Today is my birthday!
I hate my birthday. It has little importance to me anymore. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I can’t help it. That feeling of sadness and wishing for things that I can’t have are permanently embedded in me….like the brown birthmark on my neck.
I know today will be one of those bipolar days where my emotions are up and down like a yo-yo. Taking me from smiles to tears in a heartbeat….as they have already. It’s the same every year…..and I’m always ready for it.
I don’t mark my birthday on the calendar anymore, however, last week as I turned over the new month I noticed my beautiful little girl had scribbled it in.
Dempsey’s handwriting was scrawly but oh so special to me. I cling to these little moments now…..they top up my heart with appreciation at how lucky I am. I consciously squirrel them away, stockpiling them for a day like today when I feel sorry for myself. They are great little reminders and help to keep my mind where it should be.
On a birthday years ago, when I was earning a good wage, I bought myself a special birthday present. A chunky, heavy gold bracelet. Something I always wanted…back then! It has big gold links and a heart shaped shiny gold locket.
After Savannah died I couldn’t bring myself to wear it….to even look at it. Anything that was so materialistic and over indulgent made me feel sick. That I had this thing, this chunk of metal that I once thought was important made me feel ugly and shallow. I have worn it a few times since she died but it reminds me of how unimportant and worthless that ‘stuff’ is. It means nothing to me now. It sits in a box, wedged at the back of a shelf, collecting dust. Hidden from where I can see it.
I know these feelings I have on what should be a special day for me can be the same for others who have lost a loved one. Things like….I won’t hear my Mom’s smiling voice saying “Happy Birthday Precious girl!” And my sister Tarnia’s card hasn’t arrived as it always did a week early with her beautiful cursive handwriting in old fashioned ink from her fountain pen. And of course there’s Savannah…… ……..my one birthday wish that I know as hard as I wish when I blow out my candles won’t materialize before my eyes. So yeah, birthdays suck these days.***
I am thankful for my Dad’s package of delicious rich Australian chocolate that arrived on Saturday(that sat on our table and took me an hour to get the courage to open) and his hand picked card that made me cry. I love my big brother Mark who sent me a special email today…” A big hug an kiss for you Mop. Have a great day .Hope you get nice presents from PD an Demps. Love you lots Moppy xxxxxxxxxxxxx
I am eternally grateful for my friends that have texted, emailed and called, made me laugh and generously given me presents. Who make me feel loved.
But on days like today it’s hard to celebrate and not reflect on who’s missing from my life…and who may be gone by the next birthday.
I can hide from my birthday for a while. Choose to not answer the phone, or read emails. I know that’s silly but it’s a coping mechanism. A survival tool that gets me through some hours until I feel strong enough to face reality and my dark mood lifts into one of being appreciative that I am still here to mark another year off.
I don’t take for granted that I am alive. Or that I have a happy healthy little girl who blessed me with a home made card hidden behind her back this morning, with a beaming smile and a “Happy Birthday Mommy” hug. Or Peter’s present of a pink bag from Victoria Secret filled with a bottle of Moet and chocolates….and underwear :) all needing to be enjoyed.
I will do my best with the rest of the day to be enthusiastic, not to be a ‘Debbie Downer’ or a ‘Negative Nancy’…..to answer the calls from Australia with a cheerful “hello!” and hide the sting in my voice.
So I know my pity party today isn’t a permanent state of mind.
I’ve made another trip around the sun……this years tour filled with highs and lows, happy and sad days that happen to everyone. However, through all those important to me and have let me know how important I am to them.....my tank has been topped up today with strength to face and plow through the hard days ahead.
Already I’ve been interrupted at least five times to answer the phone or read a text…already the day is looking brighter….and as I finish this off my phone is noisily ringing off the hook…….Happy Birthday to me!
My Signs today from Heaven today....coincidence????
***As I was writing this part of the blog outside in the quiet a tiny hummingbird flew in under our patio, hovered for at least 5 seconds in front of my face, then fluttered off…..I wish I had my camera handy! I HAVE to take comfort that is was a birthday message delivered to me from Savannah, Tarnia or my beautiful Mom…..after that I just know their souls are around today! You can believe that or not but I was in awe and wished someone was by my side to witness the miracle…..like life!
and then......just a while ago, if you look at the photo below....
I took 3 different photos of Demps and me to put here on my blog....if you look at this one (which I didn't like of me) you can see in the upper left hand corner a clear ORB......they say ORBs in a photo are spirits captured on film....dust or specks look different as they don't have the core and swirls true ORB photos do. I think this one is clearly a true ORB....or maybe its just my wishing another wish on my birthday! :)