on those special days like birthdays when it's hard....but the good always outways the bad as you know.

    And I agree with you about sharing with Dempsey, she is my joy and is also aware how precious life is because of our journey.

    Sending hugs and sunshine back to you!
    Diana x

  5. I was at Zack's shared birthday tonight, and coming back back home to read your thoughts, I feel so sad and happy, again, at the same time. You are something else Dee, PD & Demps are sooo lucky(?) to have you around. x Tf

  6. Thank You Tone...as always your support means so much. I think all 4 and us are lucky to have you as family! :)

    Happy b'day to Alexander, will call him later.
    kisses to all 4 and you
    d x

  7. Diana, I have tears streaming down my cheeks as I think of Savannah letting you know she is with you wherever you are. Thankfully, you are open to receive her messages. I am so sorry that I missed Savannah's birthday. A belated blessing coming to you all. Live, Laugh and Love ♥

  8. Dearest Chez!

    Your message means a lot as I know you have your own issues you are dealing with. Thank you for thinking of Savannah...know you are never far from my thoughts.

    sending hugs your way.
    Diana x

  9. Oh my heart is just aching after reading this post but I know too, after the loss of my own daughter how much loss makes us appreciate the life that we do have in front of us. I admire how you live each day to the fullest, I hope that I can do the same.

  10. Dear Jessica,

    I'm so glad to have found your blog, it's comforting...thank you for stopping by mine. I hope some of my post can help you on your journey after the loss of your little one.

    Grief and losing Savannah, my mum and my sister has taught me live life to the fullest..even though some days will always be difficult and I'll always miss my loved ones. Especially Savannah.

    with love
    Diana x