Growing through grief and a sleep over!

Anxiety  -1. Distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune

            - 2. Earnest but tense desire; eagerness

Both the above definitions of anxiety describe my feelings this week about upcoming events.  I'm eager and excited however also uneasy of the unknown the next few days will bring.

After experiencing my grief, or complicated grief, the feeling is legitimate.   I’m not a robot that I can program by punching a few buttons to stop the adrenaline from pumping through my veins.....even though I wish I had a metal heart some days....

There are two reasons why this anxiety has reared its ugly head this week;

1.    Dempsey has been invited to her first sleepover at her BFF’s house this Sunday – and of course I have this neurotic feeling of something happening to her…or that she’ll miss me and want to come home at some ungodly hour.(which I doubt) :)

 My rampant imagination of ‘worst case scenarios’ has been churning over and over.  The sense that I won't be in control of her fate to a certain degree.  But I’m sure she’ll be safe and enjoy sitting up late, giggling with her pajama clad BFF until all hours…it’s her mother that won’t be get any sleep I’m sure! :)

2. We have visitors arriving from Australia tomorrow, which I’m soooo excited about.   My BFF from high school, her husband and two children should be here by mid afternoon.  I haven't seen her in over thirteen years..... 

But you see her daughter is the same age as Savannah, 12!   And even though I’m thrilled and eager to meet her daughter, I’m terrified of how I’ll react…whether I’ll burst into tears and embarrass us all, or get to know her to a point of wanting to keep her….or finding out just how unfair it really is that I don’t have my 12 year old with me. I also know I’ll enjoy imagining…..just for a little while…….

One thing I do know is when these feelings hit I go into survival mode. I find coping mechanisms. I do whatever I need to do…and one of those things is D I S T R A C T I O N!!

So Sunday morning, feeling suffocated, I suggested to Peter we journey out for the day to the luxurious South Coast Plaza.

The stores are all high end, extremely up market…like ones that you’d see on Rodeo Drive…and nothing resembling anything in our neighborhood. So it was quite a diversion for the day.

Dempsey and I stood with our noses squashed up to the glass of the famous French jeweler Cartier…and fantasized which diamond sparkled the most….while Peter sat on a nearby bench like a pimp, not showing the slightest bit of interest in purchasing me a diamond! :)

love love love this crystal chandelier...at a mere $8,000 PD said, um "No Dee!" :)

We perused the many home ware stores, with Dempsey whining the whole time with a poker face….”When are we going to the kids stores Mummy? This is soooo boring looking at these lights!”

On level two Dempsey spied this huge bunch of colorful balloons for sale. They provoked a loud “Wow! Look!” from both Dempsey and me…..talk about coloring your world with a smile!

We stopped for lunch at the famous Rainforest Café, where the life like jungle animals spring to life every five minutes. The elephants raise their trunks and trumpet at the diner’s. And the gorillas pound their chests and scream “Ooo ooo ooo, aaa aaa aaa”….managing to distract my thoughts and ferry me away to a jungle somewhere in South America…all while devouring a delicious juicy hamburger!

After a couple of hours of suspending my stresses, we’d had enough of looking at stores we can only dream about…it was time to head home. We made one last stop at the toy store…which Dempsey sprinted into.

And there inside a glass cabinet I found some old fashioned toys…this robot in particular! I had one just like him when I was a little girl. And it was like there in front of me was a subtle reminder of what I’d been trying to escape…he made me smile!

As I stood looking at this happy piece of metal it hit me that I can’t run away anywhere to avoid these anxious feelings...I have to tackle them head on.  They'll still be there when I’m alone.

But the little robot reminded me that like him, I can function on my own and will.  That by challenging myself to face my fears, growth and strength is generated.   And that growth will empower me to face and work through any future  anxieties my grief creates.

Friday is Dempsey’s birthday which will fill my anxious cup with sunshine….and tomorrow, I’ll hug Vicki’s daughter Bonnie, pop the cork on a bottle of bubbly and let loose my anxieties.  I’ll reminisce and laugh over some old memories with Vicki. 

And on Sunday, Dempsey will create some new memories through the exciting new experience of a sleep over.  But I’ll still miss my good-night kiss!  I wonder if her BFF’s mum will mind if I call around bedtime……:)

The magic of the Worry Dolls!

We all worry.

I worry about mindless stuff like “What will I cook for dinner tonight, should we have pasta or BBQ steak? “Should I cut my hair, how short should I go?” Or other more significant things like “How can I keep Dempsey safe? or “What’s going to happen in the future…where will we be a year from now?”

After my sister died I made a promise to myself I would try not to worry about the little things….not to sweat the small stuff!  I do make a conscious effort most of the time, but hey, I’m only human right?

Thursday night Peter was away so I tucked Dempsey into bed, kissed her sweet cheeks, turned off her light, then poured myself a delicious glass of Merlot.  Remote in my hand I was ready for a night in with the TIVO.  I’d just got comfy when I heard Demps yelling, "Mooommmmmyyyy!"

I climbed the stairs and entered her room only to see her sitting up in bed, surrounded by her Webkinz with tears rolling down her face.  I sat on the edge of her bed, wrapping my arms around her.

“What’s wrong Precious?” 

Her tears kept filling her eyes then dropping like big raindrops onto her cheeks...…she was genuinely sad.

“Mommy , I can’t get to sleep because my worries are keeping me awake and I can’t stop thinking about them.”

She told me she worries all the time, that something will happen to her…or me and how a boy at school upset her, calling her an idiot.  I tried not to laugh, and told her not to think about them, to try and think happy thoughts.

“But I can’t sleep Mommy because all these worries worry me!”

We’d read a book the night before called “Silly Billy,” about a boy who worries about practically everything….a bit like all of us. :)   Anyway, in the book his mom buys him Guatemalan Worry Dolls.  They are tiny dolls that are decorated in bright festive clothes, standing about half an inch tall.  The legend says at night, you tell them your troubles and hide them under your pillow and in the morning all your worries are gone.  (If only!)

So I tried to reassure her that we all get upset sometimes by things in life.....that its important to try not to let these things bother us.

“But I can’t stop thinking about them all Mommy!  Maybe if I had some of those Worry Dolls I would be OK.”

I stroked her hair and told her....“When I was a little girl, Nannie would tell me that if you can’t change something, there’s no use worrying about it.”

I also told her about one of my favorite books, by Katie Byron where she states, "If you want reality to be different than it is, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark"….no matter how hard you try you’ll never make this happen.  This applies to worries too.  I think of these things when I start to obsess over something that I have no control over.


Our chat finished with Dempsey smiling, her tears finally just a dry streak down her face as she snuffed her runny nose on her pillow and gave me an extra tight hug.  Her smile surfaced after I promised to see if I could find her some Guatemalan Worry Dolls…..and I did, on Amazon for only $4.99.

I ordered them online then snuck back upstairs, listening at the door as she read a book out loud to her Webkinz.

"Guess what Precious....Mommy found some Worry Dolls."  Her face lit up with an ear to ear grin. 

Needless to say, everyday since, she’s been religiously checking the letterbox for her package of dolls!  Well yesterday they finally arrived.  Dempsey couldn’t wait to get home from school and rip open the bag.

They came with a tiny box and a small letter of instructions.

Dempsey happily went to bed last night, thrilled that she could tell the dolls her 'worries' from the day……I wished I was a fly on the wall! :)

We all have things that we worry about, that we can’t change.  If we can’t do anything about these problems they become wasted energy, they steal your focus and weaken your spirit.

Worry is an extension of fear and it takes a lot to stop obsessing and devote your time to what is really important…..the things you can change, like attitude and gratitude.

I also ask myself “Will this matter anymore in a few months, or a year?”  And I keep reminding myself of my Mom and Katie Byron’s words constantly……..


And as for the legendary worry dolls…….well this morning I watched Dempsey skip through the school gate….she even did a little twirl on her way in.

Not a worry in the world! :)

Maybe tonight I’ll tiptoe into Dempsey’s darkened room, reach under her pillow and steal the dolls.  I'll whisper my worries to these tiny wooden toy scraps........and let them work their magic! :)

Wishing you Sunshine if your cup is blue and a worry free week! :) x



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