My sister Tarnia's anniversary...grief and time and how it feels...to me

Today is the anniversary of my only sister Tarnia’s death. A day when my family’s lives changed forever. In a split second, we were irrevocably altered.

Today, I can’t help think of all Tarnia has missed out on. How much of her love her children have missed out on. And how many nights her husband Tone has wished she was here.

My sister Tarnia and Mum


Grief over time changes, it has to.

Time does change the emotional feelings grief creates, from one of intensity when you first lose someone, to an ache, a sadness and a longing.

However, on anniversaries like today, you are catapulted back in time to all the horrors of that day, when you thought you’d never survive the emotions….but you do.

And if I had to describe my grief back then, in a way someone could understand, through the senses, I would say….

You SEE grief as black

You SMELL grief as acrid

You FEEL grief like cutting

You HEAR grief as silence

You TASTE grief as salty

On the weekend while browsing the stores, I came across this magnificent hourglass. I decided to buy it. It reminds me that life is but a bunch of fleeting moments, like the fine grains of sand that trickle from one bulb to the other….representing the fact that we are all in between our past and our future. And that we can grow from our experience, even if it IS grief….as to be the case with me.

The hour glass also symbolizes to be mindful of time…it awakens my consciousness to the fact that life goes on.

As it has since Tarnia has died. I’ve had the privilege of watching Tone pick up the broken pieces of his life since this day eleven years ago….and step up and raise their children….who are all happy and healthy!

The kids with Savannah....four months after the accident


I’ve thought today how her kids were just babe’s when they lost their mother. And how time has marched forward.......

Tone and the kids, Dempsey and me last Christmas.....

Alexander, who was only 8 at the time, is now in his first year at University…with a scholarship I might add! :) 

Fraser, her 5 year old who was such a mummy’s boy has a few years left of high school…and three jobs…and a pretty girlfriend.

And then there’s the twins, Emerald and Charlotte, who were only 6 months and never knew their mum. They are blossoming! Two beautiful girls who have each other…which makes me wonder if this is why Tarnia was blessed with twins…they will always have each other!


How proud, how absolutely beaming she would be with her family that she left behind. I can almost hear her nudging me, and talking through a half laugh as she did..bragging about her babies.  But she’s not here…so I do that now.

In her children, I feel a small part of what I lost losing Savannah has been patched back into my heart. I love them like my own.

So today, on her anniversary, grief has wrapped itself around my day.....it’s slowed it down and sharpened my senses.  And if I had to describe what my grief feels like today, what it’s taught me…through watching her children grow the past 11 years..through my senses I’d say;

I SEE grief as a flame

I SMELL grief as apple pie

I FEEL grief as a hug

I HEAR grief as the kids laughter

I TASTE grief as chocolate


Tarnia’s death has left a huge void in our lives. But it’s also taught us courage, growth and gratitude for so many things.  Today I noticed her children’s facebook pages, they haven’t forgotten either…and its clear they miss her too.

Alexander her oldest, who is the most like her in personality…private…has simply written "11". Fraser, who is a bit like me wrote “Eleven years has gone by and this has been the worst year yet.” My heart will always ache for them.

We will always be trapped by our memories, like the sand in my hourglass and our memories from that day eleven years ago…however, like the hour glass….you can choose to turn it upside down and start again….start tomorrow with my happy memories of her...and a promise I made, when I saw her last…to live life to the fullest and love her kids….because she can’t.

Today, I know two things...I will always miss my big sister...and tomorrow, will always be a new day…….

Sometimes to be happy, you gotta know sad....

“You cry a little then you wait for the sun to come out. It always does….” - Maria, from the Sound of Music

The scars of grief can run deep….sometimes, things trigger them, like the movie '7 Pounds' that Peter and I watched Saturday night…. or having old memories bubble back up to the surface with an old friend....it's wishing for something that you know will never come true...or too many late nights, burning the candle at both ends that makes you tired and susceptible to sadness…. 

However, it’s knowing that the sadness doesn’t last….that the sun will shine again that keeps you putting one foot in front of the other when you feel vulnerable and sad.   Its finding coping mechanisms and letting yourself cry that heals the heart.

For the past week or more, I’ve been in a mid summer slump….I have a long list of things that have to be done but can’t seem to get the energy to do any of them. Like the beds in our home that need stripping, and my two university assignments that are due next week, and this blog..…it’s dealing with an over tired 9 year old and her sadness that our Australian friends are gone.   Dempsey loved having the kids around the house again, especially one her sister's age.

My friend Vicki and her family arrived back from their 10 day vacation in Cancun.  We spent four fun filled days together with them.  And when they left Dempsey was heartbroken. She sat outside in almost 100o heat, amongst the chalk drawings Bonnie and Alex and her had created, crying her eyes out…waiting for them to come back.

I finally coaxed her inside and wrapped her up in my arms on my lap.  I tried to tell her that she has to be happy she had the time that she did with them, that we’ll see them again… But it pulled at my heart strings, to see her pain.  I cried too at my friend leaving, but I know I’ll see her again, and that makes the hurt that little bit less.  You have to find positives in every negative I’ve found.

You have to find things that will transform the melancholy moods into an upbeat frame of mind.  This week, my weapon against the blues was running.  Pounding the pavement in our surrounding streets.

I find exercising, exorcises the demons…it can give you a rush of feel good energy, even when you don’t think you have the energy to do anything.  It helps when you do have to battle a case of the doldrums or find peace when having a hard day.  Its self preservation, and it works…for me anyway.

My gorgeous friend Vicki gave me this beautiful chunky silver bracelet. I love it!   It’s from New Zealand and each emblem represents something special.   One of the charms is called a Koru, its spiral shape symbolizes life, growth and peace….it reminded me of the changing journey of grief……

And I find when things get me down and overwhelm me, I find processing my thoughts, and tears….helps me to move forward…knowing that “this too will pass.”   I know taking responsibility for things I can control, like my attitude help to overcome the Debbie downer moments when I feel exposed because of grief.

Saturday night, watching the movie 7 Pounds, made me confront some of my sorrow that lies just under the surface.  I wished it was my little girl who could’ve been given some miracle cure like the people in the movie.  But wishes don’t wash dishes….or strip beds…..or teach my daughter that you have to love your life….hard days and all.  That they make the happy days all that more sweeter.

After the movie, before bed, I sat outside, immersed in the magic of the full moon, crying.  The movie was sad and made me think about Savannah....however, after my tears dried I felt like I'd been cleansed…..I knew that the next day, I would notice how blue the sky is….and like Maria out of The Sound of Music, I know, you cry a little then you wait for the sun to come out…it always does!

Thankful for...............

Life after loss is certainly different.  Especially after the death of a child. 

For a long time the world loses its beauty and meaning.  

But then, one morning, the tears won't come straight away and it'll be like someone has waved a magic wand....you will wake up and notice the sun seems warmer and brighter than it was. You’ll hear, really hear the birds chirping as music to your ears…and you’ll wonder why you never noticed before.

I call these things the ‘gift of grief.’ A new appreciation for the little things in life. This week, these are just a few moment’s captured on film I’m thankful for……...

Last week I had the privilege of watching my baby get her first ever trophy for third spot in the School Spelling Bee! 

My heart felt like it would burst as I watched my daughter stand tall, and humbly walk to the stage and collect the trophy that was half the size of her!

 My beaming smile could’ve lit the school auditorium. 

I wish I could bottle the pride I felt as her Mamma…and there were no tears. :)  
 
Needless to say, the trophy has become her new bed buddy and hasn't left her side since she got it!  
 

Dempsey has become obsessed with playing tennis in our street. Peter or me volley the ball up and down the road to her.

And after watching our other daughter Savannah lose so many of her physical abilities, one by one, watching Dempsey swing a racket at a small green ball is gratifying. I never take it for granted.
 

And if she manages to connect the ball with the racket, it’s a giggle fest……and a “Stop taking photos Mummy!”

After slogging the ball up and down our street and dodging the neighboorhood cars, I caught Demps outside giving herself her first mani pedi…

Her effort made me laugh....however, I don’t think it’ll be a career choice for her! :)
 
 

And with easter bunny busy assembling his delicious chocolate treats for easter, I couldn’t resist filling our lolly jar with sweet foil covered delights!  Every once in a while we need to indulge in chocolate....one of the most therapeutic things I know if I’m having a debbie downer day! 

Dempsey was patiently waiting for me to rip open the lid…… 

And these little beauties which Dempsey arranged….

How can they not make you say awwwwwwwwwwwwwww?  Uber cute right?  They look as if any minute, they are about to start chirping…….

I took this with my iphone while shopping…..

Dempsey appeared from amongst the coat hangers of a clearance rack I was perusing inside Marshalls with a “Look Mummy, this is for you!”  Oh how lucky I am…….

Sometimes we forget to smile or its difficult.....  However we can often find reminders in the most unlikeliest places....like Marshalls.

These irrisitable lumps of happy bubble gum, packaged so prettily stopped me in my tracks and put a grin on my face. 

I'm thankful I can now appreciate these little things that make my days seem fuller...to recognize them and to be thankful for simply being able to buy something so unimportant like this box of gum.  And getting hapiness out of imagining the fun Demps and I will have as we blow bubbles, let them pop and stick to our faces and then knowing that when we do....the laughter will be unstoppable.....




Wishing you sunshine if your cup is blue..... x

The difference Hospice can make......

This post is for every Hospice worker and pallative care nurse...and to our earth angel Julie who made such a differnce.....THANK YOU seems such a small word for the dedicating care you give.......

We’ve just bought a brand spanking new bedroom setting. Its towering wooden bed head makes me feel so tiny…but like a Princess! :)

Anyway, yesterday, while clearing the space for our new bed, I found hidden under the old bed, a book!  A very very special book.

I held it in my hands like a newborn…..and I considered not opening it because what’s on the pages makes me cry. But I had to as the written memories inside are a treasure trove for my soul!

The book is from Hospice…..from the saintly staff that cared for Savannah in her final months. Each person, even her Doctor wrote a tribute to Savannah about how she touched their life.

Inscribed inside its blue covers are words that have been carefully penned through tears and truths. Composed with an intimate understanding and involvement only those of us would recognize having had the extraordinary privilege of caring for someone in their final days.

I almost passed up the opportunity and honor of having Hospice in our house, making a huge difference to our daughter’s comfort in the days that mattered most.

When Hospice gracefully entered our home, things were grim. I had a broken leg, Savannah’s feeding tube was leaking, her pain was increasing and her health was deteriorating. Deteriorating like everything in our lives...Savannah...our marriage….and Dempsey’s patience at the lack of attention she was getting as a one year old. It was like a pressure cooker….we were almost at breaking point…..the whole family!

  It was around this time Hospice came into our lives...I had my hands full.....

But I was a nurse…couldn’t I do it all…as her mother, shouldn’t I have been able to? No! I finally admitted I needed help…and lots of it.

Hospice wasn’t a foreign concept to me. They’d cared for my adored mum in her final days. They took control of mum’s pain with morphine. They showered her in a chair so I didn’t have to compromise her dignity and fed her spirit with cheerful chatter each day while they made her bed.

However, I had a hard time handing over the reins of Savannah’s care to an unknown organization….to strangers. I was scared. Our 4 year old daughter was the most important thing in my world, and like a lioness, I was protective.

Looking back, I wish I had of let them into our world sooner. So I could play the most important role in Savannah’s life…simply being her loving mum…nothing more than that! And hospice allowed me that honor in her last months.

They are such a dedicated group of people, like a team of vigilantes who do a job that requires extraordinary compassion.  To me, hospice staff have invisible wings. They are earth angels that give so much more of themselves than what is ‘medically’ required of them.

They provided not only a hospital bed that we put in our lounge room, but oxygen tanks, an air bed that circulated around Savannah’s fragile limbs to help prevent more bed sores…and the icing on the cake…liquid med’s..that was FedEx’d to our door. Before Hospice, I had to stand in long queues at Rite Aid for Savannah’s medicine, then crush them and add water, mixing the different potions that were assisting in keeping her alive. Their rolodex of priceless medical help was just that to me…priceless!

Then there’s the emotional side. These wonderful people became like family to us. One nurse, in particular, Julie! She witnessed the raw pain, the gut wrenching torture of Peter and I having to watch our daughter struggle to die…. When I was at the lowest point of my life, when I didn’t think I could take any more, she would wrap her arms around me and allow me to sob and let out my grief.

I couldn’t have made the impact to Savannah’s final days that Hospice did.

This was taken a few weeks before Savannah died..the photo of her on the right just a year earlier...


The gift they gave me was time…to sit with Savannah, to smooth her forehead and hold her hand and not leave her bedside. The gift they gave my child was a peaceful pain free passing to the other side…where there’s no more suffering for her.

And the book…well, sitting on my dusty carpet yesterday, reading the Hospice staff’s memories brought my daughter back to life. Amongst their words I found Savannah and what she meant to others…..and it was like a warm hug. I closed the book and held it to my chest…just like I would if she was here.

I’d like to leave with you with Julie’s words, her nurse, from the book, to help you understand…...the impact Savannah left on them and the comfort Hospice have given me............

"A letter to Savannah”

My dearest Savannah.

 What I learned most in life was from your death. You taught me to appreciate life, and my family.

I savor every small thing, things like the sound of cracking from a bat when my son hits a ball, or my older sons snoring…which means his breathing.

 I learned to relax and let all the chips fall as they may, and knowing not all is in my control.

Your bravery taught me not to fear death; it has helped me do better at my job. I believe that because of you, I have been able to handle many situations, many families and make their passing smoother.

 I believe when you were born there was already a plan for you. In that short amount of time that you were on earth, you probably enriched more lives than an elderly person.

Your passing brought about pain that I never knew. In my selfish way, I wanted you to stay. I wanted to be able to see your beautiful face, your eyes….. Savvy you taught me in a short time without speaking even…..what some people take a lifetime to learn.

I hope your smile will light the way for me when it’s time to leave here.

I hope I find your strength, your courage, your bravery when I am faced with any challenge.

I loved you the moment I met you and I miss you everyday –

God Bless –

Julie -


 

Thankful for............

Watching the horrific goings on in Japan, with the massive earth quake and tsunami has had an enormous emotional impact on me this week.

And I haven’t stopped thinking of the many families and friends all over the world that are currently being affected by grief this monster has created.

It reinforces to me yet again how our time should be cherished as we never know what an ‘ordinary’ day can bring.

It also draws my attention to ALWAYS being appreciative of the little things we sometimes take for granted. Especially when there are people struggling to survive in nature’s aftermath….half a world away.

For me, this week, these are a few things I’m thankful for……

This has been our sky in California this week!

A lush shade of blue, like a canvas that’s waiting to be painted. I’ve enjoyed sitting outside, with the sun’s dancing rays warming me through to my bones…while listening to the birds chirping that are oblivious to the stresses in the world……

And with the onset of ‘almost’ spring, one of my favorite things has sprung to life.  My jasmine vine!  It’s sprinkled with delicate clusters of sweet smelling gems, huddled together beneath the bushy green leaves, just waiting to burst open and fill the air with its sweet perfume.

Jasmine to me is like an antibiotic…it reminds me of my mum and also of my sister’s house in Australia which is dripping in the sweet smelling vine in springtime.

Tarnia’s coffin was laced with Jasmine, but I find it comforting to inhale its powerful scent.  It provokes many memories of home and the people I love.  I always snip the first buds that appear and place them on Savannah’s shelf next to her urn.  They are delicate like she was and the aroma sweetens our family room…you can almost taste its intoxicating nectar.

We’ve enjoyed some family time this week….paused all electronic devices for a while and indulged in some good old fashioned games!

Our friend Steph introduced Dempsey to the unfashionable game of Jacks…she took to it like a duck to water…..and mastered it with a huge grin!

Then of course there was Chess with Daddy. While I washed dishes, I found myself smiling as I watched Demps and her Dad silently enjoy this game of strategy. Needless to say, Dempsey has a long way to go before she can beat Peter, which is more than I can say for me! :) 

Just some effortless family time warmed my heart this week.

And of course there was a lesson from Dempsey…my perceptive, wise beyond her years eight year old, who continues to teach me about life!

I snapped this photo of her tiny book of thoughts which she told me I wasn’t allowed to look at, but couldn’t help sneaking a peek….she writes…”Facts that are odd in life.   1. Life!”

I can’t wait to read what she divulges next!

And life is just that, ‘odd’…..hours filled with different sorts of moments, like a game, where you don’t know what cards you’ll be dealt or whether your number will come up next…..

These moments can fill us with happiness, help build and mold our world, make us grateful and always remind us to never take a second for granted……I only have to think of what must be going on over the pond in Japan to be mindful of just how thankful we should be for each day we are graced with!

Thankful for Chez, a stranger until a few months ago...a lady who's been reading my blog from Australia, who is loving and thoughtful and understands the gift of grief...and time...thank you Chez for gifting me with me with this wonderful piece of art of our angel!  How lucky I am! x

Wishing you sunshine and reflection and moments of peace and joy this week if your cup is blue...keep our Japanese neighbors in your thoughts! x

A lesson from my daughter.......

    Dempsey's School Diary!


There’s nothing like the annual field trip to get the old paranoia going in a parent…especially one who’s already lost a child!

And I know this is a normal reaction to grief…a relentless fear that something will happen to another loved one. And some situations propel me into a neurotic person just a teensy weensy bit MORE than others…….

Um, like a “Whale Watching Field Trip!”

Not one in a safe four walled aquarium, no, one on a boat, on an ocean, the wild ocean, with unpredictable waves and shark invested waters…

So you can guess how I felt about Dempsey going by herself. No Way, it wasn’t going to happen! This year, I didn’t have to beg to follow the bus…I was allowed! :)

However, instead of holding my breath in anticipation at something happening to Dempsey, the day managed to take my breath away.  I was reminded by Mother Nature and a bunch of wise eight year olds, how to find joyfulness in the simple things in life……

Kids = enthusiasm…simple as that!

And they can teach us adults a thing or two about noticing and marveling in the miracles of our environment.

The whole experience, from the night before, as Dempsey taped ‘her list’ on our fridge had me smiling and feeling all fuzzy with love and gratefulness…..how my daughter’s enthusiasm has the ability to humble me with the simplicity of finding joy in such small moments……….

The morning of the trip Dempsey met me on the stairs in the dark, already dressed (in her layers), raring to go…

And by ten am we were on the water. Despite my anxiety, I was enjoying the blustery salty sea air that was bitterly cold. And, the thought of seeing a real live whale in its natural habitat….I was beginning to relax! :)

My paranoia faded as the anticipation and energy from the kids kicked in. Out of the dark shadows of the ocean leapt dolphins…slippery and graceful, mysterious and playful. They were breathtaking! As was the wonder and excitement oozing out of the children. Dempsey was clutching onto the boat railing, jumping up and down, and pointing…with a grin almost as wide as the ocean…..

It was difficult not to be affected by the kid’s animated euphoria. It is said, children laugh on average three hundred times a day, compared to us adults measly fifteen!

They see the world as it is, stripped bare of any stresses or pressures…and if we take our blinkers off and take a leaf out of their book, we can channel this same capacity into our everyday moments.

We all exist in the same world and should try NOT to lose the ability that children have to appreciate what we often take for granted. We just need to pay attention, like they do...to our surroundings and wittness the beauty through the eyes of a child!

You gotta look close, but there is a whale tail waving at us! :)


And the kids weren’t disappointed either that they didn’t get to see a whale up close. We did see a tail, and some spray in the water…and that seemed enough for them…another example of them teaching me that day….to just be happy instead of constantly searching and wanting more!


And the lessons from my gorgeous eight year old didn’t end on the boat.  Last night I read the report she wrote for school.  Hidden in her words was another prompt to notice the gifts Mother Nature bestows on us everyday if we take the time to realize…to quote Dempsey… “I saw a cloud that looked like a sea lion popping out of the water…”

Part of Dempsey's report about the field trip...this made me smile too! :)


I know after experiencing grief we do become more appreciate of these special moments....

However today, I’m trying not to be disappointed that for once, we have a cloudless sky in California….I was looking forward to acting like a kid, squinting at the sun, trying to find some special image in a fluffy cloud to feed my spirit today! :)

Wishing you sunshine if your cup is blue and hoping you can find something to make you smile in the heavens above…….

This week I'm THANKFUL FOR.................

I never saw our daughter Savannah run or do so many things after she became sick....so when Dempsey’s sweet girlfriends taught her to jump rope I never take these little things for granted.  Watching the thrill in her eyes and her dimples emerge deep in her cheeks as she hurdled the rope…giggling and out of breath, brought a smile to my face…………

When there's so many starving in this world I'm thankful for the delicious waft of fresh baked bread that invokes comfort……still warm and crusty and waiting to be torn apart and devoured.........

And then feeding the crumbs to the starving sparrows that wait for me now in the fresh morning air.

I hear fluttering in the trees as the birds flock to our yard…hopping from branch to branch in eager anticipation….starving, they watch me sprinkle crumbs onto the dewy lawn……I feel good that I’m sharing with natures tiny friends.

Listening to Demps twinkle our piano keys as she practices every morning, it's breakfast for my soul.  Her latest song "You fill my heart" just does that!  :)

Watching Dempsey shake out her pocket money from her piggy bank and count it for the hundredth time as she hoards penny after penny away for the Panda bear she's desperately saving and waiting for..…..

We bought this pretty rainbow wind catcher. It's calming to watch it spin and twirl in the breeze outside my window............

Dempsey had a Grandparents day concert at school on Friday. 

Oh the tears spilled as I watched my baby on the big screen to the tune of ‘Somewhere over the Rainbow’  A special moment I had the privilege to witness however was bittersweet as my Dad and of course my beautiful Mum, couldn't be there to see her..... 

She was the only child in her class without a Grandparent and this made me sad...but wait, oh how lucky we are.....Dempesy's BFF's Grandparents invited her out for lunch with them......  "Would Demps like to adopt us for the day?"  they asked me.  I tried hard not to cry at how grateful I was!  They will never know how special it was for me...and Dempsey...even if it was at 'Denny's' :)

And the icing on the cake was yesterday!  Meet Pixie the Panda...its a Fur Real Pet and growls, giggles and snores if you leave it alone for more than ten minutes! (louder than my husband too!)

My absolute joy yesterday was watching my baby in the long check out line at T J Max.  She smiled at strangers and they smiled back....with love in their eyes at Dempsey, waiting patiently, piggy bank in one hand, brimming with coins.....and her Panda in the other. 

Even the check out boy wasn't perturbed at the crash of coins she unleashed on his counter....and I was also THANKFUL for that!:)


Wishing you Sunshine if your cup is blue and a great start to a new week!

love D x