Would you want to know?

Last night I tucked Dempsey into bed, snuggled beside her, smoothing her forehead.  Peter usually carries her piggyback style up the stairs when its bedtime.  But Peter's away working so I had the pleasure of some 'Dempsey time' on her bed, with all her webkinz toys invading my space. :)

"Mommy today is Aunt Erice's anniversary isn't it?" she asked. 

I wondered where this question would lead as she sometimes seems obsessed with death.....but then who could blame her, right?

"Yes Precious, today is Aunt Ercie's third year anniversary,"  I told her while stroking her blonde hair.

"So when is Nannie's anniversary?" came the next question.

"Nannies anniversary is November 14," I replied.

"And Savannah's is January 14, right Mommy?" she added.

"Yes, Darlin, Nannie and Savannah are both 14th's."  Her next question made me smile.

"So I wonder Mommy when MY anniversary will be?"  she asked.

I wrapped my arms around her, throwing out a webkinz leopard toy from underneath me....."You don't have to worry about YOUR anniversary,"  I told her, adding that she would live a long happy life and probably be an old lady when HER anniversary came.

"Wouldn't it be good Mommy if you knew when your anniversary would be?  I have so much I want to do, so I'd really love to know when it'll be my date,"  she added with a yawn.

And as I pulled the blankets up to her chin, kissed her smiling face and turned off her light I wondered........... What if I could look into a crystal ball and find out when it will be my time to die?  Would I want to know?  Would I want to know how it will happen?  Would I have wanted to know all that I know now and would it have made a difference to how I had handled things?

I'm not scared of death, after watching two people I love fight to 'live' then take their last breaths, at peace with dying, I no longer fear what will happen when its my time to leave this beautiful earth.  I kinda figure there is enough of my loved ones on the other side waiting for me, hopefully, there to welcome me.

When our daughter Savannah took her last breath she opened her eyes as wide as she could, like she was seeing something, or someone, then she slowly closed them and was gone.  Take into account that for two days prior to this she had been sedated with morphine, that her enormous blue eyes had been shut....it makes me wonder if my Mom, her Nannie whom she adored, was somehow present during those last few moments of her little life.....ready to take her by the hand and lead her some place magnificent where there is no pain and an abundance of sunshine, where she could run and dance and enjoy all the beautiful things we have on this earthly place, free from her horrific disease.

I like to believe that's what Savannah saw before she died.  Her Nannie, with her arms out stretched, telling her not to be afraid, that everything would be okay!  As I had for hours before she left us.

So I'm not scared of my own mortality, more of what I'll miss out on if I'm not here.  Like seeing what Dempsey will become in life and hearing her laugh and watching her grow into an amazing human being and making a difference somehow in this world because of the grief our family has suffered.

I think if someone put a crystal ball in front of me tonight and told me I have an opportunity to mess with fate, to know if it is cancer, or a big bus, a plane crash or old age that will take me.  I think I'd have to decline.  Because through losing so many loved ones I've learned to live and love my life and what will come next for me .........even if it is more heartache.  Because that's 'life,' it's precious and fragile and so full of ups and downs, twists and turns.  And losing so many important people over the last few years has made me appreciate every second I have here so much more.

However, I'd like to visit a psychic someday, someone who knows nothing about me that could give me clarity on my beliefs that my loved ones are only a spiritual plane away, that they know how I feel and protect me and my family. 

A few years ago I did have an encounter with a psychic, by chance, where she spoke of a little golden curly haired girl dancing and twirling in a field of flowers...she filled my blue cup with sunshine and gave me hope to BELIEVE.......but then that's another story! :)

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