Saturday, June 30, 2018

The funny thing about grief....

The funny thing about grief is it’s not so funny.

Nineteen years ago today, on a cold winters day, in the freezing air of an operating room, I became a mother.

The doctor held up a screaming red baby, my baby, and told me with a smile we had a daughter. The little girl I’d always dreamed of.

We named her Savannah Beverley, and in that moment, I knew I was the luckiest mum alive.

Fast forward to today--today is Savannah’s 19th birthday. But she’s not here.

I haven’t seen her sweet smile or almost violet blue eyes since she was four and a half. 

Today, like every birthday, it seems grief is my nemesis.

Every year I watch the date creep up on the calendar. When I book in appointments or see advertisements on tv. Its one of the only days of the year I know my nemesis awaits. But every year I am optimistic. “Maybe I’ll be okay this year,” “Maybe the tears won’t arrive.”

Its confusing and exhausting to have to wonder and worry how I’ll feel on her day as I don’t like being sad.

Who likes crying?

Who wants to feel sad?


But this morning, I woke to rain on our tin roof. I turned on my phone to see Peter had text me a photo of the sunrise in Darwin where he is. No words, just the beautiful image of a dawning day. Our daughter’s day.

I started sobbing and couldn’t stop.

Why does grief invade like a parasite on these days like none others?

The solid ground I usually have turned into quicksand today. I cried like I didn’t last year, or the year before. And I let it sit with me to try and analyse why? Why couldn’t I put my sadness aside? Why couldn’t I stop? But I just couldn’t.

This isn’t my first rodeo with grief. Every year I think I know what to expect, but every year it surprises me. And I have no control over it, which is one of the worst bits.

How do you control a feeling that mirrors the love you had for someone?

How do you control the wishing that Savannah was tucked in her bed, waiting for Dempsey and I to bring her presents in?

Well you don’t. You just let it work you over like a punching bag, in hope the feelings may lessen. And today, as the day went on they did.

Lessened because of beautiful friends who remembered my baby girl, with texts and messages. Lessened by Dempsey’s hug. Lessened by love I’m lucky to have from my people. It’s a simple and as complicated as that I believe.

Mid morning the dog barked to a knock at the door. My beautiful friend Carol sent 19 delicate, baby pink roses for Savannah. But when I thanked her she said she didn’t plan the 19 roses—coincidence?

And that’s where the little things that aren’t little things started to open me up to see the beauty inside the grief. That maybe today my baby girl is still around. Reminding me to smile and to be grateful for all I have. There is a force in friendship. A healing hand, an invisible hug.

At lunchtime, Dempsey chose where we’d eat out. As we strolled in the door, a smiling waitress touched my arm and led us over to – Table 19. Coincidence?

Dempsey was a bit weirded out by this. She found it strange that we were seated at a table with her sister’s birthday number on it. But I didn’t!  It brought me comfort and made me wonder….

When we got home I felt a little better – no tears. Was it the sugar hit from the coca cola or does the day get better as it goes on?

I still couldn’t anaylise it. But I did notice the rain had stopped. And a rainbow was staring at me across our lake. Again, I had to wonder--was this another sign from Savannah?

As I stared at the rainbow, I scrolled through the emails on my phone, and there, staring at me was an email from Savannah’s little BFF Amber, when she was three years old—who doesn’t know today is Savvy’s birthday.

In Amber’s words; “ Hi Dee, this is Amber! I just got my tattoo and it came out amazing, I am so happy I was finally able to get it for Savannah. I just wanted to show you how it came out! I hope all is well. Love Amber."

And the funny thing about grief is, it can be funny, weird, unusual, and surprising, but as much as it’s my enemy, it’s also my teacher. Teaching me I’ve survived another birthday missing my little girl with curls. That Dempsey helps heal my heart and that friends and my people hold my hand on days like today with their messages of love and encouragement that Savannah was here, that she was loved and that they will always remember.

Without the grief you wouldn’t see the gratitude--and like a bruise, my consuming hurt today will disappear—until next time--until next time.

Happy birthday Bubby! I miss you. x 


  1. 'How do you control a feeling that mirrors the love you had for someone?;

    I don't know whether we can....♥

  2. Hey everyone!
    Today I come to you with so much excitement!
    I have been married & barren for 5years i had no child. i have never been pregnant i was a subject of laughter from my Friends & neighbors, i almost lost my marriage because of this issue . i was so confused that i did not know what to do until i came across this great Dr online and i contacted him at once i was scared weather it was going to work because i never believed things like this before, so i decided to give it a try and i did all what Dr Ahmed asked of me and today to my greatest surprise i took in the first time and i gave birth to a bouncing baby boy and now my marriage that was about crashing before is now restored. my husband now love and want me better, Am so happy for everything that have been happening my life since i met this Dr Ahmed. I want to tell all the women out there who have a similar situation like that the world is not over YET they should dry up their tears and contact this great man and their problem will be gone or are you also having other problems you can also contact Dr Ahmed,
    here is how you can contact him
    Contact him via his whats-app number +2348160153829.
    Alexa Planter

  3. online cricket
    Join Nostra's Cricket Games App Now! Predict & Play Cricket Games to Win upto ₹50 Lakhs Real Cash.


  4. I enjoyed reading it. You are great and unique. However, I reached here and after coming here. I do not have to say thank you to you.

    My blog: love quotes | love shayari in hindi | love shayari | love shayri | love shayri in hindi | best love shayari | love status.

  5. I want to share with you all on how Dr Itua saves my life with his powerful Herbal medicines, I was diagnosed of Oral/Ovarian Cancer which i suffered from for 5 years with no positive treatment until when My son came to me in the hospital when i was laying down on my dying bed waiting for god to call out my name to join him in heaven.
    My son was so excited that very day he came across Dr Itua on Blogspot, we decided to give him a try although we Americans are so scared to trust Africans but i really have no choice that time to choose life in between so we gave a try to Dr Itua Herbal medicines, god wiling he was a good man with a god gift. Dr Itua send us the herbal medicine it was three bottles. I take it for three weeks instructor and this herbal medicines heal me, cure my Oral/Ovarian Cancer completely I have been living for 9 months now with healthy life no more symptoms.
    I'm sponsoring Dr Itua in LA Advert on Cancer patent seminar which my son will be participating too and other patent Dr Itua has cured from all kind of human disease, also if you are sick from disease like,Epilepsy,Breast Cancer,Prostate Cancer,Throat cancer,Thyroid Cancer,Uterine cancer,Fibroid,Angiopathy, Ataxia,Arthritis,Brain cancer,Hiv,. Vaginal cancer,Herpes,Colon-Rectal Cancer,Chronic Disease.Amyotrophic Lateral Scoliosis,Brain Tumor,Fibromyalgia,Fluoroquinolone Toxicity,Multiple myeloma,Tach Diseases,Leukemia,Liver cancer,
    Esophageal cancer,Gallbladder cancer,,Bladder cancer,Gestational trophoblastic disease,Head and neck cancer,Hodgkin lymphoma
    Intestinal cancer,Kidney cancer,Hpv,Lung cancer,Adrenal cancer.Bile duct cancer,Bone cancer,Melanoma,Mesothelioma,Neuroendocrine tumors
    Non-Hodgkin lymphoma,Cervical Cancer,Oral cancer,Hepatitis,Skin cancer,Soft tissue sarcoma,Spinal cancer,Pancreatic Cancer, Stomach cancer
    Testicular cancer,
    Syndrome Fibrodysplasia Ossificans ProgresSclerosis,Alzheimer's disease,Chronic Diarrhea,Copd,Parkinson,Als,Adrenocortical carcinoma  Infectious mononucleosis,Vulvar cancer,Ovarian cancer,,Sinus cancer, Here Is The Wonderful Healer Contact. Name_ Doctor Itua, Email Contact:, Phone/WhatsApp: +2348149277967

  6. Worldfree4u HD Movies Download 300mb, World4ufree, Worldfree4u Bollywood HD Movies Download.