Anticipating our angels birthday....

In a few days time it will be Savannah’s twelfth birthday. The feelings this week aren’t foreign to me now. The wishing she was here….the sadness that comes and goes and the flash backs to when she was here. And it’s like for the next few days I have to go to that place where I don’t want to go. Like the dentist to get a tooth ripped out, or to get a painful injection. I can’t avoid it or put it off or just cancel it out with a phone call.

I’m aware I should be celebrating Savannah’s birth and how through her death I have found new meaning in the world…how, because of her existence, she has morphed me into a better person. But the reality is my stomach churns at the thought of Thursday. No matter how hard I try to alter the ‘what is’ and the ‘if onlys’ in my head. And that’s the reality.

                              Me and my God Mother Jan..one of Mum's best friends, in Australia

On Saturday a card arrived for us from my God Mother in Australia, Jan.  Inside the card she’s written... “Thinking of you on Savannah’s birthday. Many others whose lives she touched will be thinking of her also.”

Jan’s words weighed heavily on me….these ones in particular…” lives she touched and thinking of her.” And apart from thinking how special it was of Jan not to just write “thinking of you” I considered exactly what those words meant…..

I thought how every year those who knew Savannah always call, or email, or text or do something in her honor….just as if she was alive.  And that gives me comfort….to know she’s made an impact on my friends and family.  That maybe, she’s shaped their lives in a positive no matter how small, tangible way.

I think her time both here and in heaven has taught them how fragile life can be….like a broken heart…. and how important life and love is and stuff money can't buy!   How to take nothing for granted......and, how our children are gifts to be treasured and nurtured and loved…for they can be taken away in a second!  I had to learn that the hard way.

Our last lot of visitors left on Saturday. So I feel I’ve had a small hiatus from my usual obsessive sad thoughts about Savannah’s upcoming birthday.  Like I’ve had my pause button hit for the past few weeks. But yesterday the clock started ticking again. 

And I rang my Dad to tell him about Jan’s card….his advice; “What I do is just not think of it…or try not to anyway because it’s just too sad.”   I wish I had my Dad’s resilience.  But I don’t. I just can’t shut it out.

                Demps writing on her sister's balloons on Savannah's 7th birthday.  It's tradition now...


Dempsey too reminded me this morning that it’ll be Savannah’s birthday in a few days, and she added; “We have to get twelve balloons this year to let go to heaven for Savannah Mummy!” And I did wonder how we’ll get 12 helium balloons home in 100 degree heat in the back of my car without some of them popping? Dempsey can’t wait…..but I can.


I know in the next few days I’ll go into a bit of a fragile state…..but I’m ready for it these days.   I just have to let go and work through the hard bits.  And I know Friday will be ‘just another day.’  But until then, I’ll think of my God Mother’s card, and her words, and how lucky I am to have family and friends that will always remember Savannah….that she was here and that she made an impact in her time on this beautiful earth.


I know I’ll survive her birthday as I do every year. I’ll find the strength inside BECAUSE of the support I have around me. And those family and friends will never understand just how much I love them for that.

Savannah's 3rd birthday....the last one when she was well enough to enjoy it

But I’d still rather be shopping off a list, for a beautiful twelve year old blue eyed girl….maybe I’d be buying her first bra….or a Justin Bieber shirt…a pretty handbag or some make up. Instead I’ll buy her a card, as I always do, and write in it as if she was here….and put it with the pile from previous birthdays, that seems to be getting bigger….like she would be if she were here........

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