Saturday, April 27, 2013

Musings on upcoming Mothers Day. x

My beautiful mum loved camellias and Youth Dew perfume and Carly Simon and bubbly champagne…in a crystal glass! She loved laughing with her friends and dressing up for a night out in high heels. She loved the pink cherry blossoms that framed our house and early mornings where the sun streams in through a window…she loved McDonalds Caramel Sundaes and Spring was her favorite month. She also loved me….

Do you ever smell a memory?   I do, especially if I wander past someone who is wearing my mum’s signature scent. If I get a whiff of Youth Dew, its like my mum is around, it invades my senses, invokes comfort and releases old memories like sitting on my mums lap, in our over sized velvet lounge chairs in front of our gas heater when I was a little girl…how safe I felt wrapped up in mums arms, like nothing could hurt me.

I write about mum because today I opened a magazine and there was a camellia, there’s always something to evoke a memory….and of course Mothers Day is again just around the corner.

The stores already have all the Mother’s Day banners hung. Boring women’s magazines have the “mum” stories on the cover….and I’m feeling the pangs of hurt that I can’t seem to escape this time of year….every year.

I miss my mum, I miss her everyday. I think the hardest part is when something exciting happens that I want to tell her about.   But I can’t.   And I think that’s the challenging bit when you miss someone who’s irreplaceable….you have to accept it and work through the fact that they’re no longer here.

And then there’s Savannah…my daughter, who should also be here on Mother’s Day. When you’ve lost a child, Mothers Day loses all importance…its more like “Torture Day.” It’s a cruel reality that I’ll never have both my daughter’s here on that special Sunday…and it’s something I don’t think I’ll ever get over…its something that I work on e v e r y s i n g l e year..period!

                            My first Mother's Day as a Mum with Savannah

I am wondering if this year will be a little better…or not, maybe more thought provoking.  You see this year will be the first one I’ve spent with my sister’s children…who don’t have their mum here either.

I feel this mother’s day I’ll pour my love not just into Dempsey but into my nephews and nieces, who I know loathe the day like I do. And it helps to know unfortunately, there’s so many others out there that are in the same predicament as me….with lost daughters and sons…and mother’s.

And if you're missing your Mum...or your precious child...I hope there's somebody special you can hug who can fill your cup with sunshine if its blue....hugs have a way of transferring love I think....

I don’t like to spoil special days for Dempsey…so I’ll be enthusiastic when she gifts me something unique as she always does…..but I feel everyday is Mother’s Day for me.  I don’t need a card or a present, or to be taken out for lunch to remind me of how lucky I am…that I am a mother, to two girls…I always will be….

                                                  My precious Demps...:)

I know it’s a miracle to have Dempsey alive, and I’m so thankful that Savannah was mine…even though it was only for four short years.

And I can transfer my love into my sister’s four kids….for I know they miss not having a mother too!

And mum, oh my mum....I cry as I type this…..her undeniable and unconditional love for me is fuel not to be sad, to live life passionately like she did with her love for all things that fed her spirit…and in turn, me.

And I’ll always be grateful for that.