Today's post is for Crystal and her beautiful butterfly Taylor....I was thinking of you Crystal while listening yesterday x
Are you ever offered a box of chocolates and asked to choose one without knowing what you'll get? You pick one and you think you know what to expect, but when you taste it, it's not what you thought it would be. Yesterday, I had one of those days......where I went out anticipating something, however got something entirely different. But then that's my life these days.
I had one of those days where my grief appeared suddenly, like an intruder, stealing my emotions away and there was nothing I could do about it except to let it happen.
Dempsey was invited to a friends house for a musical play date. I was looking forward to the lunch that was going to be provided as I knew there'd be cake and cookies and a catch up with some other moms.
The Girly Girls live in Concert - August 5 @11:30
Come for a musical play date
Bring your best rock star moves
We wandered into her friends house which had been turned into a stage, with a big black curtain backdrop, five microphones set up on stands, flashing disco lights, drums, guitars, tambourines and a video on a tripod to capture all the fun stuff. The whole room was beamed live onto a huge flat screen TV in the middle of the room. Wow, I couldn't wait to get lost in the magic five little girls would create with all this 'stuff.'
What I didn't know is that feelings of longing for Savannah would hit me! You see one of the mother's had her older daughter with her....amazingly enough, one who played with Savannah at a mommy and me group way back when Savannah was two and healthy......and it just so happened it was this girls eleventh birthday the day before.
Now I know it wasn't this mom's fault, or the girls, it's my demons that invade me, not their problem. But it's a problem of mine that won't go away. I wonder if it ever will? And I try not to allow my mind to go 'there.' To that place where I wish it was my daughter standing beside me, beautiful and alive!
The other mom's made of fuss of this eleven year old, and rightly so, it was her birthday! But I couldn't get past how cutting it was to me and how I felt picked on by life that Savannah wasn't there. It was all too close to the bone for me and I felt trapped. I could feel the unwanted feelings start, I had to walk away, escape, but I could still hear their chatter.......there was no escape!
And then the host of the party picked up a guitar and started strumming....music filled the air and blocked out the conversation I was trying to avoid. Oh how grateful I felt, phew, I'd dodged a bullet.....one that was aimed directly at my heart.
All the girls stood patiently in front of their instruments waiting, with great big grins and enthusiasm, watching themselves on the big screen in front of them....I had to smile! But, wait, oh no, the song, the song, I was back to where I had been a few minutes before.....my throat clenched up and my eyes swelled with burning tears as I couldn't escape the song!
It was the Miley Cyrus song "Butterfly...Fly Away," nothing was going to rescue me now!
Five little voices filled the air.....it was magical and painful, beautiful and overwhelming!
What I wasn't expecting was that my grief would blindside me and I would feel trapped, awkward and embarrassed at something I simply couldn't help. I wanted to run and hide.....and it made me question "How should someone act when these moments hit? Was it appropriate of me to be crying at a happy occasion?" But I couldn't help it ....my shadow of grief that follows me everywhere is sometimes in control and I knew I just had to suck it up, swallow my tears and try to pretend it hadn't happened....hoping no-one else had noticed! And I thought I'd got away with it.
I was rescued by my friend Sandra and her infectious laughter at the girls trying to be 'rockstars.' I inconspicuously wiped away the tears that were threatening to burst out of my eyes and took a big breathe as I got my grief under control! Thankfully, the moment had passed.
I enjoyed the next few hours sitting at the kitchen counter, with pizza, brownies and indulgent freshly baked, warm, macadamia cookies...and laughter, the best medicine of all.
Then, when I thought I had camouflaged my sadness, the host of the party hooked up the video of the girls to the TV in the kitchen. And there it was...me, captured on film forever, probably spoiling their home video, wiping my tears away and looking sad in the background of the happy moment he'd filmed!
Oh no, I wished a big black hole would appear and swallow me up...that I could yell, Stop, Rewind, Erase! However, I sat there saying nothing, cringing and hoping that nobody else had noticed. It was weird....sad, watching myself, but there it was, unavoidable, on a huge flat screen TV for everyone to witness. A moment in the life of a grieving mother!
If anyone else noticed, they didn't say, which I appreciated. I know I have to honor these moments. It's who I am now. And I know that the other people in the room are great people that appear to accept me for me, battle scars and all.
It confirms to me again, that friends, good times and laughter....and tears, are part of this big ball of life we all bounce along with. That we have to take the sad moments with the happy ones that can suspend these difficult unavoidable times. To embrace them, and be thankful for what the gift of grief sometimes brings....a jolt back into feeling appreciative for what you do have....which for me yesterday was a reward of being entertained by five little girls having fun, singing out of tune and filling my blue cup with sunshine!
I hope I'm invited back! :)