Comfort in constants on Savannah's birthday

After this week, life again reminded me that underneath the pain, and the dark black cloud there is always a silver lining….a beauty, and a hope that will always shine through and dim the dark moments of a difficult day.

I learnt that my friends and family are a constant…a constant stream of love and support.  And on Savannah’s birthday, even though I was so sad, my family and friends propped me up…like a steel girder does when it supports a building that needs extra help.

Through many special moments on Wednesday and Thursday, along with my tears about Savannah’s special day, each one of them gently helped stick an invisible band aid over my heart. And I realized they are a constant…..they always have been. I haven’t scared them off with all the tragedy in our family….they’re not going anywhere. And I love them for that! They’ll always be a constant in my life…. like the sun that rises and sets every day.

Wednesday was Savannah’s birthday in Australia, and while driving to pick up Dempsey from Summer Camp I noticed this cloud in the sky!  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing…the fluffy white clouds had formed what looked like an Angel floating in front of me. I grabbed my iPhone and snapped the photo….I like to believe it was a sign from Savannah! :)

Thursday morning, my neighbor Renee rang my doorbell with a beautiful gift for Savannah’s shelf.  Looking like a fashion model in her charcoal suit and black stilettos, wafting in freshness, she opened her arms to me for my first hug. (PD had left for the day and as usual he didn’t acknowledge Savannah’s birthday....I’m ok with that now).  And as I explained to Renee how much her hug meant, it was like the heavens opened and I couldn’t stop sobbing.  I almost needed a paper bag to breathe into..…but she was a constant….and didn’t stop squeezing me until I let go.

Renee's beautiful gift for Savannah


And like a constant, thoughtful messages and texts started to roll in for our Angel. While they made me cry, they also brought me so much comfort.

Mat, Neen, Emily and Jessie's flowers from Australia for Savannah....

A special family in Australia sent her a bunch of pink roses, surrounded by my favorite…white lilies. They send them every year on her birthday.  Their thoughts, beautiful! The perfume each time I enter our family room is overwhelming…like their love and support…A constant.

Savannah’s balloons are tradition now, so Dempsey and I drove to Von’s Supermarket where Demps chose one of each color for her sister.  And I should’ve known in the stifling heat that it’s impossible to get 12 balloons into a car without losing at least one!

“Sit in your seat Demps so I can get the balloons through the headrest.” I told her.

And like one of those comedy sketches, (that I can laugh about now), as I was trying to shove 12 helium, balloons into the back of a small SUV..and as 4 went in, 3 escaped, bobbing and trying to fly off…2 more in, 3 out…it was a battle I was determined to win.  And in one of those weird, amusing, crazy moments, the bloody silver balloon popped!  Right smack bang in the middle of Dempsey’s dimpled cheek!

Her crying was instant and loud…and it must’ve hurt as its left a huge welt on the side of her cheek.  I put the absurdity of the moment....the funny side of it all in the back of my mind to laugh about later…and comforted Demps who had tears rolling down her face.

When we got home, with a sharpie in her hand, Demps happily drew an animal according to color on each balloon for her sister.

Dempsey's favorite......a blue otter. :)

Then in 105 degree heat we let them go into the hot heavens above and watched them until they were a bunch of tiny dots on the horizon….constant and beautiful and magical as the wind blew them along and up to Savannah.

Ten minutes later was Dempsey’s piano lesson.  And as I sat at the lights to enter the freeway, Dempsey asked from the back seat. “What do you even think Heaven is even like Mummy?”

“Well, I think there’s sunshine everyday....and blue skies....and it’s a place where there is no pain and everyone is happy!” I told her.   And as I turned the volume back up on the radio….drum roll…Savannah’s song was playing..’Landslide!’ Dempsey was more excited than me….”I think that’s Savannah telling us she got our balloons Mummy!” :)

Hearing Savannah’s song, was like a message from our angel…I was so shocked and…….happy.  I dialed Peter and held my cell phone up to the speakers….”Listen PD, Listen!” I yelled with a smile!  It made my day…and even if you don’t believe it, I do. I trust Savannah was sending us a message on her birthday. To believe.  Which is another constant in my life!

Dempsey's home made gift for her sister.

After dinner, Dempsey handed me her gift for Savannah’s shelf. “It’s a pocket rainbow Mummy!”   When I asked her what it does, she said,  “You carry it around in your pocket so you have rainbows everyday!  And like a constant Dempsey managed to remind me that these sad days don’t last…they come and go like the constant ebb and flow of the ocean.

I am lucky to have life preservers in my family and friends who keep me afloat on these difficult days…that will always be a constant…like the magical pink sunset I was privileged to watch on Savannah’s birthday, slowly sink into the horizon.  Offering me up another tomorrow.  Which is always a new day, filled with joys and sadness, hopes and constants that, because of Savannah...I am always reminded how fortunate I am........

From Dempsey...



Happy Birthday Bubby x

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