It's a gorgeous summer morning here, with a slight breeze. My neighborhood dogs are barking in the background as I'm typing. Ten minutes ago I completed the survey with tears pouring down my face to the point where I couldn't read what I was typing.
At the beginning of the survey there was a warning that the following questions may bring back feelings of pain and sadness. I had no idea answering a few questions would take me back in time and have such a profound effect on me. However, I hope I've helped give this doctor an insight into what it's like to lose a child and how the pain is still present and still manages to simmer under the surface of someone grieving, yes, even after six years.
And yesterday I had another doctor call me and ask if I was interested in participating in her study for grieving parents. I briefly told her a small version of my losses, as brief as you can be when trying to describe how my life fell apart over the last few years.......she listened with compassion which I appreciated. Unfortunately she said I wouldn't qualify for the study because they are looking for people taking anti depressants or are prepared to do a trial with placebo's and anti depressant medication.
You see I haven't had to rely on the help of med's or a counsellor...maybe I should have or maybe I'm not really coping as well as I think I am. :) The doctor was fascinated as to how I cope on a daily basis, what some of my survival techniques are. The most important one I told her was that I was fortunate to have an amazing mother who instilled inside me that I could do anything in this world I put my mind to....that I would survive my losses, especially Savannah's. I also told her I have friends who have probably saved my life by being there for me, even at times they don't know it. That hugged me and listened, truly listened without judgement or silly meaningless advice. And as I was talking I had an out of body experience, like I was talking about someone else.
She told me she found it interesting, that at a grief conference she just attended recently, most, not all, but most, people who had to take medication didn't have that same wonderful closeness with a mother or have the amazing support network of friends that I described. I found this interesting and sad that others haven't experienced what I have.
So I've been thinking about her opinion and I know some people HAVE to rely on prescribed medication and that's okay too. When you are sludging your way through the depths of despair you need any crutch you can find to help you. And I think if people aren't fortunate enough to have that support system they can seek it out in the way of counselling or support groups...to which there are many.
I did go to a counsellor once, when I couldn't decide whether to try for another IVF baby or not...what an experience that was! The woman sat opposite me swinging on her swivel chair and talking about her problems to me! I know not all counsellors are like the one I saw and I think if you find a connection with one who can help you it would be priceless.
So today I'm having a blue day, a pity party as I call it, I'm feeling exhausted and drained after crying so much! My university assignment is sitting next to me, staring at me, needing to be attended to. There's a sink full of dirty breakfast dishes, coco pops on our rug next to me and a washing machine full of wet clothes! But today I think I'll seize the day! I need a little bit of TLC, Savannah's birthday is next Wednesday and already the pain of what I know lies ahead is lurking over me like a black cloud.
But I'm thinking, forget all the unimportant stuff, I'm going to go take a hot shower, put on some pink lipstick and something pretty and go pick up Dempsey and take her to the local open air mall where they have unique fountains that shoot water into the air. I'm going to grab a latte, chill at the fountain and soak in the atmosphere with Dempsey and hopefully some other mom's who are naive to grief! Superficial yes, but hopefully this will cure my case of the blues today and put some sunshine in my blue cup! :)
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