Gratitude after grief for the new year! x

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"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude!” Thorton Wilder



Every new year I buy a diary.

In it I write important dates like birthday’s and anniversaries for the coming twelve months. It almost seems there are as many death anniversary dates as birthdays these days……..I always wonder where I’ll be in the pages ahead….who will be with us and IF we’ll lose anyone this year? That’s my reality! However, I think that’s a gift….to be aware that TODAY, the present, is a gift. To be enjoyed and never to be taken for granted.

January is a difficult month. It’s the month our daughter Savannah died. I do think of what we were doing on these days in January years ago as she got sicker and sicker and we knew her time was running out. And I try not to let my mind wander to the painful parts…….It was so sad and it’s hard not to think of what she endured. All of that is part of who I am now. I will be that person forever.

     Savannah a few months before she died..............


I am changed, there’s no going back.  However, now I look at life differently and live life fuller than what I did all those years ago……before I experienced so much loss.

I tell those people important to me how much I love them….and probably indulge in a bit too much red wine sometimes!  And as each new year converges on me, I feel a little bit further away from Savannah. And I hate that!


At this time of year, so many people are making lists, new year resolutions with hope’s and things they want to change about themselves. And it is a good idea to set a new goal……..my wish this year is to cultivate happiness! It’s all about choices and choosing to have the right attitude each day. How hard can that be?

   We bought this last weekend too....it's a lovely reminder to keep wishing and hoping........


And how can I not be happy when I have so much to be grateful for? I only have to look at Dempsey’s mischievous grin and soulful eyes to boost my serotonin levels. She’s a walking, talking example of how simple life is and how in truth, all we really need is unadorned love and mindfulness of what can be taken away in a heartbeat to become appreciative.

   My precious Demps!


Peter bought me a camera on the weekend, you know, one of those fancy, fan dangled cameras with buttons and dials that look like something out of a space ship! I can’t wait to learn how to capture memories and decorate this blog with tiny bits of my days that I am fortunate enough to enjoy……..so get ready to be inundated! I want to be able to illuminate the little things that can magnify just how exquisite the world really is!


I have the privilege of being alive, of being present……it is my responsibility as Dempsey’s mum to be HAPPY and notice and pass on to her the little things in this world. Just this morning on the way to her school we noticed the mountain Big Bear is almost covered in snow. It’s magnificent! How fortunate we are to have this view every single day, when so many are stuck in poverty and homelessness. Yes, grief has left its mark on me…..opening my eyes, that’s for sure!

     Big Bear Mountain in the background this morning!  Beautiful!



So fasten your seat belts! 2011 will pass us by before we know it!


Don’t forget to slow down, to smile at strangers, to grab the good out of every single day….to STOP and notice the little things that can feed your spirit, share them around. Set good intentions, dream big and hold on particularly tight to your loved ones around you. There’s no stopping time!

                                The card my lovely neighbor Renee gave me..............




Thank you to all of you who have read my blog this year.....you inspire me to keep writing if I know I've helped just one of you with my journey!  I appreciate your support...YOU fill my blue cup with sunshine! :) x
Happy New Year!



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Look around you...LIFE and grief really is like a carnival! x

One of the many things that sticks in my mind after my sister Tarnia died is frozen chicken!

In the hours after her death, the chicken she’d taken from her freezer to turn into some culinary masterpiece was still on her sink, defrosting…..waiting for her to come home. She never did!

None of us ever wake up thinking “Today could be my last day on this earth!” Do we? To be honest, I do sometimes, especially when I get a tray of chicken thighs out of my freezer to thaw. I bet Tarnia never imagined it to be hers.

We always believe there’ll be a tomorrow, maybe I’m a fatalist, but frozen chicken always reminds me to enjoy today as it could be my last! Sunday was one of those days.

We’d promised to take Dempsey to the Los Angeles County Fair. I had this weird feeling that something was going to happen, on a carnival ride…or that Demps may get lost in the crowds……or stolen. I can’t help feeling this way sometimes, it’s the chicken thing! :)

The day turned out to be picture perfect, the experience reminding me of the smorgasbord of life…..and every now and then we need a little chicken reminder to stop, smell, listen and look around. To take in the simple joys in life. Just in case……………..

We arrived at the fairgrounds with a multitude of other families, with strollers and wheelchairs, sunscreen and smiles. Dempsey’s rush of energy was palpable…and contagious.

The dull grey concrete of the fairgrounds had come to life. The giant Ferris Wheel was turning and the sweet aroma of kettle corn mixed with the pungent smell of cooking oil for curly fries saturated the air. Loud bursts of compressed air coming from the carnival rides prompted Dempsey to let out an eager, “Let’s hurry!”

And as I watched her run up to the first ride….”The Ghost Train,” it hit me that this carnival also reminded me of life!

The distant screams from inside the Ghost Train ride reminded me of how life sometimes scares us…with our unknown fate, or our awareness of it.  How we often fear stuff we can't control……….

The monster slide was next, with its bright pink green, yellow, blue and orange bumps, Demps couldn’t help but get airborne as she flew down the slide on a dirty hessian bag…..reminding me of the peaks and troughs we tackle in life………………..

We wandered on and stopped to take a quick look at some of the local cuisine. Plump turkey legs sizzled and smoked in the hot sun, filling my senses with mouth watering delight.  And they reminded me of how life is full of flavors and that we should savor every experience.

Dempsey rode the old fashioned carousel next, the wooden pig she parked herself on went up and down.......like life.  Sometimes you want to get off but you can’t, and sometimes you don’t want the ride to end….like some days we go through.

We strolled down the alley of games where loud music and a scruffy looking man entertained children with a bubble machine.  Dempsey raced around trying to catch the bubbles, giggling and popping the cloud of glistening bubbles that surrounded her.  The tiny bubbles reminded me of life….in their beauty, simplicity and vulnerability.

We stood in line for the massive Ferris Wheel.  Dempsey was on cloud nine, literally!  As the giant wheel took us up to great heights we could see all around the fair.  I looked, really looked out the carriage and beyond at how beautiful this world really is.

Then we went round and round and round and round, the ride becoming monotonous.  I thought we were never going to stop or be allowed off.….……like life!

Onto the big red barn of Fairview Farms where there were pink piglets, lambs, yaks from Tibet and curious goats.  Amazingly a cow had just given birth a few minutes before we wandered up to the metal railing.

Dempsey was fascinated as she watched the mother lick the after birth off the calf.  And it reminded me of how fragile and precious life is. That it’s a cycle and that a mother’s love is instinctual and protective, no matter what the creature.

Dempsey spotted the Roller Coaster that was almost submerged in water. After a lot of nagging I was the lucky bunny that got the chance to get soaked.  And like life, the roller coaster got the old adrenaline going, it was exhilarating as it sped along a tight curvy track then plunged down into the water, drenching us both and making us laugh.  Like the twists and turns of fate we all experience. The rush was overwhelming!

So after four hours of fun, aching feet, stuffed toys and full bellies, we made our way to the Exit. But not before we stopped at one last food truck for my favorite…Cotton Candy (or Fairy Floss as we call it in Australia).  You haven’t had the whole experience until you pop that luscious sweet tang of pure sugar in your mouth and relish in it.

It’s sweet and decadent, delicate and leaves you wanting more……A LOT like life!


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A new experience! :)

Well Tuesday I had a new experience...totally foreign to me, however, exciting!  It got the old adrenaline going, my heart pumping fast...and also a few more wrinkles I think as I cringed quite a few times at what came out of my mouth! :) :)

Tuesday I did a radio interview on my experience with grief.........OMG!!!  What a way to make you feel alive that was!

The night before I had nightmares about it and woke up from a restless nights sleep, hoping I wouldn't sound like an idiot, forget questions or just blah blah blah on.  I ended up doing all three. :)

Tuesday morning before the interview, I'll admit, I was a nervous wreck so I fuelled up on a vanilla latte from Starbucks with a tripple espresso shot and a Rockstar energy drink, took a shower then blasted the cold water at the end in hope of waking myself up enough not to sound like a crazy grieving person.

When my cell phone rang right on one p.m the adrenaline kicked in...I almost needed a paper bag to breathe into as I heard the DJ tell me..."10 seconds Diana then we're on.  10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.....it was showtime!  I held my breath and the phone with sweaty palms and for the next sixty minutes, answered Rob McConnell's questions about grief, survival and life....as I paced my kitchen floor!

If you are interested, here is the link......you can be the judge, I repeated myself, lost myself,  however answered some questions that I hope will help anyone travelling this lonely, sad, life changing and often empowering journey of grief.

I hope if you decide to listen it will help at least one of you....even if its only one, then the stress I self imposed on myself will have been worth it.  :)  And if I'm ever given this wonderful opportunity again I know I'll be better, hey, it's all experience right???? :)

ps; today I enjoyed just water...I think my caffeine intake for the whole year was used up on Tuesday :)
wishing you sunshine today............Diana x


pss; my name should be on the left hand side if you arrow down...if you choose to take this mission, this message will self destruct in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.xzonepodcast.com/



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Eight is GREAT!

Yesterday we got home from an action packed weekend in Monterey, four blissful days of no cooking, or cleaning, laundry or blogging....so it's time to catch up. 

Dempsey's eighth birthday was more than I could've hoped for.  And on the last night of our little holiday in Monterey, Dempsey gave me an eighth birthday gift that I will remember until I'm an old lady, if I make it that far. :) But more of that later!

The morning of Dempsey's birthday I made a concerted effort to be open and conscious of taking in every second and relishing in whatever the day would bring.  It didn't disappoint, I had many moments of gratitude so I wanted to share.......

                       The birthday girl before her party!


By eleven am, the sky was cloudless, a heavenly blue like an untouched canvas waiting to be painted.  I'd organized a pool party with ten of her little girlfriends.  So, after lots of photo opp's, (which Dempsey hated!), we tied balloons to the letter box, filled pink bowls with chips and sour gummy worms and waited for the troops to arrive.

I watched nine sweet smiling faces arrive, dragging beach bags and brightly wrapped gifts with ribbons and cards for Dempsey.  Their faces adorned with enormous smiles and excitement and innocence...the essence of life itself in each tiny bikini.  All of them....with the capacity to just be happy and enjoy the moment.  They could teach us all what is important and real in life.

     Demps with Ava and Bella.

And I soaked in every second, watching them in their saggy bottomed swimmers with swirling arms and legs, splashing in the cool water.  I listened to them giggling, simply high on life and it filled me with happiness! 

     Dempsey and her ten little girlfriends...happy!

Then it was pizza and cake time.  As I placed Dempsey's Care Bear cake amongst the cold pizza crusts and spilt drinks, one little friend told me..."Mrs Doyle, Care Bears scare me!" ....and I had to smile at her innocence and honesty as I thought to myself, "Oh if only life could be that simple!"

      The infamous Care Bears!

I stood smiling like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland, at nine dripping wet urchins, surrounding my baby, singing "Happy Birthday, Cha Cha Cha!"  And I wished her big sister could've been there with us, however, Savannah taught me more than anyone to apprecitate these moments and be happy with simply being alive!


And then, in the distance we heard the "thump thump thump" sound of a helicopter approaching ....a friend had organized a happy birthday fly over for Dempsey and her friends.  I watched in awe as it buzzed and hovered over the pool, while ten little girls waved madly at the big bird and I found I couldn't stop smiling......WOW! 

      The helicopter fly over...how lucky!


And that pretty much summed up the day for me...three little letters, wow!   Wow at what I have, and wow that I have a healthy, happy little girl to love!  And as I tucked Demps into bed that night, I asked her what she enjoyed most about her eighth birthday....and she said "Everything Mommy...I loved everything!"  and so did I!  I know for me, making that conscious choice first thing that morning to enjoy whatever the day brought set my mind up for a happy one.

But her birthday didn't end there for me.....like I said, we travelled to Monterey, and Sunday night, sitting in a cocktail bar, surrounded by a massive fish tank and other fellow diners, I heard the soft twinkling sounds of piano music!  Then I realized....my goodness, it was Dempsey!  She had found a piano in a quiet corner of the room and had started playing.  My heart surged with pride and love and gratefulness at how fortunate I am to have her and enjoy her and how proud I am to be her mom.

And when she finished playing, the whole room went quiet, then erupted in applause...Demps stood up, took a big bow and sat down with a shy smile.  A pretty young girl of probably twenty approached the piano, handed Dempsey a five dollar bill, and then wandered over and told me how lucky I am to have such a beautiful little girl!  I blinked back my tears as I thanked her and told her......I knew! :)

Wishing you all sunshine and blue skies ahead and hoping you can just take a moment to find and enjoy a little thing in your blue cup today! :) :) x

     The only photo I got of the birthday girl and me at the end of her day!

"One joy scatters a hundred griefs - Chinese Proverb"

I've been watching the calender that's hanging on our fridge, June has a photo of a magnificent sunset of orange, pinks and yellow...the quote on it reads "One joy scatters a hundred griefs. - Chinese Proverb"    Underneath the picture the 30th is circled with big black sharpie and I've written,  Savannah 11!  Wednesday is quickly sneaking up on me. 

Usually in the days leading up to her birthday I'm in a sadness rut, all doom and gloom.  I'm usually in a dark pit where I wish someone could throw me a magic ladder to climb up and out of it.

One of the ways I cope when I start to get that gloomy feeling come over me is to put the thought aside, try not to think of it, denial to some, but survival to me!  Every time a sad thought creeps into my mind, sometimes, when I feel strong enough, I tell myself STOP!  I consciously choose to bury the thought, to think happy thoughts and appreciate what I do have...its working so far today :)

This morning I woke up with this sudden blast of creative energy, it's weird!  But then I know with grief there are no rules.  So I'm taking advantage of this feeling today, staying busy and motivated and doing something productive with this rush of vitality that is running through my veins.

I had a mixed weekend, where I laughed and cried for Dempsey.  I had an overwhelming feeling of love for her yesterday.  You see yesterday we took her to Tom's Farm.  It's a farm just off the concrete jungle of L.A freeways, where there's a small petting zoo, a busy farmers market, a train ride and an old fashioned carousel.  Dempsey made a special hat to wear on our outing, with red spots she drew and carefully cut out then stuck on top with sticky tape.....it made me smile and made Peter cringe.  "She's not wearing that is she Dee? Peter asked me. :) 

       Peter and Demps on the train, Peter was cringing at Dempsey in her silly hat :)

Watching the enormous smile on her face yesterday as she rode the carousel filled my blue cup with sunshine!  Something so simple as a kids carnival ride made my heart swell with love and gratefulness for my little girl.  I wish I could bottle the feeling and give it away as a gift!

However, the afternoon brought tears.....Demps had one of her days where she felt lonely and begged me for a little brother or sister...told me how unfair it is that she has no-one to play with and that she wants Savannah back!  THOSE moments swamp me with sadness and my heart aches for her.  All I could do was cuddle her and wipe her tears away and tell her sometimes life isn't fair!  And as she was crying and blubbering and whining, one of her baby teeth fell out.  Her mood changed instantly into one of excitement that the Tooth Fairy would be visiting our house last night. :)

And this is where my tears appeared.  Last night I quietly crept into her bedroom to swap the tooth for a dollar bill, and I noticed she had carefully written and taped a note to the Tooth Fairy on the glass with her tiny tooth inside.  The note read;  From Dempsey  How many fairies do you live with?  Dear tooth fairy, I want to be friends.

My eyes burned with tears that she is so lonely and I can't fix the problem, that she had to write to the bloody Tooth Fairy and ask to be friends!  So last night I fell asleep with teardrops soaking my pillow....but awoke today to Dempsey running into our room waving the dollar bill, with a huge grin that could fix any melancholy mood!


And I find when I have days that are up and down like a yoyo, the following day can be filled with this energy I'm feeling today....I'm wondering if anyone else can explain this phenomenon....or maybe its just me!  I'm not going to question it though....I've already done two loads of laundry, a work out, a blog and am sitting here enjoying the sounds of my beautiful girl playing the piano in the background!

Maybe the calender is right....One joy scatters a hundred griefs!  Wishing you sunshine today if your cup is blue! :) x

       Dempsey and me after the carousel ride at Tom's Farm yesterday :)

ps;  and I can see I better clean my fridge :)

A different Father's Day!

Today's post is in honor of those who will spend Fathers Day without their Dad and for the Mom's who don't have their husband's here on Sunday....who have to be both Mom and Dad!  x


Father's Day is this Sunday....in America!  In Australia, we celebrate it on the first Sunday in September.  However, because we live in the USA for ten months of the year we recognize the holidays here too.  So my husband Peter gets two Father's Day's!

A few days ago as I stood at the stove stirring a bubbling pot of bolognese sauce, I asked Peter if he would contribute his thoughts to my blog on what his Father's Day will be like this year without our daughter.  How he will feel and what its like for him.  His answer was typical of some males grieving.  "No, I don't want to Dee," he told me.  I then asked if I could pick his brain so I could write for him. :)  He tilted his head, smiled and changed the subject.

My Dad who I love so much is the same.  He never talks about the loss of his wife, daughter or grand daughter either.  He's old school and was taught at a young age that you don't talk about your emotions or death.  It seems even though my husband and father are generations apart their opinions on grief are the same.  Just bury it and deal with it.....it's like they have been conditioned from a young age that to show emotion or tears is a sign of weakness!  To me, men who can honor their loss and show vulnerability shows strength and helps with the healing process after the death of a loved one.

For a long time, months, I would get frustrated and angry at Peter that he wouldn't share his most intimate thoughts with me about the loss of Savannah. 

            Peter and Savannah taken on the beach at Surfers Paradise just after she got sick



On many special days like Savannah's birthday he wouldn't even acknowledge it, just kiss me goodbye on his way to work......as if it was like any other day, as I stood in the kitchen with tears pouring down my face, sobbing!  He seemed to be adjusting to life without Savannah fairly easily, leaving me feeling so alone and horribly isolated.  I wanted to witness his tears, to show some tangible evidence that he was feeling the same way as me.

I was afraid the widening gap, my obsession with how he didn't show any emotion over Savannah would swallow up our marriage....not realizing I was actually creating a gap that wouldn’t have existed, if I hadn’t been expecting him to be just like me, instead of accepting him as I knew him to be.

I have read that over seventy percent of marriages end after the loss of a child, scary statistics that made me reassess analyzing how Peter dealt in silence with the shared loss of our adored daughter.  I knew he loved her as much as I did and do. 

When Savannah was alive, every night when Peter got home, his face would light up when she would toddle, like a little doll into his arms.  Remembering those moments reminded me that just because NOW he wasn't crying and showing some sort of physical proof he was suffering the way I was, didn't mean his grief was any less....just that he had learned to hide it and ignore it...to deal with it differently.  But you can't ignore grief, if you don't acknowledge it and wrestle your way through it, it can come back in the form of anger and bitterness, and I see this happening occasionally with other men I know who have lost a loved one.

However, I've accepted Peter's way of coping, he will always be Savannah's Daddy and will always love her and miss her as much as me.  But that doesn't mean I'll stop trying to find opportunities to allow him to let me into his mindset and help him get through the hardest thing as a married couple we will ever have to face. 

So today I bought a lovely Father's Day card from Dempsey AND Savannah.  Dempsey will write inside it, probably something funny that will make Peter smile, and she'll sign her sisters name because she isn't here to do it.

                         One of my favorite photos of Peter and Dempsey


I know that Peter will be missing his other daughter on Sunday, even if he won't outwardly express it.  And, even though Savannah won't be with Peter physically on Father's Day, we'll make it extra special for him....he will always be a dad to TWO daughters, even though only one is here to spoil him.

Way's you can honor a loved one who has died.

(Note; today's post is for Sara.....I hope you can do something special in honor of your beautiful baby boy to ease your pain....even if its just a little. x)



Have you ever been on a roller coaster when all of a sudden you panic, you want to get off...but you can't....you feel scared, there's nothing you can do.....your body is engulfed in fear and it seems like YOU aren't in control anymore....that's what grief feels like to me!

One way that helped me control my grief was to find ways to honor those I've lost in a memorable way.  Doing this created some sense of purpose amongst the chaos that followed each of my losses.....that I was in control of at least something in my life. 

There are many ways you can remember a loved one, the following are just some I've done but may help give you some idea's to help bring you comfort and a feeling of purpose amid your suffering.

For Tarnia, my sister, I asked the funeral director to cut off four locks of her shiny brown hair....I tied each one in a blue satin ribbon for her children.  When they are older, they will have something physical of their mother....especially her twin girls, who never knew her.  I also cut Savannah's hair into a bob before they took her.  I have her golden curls carefully hidden away and don't have the courage to take it out and run my fingers through it....but I will one day....most importantly it's hers, and I'm glad I kept it.

We also planted a cherry blossom tree for Tarnia, one that would bloom around the time of her anniversary each year.

My favourite photo of Savannah taken two months before she died

For my adored Mom, I took her favorite lilac silk shirt and gave it to Dempsey as a security blanket.  Dempsey still has what remains of it today on her bedside table, its ragged and dirty but reminds me of Mom!  I wear her engagement ring with pride and her picture sits where I can see it everyday.....I am able to smile now when I look at it.

And for our angel Savannah, there are so many things I did, and do and will continue to as a legacy to her time here with us.  Because of her death, I'm an Ambassador to The Make A Wish Foundation and volunteer at The Let It Be Foundation....these are other things you can do.  But where to start with Savannah...I guess a few days after she died.......

Savannah's life...and death...had a profound effect on alot of our friends....one special family in particular honored her in such a unique way.  The day after she died a huge cardboard box was delivered to our door amongst all the floral bouquets.....inside were two golden frames from the International Star Registry.  Our friends named a star in Savannah's honour.....its impossible to describe in words the comfort that fills my heart when I look up in the heavens at night knowing there's a twinkling star named after our precious girl.

Savannah was cremated, I couldn't bear the thought of not having her in our home so as morbid as this may sound to some, she sits in a princess urn, on a special shelf Peter created in our family room, where I can pick her up and still hold her.......amongst Dempsey's toys and drawings and mess and noise and visitors that come into our home.

I searched everywhere for a special candle for her shelf, which is pink with rainbow glass.  I light it and it brings me peace as I feel her spirit is present......its almost buried now in angel figurines, cards and other special special gifts friends have kindly given me. 

However the thing that brings me the most comfort is my gold locket I wear everyday.  You see the locket to other people is just a piece of jewellery, but to me its healing and meaningful as it is a tiny urn that holds some of her ashes.  I feel that a part of her hangs over my heart always....she goes with Peter, Dempsey and me wherever we are.

                                                                  Savannah's shelf

As I mentioned in an earlier post, we planted a rose bush and other families I know have created glorious gardens where they can sit peacefully and contemplate.  A friend that lost her little girl had teddy bears sewn for her two daughters out of her angel's clothing....her remaining girls get so much comfort out of these.

There's quilts and cushions that can be made from clothing, special photo frames, scrapbooking, jewellery and plaster casts........all these wonderful treasures that can immortalize the person you miss so much.

And the final one I did for Savannah, that was so personal and hurt so much, one I also carry with me where nobody else can see it...its just for me in memory of our daughter...a tiny butterfly tattoo!

So I hope some of these things I've done can give you some ideas and bring you comfort and meaning as you travel on your journey and empower you to feel in control, somehow.  I know my collection isn't finished, and never will be........

Wishing you sunshine if your cup is blue today! :) x

Acknowledging Loss and Learning to live!

Saturday night we went to a friends birthday party.  We stumbled through the front door loaded up with drinks and Dempsey's things like we had just left 'Toys R Us'......upon arriving I was introduced to an attractive lady with a warm welcoming smile, who shook my hand, introducing herself, her husband and  her gorgeous teenage daughter, who had dimples like Dempsey. 

A little while later, a friend took me aside and whispered that the lady I had just met belonged to the same club as me......no, not 'Brownies' or the local 'Mom's Group'.......a club no-one ever wants to be part of.  Like me, she had lost one of her daughters.

I looked at her trying to see if there was any indication of her grief...no, there were no visible scars, no big red sign hanging around her neck that screamed "My daughter died and I miss her", she seemed happy, laughing and chatting away like any other party goer.  I wondered how she was coping and wondered if I should approach her and tell her I was sorry for her loss, and that she wasn't alone....that my daughter had died too.  I decided it was the right thing to do, and that if it was me I'd want someone to do the same......to acknowledge my loss!

So I did, and we sat amongst the noise and shared our struggles about life NOW, she, with tears in her eyes, making me aware her grief is still raw and fresh....we talked about how sad it is that we don't get to say our daughters name as much anymore and how somedays you feel like shouting to the world how hard it is.  However, we also laughed and talked about clothes and kids and wine and normal things that women talk about at a party. 

When your grief is fresh, social situations can make you feel vulnerable..."What if someone asks if Dempsey is my only child?"  or like the many times before, if confronted by my story, people clam up, not knowing how to respond.  Before the death of my family members, I would've been one of those people too....but now I know its best to acknowledge the persons loss and show some compassion, even if its just a " I can't imagine how hard it must be." 

As I hugged this new friend and thanked her for sharing her story, I looked around the room, no-one else had any idea about our 'new' identities, how loss changes you forever, but also, how you can learn to laugh again and enjoy yourself despite losing a loved one.  You don't want to be known as a victim but as a survivor.....and she, like me is a survivor.

Meeting her reinforced to me again, that the human spirit is an amazing thing.  We both share something extroadinary in common, however, despite our losses, we can still put on a pretty dress, smile, and be like any other person in the room.  You do learn to hide under a mask of make-up and CAN, again, enjoy every challenge and expereince life continues to throw at you.....even if it is too many red wines, on a Saturday night, with a group of loving friends, simply enjoying life....sometimes thats the best medicine of all!

I hope this post can bring you some comfort and know that you will, and can, have sunshine again in your blue cup. :) x

Dempsey and me, Saturday before the party :)

Things that can help on your blue days!

Everyone has blue days.....the days when you feel like pulling the blankets over your head and not moving.  I call them my 'pity party' days.

If you are grieving or going through tough times, those days come on sometimes without warning, like a huge tidal wave that crash's down on you. 

Then there are the obvious ones....birthdays, anniversarys or just special ones that mean something to you.  Sometimes, I see a little girl that reminds me of Savannah, and thats enough to set me off!  Or like the day when I followed a lady around a store because she wore the same perfume as my MOM :)....crazy I know, but when hard days happen, sometimes its like you have no choice in being down. 

Anything can trigger a 'pity party' day......when mine happen I surround myself with my comfort collection.  I do whatever I need to to get through the day, sometimes taking things minute by minute if I have to....then I tell myself......"Tomorrow will be a better day!" Try and put a smile on my face and do what I need to do!


Above are my things, my survival kit on my blue days....what are yours?

Dempsey
My gold locket(whats inside is the special thing, which I'll talk about in another blog) on a chain, with my 'believe' charm and my dad's St Christopher medal
A phone call to a loved one
Chocolate
A crisp glass of wine
Loud Music that I can feel sad with
Peanut Butter....or any comfort food
Candles
Trashy magazines to escape reality :)
My pillow
And last and most importantly is one I couldn't photograph....but  that gives me the biggest comfort of all
LOVE!!

I hope you find some sunshine today to fill your blue cup if you need to!  :)

"Friends"

Dempsey with two of her best friends....my sister's twins Emerald and Charlotte.....Dempsey's cousins who adore her :)

You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. "Charlotte from Charlotte's Web"


So I'm sitting here with my laptop on my lap :)  I feel an overwhelming sense of being loved today! 

Friends, what does that word conjure up for you?  I looked it up in my online dictionary what the definition of a friend is...this is what they say:  a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

What is a friend to you?  A friend to me is someone who is there for you 24/7, sometimes they just listen, or embrace you in a hug, make you laugh, or cry, and sometimes they offer advice, whether it be good or bad......and sometimes, they provide you with all you need to get through a day!

After Savannah died, I lost alot of 'friends', I think my grief and loss was too hard for some.  Before my daugther died, I was one of those girlfriends that you wanted to have around, when times were good and I would dance on an occasional table or be funny, ....but then the times set in when I needed a bit more than just laughter and light heartedness.....when I needed someone to ask three little words!  "How are you?"  Just a few words but so powerful and meaningful to someone who has lost their way.

My Dad has always said to me that you are very lucky if you can count your true friends on one hand!  I feel very lucky!  Now, today, I'm fortunate to have such very very special friends, who have become a lifeline, even when they don't know it.  They make me laugh out loud sometimes, and sometimes they fill me with such an overwhelming sense of grattitude at how lucky I am...it really is a physical feeling that causes a warm feeling in my soul.

Anyone going through a loss or challenge needs to surrounds themselves with true friends, energy givers I call them!  I've got rid of all my energy suckers, people that were in my life for the wrong reasons and who sucked the energy out of me....somedays when I had none.

So now I tell all those who help me survive, who put light in my life how important they are to me......maybe one day they'll need my ear to listen.  I'll feel so blessed to have been able to have helped them the way they have me!

On my blue days I know I have a handful of people that I can turn to who will make me feel better, make me feel loved and fill my blue cup with sunshine!  I hope you do to! :) x

PS; just as I hit the post button to publish this....a downy white feather floated down from the sky and landed a few feet away from me, my neighbor Renee who has just lost her cousin was with me...so we were fighting over who the feather was for :) ....they say feathers are a sign from a loved one in heaven(which I'll write about in another blog)....I can only imagine its one of my loved ones letting me know they are thinking of me :)

Well, I've been neglecting my blog lately, so it's time to get my fingers back on the keyboard and start writing again. 

March seems to have all but disappeared, Spring is already on us and Easter is just around the corner.  Its a beautiful time of year.  Blossom trees are in full bloom and the jasmine vine at our front door is bursting with colors and an overwhelming scent that welcomes people to our home.  The perfume is refreshing and awakens my senses (it also disguises our trash bins hiding amongst it :) ).

Spring is also a time for new beginnings, so its time to get cracking and make my dreams happen instead of waiting for them to come to me.  I've started a distance education course to further my dream of becoming a counsellor and helping others like me who are dealing with loss, grief and wanting to move forward instead of holding onto the past and,.......I've finally joined twitter!!!!  It's never too late to change your habits and follow your passion.

If you believe your past is more powerful than the present you can get bogged down and lost by dwelling on what should've been instead of the "what is!"  We all have choices and we can choose to create a different, exciting new future with what we have and what we have learned from loss or negative past experiences.

By looking at the lessons I've learned(which I will talk about more in another blog) through losing 3 close family members in 3 years, I can see the gift that my sister, mother and daughter have left me with.  And that is to choose life, to choose to make each day count....that YOU are capable of anything, even happiness again.

One of my best girlfriends called me last week to tell me her 57 year old sister has been given 6 months to live.  The conversation had a profound effect on me and made me want to hug Dempsey, ring my family and friends and tell them how much I love them and to DO something constructive with the time I am blessed to have.  It made me question what I would do had I been given such horrific, terminal news and made me look at what things in life I still want to achieve.  In that way, Anne-Marie has given me a wonderful gift through her illness.

What would you do if you were given 6 months to live?  Would it change the way you are living now?  Its certainly food for thought!  And as cliched as it sounds, we should all live each day as if its our last!  So make a list, make some time, and make your dreams happen! x