I have my sister’s twins living with us at the moment. On Thursday they locked themselves out of
their house. After a locksmith let us
in, I sat on their couch waiting for them to collect their things.
I sat quietly in their lounge room waiting for them. I looked up at the walls, at photos of my
sister, one with her sitting with baby Emerald…. her arms wrapped protectively
around Emmy’s bunny rug. She was
beaming.
I sat there staring at the photo, thinking how unfair it is
that the girls, my nieces, won’t ever know that love, that protectiveness like
a lioness that only a mother can give.
That unconditional love! And when
they’re with me while their dad works, I kiss them good night and tell them I
love them every night, I know its not the same.
It’s Mother’s Day tomorrow and already I’m hating on the
day.
Already everyone on Facebook is loading up happy photos of
their alive mothers…..the shops around my town are adorned with advertisements
for Mother’s Day and it hurts.
Every. Single. Year.
I wait for a different feeling to wash over me. But it
doesn’t. On days’ like Mother’s Day the
pain is unavoidable. I feel like it’s a
triple whammy, especially this year having my sister’s girls with me.
I know they feel it, like I feel sad I don’t have my mum
here, or my daughter. It’s shit that I
have to text my sister’s kids to say I’m thinking of them. And I know I have Dempsey, which people
remind me of….but this day will always be incomplete for me. I feel the sting, and the ache runs deep.
Oh how I wish I could phone my mum, or have a wine with my
sister tomorrow, or have BOTH my girls throw their arms around my neck and say
“Happy Mother’s Day Mummy!” but I know
that’s impossible.
My mother had such a presence…a way of making not just me
but everyone feel special. And I guess I
miss that. And I guess that’s ok
too. At least I can own my feelings of longing,
which is a step towards healing.
Last weekend I saw my cousin, who lost her son Paul when he was
32. Heash had a friend visiting who’s daughter Catherine has also died.....and its weird
but we sat in the room.... and we were happy and laughing! And I thought how astounding it
is that we three mum’s have all lost children, and we were in the same room.
A club nobody wants to join, however there we were....surviving, smiling
and still enjoying life. None of us have
our mum’s either.
It was weird, but to
anyone who’s lost or has just suffered the loss of their mother or child….you do
survive, and you do embrace life again….sometimes with a scary passion. Death has taught me that!
this was taken on Mother's Day with Savvy
I hope tomorrow I’ll find comfort in my sisters girls, and
in Dempsey.....she also made me a Mother.
But I’ll avoid the happy places, I’ll probably cry as I always do, I’ll
long for Savannah and my Mum, but I’ll also remember their love…..and that will
always live deep within me, and help me when I'm down....and never, ever go away…..
