I love running. Especially the last two mornings. Its Fall, so the mornings are dark now when I run. The neighborhood is just coming to life. You can see the lights from inside the houses streaming through windows, a few garage doors are rolled up with cars idling inside…waiting for their owners.
At 6.30am this morning, with Rhianna blasting in my ears, compliments of my ipod, it was magical. The moon was in one corner of the sky and the sun was starting to peep up over the horizon in the other. I ran all the way back home to get my camera to snatch a photo of the moon, a crescent. It reminded me of Savannah. Whenever she saw one of those shaped moons she’d point at the sky and say “Look Mommy, the moon is broken!”
My moon will always be broken because of her death. Even though I’ve managed to stitch part of it up, through love and ‘hope’. However it will always be damaged, a piece forever missing. And it’s when I get to have some alone time, like when I run, I get to think about life and Savannah. It’s healing therapy. (And works off all the chocolate I consumed over Halloween. :))
After Savannah died sometimes I tried to run from my emotions, my demons…..from my life. Some days I pounded the pavement with tears streaming down my face, the haunting thoughts of Savannah’s suffering everyday was horrible. However, this morning as I watched the sun rise on the horizon, I breathed in the cool morning air and thought how every day is a new dawn of hope. And how when Savannah was alive everyday revolved around those four powerful little letters…..‘HOPE!’
Hope and fear go hand in hand I think. If you are scared about a situation that ‘may’ happen you will also have hope. A faith that your fears won’t materialize, and, hope for a solution if they do. How does one foster hope?
In my experience through losing my sister, mom and daughter, I think that hope is a mysterious miraculous thing that we human beings are capable of…..even when times or circumstances are implausible….like when we were told Tarnia had been killed…or that Savannah would die, or that my mom wouldn’t see Christmas with us ever again.
Is hope built into our core, through genetics, from that spontaneous moment you are conceived? Is it learned from your parents….or a loved one? Or is it a wonderful ingreedient mixed into our soul…..deep in our being, that’s invisible…almost like an imaginary armor we have that appears when a situation seems hopeless or desperate. Like magic, it kicks in. Yes, hope gives us the courage to keep believing that the future ‘may’ be brighter or better.
In spite of everything with Savannah, even after we knew we couldn’t save her life, we had hope. Hope for a good day for her, like when we would take her to a park and feed the ducks stale bread. Then we'd place her big blue reclining chair on a slippery slide and watch her gift us with her incredible smile. She’d lost her voice by then, but she’d make happy giggly noises that nourished my soul. I hoped she felt like any other little girl in the park, enjoying the warm sun on her face. Yes, hope is food for our spirit and strengthens our foundations to face sometimes, the impossible.
Everyone’s hopes are different, it may be something simple like hoping you’ll get that car space at Walmart, or hoping those jeans you haven’t worn since March still fit. Or like like some of us…hope that the tears will stop….just for a day.
What is your hope? Hope for a good day, for laughter? To get through some hours when you think you can’t? Hope for something good to come out of something bad? Hope to stay strong? Hope to live? Hope that life will stay the way it is….or change? Hope that there will be more tomorrows…like today, or not?
My beautiful Dad always says “Life is as clear as mud sometimes!” It throws us all sorts of challenges and rewards, mixed together…like a big mud pie. And when we face some of these 'unknowns' in life, its hope that helps us fight those battles.
At the end of my run this morning, I noticed a beautiful big bird in the sky, with two engines….and a little orange light blinking behind it…..destination unknown. I looked up into the heavens, wishing I was on that plane, flying home to my family, but hoping the next six days fly by until then. :)
Each day the universe gifts us with another precious day.....filled with the miracles of life......and always, alway, HOPE! x
PS; When Dempsey was born we chose her middle name to be HOPE...it was and continues to be my savior somedays...like Demps! :)