Thursday, November 4, 2010

The miracle of a little 'HOPE'

I love running.  Especially the last two mornings.  Its Fall, so the mornings are dark now when I run.  The  neighborhood is just coming to life.  You can see the lights from inside the houses streaming through windows, a few garage doors are rolled up with cars idling inside…waiting for their owners.

At 6.30am this morning, with Rhianna blasting in my ears, compliments of my ipod, it was magical.  The moon was in one corner of the sky and the sun was starting to peep up over the horizon in the other.  I ran all the way back home to get my camera to snatch a photo of the moon, a crescent.  It reminded me of Savannah.  Whenever she saw one of those shaped moons she’d point at the sky and say “Look Mommy, the moon is broken!”

                        The crescent moon in our neighboorhood this morning!

My moon will always be broken because of her death.  Even though I’ve managed to stitch part of it up, through love and ‘hope’.  However it will always be damaged, a piece forever missing.  And it’s when I get to have some alone time, like when I run, I get to think about life and Savannah.  It’s healing therapy. (And works off all the chocolate I consumed over Halloween. :))

After Savannah died sometimes I tried to run from my emotions, my demons…..from my life.  Some days I pounded the pavement with tears streaming down my face, the haunting thoughts of Savannah’s suffering everyday was horrible.  However, this morning as I watched the sun rise on the horizon, I breathed in the cool morning air and thought how every day is a new dawn of hope.  And how when Savannah was alive everyday revolved around those four powerful little letters…..‘HOPE!’

Hope and fear go hand in hand I think.  If you are scared about a situation that ‘may’ happen you will also have hope.  A faith that your fears won’t materialize, and, hope for a solution if they do.  How does one foster hope

In my experience through losing my sister, mom and daughter, I think that hope is a mysterious miraculous thing that we human beings are capable of…..even when times or circumstances are implausible….like when we were told Tarnia had been killed…or that Savannah would die, or that my mom wouldn’t see Christmas with us ever again.

Is hope built into our core, through genetics, from that spontaneous moment you are conceived?  Is it learned from your parents….or a loved one?  Or is it a wonderful ingreedient mixed into our soul…..deep in our being, that’s invisible…almost like an imaginary armor we have that appears when a situation seems hopeless or desperate.  Like magic, it kicks in.  Yes, hope gives us the courage to keep believing that the future ‘may’ be brighter or better.

In spite of everything with Savannah, even after we knew we couldn’t save her life, we had hopeHope for a good day for her, like when we would take her to a park and feed the ducks stale bread.  Then we'd place her big blue reclining chair on a slippery slide and watch her gift us with her incredible smile.  She’d lost her voice by then, but she’d make happy giggly noises that nourished my soul.  I hoped she felt like any other little girl in the park, enjoying the warm sun on her face.  Yes, hope is food for our spirit and strengthens our foundations to face sometimes, the impossible.

    Savannah in her big blue recliner at our park with her Daddy, feeding the ducks!

Everyone’s hopes are different, it may be something simple like hoping you’ll get that car space at Walmart, or hoping those jeans you haven’t worn since March still fit.  Or like like some of us…hope that the tears will stop….just for a day.

What is your hope?  Hope for a good day,  for laughter?  To get through some hours when you think you can’t?  Hope for something good to come out of something bad?  Hope to stay strong?  Hope to live?  Hope that life will stay the way it is….or change?  Hope that there will be more tomorrows…like today, or not?

My beautiful Dad always says “Life is as clear as mud sometimes!” It throws us all sorts of challenges and rewards, mixed together…like a big mud pie.  And when we face some of these 'unknowns' in life, its hope that helps us fight those battles.

At the end of my run this morning, I noticed a beautiful big bird in the sky, with two engines….and a little orange light blinking behind it…..destination unknown.   I looked up into the heavens, wishing I was on that plane, flying home to my family, but hoping the next six days fly by until then. :)

   I wonder where they are going?

Each day the universe gifts us with another precious day.....filled with the miracles of life......and always, alway, HOPE! x

PS;  When Dempsey was born we  chose her middle name to be was and continues to be my savior Demps! :)



  1. Diana!

    I've been commenting so much lately....but after this post, I felt compelled to share that I have the word hope twice tattooed on my body....Hope means a lot to me.

    Back in April, when my mom getting pretty sick, I went with some friends to get tattoos. I wasn't going to get one...but then I felt I just had to. So, I have a tattoo on my left hip with a breast cancer ribbon than says hope below it. At that time, I had hope my mom would get better...But, the tattoo is very significant to me. Hope for a cure for cancer...representative of my mom's undying hope.

    Also, last summer, I went with other friends to the tattoo parlor, and of course, I needed to get another tattoo. So, on my right foot, I have the words Hope, Faith, Love tattooed on my ankle with 1 Corinthians 13:13, which is one of my favorite verses from the Bible.

    Just thought I'd share. Your posts give me hope that I can get through these sorrowful times. :-) Thank you.

    Also, I found two feathers the other day when I was having a really difficult day, and I knew it was a gift from my mom.

    Thanks for the hope! :-)


  2. Dear Elizabeth,

    It's always lovely to hear from you!

    Thanks for sharing......I know when my mom was battling breast cancer I was your age...its a really hard thing to watch. I was lucky and got another 20 years with her before she got ovarian cancer, so my heart goes out to you. Mom's are so special, there is really no-one else like them.

    I think its healing to honor them in any way, tattoo's are a great reminder and I have one of a butterfly I got after Savannah died.

    I'm glad I can give you is true, hope is a powerful things and some days thats all we have.

    I'm glad you got a little gift from your mom in those feathers, you really do need to take comfort those signs aren't a coincidence. I must tell you Elizabeth, you've been in my thoughts...and the other day after I replied to one of your comments, I was thinking of you and took Dempsey to get an icecream at had only been maybe 10 mins since I posted to you about your mom and when we walked into Rite aid the song "The Rose' came on the radio in the store. It was my moms favorite and one I don't hear that I like to HOPE and believe it was her telling me she is glad I'm helping you.

    Hang in there...I hope your days get better and you have some help somewhere over in Spain...whether it be through books, a friend, the internet or a counselor. It feels good to reach out and have support.

    Thinking of you and thanks for your lovely comment.
    Diana x

  3. Hello!

    Watching my mom suffer from cancer was definitely the hardest thing I've ever gone through. She had done so well for three years, so I wasn't expecting her to become so ill in February...It was very hard because I was in Chicago away from my family when my mom first became ill. My precious mom had hope until the end. She never gave up. While I wish she was still physically with me, I am SO proud of my mom for never losing hope. The human spirit is truly extraordinary.

    Mom's are very special indeed. I didn't realize how much my mom did until she was gone. I wish i could have a conversation with her about how much I appreciate everything she did. I suppose we can chat in Heaven eventually :-)

    That's amazing that you heard "The Rose" in Rite Aid. I'm sure your mom was telling you she is happy you are helping me. Perhaps, my mom talked with your mom up in Heaven! She is also grateful for your help!

    My best friend is with me in Spain, so she is an AMAZING support system. And of course, I use internet as a way of finding inspiration...reading blogs and joining support groups.

    Thanks for your lovely response!


  4. Dear Elizabeth,

    Your Mom sounds like a special lady and I can tell by your words that you miss her so much....I'm sure the strength she showed is helping you get through this difficult time.

    Keep talking to your mom, I bet she can hear everything you say. :) And I'm glad to here you have a great friend....I had one like that just after my mom died. Sometimes a hug and a listening ear is the best medicine.

    Wishing you a great weekend Elizabeth...your mom would be so proud of how you are putting one foot in front of the other. Diana xx

  5. I love this line ...

    "Yes, hope is food for our spirit and strengthens our foundations to face sometimes, the impossible."

    Just beautiful!


  6. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment Michelle. Hope is certainly under rated I think, it has given me strength in some of my days when I didn't think I'd survive.
    Diana x