My present to me today! :)

I just received the most beautiful beautiful photo from Carly for Savannah...I can't wait to buy a magnificent frame for it.

Carly's son Christian died so she has created a legacy for others who have lost someone.

Her Grief Effect projects are all amazing too.  She takes requests for names to be written in the white sands of my native Australia.  You can find her blog here;

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/


and her Grief Effect projects can be found here;

http://thegriefeffect.blogspot.com/

Thank you Carly, for putting sunshine in my blue cup today! x

My Mother's Day with my signs from heaven!

I always feel I have two Mother's Day's.  You see Australia is seventeen hours ahead of us here in the USA, their Mother's Day occurs on our Saturday.  So on Saturday afternoon I began gearing up for my battle with grief.....my enemy, one that lurks in the shadows of the day, lying in wait.  I felt a bit of retail therapy would equip me with some much needed ammunition.  I didn't know what it was I wanted but I knew when I found it I would just know it was right.

Peter, Dempsey and I wandered into our local Target store, and there it was, hanging like a bright beacon in front of me.  A stunning, vibrant orange, ruffled tulle tutu.  It transformed my mood as soon as I saw it.  I had to buy it.  My whole life I always wanted a little girl to dress in a tutu, and here was just the one I needed to help get me through Mother's Day.  It looked cheerful and pretty and I knew seeing my beautiful daughter in it would brighten anybody's mood.  I had my first weapon ready for the following morning's combat.

Before I went to bed Saturday night I sat outside in the darkness and looked up to the heavens, I wished my Mom, my sister and my aunt a Happy Mothers Day, and I asked Mom for a sign, anything!  I watched for a shooting star to streak across the sky, but all I saw was the tiny blinking of an airplane tail.....but wait, what was that I heard.  Seeping through our back fence came calming music, that meant something to ME!  Our neighbors daughter was practising on her recorder...the song, "Amazing Grace", one that was played at Mom's funeral.  I sat there with goosebumps, crying, but also smiling, comforted in my belief it was Mom's Mother's Day gift to me.

Sunday morning I woke to Dempsey hovering over me, waiting patiently to give me her gift.  Her eyes were huge and her smile was beaming as she threw her arms around my neck, "Happy Mother's Day Mommy, I made this for you!"  How could I spoil her happiness with my tears, I took a deep breath and opened the box she handed me.  Inside was a beautiful hand made set of wind chimes....."Look Mommy, I even stamped angels on them for Savannah!"  I grabbed her in a tight hug and swallowed my happy tears.  "Thank you Precious, they are just what Mommy wanted!" was all I could get out.........

Demps with her gift to me!

We went for breakfast early so I didn't have to see other 'happy' Mom's and on the way home I got my second sign...from Savannah! 

When Savannah was sick, so sick she would scream in pain in the middle of the night.  I would sing her the song "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mack....most times it helped to calm her.  Mothers Day morning, there it was on the radio...a song that isn't played too often.  Peter thinks I'm crazy, that its just a song a DJ somewhere chose to play....but I BELIEVE it was Savannah's present to me....it brought me alot of comfort.

And the icing on the cake came in the afternoon, again on the radio, I couldn't believe it!  A song my sister's  husband Tony chose to play at her funeral....I haven't heard it in years, its called 'Bittersweet Symphony'.  I couldn't wait to rush in our door and tell Peter who by now then thought I'd gone completely bonkers!

So my Mother's Day was bittersweet as it always is, filled with tears, love, laughter, gratefulness and feelings of longing for some special people who I can't call anymore.  But it was also sprinkled with text messages, emails and phone calls from my living, loving, family and friends......the message I've posted below made me cry but summed up the day for me.....how lucky I am!

Dear Dee,

I just wanted to reach out wish you a peaceful Mother's Day. I know that this day must be very hard for you, but try to find comfort in the fact that when we relinquish emotions of selfishness and pity, we allow love to flow into and out of our being. Also try to find comfort in knowing that your little angel's spirit is shining brightly above us all, and that little Dempsey's spirit is shining right in front of us on this material earth. Take care of your self today and always. I love you very much, thank you for being my friend.

I hope your day was special and not too difficult and the new week can bring you sunshine in your blue cup! :)

                                Peter, Savannah, bubby Dempsey and me!      
                                                        

The anticipation of Mother's Day - in Joy and Sorrow

Mother's Day is only a few days away and already the anticipation of getting through it is eating away at me.  Every year I hope I'll be different and tell myself....."I'll be better this year"....but the truth is it hurts! 

It should be a day where I feel spoilt and loved, surrounded by my TWO daughters......I know Peter will do his best to make it special.....and Dempsey will fill my heart with warmth until it feels it may burst.  However,  that doesn't make up for it being one of those hard days you have to face each year....one that feels like a band-aid being ripped off a wound......and this morning my tears started, unexpectedly, bitter sweetly, after I read some comments my beautiful family had left on my Facebook page, that meant so much to me, after they looked at some photos of Savannah...... 

I wish my mothers day would be different, but its not going to be......Mothers Day will never truly be complete for me anymore....so I have to try and look at what I do have and be happy I have two daughters where some Mom's don't even have a child!

Peter reminded me at breakfast this morning to look at the beauty in the world...."Look out the window Dee, the rose bush has gone berserk!"

 The bush isn't just any rose bush....it's the one we planted and watered through our tears a few days after Savannah died.......overnight it seems to have gone wild, just in time for Mother's Day.....it's loaded with tiny white buds and blooming roses, out in all their glory.  I like to think Savannah has arranged for this to happen, that it's part of her Mothers Day gift to me....if only :)  On Sunday morning I'll take the scissors and collect as many of these dainty white roses as I can, fill a vase and place them on Savannah's special shelf.  I'll also put some next to the photos of my Mom and my sister Tarnia.

So for those of you reading this, who are struggling if you have lost a child or your mom, or someone special that will mean something to you on Sunday....I wish you strength to get through the day with whatever you may need.....and even though its tough, try and smell the roses that are in your life.

I write a column for www.opentohope.com below is my article they posted yesterday for Mother's Day....I hope it can bring you some strength and support that you aren't alone on your Mother's Day! x


Mother's Day brings Joy - and Sorrow by Diana Doyle

Every year on the morning of Mother’s Day I cry.


On this special day I’m greeted with a huge dimpled smile from our daughter Dempsey, who sneaks into our room, usually with a present she has made for me, hidden behind her back. The moment tugs at my heart strings, and I cry.

I cry at how lucky I am to have her in my life and I cry that our other daughter Savannah, who would be ten years old, isn’t with her sister, giving me a huge hug too and climbing into bed beside us.

If I go to the supermarket I cry. So, I’ve learned to stay away from the stores where people are queued at the checkout with colorful bunches of cheerful flowers, boxes of chocolates and cards for their mothers.

I cry when I think of my sisters four children, because they don’t have their mom to spoil. And of their Dad, Tony, who struggles on Mothers Day because his wife is missing out.

I cry when I remember past Mother’s Days when I could simply pick up the phone and call my adored Mom and tell her how much I love her. And then I remember my Mother’s words, her Mothers Day gift to me that can never be taken away – and I find myself smiling!

Her lessons, which she taught me while she was alive…..to be grateful for the simple things that I’m surrounded with, like love, family, friendships, and the compassion I have for others who are struggling to survive through their Mother’s Day without their loved ones.

My mother celebrated every day she was alive with enthusiasm and gratitude for everything we are blessed with. Like days when the sun streams in through your window or the smell of fresh jasmine. She taught me attitude drives destiny, so I try each Mother’s Day to channel her positive outlook into my day.

It’s difficult not to have a pity party on Mother’s Day, but I find by lunchtime the day gets easier, I put on something pretty, try to put a smile on my face and embrace the irresistible love my daughter showers on me and be thankful that I’ve survived another hard day the best way I could.

Down the street from our house, are cherry blossoms trees, which are in full bloom this time of year. They were my Mom’s favorite, a small reminder of her I carry with me! I purposely drive by them, think of her and know she would be proud that I’m trying to pass her valuable lessons of appreciation on to my daughter for her future Mothers Day!

PS; Today's blog is in honor of those who are facing their first Mother's Day without their loved one....I will be thinking of you and wishing you sunshine at some stage in the day x

Some signs from heaven to help you 'BELIEVE'

Anyone who has lost a loved one is always searching for a 'SIGN' from heaven....something, anything that will help them 'believe' that their lost ones are around....that they somehow know we miss them. 

After losing three of my family members I now BELIEVE and take comfort in the signs I find hard to accept are just a coincidence. 

For a long time after my sister died I waited for 'a sign', something from her to tell me she was ok, that her spirit was around.  I waited for pictures to fall off walls, or to see her ghost in the hallway....I now know these aren't the signs we should be looking for.  It's the little things we need to notice, and I've had many. 

These are just a few..........................

After my sister Tarnia died I kept seeing something move out the corner of my eye, like a flash, like someone was in the room with me, it happend for maybe two months, then, as suddenly as it started it stopped.  I even considered going to an eye doctor it was so annoying.  Just after it stopped my friend Sally called me.  She knew my sister,  and told me I was going to think that she was crazy....then she went on to explain that in the weeks after Tarnia's death she too had this flickering experience.  I instantly got goosebumps as I hadn't shared my experience with her.  I like to believe it was Tarnia!

Since then, I've had so many 'signs', that I smile now when they happen.

The morning after Savannah died I opened our back sliding door to a tiny feather, white with splashes of gold in it, like her hair.....drifting down to greet me.  I looked up and all around to see if there were birds, or a nest, there was nothing, just this tiny, dainty, fluffy feather, floating to my feet.   They say feathers are a sign from heaven and it since then, alot of times on a hard day, I see a feather lying in my path......a coincidence maybe?

Then there's butterflies, and hummingbirds, they say these are messengers from the other side, sent to deliver a message.  I once had a hummingbird fly within a few inches of my face, and just hover, staring at me, humming and buzzing....now I know you are smiling now, thinking I'm crazy to believe such things....BUT, that same day, my brother was visiting us in America from Australia.  A few hours after this happened to me, he rushed into the kitchen saying "Diana...you won't believe what just happened....this weird looking bird just flew straight at me and hovered near my face, then flew off!"  We don't have hummingbirds in Australia so you can imagine his surprise.  Mark doesn't believe in signs but when I told him he, like me, wondered if it was our Mom delivering her love, happy, that her two children were together.

I've had songs that mean something only to me, come on the radio when I'm blue, butterflies land on me and found dimes(which they say are pennies from heaven, a sign from a loved one!), feathers, and dreams.

Savannah's favorite song came on the loud speaker at the supermarket a few days after she died, while I was pushing my cart around the deserted aisles, lost in my grief....it had to be her!!!!!  I take comfort in these tiny messages that others think are just coincidences!

And that tiny feather, the gift I got from Savannah the day after she died.....I carry everywhere with me, its in a secret pocket in my wallet, tucked away behind my favorite photo of her.  It's a constant reminder to 'BELIEVE!"

So look for the little things, and take comfort in them.....I'd love to hear what yours are?

Now, when my bladder wakes me at night and I stumble to the bathroom in total darkness, I still look outside, hoping and dreaming that one day I'll see a little shadow with curls running around our garden.....


PS:  Just as I'm sitting here typing this, a pretty white butterfly is flitting around our yard! :)  I hope this post will bring you some comfort, or a smile, or some sunshine in your blue cup today! x