"The little red flags that remind us to LIVE!" x

My neighbor Renee often leaves me gifts hanging on the spikes of our front gate. Sometimes it’s her hand me down tops, or a sweet candy surprise for Dempsey. Yesterday, it was a supermarket bag jam packed with a bunch of old magazines.

And you may wonder where this is going; apart from the fact I have a generous neighbor! Well, while flicking through one of these outdated magazines I stumbled on what I like to believe is a tangible sign from…..maybe my beautiful Mum! The words on the page stopped me dead in my tracks! I ripped it out as a reminder!


You see one thing I’ve learned through my journey is to ‘take notice of coincidences,’ these so called random flukes or accidental occurrences that ‘just happen!’


A few days ago, I’d been chatting with a friend of mum’s who mentioned an old song she was listening to called “Angeline” by Joan Baez, how it reminded her of where we grew up together…..I’ve never heard of this singer, however today, as I opened one of Renee’s magazine's, you can imagine my surprise as this is what I found………..

The quote glaring up at me from the page is;


“YOU DON’T GET TO CHOOSE HOW YOU’RE GOING TO DIE. OR WHEN. BUT YOU CAN DECIDE HOW YOU’RE GOING TO LIVE NOW.’ - JOAN BAEZ

As I read this quote, two things popped into my head….”What a coincidence, and this is a sign from one of my loved ones!”

Before the death of my sister, mum and daughter, I wouldn’t have thought much of this coincidence……but after devouring many metaphysical books, I now believe these messages are itty bitty signposts that I am on the right track in life.

Now, I take notice of this so called phenomenon, it rattles my cage, jolts me back into the present and reassures me I’m on my true path in this life.

The books state these ‘coincidences’ are like red flags to guide you, to help you believe and to signal like a lighthouse beam that you are heading in your destiny’s direction. Whether you believe that or not, I heed these seemingly random red flags, that seem to be waving madly like a Flag Marshall at the end of a Grand Prix Race.

It’s not like my Mum can place a monstrous neon red flashing billboard on the freeway saying “Diana, it’s your mother…choose to be happy and live!” No I think these little subtle coincidences are really secret hidden messages sent to instill belief…to convince me and inspire me to keep going in this direction I’ve chosen.....on this sometimes twisting turning passage called life.

So in saying all that and now you think I’m completely bonkers, off my rocker and crazy (which I already knew). I tore out this Joan Baez quote and put it on my fridge to give me a little nudge, or a shove every day not to forget.

My fridge is full of photos, that prompt me to squeeze every bit of happiness and ‘life’ out of the day. And we do become bogged down with full washing machines of dirty clothes (I don’t iron anymore :)) and we waste time surfing the internet, and doing the mundane things instead of engaging in the important stuff.

This crinkled and worn "Words to LIVE by" is one of my favorites I read everyday...alongside the reminder that "Dull women have immaculate houses!" :)


So look out for the subtle signs that are bona fide, that can knock your socks off...they may just be a sign sent from heaven never to forget, and ALWAYS to believe!

P.S;  This is my gorgeous walking, talking, dimpled reminder to grab the good and wrap my arms around life....and choose to 'live!' :)

What are yours? x

Losing AND gaining friends after grief! x

Sometimes, after a life altering event, strangers become friends and friends become strangers…..


It’s like some friends put you in the “too hard basket.”

I am blessed to have all weather friends, and I love them for that.....but I did lose some after Savannah died!

It’s difficult when friends run and duck for cover, avoid us and pretend everything is ‘normal’ when it’s not…… But that’s human nature I guess. It certainly weeds out the people who matter, who didn’t and who never will. And that is sad, but it’s the reality of being a casualty of grief.

As I lost one after the other, after the other, after the other of my family...I saw friends drop off the radar, stop emailing, phoning and making an effort to invite me out. And to be honest, I DIDN’T want to be lured out to trivial birthday or house warming parties where everyone was laughing or drunk…or celebrating some insignificant (to me) ‘happy’ occasion…...

No, I wanted to hide from reality and get through some tough days, or hours, or minutes….where I could curl up under the blankets and pretend the world was different to what it truly was.  It was the only way I knew how to survive.

When Savannah was diagnosed, out of the blue with her fatal illness, I went from a girl who occasionally danced on tables and was the life of the party to someone who’s world had been demolished…shattered! Like a hurricane had ripped through it!  And I didn’t know how I would get through moments let alone days after being told my child was going to die and there was nothing we could do to save her life.

Savannah at Disneyland just after she was diagnosed....we wanted to take her there before she got too sick.  Love this photo!


Life doesn’t get any harder or any more real than that. And I knew, having such a large circle of friends, they would call, some out of pure love and concern, and others out of curiosity…….. And I couldn’t face them!

So at that time, Peter and I decided to send out the email below ….

Peter and I thought we should email our friends and let them know about Savannah's test results. We know people are probably aware she was having tests, and up until last week we did not have a diagnosis.

Savannah has been diagnosed with Metachromatic Leukodystrophy (MLD), which we had never heard of until now. Metachromatic Leukodystrophy is a terminal illness caused by a rare genetic fault from Peter and I.

Unfortunately, there is no treatment. Bone Marrow and Stem Cell Transplant is experimental at this stage and we are still consulting with Doctors' as to whether it is an appropriate treatment for her condition.

Savannah is still the same beautiful little girl she always has been, she is just having problems with her walking at this stage.

As you can understand it is a very emotional and difficult time for us and our families. We are trying to come to terms with everything and make decisions on what is best for Savannah.

We just ask that you give us some time and not contact us, as you can understand it is just too difficult to talk about at the moment.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Thank You.


And we did need time out……to sort how we were going to carry on……. And as days turned into months and years I didn’t think ‘some’ friends would take that email literally and NEVER contact us ever again….but that’s how it is.

And I can look back now at all the people who aren’t in our life anymore….some I’ve chosen to cut ties with….who didn’t ‘understand’ that to lose a child is one of the hardest things that life can deal you! And some, have chosen not to stay in touch….and I’m fine with that NOW too! I’m not the same! There’s no going back to who I was……my identity now, has changed.

In saying all that, one friend I love who I did lose contact with, just through moving and life getting in the way, tracked me down me last Saturday…..through this blog!

I don’t have the words to express how thrilled I am that Natalie somehow found me……and we’ve talked, and laughed and cried and talked on top of one another. And the beauty of ‘old friends’ is that you have history with them.

Natalie hugging me at her wedding.....I was her bridesmaid and she was mine! :)


Natalie knew my sister, my beautiful mum AND Savannah……how lovely for me that she had the courage to make that first move and reconnect!

So to any of your reading that aren’t sure how to act around someone facing a challenge….pick up the phone or type that email…. Bonds that are created during hardships are some of the strongest ones…..YOU have the opportunity to really help and touch another….and it feels good, trust me!

And as for Natalie and me, well we’ve planned a reunion.  I promised to dance on a table again…with her …and to hug her and introduce Dempsey to her twins. It will be big! :)

love you Nat! x

A smoking gun? One explanation for growth after grief! x

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Do you ever read something or hear something and it’s like “Whammy?”

Like a lightening bolt has struck you!

You shake your head, utter “Wow, Oh my gosh…I get it now!”

Oprah describes it as an “Aha Moment.” Well I had one of those moments….a revelation after I read Kim’s insightful “Alive and Mortal” blog.

As my eyes scanned the article, it was like someone had turned a blinding light on….like I'd found the smoking gun that explains why I see beauty in the minor details of life….now! 

And sometimes it sounds cliché, but I do see the richness of the little things in my day to day experiences, that I didn’t before.

Kim posted an article from MSNBC.com on post trauma. It’s not about post traumatic stress syndrome, rather “Post traumatic GROWTH syndrome.”

In the article it states how after grief or trauma,

“Some never recover. But most do. In fact, nearly two thirds of trauma victims, even those who had extreme pain, say they ultimately benefited from the aftermath of their experience, according to the research of Richard G. Tedeschi, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte.

Tedeschi and his colleagues have tracked outcomes for people who survived accidents and other traumas, such as life-threatening illnesses or the death of a child, and identified a phenomenon they call post-traumatic growth:

Some survivors grow closer to people they love; others develop a sense of personal strength or appreciation for life.  Still others deepen their spiritual beliefs or change their career and life goals."

 You can read the full article here on Kim’s blog: http://expressive-arts.blogspot.com/2011/01/post-trauma-recovery.html


I have to agree…my direction has changed, altered, been hijacked….however you want to describe it!  I wouldn't be writing this blog if it wasn't for grief.  I do see life in a different light now. A beaming bright glaring radiance.....in a more appreciative and intensified manner.


Savannah is why I see the world the way I do today! My sister Tarnia, and my Mum have also added to my growth into a person who values every crumb of my existence. Even though my grief will always be there, it’s like now, the world has been stripped bare for me to see the beauty. And I have grief to thank for that.

So in saying that, every week, I hope to post some photos from my days to inspire, to show gratitude and to ‘choose life’ in just the little things that I grasp onto…

Here are some moments from my past week that I am thankful for.....

   Dempsey all rugged up, on her first trip to experience snow at Writghtwood!

A picture speaks a thousand words....squeezing my baby...is there anything better?

Watching Demps build her very first Snowman with tender loving care!

Winter has melted into Summer this week in California....I love to watch my girl swim laps on a warm Saturday afternoon

 Another day I am blessed to enjoy..............Sunset from our backyard last Friday.....no words are needed!

One of my favorite things in my world...candles!  My new candelabra on our Friday night happy hour where I get to enjoy laughter, love and the company of friends! 

 Dempsey feeding the swarm of ducks chunks of stale bread.  Grubby and gorgeous after a day in the sand at the park!

 Just one word!  "Love"

The thought of Dempsey opening her lunchbox today and imagining the smile my little notes bring to her sweet cheeks!


I hope in the future, those of you reading who are experiencing fresh grief will also have this gift….actually I don’t hope…I know in time, the gift of engaging in life and being grateful for the little things and who you become through grief will transform you.

PS:  Thank you to all those who commented, emailed and supplied me with love on Savannah's Anniversary.....know you made a difference to my day.  Thank You!  Diana x

Some thoughts of my Angel for her Anniversary.......

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Tears come easy this week.  It’s Savannah’s week. 

Even though the Anniversary of her death is on the 14^th, my sadness starts early….and every year I wonder if THIS year will be different.  Well its not! 

I had to count on my fingers how many years it's been as it still feels like yesterday.  And I ummed and ahhed over writing this post as it's not inspirational, just my honest feelings......  I didn't want to seem like I am having a 'pity party'...but I am.  

Monday, I found myself in the cheerful card aisle at Target, with tears dripping down my face as I tried to choose a birthday card for my Dad.  I can’t help thinking his time to leave could be any moment.  He turns 77 on the 23^rd of January.  And I know he can’t live forever.

The song "Because you loved me" came on the radio in the car this morning…..I changed the station, but my fragile state of mind couldn’t be altered……

My daughter’s Anniversary is one of my hardest days, yes, every single year!  And I know I can’t fix that.  I know I have to work through my grief and let the misery and unfairness of it all envelop me.  I also know that by mid afternoon I'll feel better as  the day moves on.  It’s the only way I know………….

    Savannah the week she was diagnosed with her fatal illness.....

Tomorrow it will be seven short years since she left

Tomorrow I will sob

Tomorrow I will relive her final hours, remembering her fighting to breathe

Tomorrow there will be a crushing pain inside me

Tomorrow I will be grateful I am her Mum

Tomorrow I will obsess over ‘why?’

Tomorrow I will try and stay busy

Tomorrow I will be thankful for everything Savannah taught me

Tomorrow most people I encounter won’t know my daughter died this day

Tomorrow Dempsey will help remind me how lucky I am, even when I feel unlucky

Tomorrow I won’t have the energy to do something in her memory but knowing if I do I will feel better

Tomorrow some people will avoid me

Tomorrow some people will be there for me

Tomorrow I won’t care about anything that needs to be done in my house

Tomorrow I’ll avoid watching the healthy happy kids at school her age

Tomorrow I will conceal my tears from others

Tomorrow I will miss some special friends

Tomorrow I will hurt that Savannah went through so much pain that she didn’t deserve

Tomorrow I will feel guilt at that pain she went through, that as a mother I couldn’t take away.

Tomorrow I know those who remember will remember how special Savannah was

Tomorrow I know my mum won’t hug me and make me feel better

Tomorrow I will feel sorry for myself

Tomorrow I will appreciate my family and friends

Tomorrow my husband won’t acknowledge Savannah’s Anniversary

Tomorrow will be a day normal for most…life goes on the same for them

Tomorrow I will still be without my daughter

Tomorrow I will miss what I could’ve had, should’ve been and isn't 

Tomorrow I will miss smelling her smell and smoothing her hair and looking into her beautiful blue eyes that said so much, even though she'd lost the ability to speak

I wish I could skip tomorrow………………………………………

     Our angel..................

Tomorrow if you can, do something you love for my little girl who can't be here.  Hug your children, indulge in something sweet, notice the smell of a flower and the warmth of the sunshine.....all those things were so special to her and will make me feel she has touched someone on her special day.....

Thank you!

Diana x

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My wall of 'dead people'

**The following article was published on http://www.opentohope.com/ where there are some wonderful articles on surviving grief.....
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Do you ever find comfort from a stranger?

I guess people who are the closest to us treat us differently……they mollycoddle us, handle us with kid gloves.....treat us in a different way……..

While in Australia over Christmas I met a girl, an outsider to my world, who knew nothing of my losses. It was interesting to chat to her about ‘my life’……I don’t usually tell new people I meet how I’ve lost so many family members, it blows their minds sometimes.  But I’m glad I did with her!

In our little cottage in Australia I have a wall of dead people! 

That may seem strange to some, but not to anyone reading who is traveling this road through grief, it’s not so odd..  I love my wall. I love that my mum’s photo is there, in her stunning black hat.  Looking elegant and happy on the day of our wedding.  It's healing to have my sister Tarnia up on it, to remind me how precious her children are....and as a reminder to enjoy life!  And then there's Savannah....oh how I take comfort being surrounded by her sweet angelic face!

   My wall in Australia...and if I'm not mistaken, as I posted this I'm sure there's an ORB next to Savannah's baby photo.......maybe it was our Angel wanting to be in the photo!



However, I guess it’s confronting to some, maybe a bit morbid……but it’s no different to having them there if they were alive. It’s just that they aren’t!

Peter and I have decided to build a new home in Australia, overlooking a lake, on a grassy hill where I will be able to enjoy my morning fix of caffeine while drinking in the view and serenity of water. I can’t wait! Well anyway, this girl who is handling our home plans had to meet with us to discuss the changes we’d made to the sketches.

   Our 2 acre block in Australia where we'll build our new home and new memories.



During her two hour consultation we sat in front of my wall. This is how the conversation went…………..

“It’s nice to finally meet you both….What brought you to this little country town anyway?”

I told her about my sister Tarnia, how after she was killed we wanted to be near her children and Tone……. She was shocked of course and offered her condolences…I pointed out the photo of Tarnia I have on the wall and I could see in her eyes that she felt genuinely sorry for my loss. But I didn’t go further as I could’ve......

After a few minutes of her absorbing my bombshell about Tarnia, we got back to business.

“So Peter and Diana, I see you’ve enlarged one of the bedrooms, why was that?”

“That’s our daughter’s room, so we’ve decided to increase her space.”

“Okay, so how many children do you have?”

This is where it always gets tricky!  I'd already traumatised her after Tarnia's story.....should I tell her about Savannah....Mum?


I know from experience people can freak out when you tell them, it's like I've somehow grown two heads!  Some don't know how to react and I notice them shift in their chair, uncomfortable and not knowing what to say with such information……that we HAD two children but one died…… So I decided not to go there, just to say we have one child, Dempsey! We discussed the plans and while Peter stepped outside to take a call she was admiring my photos on the wall…this one in particular……

    Our Family Portrait taken when Savannah was three and getting sicker.  Dempsey was only 6     weeks old.............



I could see her mind ticking over, she could clearly see there were two children in the photo, and I have to admit, I was slightly amused that I knew what she was thinking…..who was the other little girl in the photo? I also knew she wasn’t going to ask.

Because I know how people react when I tell them ‘my story’, I didn’t want to spoil her day…..so I decided against putting the pieces to the puzzle together for her.


Anyway, a few days later she had to phone me over some house stuff. I guess her curiosity got the better or her and that conversation went like this…….

“So, Diana, Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure, what’s up?”

"I couldn’t help but notice in your family portrait that there are two children……was the other little girl from a previous marriage?”

I had to smile…funny, I never imagined someone thinking that. Especially since I had told her I’d been with Peter since I was a teenager.

So I decided to spill the beans, tell her EVERYTHING…..her reaction was just as I suspected….shock, disbelief, amazement and…………..support.  She went on to ask if I minded telling her what Savannah died of?  How does someone survive that? How do I cope?…amongst other things.  And I found the whole conversation so comforting. Here was a complete stranger giving me comfort that some of my friends haven’t been able to supply….some 'best' friends!

And I found out she has skeletons too, life altering health issues that she felt she could confide in me about. How amazing I thought!

We chatted for almost an hour, not about trivial house plans but about “life” and hopes and our fears. And I have to wonder why this ‘stranger’ could talk to me about all this and some of my closest friends can’t?

I kinda believe it’s because people feel talking about Savannah or Mum or Tarnia will upset me…..that somehow it will remind me of all the sad stuff……. Well you don’t forget….it lives inside you every single day! If only people would take a moment to mention their names sometimes, or tell a story of something they remember…..it is soothing to the soul of anyone who has lost a loved one. A gift! It keeps their memory alive for us who remain without them.

I also remember meeting my lovely friend Steph. The first night she joined our crew for a BBQ, she took me aside and said she’d heard so much about Savannah….and could she see a photo!  How special that was for me.....to be able to introduce and show off our beautiful angel who touched so many lives. I will never forget it!

    One of my wall's here that I had the pleasure of showing Steph!


And my dear friend Lynny, I still read the sympathy card she sent us…pouring over her words. They don’t say “Sorry for your loss”….they talk of a time when we visited her house…and how Savannah loved gooey pizza and the song “Five Little Ducks.” And I love her for that! All these things may not mean much to those living, but they mean so much to us…………..people who are missing their loved ones.

So to any of you reading who haven’t lost a child, or a parent, or a sibling….or somebody special…..I encourage you to talk about our loved ones, it’s like a warm embrace to us. A chance to revisit some memories and say their names again. I love to talk about Savannah but find the opportunities are becoming less and less these days as time marches on, and I find that sad……..


And as for my new friend who is helping build our home….there’ a bond there now. The last conversation I had with her she told me she hadn’t stopped thinking about me, Savannah or our chat....how it's changed her priorites.  She also told me she wanted to go to Italy, more than anything....and that she's going, this year now! 

We ended our chat with her telling me she was about to phone her her mother in-law, who was uncomfortable leaving her house and leaving her husbands ashes behind. Kim told me with a smile, she was going to invite them BOTH for Christmas dinner this year………………………..




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Gratitude after grief for the new year! x

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"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude!” Thorton Wilder



Every new year I buy a diary.

In it I write important dates like birthday’s and anniversaries for the coming twelve months. It almost seems there are as many death anniversary dates as birthdays these days……..I always wonder where I’ll be in the pages ahead….who will be with us and IF we’ll lose anyone this year? That’s my reality! However, I think that’s a gift….to be aware that TODAY, the present, is a gift. To be enjoyed and never to be taken for granted.

January is a difficult month. It’s the month our daughter Savannah died. I do think of what we were doing on these days in January years ago as she got sicker and sicker and we knew her time was running out. And I try not to let my mind wander to the painful parts…….It was so sad and it’s hard not to think of what she endured. All of that is part of who I am now. I will be that person forever.

     Savannah a few months before she died..............


I am changed, there’s no going back.  However, now I look at life differently and live life fuller than what I did all those years ago……before I experienced so much loss.

I tell those people important to me how much I love them….and probably indulge in a bit too much red wine sometimes!  And as each new year converges on me, I feel a little bit further away from Savannah. And I hate that!


At this time of year, so many people are making lists, new year resolutions with hope’s and things they want to change about themselves. And it is a good idea to set a new goal……..my wish this year is to cultivate happiness! It’s all about choices and choosing to have the right attitude each day. How hard can that be?

   We bought this last weekend too....it's a lovely reminder to keep wishing and hoping........


And how can I not be happy when I have so much to be grateful for? I only have to look at Dempsey’s mischievous grin and soulful eyes to boost my serotonin levels. She’s a walking, talking example of how simple life is and how in truth, all we really need is unadorned love and mindfulness of what can be taken away in a heartbeat to become appreciative.

   My precious Demps!


Peter bought me a camera on the weekend, you know, one of those fancy, fan dangled cameras with buttons and dials that look like something out of a space ship! I can’t wait to learn how to capture memories and decorate this blog with tiny bits of my days that I am fortunate enough to enjoy……..so get ready to be inundated! I want to be able to illuminate the little things that can magnify just how exquisite the world really is!


I have the privilege of being alive, of being present……it is my responsibility as Dempsey’s mum to be HAPPY and notice and pass on to her the little things in this world. Just this morning on the way to her school we noticed the mountain Big Bear is almost covered in snow. It’s magnificent! How fortunate we are to have this view every single day, when so many are stuck in poverty and homelessness. Yes, grief has left its mark on me…..opening my eyes, that’s for sure!

     Big Bear Mountain in the background this morning!  Beautiful!



So fasten your seat belts! 2011 will pass us by before we know it!


Don’t forget to slow down, to smile at strangers, to grab the good out of every single day….to STOP and notice the little things that can feed your spirit, share them around. Set good intentions, dream big and hold on particularly tight to your loved ones around you. There’s no stopping time!

                                The card my lovely neighbor Renee gave me..............




Thank you to all of you who have read my blog this year.....you inspire me to keep writing if I know I've helped just one of you with my journey!  I appreciate your support...YOU fill my blue cup with sunshine! :) x
Happy New Year!



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My reflective Christmas Eve!

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It’s really hard to not be reflective this time of year.


Tomorrow is Christmas Day, a time when we should be surrounded by ALL those we love. We should be laughing and enjoying gift giving……and too much champagne! We should be hoovering down too much rich cheese and crackers and turkey and sweet stuff. Should be talking too much and answering the phone with a “Ho Ho Ho!”


But some of us have a different Christmas to other families, one where some chairs at the dining table will be empty. And there’s absolutely nothing I can do about that for our little family….I can accept that now…….


Christmas for some of us can make us feel out of tune with the rest of the people we know..........if you’ve lost someone special in your life.


As each year passes, I never know what the day will bring and that’s scary sometimes…………already I’ve been up and down with different moments of longing for Savannah, wondering what we’d be putting under the Christmas tree tonight for her….I wonder what my Mum would be telling me not to buy for her, and how she’d ask what pretty outfit I had picked out for tomorrow.



My sister Tarnia would’ve already baked her shortbread, cutting out the buttery morsels with a cookie cutter into star patterns as she always did, covering them gently with sifted icing sugar!



I wish sometimes life was cookie cutter perfect, but its not! That’s’ the reality, and I can wallow and allow myself to spiral into the abyss of sadness or TRY to see my life as it is……….without my Mum, my sister or Savannah in it. I have to take comfort in my memories of past Christmases and HOPE I will have many more to enjoy. And after some amount of time you do realize that memories are precious. I’ve already made many today to hoard away to reflect on….if I’m lucky enough to be here next year!

Tone and my sister's four beautiful children tonight...Alexander, Fraser, Emerald and Charlotte.  Dempsey...oh and me! :)




Tone arrived tonight with my sister’s and his four beautiful children. Tucked behind their back was a plastic plate filled with shortbread…Tarnia’s recipie…..without the icing sugar or the star shapes but made with love and the force of a Dad trying to make this time of year special….to keep some memories and traditions alive for his kids! The shortbread are delicious and meant so much to me to see Tarnia’s girls deliver them, with beaming smiles at how proud they were to have made them. Alexander and Fraser are young men now, gorgeous and happy and seemingly unaffected….I am grateful for that!

                    Tarnia's shortbread and mint slice Tone and Emerald and Charlotte made for xmas


Dad stopped in and shared a beer with Peter and me….it was tradition in our home growing up to have Christmas Eve drinks…..that tradition is still alive and kicking in our house……and I love that!



And then there’s Demps….what can I say. I wish everyone could share in my feeling of appreciation and pure joy at watching her tonight getting ready for Santa! Her excitement tonight is MY Christmas gift this year.

   Dempsey writing out the reindeers name tags! :)


She has been sitting at our kitchen counter, cutting out name tags for Santa’s reindeers….we cut up nine chunks of carrot for his antlered workers and she has meticulously placed them on a concrete pillar outside our door……

     Demps with the carrots ready...


Santa has cookies and milk and Dempsey’s specialty, a home made card, it’s all so precious I can’t help but feel overwhelmed with thankfulness for my little girl……tinged with sadness that her sister didn’t help tonight.

Dempsey, all ready for bed and Santa!
     

I know tomorrow tears will wake me as they always do Christmas morning….however I’ll cry and smile and love what the day brings. Swept up with the magic of what I DO have………



And to any of you reading who are suffering through your first Christmas without a loved one, I wish you strength…..to others who are experiencing their second or fifth or tenth or twenty-first or thirtieth Christmas without your special family members…I wish you strength too and hope you can find a few moments during the day to reflect, to smile, and to enjoy enough of whatever it may be you need out of the day.......


Merry Christmas!



With love



Diana x

Christmas and all its trimmings after you've lost someone................

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When I was a little girl, Christmas was a magical time.  My favorite holiday of the year.  My sister Tarnia,  my brother Mark and me would hang pillow cases over our mantle that we’d decorated and covered with messages to Santa....hoping that the jolly old man would cram them full with what we’d wished for.

 

Mum was always the matriarch, waking early, tying her frilly apron on, ready to shove the fat turkey in the oven…..usually with a glass of bubbling champagne on the edge of the counter.  And by mid afternoon we’d play with our new gifts and stuff ourselves with the turkey, then finish off with some delicious Christmas pudding my Nanna always made.  It was tradition!

     My beautiful Mum and Dad on Christmas day many moons ago.....I have some great memories.................................

As a kid, Nanna’s Christmas pudding's were always extra special because they were filled with pieces of silver…old fashioned Australian coins like sixpence’s that we’d exchange for modern currency.  The pudding was always the best part…..blended with Nanna’s love and plump sherry soaked raisins, dried apricots, cherries and sultanas.  How I loved her pudding!

However Christmas these days is different….and like Nanna’s pudding that was mixed and infiltrated with different flavors, my Christmas has assorted emotions….happiness and sadness, unpredictable moments…..and unique ones.  It’s intoxicating and exhausting, loving, comforting and confronting.  However, I am eternally thankful for all that I have that I can’t wrap up….like love and laughter……yet, I will always feel a squeeze of  pain that those I’ve lost won’t be sharing our Christmas feast and hugs.

Christmas with a child missing will forever be different…..and I know I’m not the only one who will miss their beloved ones who have died this Christmas day. 

   Savannah on her first Christmas, my sister Tarnia gave her the reindeer antlers...Beautiful!

Yes, the special meaning Christmas day once had is a bit tarnished, but it still manages to sparkle and feed my spirit….how can it not? 

Down the main street of our little town, Christmas Carols have been softly piped through speakers along the footpath.  The first time I heard Silent Night I had to blink back tears….the effect peaceful and reflective.   

And watching Dempsey blissfully decorate our tree nourished my soul.  She carefully hung a beautiful bejeweled ‘S’ for her sister, kissed it and found a special spot on the branches.  “That’s for you Savannah!”  She said with a smile!

Demps dressing our tree last week.......................

I bet we have different decorations to our other friends….and I’m okay with that now.  We honor those we’ve lost on our tree with photos, angels and a symbolic four letter word “HOPE”…my favorite!  All of these mementos bring me comfort that I’m doing something to honor those I love who aren’t here.  They boost my spirit with sweetness, like the candy coated canes hanging beside them on our tree!  It is gratifying that at least I can do something……..

Some photo decorations my cousin Heather gave me of her son Paul and dear Aunty Ercie who both aren't with us anymore.

 

There are other things we do in our house and if you are searching for ideas that will bring you a small slice of peace, here are some; clink your glasses and toast in cheers to those who are missing, reminisce and tell a funny story about your loved ones.  Light a symbolic candle in remembrance.  Buy a gift for another child that needs one.  Volunteer at a shelter or for a friend who may be going through a hard time and may need some help this time of year.  Place something of your child’s under the tree, like we do with Savannah’s teddy bear.

Savannah's Pink Teddy bear lays under the tree........

 And the most important one for me is to make a conscious effort to grab the good out of the day, to enjoy, to be present, to be appreciative and outspoken about my love for those important in my life.  I’ll notice the small moments that are rewards and reminders to appreciate the things that can’t be wrapped and placed under the tree…..like hope, happiness, health and the joy on the little one’s faces as they rip open their gifts, innocent and lost in the magic of Christmas.

Dempsey's letter to Santa this year....made me smile and is a reminder to enjoy and treasure some special things that money can't buy..........................

Sending love and wishing you strength for the days leading up to Christmas if your cup is blue!

Not as strong as you think!

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Yesterday, I found out I’m not as strong as I thought I was. Yesterday, I went to a funeral.



I wouldn’t have missed it however. I wanted to be there for my friend Sally who is like a sister to me. We’ve been besties for over thirty years. We grew up together in a small country town. Shared scraped knees, secrets and have laughed until we’ve nearly wet our pants...she’s THAT kinda friend.


We were housemates for five years, were like the bobbsie twins! Inseparable….knowing what the other was thinking… sharing heartache over boys and holidaying together. I know her like I know Dempsey.

                                        Sal and me on our way to Bali, we were both 20 years old.....
                                                   

Sal is a special girl, with a generous soul…..an amazing human being! Selfless and funny, with one of those laughs that makes you laugh when you hear it.


Every week when Savannah was sick, Sal packaged up something for her and sent it. Sometimes a book, or a Winnie the Pooh face washer, butterfly mobile or a teddy bear hot water bottle……every single week, a package arrived in our letter box in the USA from Sal in Australia! She will never know the absolute joy she gave Savannah when the big parcels arrived and I’ll never be able to repay her for that.

    A rag doll Sal sent Savannah...one of the many generous gifts she sent to our angel.



When Sal rang to say her sister Ann-Maree had died last week, I had to go for her!


Ann-Maree had cancer, she left an adoring husband, a son, a daughter and three grandchildren……….she was 56!


On average, I get to see Sal every four years, so this opportunity to support HER for once was a no brainer…..I was going.



The church in Melbourne was steel-grey, the courtyard shadowed not just from the mid morning sun, but from the many mourners who flocked there, dressed in their best black outfits. Groups huddled together, whispering and offering comfort to each other. I didn’t know anyone, just Sal and her family who I grew up with.


Then we spotted each other, and like long lost buddies do, we hugged until the air was squeezed out of both of us……”No tears Dee! No tears!” My friend said…..


After swapping laughter, I finally let go of her hand and watched her trail behind her brothers and sisters slowly up the steps into the church.


I took a deep breathe in and followed her.…


A coffin at the entrance to an alter…is there anything more symbolic to remind you to appreciate life?


The church was filled with the hush of mourners and sniffles and faces trying to be brave. Filtering in from outside was the muffled laughter of children, alive, from the neighboring school, playing during their recess break.


And it was during the touching eulogy Ann-Maree’s husband Mark gave I started to unravel.  Below is the poem he read.........



You can shed tears that she is gone

Or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come backOr you can open your eyes and see all that she’s left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her

Or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she’s gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she’d want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on......Anonomous




My knuckles were white from holding the pew in front of me, and I tried my best not to unleash my tears by tying knots in my pink scarf. It didn’t work! Memories of Tarnia and Mum and Savannah’s funeral caved in on me. I wanted to flee but felt trapped. And I learnt in that moment, that I shouldn’t do funerals! I’m simply not strong enough yet.


But Friday wasn’t about me; it was about Sal, and celebrating Ann-Maree’s life!


After the touching service, in the courtyard the wind was howling, blowing dresses and tangling hair and sending a message to me, reminding me to breathe. Sal found me and we cried, I hugged her tight, told her I loved her and that I would see her at the Wake.



But sometimes when you are overcome with grief, you have to do what you have to do. I staggered to the safety of my car in my six inch stilettos, slammed the door and collapsed in tears. I couldn’t go to the Wake, I wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t face everyone…...Sal!


Weak I know.


I started the car engine, grabbed some tissues and drove the two hours home……

 Sal and me when she came to visit the year before Savannah died.  She held Savannah in her arms for most of that visit!  Love you Sally Belle! x

Opening Pandora's Box!

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Do you ever wish sometimes you could avoid places, things or people that have a painful memory attached? I know I do.


Somedays, I pick my battles…..if I’m feeling strong then I’ll attempt whatever the task might be. And on days when I’m feeling kinda fragile, or like when I don’t want my happy mood ruined, I don’t do those things that I know will bring me unraveled.


Well, on the weekend I had one of those days, where I had to face some memories that I knew would be challenging and drag my mood down…..but it couldn’t be avoided.


We’ve had our old furniture, and ‘stuff’ (it’s the stuff that always gets me) stored away in an old barn, down here in the country. But the barn has been sold so we had one day to move it all out. I knew it would be like opening Pandora’s Box…..and it was!


We drove the hour away to a muddy block, littered with puddles and weeds where the old grey barn is….where our past had been stuffed into cardboard boxes, what's inside has been scrawled on top with black sharpies.  There were beds, a billiard table, mirrors, an old notice board, pinned with dusty photos of mum and Tarnia and Tone's wedding and…….Savannah’s stuff!

     One of the mirrors I dusted off from our old Sydney house.



And one of the things that struck me was how we do things all the time not thinking of the future….not aware of the fact that time doesn’t stand still….things change like the fashions and people die. And when we boxed up all our 'stuff'' we had no idea that Savannah wouldn’t be returning, enchanted with all her baby toys, plastic colored blocks and other things we carefully wrapped and stacked away. We thought we were coming back for it, all of us………………


Peter and Tone unlocked and pushed the heavy tin door open, a musty old smell hit me first and then there it’s was…our old life, right before my eyes. I took a deep breath in, knowing it was only a matter of boxes until I found something of Savannah’s.


And through grief, you do become resilient, strong sometimes, and sometimes that strength crumbles, over something as small as a crib blanket in a mouldy old cardboard box, nothing cushions those blows, not even the many feather filled ones I saw scattered around the barn that belonged to our beautiful cream sofa…ten years ago!


Under a tarp was more 'stuff'. Years ago, Peter had spent hours in our garage in Sydney when I was pregnant with Savannah. Meticulously building a beautiful wooden change table, cradle and high chair. He would rush home from work and disappear into the garage, shaving away the wood and shaping it into furniture with all his love. It was difficult to see her things and reflect on the unfairness of how our world has changed in that time……but that’s grief, and I was ready for it.

   Savannah as a beautiful baby taken on Peter's change table in Sydney.



You do learn to grow around your grief, to mould your life into something different.’ But unlike the spider webs that had grown and covered a lot of our things in the barn, that you can gently brush away….you can’t wipe away the webs of grief…..they don’t go away, ever. Grief continues to weave and intertwine in the corners of your life……you just learn to acknowledge it, pick your battles and embrace it some days. Like I did on Sunday.


I did grab a few things of Savannah’s that I couldn’t give away, throw out or leave behind. A small set of plastic dogs she loved that I remembered her playing with. I gave them to Demps, whose face lit up when I told her they belonged to her sister. And a soft fluffy mint green blanket that Mom had given me for Savannah. I still remember my delicate newborn swaddled in it. Dempsey saw it last night, hanging on the back of a chair here. She asked me a hundred and one questions about it! Asked me why the one Nannie bought for her wasn’t the same color and didn’t have the same toy figures printed on it. “Can I have it Mummy?” She asked. I told her I thought her sister would love that!

   Savannah's dogs....they are living in Dempsey's bed now :)



So today I washed the blanket, it’s flapping outside on our clothes line in the breeze……the plastic dogs I found scattered in Dempsey’s bed, she’s sleeping with them….. and the rest of the 'stuff' .....well, it's been re-stored in a shipping container or at the dump.

I had to let go of my child, say goodbye forever, but if some little memories can bring me a bit of peace, or comfort to Dempsey, then its silly not to hang onto them or to challenge a day where I know I will confront my emotions head on.

Savannah's blanket today flapping in the breeze on our clothes line.



As Peter slammed the barn door and we left grubby and tired after the purge, I did wonder where we’ll be and who will be with us when we next open those boxes. But until then, I’ll continue to highlight the things I value like memories and mementos that are simply priceless to me!


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PS; Hours after I posted this I had to add this picture I just took tonight as I put Demps into bed...I told her I had a surprise and gave her Savannah's blanket...she grabbed it and wrapped herself up in her pink blanket my mum gave her and also her sisters....you can see the happiness and comfort in her eyes....things like this pull at my heartstrings but also warm my soul so I had to share... :)

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