Life and Grief can be like a kaleidoscope......

This past week I’ve been spring cleaning.

Getting rid of ‘stuff,’ especially in Dempsey’s closet which is packed to the rafters with all sorts of things, baby blocks, stuffed animals and dress ups that’s she’s grown out of.

I always stumble upon some of Savannah’s toys…and they always pull at my heartstrings, thinking of her playing peacefully with them. Sometimes the memories hurt, and other times I smile…..

However, one of them reminded me of life, and turning points that can come in time as you travel down the long twisted path of grief.

I found her kaleidoscope. I remembered her holding it up to the light, twisting and turning the end of it…fascinated with the shapes and patterns that the glass fragments magically made.

It also reminded me of the journey of grief…how after the fragments of our lives have been shattered and our world becomes black, that over time, we start to evolve and change, and after a while, maybe a long while for some….our complex grief and hurt morphs into an appreciation of life’s gifts.  For me, how lucky I was to have had my loved one’s in my life.  That inside the heartache and turmoil lays beauty…if you look for it.

Savannah's kaleidoscope I found...

And for a long time after my loved ones died, my world became black. 

There was no color.

I couldn’t sit alone with my thoughts, I needed constant distractions. I was afraid of my grief.....

The flashbacks were vivid and painful.  However now, most days, I can let my mind wander back down memory lane.

I’ll always have my memories….but as days turn into months and years, new memories replace the difficult old ones, and one day you do have a turning point…like a kaleidoscope, your grief slowly transforms into an appreciation for what you do have.

This week, these are some moments that made me thankful...….

While cleaning out my kitchen cupboard, I found this treasure tucked away.  Dempsey had decorated it when she was only five.

It took me back instantly, to when she was little, her shaky writing and the smiley sun made me smile.

I also revisited my guilt that I wasn’t as present for Dempsey as I should’ve been during those days, but it couldn’t be helped…some memories are hazy…a byproduct of grieving I think?

However, focusing on the here and now and building new memories help fan the embers of healing. Like last Thursday…we had Mum’s and Muffins at Dempsey’s school.

After a long line up with other mum’s, waiting patiently for a stale muffin, I got to sit with my baby on the grass, in a sunny serene spot at the school and share some time with her….precious time.  She loved it!

And then of course there’s happy hour at our house! :)

Last Friday, one of our friends made the best margaritas I’ve ever indulged in…ensuring there were plenty of laughs around our back ‘T’….and a slightly fragmented head on Saturday! :)

On Monday, we purchased some Girl Scout Cookies from my gorgeous friend Sandra.

Every year the Girl Scouts bring out a ‘special edition cookie’ this year, to my delight, and Dempsey’s, are “Savannah Smiles” and they did just that for Dempsey and me….like a message imprinted on the box from Savannah, not to forget to smile!

I also appreciated that my lovely friend acknowledged how ‘special’ they are because of our Angel.

 Dempsey has been playing around with my iPhone camera and took this photo of me.

I think some photos taken after loss are like a window to the soul....

My sister Tarnia used to say with a smile, “Photos don’t lie Diana!” (always when they captured a crappy image of me…I think because she was so photogenic! :))

And when I looked at this photo, I remembered her words.

I can see a difference in my eyes, how they’ve changed.

Sometimes I see my happy innocent sparkle from ‘before’ has altered, replaced with a vulnerability and sadness that others don’t see….but Dempsey has captured here.

However, it’s like a badge of honor I wear physically.  One that show’s my soul’s ability to change and to have survived. But only I see it.  And I’m ok with that now….

Inside Savannah's kaleidoscope....


These days, I have color back in my life.

I’m mindful of the beauty all around me.....

And last night, with all that in mind, as I held Savannah’s kaleidoscope up to our kitchen light….slowly turning it, watching the pretty glass prisms take on different shapes, Dempsey appeared next to me.

“Mummy, if you shake it up, the pattern always changes. Did you know it’s never the same?”

And I had to smile at her words…a reminder to me to notice the many colors and transformations grief and life often bring.

That there are turning points, where the days become colorful again amongst the black and white…that challenges and grief evolve, like the complex patterns trapped inside Savannah’s toy, with twists and turns we are altered and transformed, now aware of the preciousness and beauty and fragility of life through our journey’s…just like the optical illusion a kaleidoscope creates......

MY experience with marriage after the death of a child....

Marriage is an amazing union if you are lucky enough to find your soul mate.

Two people, who adore one another enough to celebrate their love in front of a crowd of family and close friends….sometimes, in a big flowing dress and a pretty veil, with a multi layered cake and sentimental toasts and bouquets of fresh flowers….and fun. 

It’s commitment!

And it’s rewarding when it’s good. And stressful when it’s bad…but in my books, because of how I’ve been raised, it’s forever….

And I write about this today because Peter and I have had our differences this past week, over something trivial…and when this happens I have to remind myself of our journey together and that in the grand scheme of life, it’s only a minor thing and we will grow from it….hopefully. :)

Marriage after the death of a child is different.   It changes….well ours has.

In my experience, and I say that because every relationship is not the same….there are two things that can happen after losing the one perfect thing you created together…and that you love more than anything else in this world.   Either you can grow closer through a bond that nobody else can possibly relate to…

Or you can begin to drift apart through the different way in which each person grieves and changes.  And I know after losing Savannah, I almost lost my marriage too.  Through my own obsessions with the way Peter was dealing with the death of Savannah and his grief.

Besides giving birth to my two babies, marrying Peter was the happiest day of my life. It was the only time I’ve ever felt like a real life Princess. With Sydney Harbor as our backdrop, on an unusually warm October day, we committed to each other. It was whimsical and romantic….

And it’s every little girls dream is to find her Prince Charming, to marry them and ride off into the sunset…and live happily ever after….

The only wedding pic I have on file..the rest are in oz

But what if happy ever after gets stolen?

And one day you wake up and happy is replaced with your worst nightmare?

And you have to live through emotions you never dreamed were in the realm of a human’s spirit…or a marriage?

I’ve found men grieve differently to women.   Well Peter and my dad and my brother do.   Some men like Peter tend to be private.   Bottling up their emotions and withdrawing into themselves.   Whereas woman need to express or purge their emotions, to vocalize them and cry and scream.   Some men on the other hand sometimes grieve in private….like they are taught to do from a young age…that it’s not ‘manly’ to show their tears or express how they really feel.

After Savannah died, day after day after day, I cried.

And because Peter never showed his emotions, suppressing his grief and never opening up, I felt deserted, alone and angry. Angry that he wouldn’t share how he felt in losing our four year old daughter.

It took me a long time to realize his way of dealing with our overwhelming loss was ‘his way!’ And it didn’t mean that he loved Savannah any less, or missed her sweet smile any lesser than I did….. And I accept that now.

Losing a child can destroy a marriage….or make the bond stronger.  Nobody else can grasp the suffering you go through when you have to bury your child….except your partner.   And sometimes I had expectations of Peter being different, or wanting him to be different to what he was.   Some days I felt abandoned….tears became my best friend.

But with pain comes strength, and over time I began to realize I had to let go of my destructive thinking about Peter not sharing his grief and let that too come between us or my anguish would unravel not only our marriage but my life…and Dempsey’s life.

Our marriage has changed.  We aren’t the same fun loving innocent people we were on that warm October day in 1997 that said “I do” to each other.  That promised to be there for one another…”In sickness and in health.”  And I don’t know if the loss of our daughter has a lot to do with that…or whether it’s that you can become complacent in a relationship and take each other for granted as time ticks by.

I do know that marriage after loss or challenges that change a family takes work and commitment and forgiveness and tolerance or respect. It’s a two way street.

As a couple, we’ve survived something so profound, bound together like a tightly woven rope in our grief over losing our daughter.  Together we made Savannah…something so beautiful….and together we watched her die. And that part has created a bond that we’ll always have. And it is a paradox, but those days were the most precious of times, mixed with the most painful of days.

One of my fav pics of Savannah at 6 months old with Nannie's chemo hat on during a visit with mum


I’ve read different statistics on divorce after the death of a child, and I hope we never become a number….

Our responsibilities have changed from when Savannah was with us…our roles as carers of a terminally ill child no longer remain….but as parents of our other daughter Dempsey, combined with the bond and love over surviving the worst life has to offer will always be there.  And hopefully, that will always be enough. :) x

Comparing the Roses and the Thorns in Grief... x

When you experience the loss of a loved one, or you go through an enormous challenge in life, there will always be ‘the before’ and ‘the after’ – ‘the rose’ and ‘the thorn.’

Sometimes, you compare how your life was before the event…in contrast to how it is now….

And I think grief or hardship, manages to rearrange your thoughts and change how you look at life.

Over time, it redirects your emotions and priorities from the unimportant stuff to what really matters in the big picture.   Like leaving those dirty dishes in the sink for just a few more hours…. :)

It also changes shape from a massive inconceivable event, that overtakes your life…to one where, eventually, you evaluate, you adjust, you absorb, you analyze….and you learn to cope with things…that would’ve upset you some time before.

And I don’t’ know if it’s just me, or if this is part of a grief phenomenon….to compare all the time….to draw comparisons from the before and the after?

For example….

Last Thursday, I dropped Dempsey off at the school gate, headed to the gym for a workout and then returned home for a shower.  When I got upstairs I noticed my bed had been made…I scratched my head, stared at the neatly made duvet, and the pillows sitting perfectly in place…I honestly thought I was going crazy! I couldn’t remember doing it.

“Maybe Peter did it?” I thought to myself. (which would be a bloody miracle as this has never happened in over 20 years.) :)

That night after school, Dempsey asked; “Did you notice your bed this morning Mummy?”

And it clicked, the penny dropped…”Did you make Mummy’s bed Precious?” I inquired, surprised.

And with a huge dimpled grin, my gorgeous little girl said, “Yes, its Random Act of Kindness Week at school Mummy!”

I grabbed Demps in a big bear hug, made a fuss and told her how sweet it was of her to do that!

It made my heart surge with love and pride.  Something so simple, yet it meant so much!  So I told her I’d return the ‘random act’ and let her choose where she wanted to go for dinner because Peter was travelling with work that night.

Dempsey chose Lucille’s, a rib restaurant which has become her new favorite.

Sitting across from her at the diner an overwhelming sense of adoration washed over me….I suddenly noticed she’s growing up so quickly, and seems to be changing…or blossoming, right before my eyes.

I felt this amazing rush of emotion, I wanted to capture the moment, so I grabbed my iPhone and took her photo…of course with Demps whining..."Muuuummy do you have to!”

                       my rose... :)


And in my mind, like I always do, now…..I started to reminisce and compare…to the thorn, and the rose……….

I thought about how she’s just a bit older than my nephew Alexander was when my sister was killed…and whether she’d be able to cope if it happened to me?

I compared her to Savannah, wondering what Savannah would look like now if she was sitting next to Dempsey?

I compared her to my nieces…how they are almost 12…and I wondered how more beautiful she’ll get when she reaches their age?

I compared the noisy family of six behind us with our family of three…and wondered what it would be like if Savannah was alive and there were four of us?

Maybe it’s a survival tool I use, a technique to deflect my grief, or categorize and sort it into some kind of functional practical device so I can absorb and survive it?   I’m not sure, but I do it all the time……

And yesterday, the Gardener’s have been in our yard, sculpting…or butchering Savannah’s sacred rose bush.  They’ve stripped it of every leaf, every rose and every thorn!

And I was mortified about it…but….I didn’t cry like I would’ve a few years ago!

Again, I compared, how I can cope with things like this….now, as opposed to ‘before,’ where I would’ve been devastated…..

I was still pissed off, and I’ll be leaving them some detailed ‘instructions’ next week. :) 

But the comparison made me realize grief does change and become manageable as the days move forward.  It has to.

Like Savannah’s rose bush...after you’ve been decimated by an event….you do regenerate, you grow and you compare.  You discover you too can be revived…and your thorns, or your grief, can change and bloom into roses someday….just as Savannah’s special rose bush will again……….

                     How Savannah's rose bush normally looks...most of the year round.



I’d love to hear if anyone else does this…the comparing, or some obsessionisms as I call them…that grief creates??

Or maybe, it’s a Libra thing….and it’s just me and I’ve learnt to compare the roses and adjust with the thorns in order to blossom….

Ps; Today on this Valentine’s Day my thoughts are with anyone who’s missing a loved one.  I hope you have a happy memory you can call up to fill your blue cup with sunshine…or chocolate you can indulge in…..even if it’s only for a little while..... x

Destination Unknown....

This week Dempsey is ‘Top Chef’ at school….which means it’s all about ‘her’ for five days in her class.

What she likes, dislikes, her favorite things in life, her family…and I have the privilege of speaking to her class mates on Thursday all about ‘her.’ I’ve been threatening to tell her peers how she used to crawl under our dining table to pooh in her diaper…which of course was met with a “Noooooo Mummy!!!” And of course I wouldn’t do that, but I love her reaction. :)

So going over some old photos to take in I found this one;

When this photo was taken, Dempsey was 6 months old…my world was crumbling apart at the seams, however, as you can see, Dempsey was my bright beacon…always happy…and those dimples!!!!   :)

Anyway, looking back through her photos made me wonder about her destination in life…what mark she will leave on this world?

What experiences will define the person she becomes?

What will leave an imprint on her soul?

Who will be her heroes?

And none of us know our destination…it can change in a heartbeat, and that’s the beauty about life…..destination unknown!  It really is an adventure....good or bad.

So as I peeped at February on our calendar, which I can’t believe is tomorrow…. I noticed the quote on the top…

I love these inspirational calendars! It says “The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same.  Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination." - Don Williams Jr.”

And it’s true, every new day creates a new possibility…we can control our attitude but there’s a lot we can’t control in life most of the time.

Fate is one of them….

Like the TV show “Wheel of Fortune.”   You don’t know where your wheel will stop, or what prize you’ll be given….or...whether you’ll miss a turn….

And it seems my wheel has been spun these past few weeks, and by chance, or destiny, fate has landed on my space.  

You see I’ve been offered the most amazing opportunity.  I’ve been approached by Ruthe from The Let It Be Foundation where I volunteer, to become a 'Grief Group Facilitator'…to help heal other parents who’ve lost a child…who’s heart isn’t as strong as mine is….yet!

For the past three Monday evenings I’ve been training with an amazing, insightful, generous soul named Sue…one of my new hero’s.

Sue is an author, a nurse and the creator of the New Hope Grief Support Organization.  She’s had over 20 years experience leading support groups in the community to help others heal from their losses. Receiving her wisdom and compassion has been inspiring.

The training sessions have been a lot of fun....if you can imagine that!

They’ve also been confronting, however in a good way. And I’ve learned I’m ready to reach out with my experiences of losing my loved ones and provide hope to other parents who’ve experienced the worse grief has to offer.

Last night, sitting in a circle while the fire crackled behind us, we talked about how if you’re only 6 months into your grief journey you cannot comprehend that the sadness will ever go away….you cry every day…but as survivors who’s journey has been longer, we are living proof that the sadness does ease, it never disappears, but it does change and become manageable….and that will give another hope…..

My destination has changed from what it was before my losses…however, because of my grief experience, life is deeper now, my values changed and my ability to notice the beauty that surrounds my journey is blinding.   And that’s the one thing I’d never have imagined…that from all this tragedy, I’d be taught gratitude and compassion.

So I’ve been given the chance to give back because of Savannah, to make a gift out of my grief…I hope I can be a hero to someone someday, like Savannah was to me and like Sue is to so many, anyone can alter or try to change their destination...after all… “Heroes take journeys, confront dragons, and discover the treasure of their true selves.” - Carol Lynn Pearson

I can’t wait to start slaying! :)


ps;  Here is the link to Sue's "New Hope Grief Support Orginization" where they offer some amazing support, Grief Camp and other programs;  http://www.newhopegrief.org/

Moments that mold us into who we become....and some thanks x

Life and death have a way of shaping us into who we are.  In grief we are dismantled, changed......however, over time we are put back together by people and love and memories and molded into something else.

Unique moments...gratitude....and recognizing special moments wrap themselves around us and change the way we view the ordinary.  Like today…

I’m sitting here in front of our fire, the heat it's radiating warms me to my bones…the flames are dancing to the music Dempsey is gifting me with on her new piano.

The song she’s tapping out on the ivories is “The Caravan” and it sounds a lot like either a snake charmer should be in playing some exotic flute in front of me…or a flock of belly dancers are about to descend on our home.   And I don’t know if I’d have recognized these special things if it wasn’t for all the experiences I’ve been through these past years. I call these little moments “The Gift of Grief.”  I almost have to pinch myself! :)

Last Saturday was Savannah’s anniversary and while I went into that bottomless pit of emotions, I also had many cherished one’s that helped put a band aid on my heart.

You see last Thursday, out of the blue, Dempsey’s amazing Russian piano teacher phoned to say she was selling her daughters piano…knowing we were interested. So we gladly snatched it up.

And on Savannah’s special day my cell phone rang to say the piano was on a truck, being delivered….that day, her day….it was almost like a gift to Dempsey from her big sister…and boy was it special!

So this past week we’ve had the most amazing music filtering into all corners of our home from Dempsey’s new piano….and it’s magnificent!

Then on Thursday, I got to watch my baby play on a Baby Grand at her piano lesson…wow!   I couldn't stop smiling....a memory that's imbedded itself in my mind forever.  I just feel so blessed!

On Savannah’s special day, family and friends didn't forget, and to anyone who's lost someone...that's what they fear...that our loved ones will be forgotton....that it's been X amount of years gone by and we are somehow okay now....

A family in Australia whom I adore...and who Savannah did too, sent delicate pink roses for her….they smelt sweet and were fragile...and pretty….like she was…and it meant so much....

This weekend it’s rained in sunny California….and I love it.

I love the sound of the soft pitter patter on the roof and the fact that everything’s been cleansed….me included! :)

My new year started this week, it does every year.....

I feel full of love and have had my heart molded like play dough, thanks to some special people in my life and my gorgeous Demps!

And today is my dad’s 78th birthday.

Tonight, as I wished him a happy birthday down the phone line…across the miles and told him how much I love him, it seems Dad too has had a bit of sculpting done…the rough old edges chipped away, into a softer, wiser soul through his grief and life..…in his words…

”I feel so lucky to have my family, that’s all that matters to me…some people don’t realize how important family is. When you get to my age Diana, you’ll understand!”

I smiled as I hung up the phone......and thought to myself…I don’t need to be 78…I already know Dad, I already know!

Wishing you sunshine if your cup is blue.....or snow filled....or damp from the rain....no matter what, there's always beauty in the little bits... x

Forever Four.....another year gone by

From Peter Pan;  

"Peter Pan; Forget them, Wendy. Forget them all. Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown up things again.

Wendy: Never is an awfully long time.  You won't forget me, will you?

Peter: Me? Forget? Never.

Wendy: Will you ever come back?

Peter: To hear stories......about me......"


Another year Bubby, another year without you….it feels like only yesterday that you were here with us all….

I wonder where you are?

I look for you in Dempsey….in her eyes…I look for you in little girls, and teenagers, almost your age…I will always search for you.

I see in you butterflies and cherry blossoms and the blue sprinkled in a rainbow.

I feel you in the warm sunshine and I breathe you in after a rain shower.

I hear you in Dempsey’s giggles.

You are everywhere…but not here…

Death reached out and took your tiny hand….but part of you will always live in the corner of my heart.

And so, I remember, because you’re impossible to forget…..

You dying will always be my reason for living…because you can’t.  And the lessons you left with us I’m still learning from…my life richer because of your time here Bubby.

Even in your pain, you taught us so much…and I will always hang on to that, your utter love…the memory of your arms around my neck, of you quietly reading your books, and collecting pine cones in your little red wagon…your infectious laugh and those beautiful soulful blue eyes.  Those memories will never leave…and I’m grateful for them.....for you.

I imagine you somewhere….dancing and twirling, free from your disease, watching over us…over Dempsey.

Some day’s, I smile when I think of you…and other days it’s not easy that you’re missing. Not easy to steal a vision of how you’d be now…and all the things you’ve missed…I’ve missed, Daddy and Dempsey has missed about you.  I will always wonder, until the end of my days.

But I know you are in my laughter, my tears, my sadness, my joy.  You will always be a part of that…always be forever four, trapped in time but locked into my heart for eternity.

But ultimately, you were here Bubby…for a little while….and you were mine….and at least I’ll always have that.

Mummy misses you...

Bye baby bunting, Daddy’s gone a hunting, gone to get a rabbit skin, to wrap our precious Savannah in…. x

The week leading up to 'her' day.....

Last week I joined the gym. And I’m feeling pretty good about that! :)

The rush I get when I push myself…when beads of sweat trickle down my face feels good…like I’m being cleansed.  It’s like I’m exorcising (instead of exercising) some of my demons out. And this time of year the despised D’s are granted access into my mind….

You see this week is Savannah’s week. The week she left us…the week she slowly deteriorated before our eyes and there was nothing we could do…the week she took her last breathe.

Savannah 2 weeks before she died in the jacuzzi with Peter and Dempsey


And no matter how hard I try, I’m pre-occupied with haunting memories of that week.   And anyone who’s lost someone know’s, sometimes the week leading up to the day can be harder than the actual anniversary.

So sweating away on the stair mill today, with my iPod on shuffle, the song “In the arms of an angel” came on. 

It’s one of my favorites and usually makes me emotional, but today while exercising…listening to the words - “You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie. You’re in the arms of an Angel, may you find some comfort here.”  I lost it. I had to hit pause, step off the stepper and surrender to my tears in the safety of a toilet stall.



Push play.....

I know this week will be filled with moments like that….and I know the tears help to heal.  I know I can’t just shut these feeling out.  My grief is a life long process…and especially on anniversary weeks, it intensifies.

However, I’m ready for it.  I know what’s coming.  The remembering.  The longing....and the “why’s?” I also know that by next week the sadness and pain will simmer back down.

Friday night we had our first get together around our back T.

These days, not much surprises me…..but Friday night, I was overwhelmed and staggered at a friend of ours, her generosity and insight.

This friend, Nicola, hasn’t seen us since the mid 1990’s.  She’s been a career girl in Bahrain, living a fascinating life, however, last year, through good old Facebook, we reconnected.  

And as you do when you touch base with someone from your past you ask questions.  Nicola told me all about her exciting life and finished off the email with..”I had a quick look on your FB – you guys have got 2 little girls, gorgeous….your turn!”

I thought, “Oh no!...she doesn’t know all that’s happened.” And I wasn’t sure how she’d react to our tale of happiness, love, tragedy and heartache.  But I was pleasantly surprised.  She was more compassionate than many of my friends are...and it was comforting!

So Friday night, she brought me a gift.  In a little black velvet pouch…with a letter, for she somehow remembered it’s Savannah’s anniversary on Saturday.

These days, I don’t do letter’s in front of the giver’s as I get emotional.  So I saved her note but pulled open the pouch.

Out dropped the most beautiful black stones. Two of them. One for Peter and one for me. (I know Peter won’t utilize his stone..he won't talk about Savannah's death)

They are Apache Tear’s also known as Black Apache Tear Crystals. And if you’re like me and have never heard of them, they are healing crystals.

Legend states after the Pinal Apaches were attacked by the military. Almost 50 of the 75 Apaches were shot during the surprise assault. The remainder of the tribe withdrew to a cliff edge and chose to die by leaping off the rock face.

For years following, the Apache women wept and mourned their loved ones where the bleached bones of the dead were wedged in the crevices of the cliff.  Their sadness was so enormous, and their burden of sadness so genuine that the Great Father imbedded the tears of the Apache women into the black stones.

‘Legend’ also states, “He who owns an Apache Tear Drop will never have to cry again because the Apache women have shed their tears in place of yours.”

Beautiful right? These stones are meant to help with deep healing…and God knows I could use some of that this week!

So I was flabbergasted, teary, grateful and oh so moved by Nicola’s gift.  She’d even spent two hours performing Reiki on them….in hope they’ll help us.

Nicola's lovely note...

We spent the early hours of Saturday morning talking about grief and death and afterlife…and “Why Savannah?”  And I know I’ll never know why….it will haunt me forever. 

However, my wise, beautiful friend also had a different view on “Why it was her time..”

Nicola’s suggestion was that maybe she was taken by her guardian Angels early so something even more horrific didn’t happen down the track.

                           Beautiful at almost 3....Savannah just before her disease progressed...

And while I appreciated her point of view, to me, there is nothing more hellish than Metachromatic Leukodystrophy.  It stole everything from her, period!

Friday night I slept with my Apache Tear’s under my pillow hoping their legend will work some magic on my coming week….

And if they don’t, that’s okay too…I know I’ll be in the arms of some Angels, in friends like Nicola and those that knew Savannah.

There’s nothing anyone can do to alter my pain. It’s mine alone.  However, those that reach out do make a difference on those difficult days…and I will find comfort in that....

They know this week is challenging….it always will be….however, their love, support and remembering, will carry me through….like my memories of a beautiful little 4 year old girl who's time was cut short.

“In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
 That brings me to my knees
 In the arms of an Angel far away from here
 From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
 You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
 In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here….."

What will you choose in the New Year?

Past

Present

Future

Which one do you give most attention too…which is most important to you?

Me, well I mull over the past a lot. It simmers away in my memory bank, like a slow cooker stew….and I try not to dwell on the ingredients, as it’s just that…the past. Has been, gone, changed, irreversible….

However, the person I am now has a lot to do with my past. And with grief or loss, the past plays a huge part in how you face your future.

The new year is almost here, and I find around this time I begin to reflect on what I want to change about myself in the days ahead to make me a better person, a better mum and friend to others. It’s like Mother Nature gives us a clean slate to start again on January 1…or try to anyway….it’s all about choice.

When Savannah was diagnosed with her terminal illness and we were told there was no cure…anywhere in the world for our baby, there was nothing we could do.....I felt powerless.  All choices had been stolen. 

But over a period of time and with the help of my amazing mum, I started to see I did have a choice.  A choice in how her last few months would be spent.   Outside in the sunshine, or inside in a hospital bed. Having books read to her or leaving her with a carer…there were choices.  And that was empowering.

And her death taught me it’s the present that’s the most important.  The here and now and learning to tap into my senses to enjoy what’s happening around me….to notice everything with grace.  And after a while you learn you can do this.  You can’t buy a smile, or bottle a laugh, or replace the touch of a hand…..they are beyond price!

Christmas day was all about family for me.

I made a conscious effort to spend a few minutes looking around our decorated table. Not at the silver reindeer candelabra that had his six antlers a blaze on our table. Or the fine red wine I had topped up in my crystal goblet.

It was the faces parked up at our table I noticed. They were glowing brighter than any candle ever could.

There was laughter from a few different generations of conversations going on…the grand folks, mixed with the Z Generation made for interesting listening…. :)

Demps teaching Brenda how to play Angry Birds...and my gorgeous Dad!


And watching Dempsey trying to teach Dad’s 75 year old wife Brenda how to play ‘Angry Birds’ on her new iPod that Santa brought was priceless.  

Yes, it’s all about engaging in life and surrendering your senses.  Smelling the plump turkey and listening, really listening to the banter…it’s seeing those smiles and feeling them in your heart….and squirreling them away….being thankful.

I see death, or grief like a bully...it pushes it's way into your life.

Sometimes it’s in control and you do feel helpless.   But boy does it feel good when you stand up to it….to make the choice not to let it destroy what’s left of your life......

Not having Savannah with us will always be painful....I accept that now. 

Every Christmas and every birthday or anniversary, or even a trip down memory lane will be hard.....what I'll never know about her is hard!  And that’s part of the package.   But choice is also part of the deal.....and choice or making a commitment in trying to achieve something, whether it's happiness or succeeding at a challenge does ingrain strength inside.  It gives you that push…or shove, to do better…or be better.

Christmas night was special to me.  I had my sister’s 16 year old son Fraser all to myself because Tone had taken the rest of the family to the big smoke.

For 4 hours we talked non stop about Tarnia...and life and love and loss….and making the right choices….and there’s a lot when you’re only 16! :)

Charlotte and Emerald the night of their Graduation....

While we were in Australia I had many special moments.

Like seeing my sister’s twin girls graduate from Elementary School. I got to buy their dresses, and do their hair…and witness their butterflies and excitement.  I got to spend time with my Dad and Tone and my sister’s oldest Alexander…precious times!

But yesterday, I had to say goodbye to all of that…to family and friends, and board the big bird and fly over the oceans back to the USA…without any of them. And it was hard.

Seeing the kids and Tone in my rear view mirror as we drove away on Wednesday night made me cry. And hugging my Dad and not knowing if I’ll see him again was painful.

However, again, choosing to be appreciative that we can even afford to fly home and see family slowly ebbed its way into my mind….and that helps.

A beautiful friend of mine reminded me that life changes, that’s part of the deal too. They also said “The weight in your heart gets a bit lighter as time goes on.” And it’s true, it does.  It’s all about change and choice and committing to keep that thought always in the forefront of my mind.

So my new year’s resolution will be to ‘choose’ to be happy…no matter what.  To try to entrust I’m exactly where I’m meant to be on this journey and to embrace whatever 2012 (OMG) brings.

Thanks to you for supporting my humble blog…It’s a privilege to read your comments.

Hopefully, I’ll look forward to seeing you next year..and whatever next year brings! Cheers! x

Grief and coping in the days leading up to Christmas x

In Australia we have some unique iridescent green beetles that magically appear around this time of year called Christmas Beetles. They seem to materialize out of nowhere…a lot like grief or feelings of longing do at this time of year.

And its funny, but last week, as Dempsey started to decorate our Christmas tree, one landed on her arm. She was mesmerized at its magnificent color, and that having a Christmas Beetle appear, must mean Christmas is almost here…

I do a lot of deep breathing this time of year….its not from over exercising, or meditating…..it’s the weight I feel inside my heart that our other daughter Savannah isn’t here to share this special time….along with mum or my sister Tarnia.

During the festive season, grief or challenges can make you feel isolated from others…..and that’s the reality. However, finding ways to look differently at what you do have, helps balance out those G moments!

Anyone who’s lost a family member, a friend, or a precious child feels that twinge of pain come and go. For me, it hovers around….makes me breathe in the big ones, as the days get busy with Christmassy things.

Different moments, like watching Dempsey hang her sister’s sparkling ‘S’ on our tree trigger the pangs, and I know that’s normal to feel this way….as long as the sad moments pass….and I can be thankful too…to notice the little moments that foster happiness and help the hurt to heal.

And as all things Christmas invade our life in the past week, there are many twinkling, fleeting, flashes of happiness that prevail over the sad bits in the lead up to the big day…..when Santa sprinkles the good stuff around.

And I’ve had plenty of good, great and grateful stuff mixed in….one was the adventure to pick out our tree.

Peter, Dempsey and me drove to a Christmas tree farm, with the help of directions from my brother in law Tone. Out into the country and down a dusty bush track to a plantation of them in fact.

And as I happily watched Dempsey stomp through the bushes, umming and ahhing over which tree, then picking out the prettiest one….like only a female can…a butterfly appeared.....somewhat out of nowhere...and landed on the tree Demps had chosen.

I had to smile….I like to think it was Savannah, approving of her sisters choice! :)

We also had a local church Christmas fete that was filled with fun stuff….all free in the spirit of Christmas…..I hope this photo makes you smile as it did me….watching my little daughter, draw in a deep breathe, and bravely jump into the abyss....like we all have to sometimes.....

You really need to do what works for you this time of year. Whether it’s wasting time doing nothing but sleeping, or turning on an answering machine to get some peace….whether it’s over indulging in chocolate…or finding some serenity in some simple moments, seeing the beauty in being alive that helps.

I’ve had quite a few of those too with our family of swans that park up each night right at sunset, waiting patiently to be fed stale bread by Dempsey.

Having friends and family around this year will be like an invisible barricade of strength for me. 

I know they love me, scars and all.   And that helps me survive those sad moments that lie just under my eyelids and inside my heart.

The presents don’t matter to me anymore…just the love, the hugs, the hello’s, the sound of Bing Crosby’s Christmas Carols quietly playing….and getting to see Christmas through my child’s eye’s is what gets me through.

I’ll think of the many others around the world who are missing their loved ones, they also help remind me I’m not the only one missing someone.....

Yes, small steps, big breathes, appreciation and love will be inside my stocking this year....along with happiness.  I'll have the privilege of telling those I care about, just how special they make my Christmas and how they fill my blue christmas cup with sunshine!

Silent night,
Holy night,
All is calm……all is bright…..  x