Thursday, January 13, 2011

Some thoughts of my Angel for her Anniversary.......

.
Tears come easy this week.  It’s Savannah’s week. 

Even though the Anniversary of her death is on the 14th, my sadness starts early….and every year I wonder if THIS year will be different.  Well its not! 

I had to count on my fingers how many years it's been as it still feels like yesterday.  And I ummed and ahhed over writing this post as it's not inspirational, just my honest feelings......  I didn't want to seem like I am having a 'pity party'...but I am.  


Monday, I found myself in the cheerful card aisle at Target, with tears dripping down my face as I tried to choose a birthday card for my Dad.  I can’t help thinking his time to leave could be any moment.  He turns 77 on the 23rd of January.  And I know he can’t live forever.

The song "Because you loved me" came on the radio in the car this morning…..I changed the station, but my fragile state of mind couldn’t be altered……

My daughter’s Anniversary is one of my hardest days, yes, every single year!  And I know I can’t fix that.  I know I have to work through my grief and let the misery and unfairness of it all envelop me.  I also know that by mid afternoon I'll feel better as  the day moves on.  It’s the only way I know………….


    Savannah the week she was diagnosed with her fatal illness.....




Tomorrow it will be seven short years since she left

Tomorrow I will sob

Tomorrow I will relive her final hours, remembering her fighting to breathe

Tomorrow there will be a crushing pain inside me

Tomorrow I will be grateful I am her Mum

Tomorrow I will obsess over ‘why?’

Tomorrow I will try and stay busy

Tomorrow I will be thankful for everything Savannah taught me

Tomorrow most people I encounter won’t know my daughter died this day

Tomorrow Dempsey will help remind me how lucky I am, even when I feel unlucky

Tomorrow I won’t have the energy to do something in her memory but knowing if I do I will feel better

Tomorrow some people will avoid me

Tomorrow some people will be there for me

Tomorrow I won’t care about anything that needs to be done in my house

Tomorrow I’ll avoid watching the healthy happy kids at school her age



Tomorrow I will conceal my tears from others

Tomorrow I will miss some special friends

Tomorrow I will hurt that Savannah went through so much pain that she didn’t deserve

Tomorrow I will feel guilt at that pain she went through, that as a mother I couldn’t take away.

Tomorrow I know those who remember will remember how special Savannah was

Tomorrow I know my mum won’t hug me and make me feel better

Tomorrow I will feel sorry for myself

Tomorrow I will appreciate my family and friends

Tomorrow my husband won’t acknowledge Savannah’s Anniversary

Tomorrow will be a day normal for most…life goes on the same for them

Tomorrow I will still be without my daughter

Tomorrow I will miss what I could’ve had, should’ve been and isn't 

Tomorrow I will miss smelling her smell and smoothing her hair and looking into her beautiful blue eyes that said so much, even though she'd lost the ability to speak

I wish I could skip tomorrow………………………………………


     Our angel..................



Tomorrow if you can, do something you love for my little girl who can't be here.  Hug your children, indulge in something sweet, notice the smell of a flower and the warmth of the sunshine.....all those things were so special to her and will make me feel she has touched someone on her special day.....

Thank you!

Diana x
..

8 comments:

  1. Diana, may you be blessed with only happy thoughts and memories tomorrow. As I hug my own babies I will be thinking of you and the strong woman and mother you are.

    Sending a virtual hug,

    Missy

    ReplyDelete
  2. Missy,

    You are such a special girl. I know you have your hands full with your beautiful new bub so I appreciate you taking the time to comment and send a hug...to think of our Angel and to hug your precious ones tomorrow!

    Your words mean so much today!

    with love
    Diana x

    ReplyDelete
  3. If I could I would give you a very big hug. Since I can't give it to you in person, please know I am sending you one. You are in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow and everyday, as is Savannha.

    Love, Patti

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dearest Patti,

    Thank you for the hug.

    Today has been a hard day.

    You words mean so much, thank you!

    with gratitude,
    Diana x

    ReplyDelete
  5. I know you understand Tone, thank you! Please kiss all four of your beautiful babes!

    D x

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anniversaries are a special kind of hell. All good thoughts to you at this time, and wishing you all the best for your father's birthday. (Feeling apprehensive three months in advance of the fourth anniversary of losing Chris.) Wish I'd seen this post sooner, but I also want to extend my gratitude for making such a brave posting.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you Casey...I know you understand.

    I think we always feel early apprehension as the date creeps up on us. That's the way grief is I've found.

    I'm not sure about brave....I just want my readers to know they are normal if they feel like that and I knew if I was anything other than honest with how I feel it wouldn't be fair...grieving people feel the same way as me I'm sure on their special days.

    I know some of my friends do see me as 'okay' after losing my family loved ones, but one those special day's, if I'm to be honest with myself I had to choose to write my true feelings. I hope they help you to know if you feel the same way on your upcoming anniversary that it's normal and that you can feel sad, happy, glad and also learn to smile again through your tears at what you 'did have.'

    Sending a hug to you Casey, you will be in my thoughts!

    Diana x

    ReplyDelete