Happy birthday Bubby. Today you would be 21.
Twenty-one…wow!
I’d give anything to know what you’d look like with your golden
mop?
What would you love to do. Would you love to read, or play loud
music, or exercise around our lake. Would you be living in the big smoke?
Loving going out and having drinks with your friends like your sister does?
In some ways you’re a stranger to me now--a magical little girl
forever four, trapped in time. So innocent, who loved simple things like books
and the Wiggles and M & M’s and having us sit on the bed with you and spend
time smoothing your forehead.
But who would you be now?
I will forever wonder as each year passes.
But today you weren’t forgotten. You got flowers, and meaningful
texts, and calls. Just for you Bubby! Your sister even got a fluorescent green
teddy for her to cuddle on your special day to bring her comfort. She's working now, making doughnuts and coffee and smiling at strangers.....
I wonder when there’ll come a time that it doesn’t hurt?
That I won’t wonder how you’d wear your hair or what your favourite
thing in the world to do would be? I’ll always wonder.
A friend of ours sent me a song tonight. The last song Glen
Campbell wrote, about how he won’t miss anyone when he dies. Because when you’re
gone it’s the ones we leave behind that feel the pain and hurt. The wondering…..
They say there’s the famous five stages of grief;
denial.
anger.
bargaining.
depression.
acceptance.
But there’s so many more.
anxiety.
wondering.
longing.
sadness.
Time makes most days easy. But there’s always reminders. Everywhere
and always.
I was only asked last week how many children I have. And I felt
brave, “Two” I Said. Holding my breath and hoping she wouldn’t ask me more
questions that would lead to that awkward place of having to explain. And I hate
that.
And last night, one of the Instagram bloggers I follow who’s
baby died put a post up about her Medicare card, how it has her daughter that
died’s name on it and she will struggle with getting a new card without her
name on it. I sent her a message telling her our card goes from 1 to 2 to 4. Number
3 is missing. You’re number 3. And every time I use that I’m reminded. I wonder
if the girl at the medical reception wonders why 3 is blank….missing? It’s the little
reminders like these that stab at my heart Bubby. Something so silly in the grand
scheme of life. But it’s your life and it’s big to me…to your daddy…to your
sister.
I can only hope and imagine today you’re with Trishie, singing
and laughing. She has her arms wrapped around you, spinning you around…somewhere
special. I missed her call today but take comfort maybe, just maybe, you’re together
and you miss us too.
Happy birthday Bubby. Mummy loves you always and misses you like
I can’t put into words.
xxx
