Happiness is a form of courage - Holbrook Jackson

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.  ~Robert Brault

Death teaches us about life.

It’s what makes us appreciate and treasure the small moments. It’s sad but true that sometimes, we have to experience something profound to teach us to be grateful and to keep striving to be happy.

This week Dempsey and her little girlfriends, her BFF’s taught me a bit about living in the moment and that being happy is about the simple things. With the start of the new school year brings new lessons to learn, not just for Demps! :)

Pool parties have been shelved for now, soggy swim suits and tinted goggles have been replaced with pencil cases and new rolling backpacks….the smell of chlorine swapped for the waxy smell of crayons. The new school year has finally arrived.

Watching Dempsey rip the plastic off her pristine pink folder, carefully write her name in cursive on her new lunch pail and zip up her backpack with such enthusiasm had me smiling. Just some simple moments that gave me pleasure and reminded me that life is but a fleeting moment….where has the time gone from when she was so tiny, and it was her  first day of kindergarten? And now she’s somehow stumbling into fourth grade!

Dempsey's first day of Kindergarten meeting the Principal

Monday morning Mother Nature greeted us with dew on the car windscreen and the late August air noticeably cooler.  Dempsey slipped her hand out the car window, waving it in the breeze on the way to school, animated and excited about seeing her best buds after a long Summer lay over……in her new dress!! :)

It was my reward as her mum to immerse myself in the schoolyard swarm of children that were humming like a hive full of bees.  And as I stood back and watched one after the other of her friends arrive, squealing and giggling and squeezing each other tight, without a worry in the world except for what clip to wear in their hair….I got a lesson!

To laugh often

To hug my friends deeply

To not take life too seriously

To be appreciative of those I love

To be open to new friends and be there for old ones

That we all build our own happiness in the moments we create…even if its on a patch of asphalt in a school yard

That compliments create smiles (well in kids anyway ;))

And that we can choose never to be too old to learn or be open to bloom, like the buds on the trees around the school...no matter what life throws at us

Yes, the kids reminded me that happiness takes the sadness away….and while grief manages to peel back the layers and leave you exposed sometimes…it also sharpens our senses and strips the unimportant stuff away. It creates a vacuum for sucking up the good stuff and relishing in it.

The first day of school is the only day us parents are allowed to hang around the playground and gush and cry and turn into paparazzi parents!

I lingered as long as I could and watched my baby stand tall and march with her friends into fourth grade. On her way in, she looked back my way, smiled a shy smile as if to say “I’m fine Mummy” and blew me a kiss.

So with a sensory emotional overload I wandered back to my car…I thought about making choices to be happy…like the kids are….and stepping back to notice the big picture instead of getting caught up in the trivial stuff.

I also thought about our angel Savannah….how it would be her first day at Junior High…I let out a big sigh….and smiled….thinking, how she’d be beautiful and beaming and….wanting her Mamma to be happy too…..

"Be happy with what you have." :)

The old saying “Be Happy with what you have” was my mantra today!


This morning I went to our filing cabinet to find an old email regarding insurance and came across a bulging file labeled “Savannah/IVF”......I wanted to read the emails in that file!  And I knew it might be like ‘curiosity killed the cat’ however, I know when to pick my battles these days…I felt strong enough to open up a piece of my past.


After our daughter Savannah died, Peter and I tried to have another child through IVF pre-genetic diagnosis.  So for a few minutes, I stared off into space and imagined what our family dynamic would be like if we had Savannah here with Dempsey and maybeeeee, just another one or two kids?  It wouldn’t be Brady Bunch perfect, but it would be different to my present reality.....the house wouldn’t be as quiet, my saucepans bubbling with more food, and maybe the dinner table a scene of sibling squabbles.


We had 6 attempts at IVF in Australia.  And I am grateful for the opportunity.  You see through some sheer chance of fate…Peter and I share a faulty gene in our DNA…the same one!   What are the chances of meeting another person with that same faulty gene, of falling in love with them and marrying them and having a one in four chance of producing a child with a deadly disease because of one shitty rogue gene?  Well it happened to us. And I’ve given up looking for the answer as to ‘why’…I’ll never know.

One of the many letters I found in the file about 1 IVF attempt.....


Before Savannah died, the pre-genetic testing through IVF wasn’t available anywhere in the world. So we were fortunate to have had Savannah’s DNA tested so the Murdoch Institute in Australia could determine exactly what her DNA chain was made up of....so the IVF lab could create a probe to test our embryos for her terminal disease.

I remember sitting in the geneticists office a few years after she died like it was yesterday…..and being told with such sterility that I gave her this faulty gene, and Peter gave her that faulty gene….and I remember the burning in my throat and my eyes and the pain in my heart at the tragedy and my guilt of it all….how through an instant at conception, Savannah had been doomed because of two faulty genes we’d given her.  I felt like a failure as a mother…why Savannah?   Why couldn’t she have only 1 faulty gene, like Demps does? But I’ve found it destructive and exhausting to mindlessly go over and over the ‘whys.’ All I know is the ‘what is.’


And for anyone going down the route of IVF, it’s a rollercoaster ride.  It’s a foreign way to try to be blessed with a baby.  You’re pumped full of drugs and injections and invasive ultrasounds where they stick probes inside you to study how many eggs your ovaries are dripping with……like some alien grape vine. But it’s worth every second of pain and heartache if you are one of the lucky ones!


But for some reason another child wasn’t to be for us….. and there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough, no more tries, no more wishes….just an impossible dream that you have to accept.  And decide to be happy with what you have…


So yes, I’m at peace now that we tried to give Dempsey a sibling….however, there is often a twinge of regret and envy when I do see families of 2 or 3 or 4.   I know how lucky we are to have Demps…things could be different and I could be grieving the death of both my children. I saw desperate mothers at the IVF clinic with medical files as big as a bible….and still no baby!


At our last IVF attempt, two happy, attractive young scientists entered my cubicle to show me a Polaroid of the two embryos they would implant….they pointed out Savannah's mutations on a graph in my medical file and compared it with the embryo's, which were different.   And it hurt me that they saw Savannah as some data on a piece of computer print out.  I mulled over and over it for the next hour while waiting in that cubicle.  And when it was time to leave I asked the nurse if I could see those same two pretty young  scientists….from out of my wallet I handed them a photo of Savannah.

                                              This was the photo I showed the scientists of Savannah


And I told them with tears how she loved books and swimming and honey on her toast...that she had such a happy spirit!  I told them in hope that next time they deal with an anxious Mum, as they study the mindless medical DNA, they see a little girl or boy, who was precious, who was on this earth and made a difference in their short time here.


However my reality now is I do have Dempsey, and she is enough.  She will always light a spark of gratitude inside me of just how blessed I am.

                            Love her......


Being alive is full of risks and maybes!  However, being happy is connected to learning to cope and accepting life as it is….like a connect the dot drawing in one of Dempsey’s coloring books. To make the best of it!

Yes, “Be happy with what you have” often whispers to me like a long lost friend. However, I can always imagine……as long as I’m content with our little family, just the way we are!

:)
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Brought to you by the Letter H :)

Do you ever laugh until you cry….or cry until you laugh? Laughter is the B E S T medicine! I had a weekend, filled with belly aching laughs (no tears) and thanks to friends, I feel as if I’ve had my batteries topped up. Like I’ve been plugged into an electrical outlet and recharged, like my cell phone. I’m happy!

I typed the word “happy” into the online dictionary. This is what it said; “characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind”   After the weekend, It’s like the happy train has pulled into my station and there’s an empty seat with my name on it.

So this morning I dissected the past few days so I could pinpoint the watchamacallit, or the thingamajig that’s caused my cheery mood. And after examining my weekend under the microscope, I realized its some simple things like laughter and fun friends that I have access to everyday…that I’ve had access to all along that have managed to fill up my blue cup with sunshine. What a difference a week makes! :)

Happy Hour around our back 'T' last Friday

Friday night, our regular get together was an unusually big one. We had loads of visitors around our back table…mostly people from Peter’s work, but it was multicultural, the seats taken up with visitors from Oz, different corners of the 50 states and some Japanese guests…and it was fun with a capital F!

The boys stood around the BBQ engaging in testosterone fuelled talk, while us girls huddled around our back table and talked about girlie stuff…..like our latest shoe purchases and our favorite cocktails and ‘boys!’ And it was almost as good as a girl’s night out! Compliments were buzzing around the table like mosquitoes on a hot summer night. I haven’t laughed so much in a long time….and it feels great.

My new bright cheery tea towel

My gorgeous friend Steph presented me with this cute colorful tea towel from Anthropologie…love their stuff! “I saw this and thought of you Dee.” Steph said. It’s only a tea towel, but to think Steph must’ve stood in that store, thought of me and decided to purchase this lovely hand sewn bit of cloth, made me feel special! I felt like she’d just given me an original Picasso….and I realized it’s these little things that anyone can pay forward to others, like a sincere compliment, that costs nothing……or an inexpensive gift that can create a ‘happy frame of mind’ for others like my friends did for me over the weekend.

Our friends visiting from Australia packed this in their suitcase for us…Milo…yummo! One of Dempsey and my favorite malted drink. You can sprinkle it on ice-cream or heap it into a cold glass of milk. It’s so Australian it felt like getting a hug from home.

Dempsey enjoyed a ride on the happy train too with a few laps around the block with Daddy on the scooter. She loved the wind in her hair and riding pillion with Peter….I stood waiting patiently for them with a smile on my face.

Demps and I enjoyed a bubble blowing morning…the bubbles reminding me that at any moment our perfect life or bubble can burst….however, its what you do with your time in between if it does happen to pop, or explode as to be the case with my family…. It’s how you can be happy, or find things that make you happy, or do things for others to bring them some sunshine if they need it that makes all the difference. I’ve learned that on my journey.

I’m going to make a conscious effort this week to pay it forward and put sunshine in someone else’s blue cup, whether it be through a compliment, a small gift, a hug or time spent with people I love.

So, all aboard the Happy Train, I’m hoping there’s one leaving your station that will have you barreling down the tracks of life.....through the dark tunnel where there’ll be a beaming bright light at the other end. That through your family or friends you can find an empty seat that’s just perfect for you!


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