Grief is such a lonely place.
When you’re in the thick of it, it’s like quicksand…there’s
nothing that can help you.
And I’ve found like a surfer, you just have to ride out the
wave…….
And for anyone reading who’s in that place…that’s OK too…cos
I’m here to tell you, it does get better………..
I usually find if I’m down, the next day I feel stronger….and
I seem to get a renewed energy to face the world with a different outlook. It’s bizarre, this concept, but it’s the roller
coaster theory of being up and down…the high…and the low!
Like Friday. You see
my baby went to the big smoke with the debating team.
I had to have her at the bus at 0730am stat! Which was a far bit earlier than normal….but
Dempsey was excited….dressed in full uniform, with her blazer and tie knotted
perfectly in place and a smile on her face that couldn’t be wiped off.
I pulled up my car behind the school bus, got out and embarrassingly
(to Demps) took a proud photo of course….to capture the memory.
Then I got back in my car and sat there. I just sat there, enjoying the moment.
Through my windscreen I watched other parents come and go,
dropping their kids off quickly. But I stayed
that little bit longer…watching my baby’s face, lit up with excitement and
enthusiasm, chatting to her friends, making silly teenage faces as she boarded
the bus. Then I tucked the moment and
the joy it brought to me deep in my heart, and drove off…..with Kings of Leon
blaring through my car speakers, leaving the school bus behind in my rear-view
mirror!
So tonight I’m a little melancholy…I don’t know why. Maybe it’s wishing for things I can’t have.
But I guess you can’t be ‘up’ all the time. And it’s OK to be a little down
sometimes. As the down times make the up
times so much richer. The gift of grief
has taught me that….it’s also taught me
Knowing sad makes happy so much bigger and brighter.
Knowing how the lowest of lows feels means understanding up
has to happen…it’s the law of gravity!!! J
Watching someone you care about achieve something they’ve
worked so hard for makes success more rewarding.
Loving and losing something so precious teaches you that
love is all there is. That it’s sweet and
intoxicating….and addictive….and you finally g e t it!
Life seems bigger and brighter some days! Rainbows and sunrises seem more vibrant and
breathtaking. They just never get old do
they?
Sunrise in my front yard last week...breathtaking
There’s no cook book like Nigella's that can publish a recipe on how to
cook grief so someone can taste what it’s like…to understand how it might feel or what people deal with if they've suffered loss. Only
those that have been through it understand how it feels and smells and looks.
But after some time, grief can be a gift. Well, it has been with me.
It’s taught me how to embrace life, even with its sometimes
cruel consequences. It’s taught me to
cherish the small moments that I’m privileged with…like today with it’s winter
chill. That reminded me of mother nature’s
bite, but also of her beauty with a sky full of marshmallow clouds that somehow
made up for the cold winter’s day.
And I don’t think I’d recognize them if it weren’t for
losing the most precious thing in my world.
Loss makes you understand that life is a gift, a privilege….something
to wrap both arms around and embrace and to face with energy and gusto as
tomorrow is not a given for anybody.
Whatever it is…I’m grateful for it. Cos tonight I’m thankful to be sitting here,
with a rich glass of merlot…..the sound of frogs serenading me on my lake…Teddy
dog at my feet, my friends and family only a phone call away.
And my special little girl, sitting at her
desk in her room, drawing with Derwent pencils under a halogen lamp, and
gifting me with special moments, every day…..e v e r y day!
How lucky I am…..
