Sunshine In A Blue Cup

Destination Unknown....

2012-01-31T13:43:00.000-08:00

This week Dempsey is ‘Top Chef’ at school….which means it’s all about ‘her’ for five days in her class.

What she likes, dislikes, her favorite things in life, her family…and I have the privilege of speaking to her class mates on Thursday all about ‘her.’ I’ve been threatening to tell her peers how she used to crawl under our dining table to pooh in her diaper…which of course was met with a “Noooooo Mummy!!!” And of course I wouldn’t do that, but I love her reaction. :)

So going over some old photos to take in I found this one;

When this photo was taken, Dempsey was 6 months old…my world was crumbling apart at the seams, however, as you can see, Dempsey was my bright beacon…always happy…and those dimples!!!! :)

Anyway, looking back through her photos made me wonder about her destination in life…what mark she will leave on this world?

What experiences will define the person she becomes?

What will leave an imprint on her soul?

Who will be her heroes?

And none of us know our destination…it can change in a heartbeat, and that’s the beauty about life…..destination unknown! It really is an adventure....good or bad.

So as I peeped at February on our calendar, which I can’t believe is tomorrow…. I noticed the quote on the top…

I love these inspirational calendars! It says “The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination." - Don Williams Jr.”

And it’s true, every new day creates a new possibility…we can control our attitude but there’s a lot we can’t control in life most of the time.

Fate is one of them….

Like the TV show “Wheel of Fortune.” You don’t know where your wheel will stop, or what prize you’ll be given….or...whether you’ll miss a turn….

And it seems my wheel has been spun these past few weeks, and by chance, or destiny, fate has landed on my space.

You see I’ve been offered the most amazing opportunity. I’ve been approached by Ruthe from The Let It Be Foundation where I volunteer, to become a 'Grief Group Facilitator'…to help heal other parents who’ve lost a child…who’s heart isn’t as strong as mine is….yet!

For the past three Monday evenings I’ve been training with an amazing, insightful, generous soul named Sue…one of my new hero’s.

Sue is an author, a nurse and the creator of the New Hope Grief Support Organization. She’s had over 20 years experience leading support groups in the community to help others heal from their losses. Receiving her wisdom and compassion has been inspiring.

The training sessions have been a lot of fun....if you can imagine that!

They’ve also been confronting, however in a good way. And I’ve learned I’m ready to reach out with my experiences of losing my loved ones and provide hope to other parents who’ve experienced the worse grief has to offer.

Last night, sitting in a circle while the fire crackled behind us, we talked about how if you’re only 6 months into your grief journey you cannot comprehend that the sadness will ever go away….you cry every day…but as survivors who’s journey has been longer, we are living proof that the sadness does ease, it never disappears, but it does change and become manageable….and that will give another hope…..

My destination has changed from what it was before my losses…however, because of my grief experience, life is deeper now, my values changed and my ability to notice the beauty that surrounds my journey is blinding. And that’s the one thing I’d never have imagined…that from all this tragedy, I’d be taught gratitude and compassion.

So I’ve been given the chance to give back because of Savannah, to make a gift out of my grief…I hope I can be a hero to someone someday, like Savannah was to me and like Sue is to so many, anyone can alter or try to change their destination...after all… “Heroes take journeys, confront dragons, and discover the treasure of their true selves.” - Carol Lynn Pearson

I can’t wait to start slaying! :)

ps; Here is the link to Sue's "New Hope Grief Support Orginization" where they offer some amazing support, Grief Camp and other programs; http://www.newhopegrief.org/

Moments that mold us into who we become....and some thanks x

2012-01-22T20:14:00.000-08:00

Life and death have a way of shaping us into who we are. In grief we are dismantled, changed......however, over time we are put back together by people and love and memories and molded into something else.

Unique moments...gratitude....and recognizing special moments wrap themselves around us and change the way we view the ordinary. Like today…

I’m sitting here in front of our fire, the heat it's radiating warms me to my bones…the flames are dancing to the music Dempsey is gifting me with on her new piano.

The song she’s tapping out on the ivories is “The Caravan” and it sounds a lot like either a snake charmer should be in playing some exotic flute in front of me…or a flock of belly dancers are about to descend on our home. And I don’t know if I’d have recognized these special things if it wasn’t for all the experiences I’ve been through these past years. I call these little moments “The Gift of Grief.” I almost have to pinch myself! :)

Last Saturday was Savannah’s anniversary and while I went into that bottomless pit of emotions, I also had many cherished one’s that helped put a band aid on my heart.

You see last Thursday, out of the blue, Dempsey’s amazing Russian piano teacher phoned to say she was selling her daughters piano…knowing we were interested. So we gladly snatched it up.

And on Savannah’s special day my cell phone rang to say the piano was on a truck, being delivered….that day, her day….it was almost like a gift to Dempsey from her big sister…and boy was it special!

So this past week we’ve had the most amazing music filtering into all corners of our home from Dempsey’s new piano….and it’s magnificent!

Then on Thursday, I got to watch my baby play on a Baby Grand at her piano lesson…wow! I couldn't stop smiling....a memory that's imbedded itself in my mind forever. I just feel so blessed!

On Savannah’s special day, family and friends didn't forget, and to anyone who's lost someone...that's what they fear...that our loved ones will be forgotton....that it's been X amount of years gone by and we are somehow okay now....

A family in Australia whom I adore...and who Savannah did too, sent delicate pink roses for her….they smelt sweet and were fragile...and pretty….like she was…and it meant so much....

This weekend it’s rained in sunny California….and I love it.

I love the sound of the soft pitter patter on the roof and the fact that everything’s been cleansed….me included! :)

My new year started this week, it does every year.....

I feel full of love and have had my heart molded like play dough, thanks to some special people in my life and my gorgeous Demps!

And today is my dad’s 78th birthday.

Tonight, as I wished him a happy birthday down the phone line…across the miles and told him how much I love him, it seems Dad too has had a bit of sculpting done…the rough old edges chipped away, into a softer, wiser soul through his grief and life..…in his words…

”I feel so lucky to have my family, that’s all that matters to me…some people don’t realize how important family is. When you get to my age Diana, you’ll understand!”

I smiled as I hung up the phone......and thought to myself…I don’t need to be 78…I already know Dad, I already know!

Wishing you sunshine if your cup is blue.....or snow filled....or damp from the rain....no matter what, there's always beauty in the little bits... x

Forever Four.....another year gone by

2012-01-14T19:55:00.000-08:00

From Peter Pan;

"Peter Pan; Forget them, Wendy. Forget them all. Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown up things again.

Wendy: Never is an awfully long time. You won't forget me, will you?

Peter: Me? Forget? Never.

Wendy: Will you ever come back?

Peter: To hear stories......about me......"

Another year Bubby, another year without you….it feels like only yesterday that you were here with us all….

I wonder where you are?

I look for you in Dempsey….in her eyes…I look for you in little girls, and teenagers, almost your age…I will always search for you.

I see in you butterflies and cherry blossoms and the blue sprinkled in a rainbow.

I feel you in the warm sunshine and I breathe you in after a rain shower.

I hear you in Dempsey’s giggles.

You are everywhere…but not here…

Death reached out and took your tiny hand….but part of you will always live in the corner of my heart.

And so, I remember, because you’re impossible to forget…..

You dying will always be my reason for living…because you can’t. And the lessons you left with us I’m still learning from…my life richer because of your time here Bubby.

Even in your pain, you taught us so much…and I will always hang on to that, your utter love…the memory of your arms around my neck, of you quietly reading your books, and collecting pine cones in your little red wagon…your infectious laugh and those beautiful soulful blue eyes. Those memories will never leave…and I’m grateful for them.....for you.

I imagine you somewhere….dancing and twirling, free from your disease, watching over us…over Dempsey.

Some day’s, I smile when I think of you…and other days it’s not easy that you’re missing. Not easy to steal a vision of how you’d be now…and all the things you’ve missed…I’ve missed, Daddy and Dempsey has missed about you. I will always wonder, until the end of my days.

But I know you are in my laughter, my tears, my sadness, my joy. You will always be a part of that…always be forever four, trapped in time but locked into my heart for eternity.

But ultimately, you were here Bubby…for a little while….and you were mine….and at least I’ll always have that.

Mummy misses you...

Bye baby bunting, Daddy’s gone a hunting, gone to get a rabbit skin, to wrap our precious Savannah in…. x

The week leading up to 'her' day.....

2012-01-10T11:46:00.000-08:00

Last week I joined the gym. And I’m feeling pretty good about that! :)

The rush I get when I push myself…when beads of sweat trickle down my face feels good…like I’m being cleansed. It’s like I’m exorcising (instead of exercising) some of my demons out. And this time of year the despised D’s are granted access into my mind….

You see this week is Savannah’s week. The week she left us…the week she slowly deteriorated before our eyes and there was nothing we could do…the week she took her last breathe.

Savannah 2 weeks before she died in the jacuzzi with Peter and Dempsey

And no matter how hard I try, I’m pre-occupied with haunting memories of that week.   And anyone who’s lost someone know’s, sometimes the week leading up to the day can be harder than the actual anniversary.

So sweating away on the stair mill today, with my iPod on shuffle, the song “In the arms of an angel” came on.

It’s one of my favorites and usually makes me emotional, but today while exercising…listening to the words - “You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie. You’re in the arms of an Angel, may you find some comfort here.” I lost it. I had to hit pause, step off the stepper and surrender to my tears in the safety of a toilet stall.

Push play.....

I know this week will be filled with moments like that….and I know the tears help to heal. I know I can’t just shut these feeling out. My grief is a life long process…and especially on anniversary weeks, it intensifies.

However, I’m ready for it. I know what’s coming. The remembering.  The longing....and the “why’s?” I also know that by next week the sadness and pain will simmer back down.

Friday night we had our first get together around our back T.

These days, not much surprises me…..but Friday night, I was overwhelmed and staggered at a friend of ours, her generosity and insight.

This friend, Nicola, hasn’t seen us since the mid 1990’s. She’s been a career girl in Bahrain, living a fascinating life, however, last year, through good old Facebook, we reconnected.

And as you do when you touch base with someone from your past you ask questions. Nicola told me all about her exciting life and finished off the email with..”I had a quick look on your FB – you guys have got 2 little girls, gorgeous….your turn!”

I thought, “Oh no!...she doesn’t know all that’s happened.” And I wasn’t sure how she’d react to our tale of happiness, love, tragedy and heartache. But I was pleasantly surprised. She was more compassionate than many of my friends are...and it was comforting!

So Friday night, she brought me a gift. In a little black velvet pouch…with a letter, for she somehow remembered it’s Savannah’s anniversary on Saturday.

These days, I don’t do letter’s in front of the giver’s as I get emotional. So I saved her note but pulled open the pouch.

Out dropped the most beautiful black stones. Two of them. One for Peter and one for me. (I know Peter won’t utilize his stone..he won't talk about Savannah's death)

They are Apache Tear’s also known as Black Apache Tear Crystals. And if you’re like me and have never heard of them, they are healing crystals.

Legend states after the Pinal Apaches were attacked by the military. Almost 50 of the 75 Apaches were shot during the surprise assault. The remainder of the tribe withdrew to a cliff edge and chose to die by leaping off the rock face.

For years following, the Apache women wept and mourned their loved ones where the bleached bones of the dead were wedged in the crevices of the cliff. Their sadness was so enormous, and their burden of sadness so genuine that the Great Father imbedded the tears of the Apache women into the black stones.

‘Legend’ also states, “He who owns an Apache Tear Drop will never have to cry again because the Apache women have shed their tears in place of yours.”

Beautiful right? These stones are meant to help with deep healing…and God knows I could use some of that this week!

So I was flabbergasted, teary, grateful and oh so moved by Nicola’s gift. She’d even spent two hours performing Reiki on them….in hope they’ll help us.

Nicola's lovely note...

We spent the early hours of Saturday morning talking about grief and death and afterlife…and “Why Savannah?” And I know I’ll never know why….it will haunt me forever.

However, my wise, beautiful friend also had a different view on “Why it was her time..”

Nicola’s suggestion was that maybe she was taken by her guardian Angels early so something even more horrific didn’t happen down the track.

Beautiful at almost 3....Savannah just before her disease progressed...

And while I appreciated her point of view, to me, there is nothing more hellish than Metachromatic Leukodystrophy. It stole everything from her, period!

Friday night I slept with my Apache Tear’s under my pillow hoping their legend will work some magic on my coming week….

And if they don’t, that’s okay too…I know I’ll be in the arms of some Angels, in friends like Nicola and those that knew Savannah.

There’s nothing anyone can do to alter my pain. It’s mine alone. However, those that reach out do make a difference on those difficult days…and I will find comfort in that....

They know this week is challenging….it always will be….however, their love, support and remembering, will carry me through….like my memories of a beautiful little 4 year old girl who's time was cut short.

“In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
In the arms of an Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here….."

What will you choose in the New Year?

2011-12-30T11:50:00.000-08:00

Past

Present

Future

Which one do you give most attention too…which is most important to you?

Me, well I mull over the past a lot. It simmers away in my memory bank, like a slow cooker stew….and I try not to dwell on the ingredients, as it’s just that…the past. Has been, gone, changed, irreversible….

However, the person I am now has a lot to do with my past. And with grief or loss, the past plays a huge part in how you face your future.

The new year is almost here, and I find around this time I begin to reflect on what I want to change about myself in the days ahead to make me a better person, a better mum and friend to others. It’s like Mother Nature gives us a clean slate to start again on January 1…or try to anyway….it’s all about choice.

When Savannah was diagnosed with her terminal illness and we were told there was no cure…anywhere in the world for our baby, there was nothing we could do.....I felt powerless. All choices had been stolen.

But over a period of time and with the help of my amazing mum, I started to see I did have a choice. A choice in how her last few months would be spent. Outside in the sunshine, or inside in a hospital bed. Having books read to her or leaving her with a carer…there were choices. And that was empowering.

And her death taught me it’s the present that’s the most important. The here and now and learning to tap into my senses to enjoy what’s happening around me….to notice everything with grace. And after a while you learn you can do this. You can’t buy a smile, or bottle a laugh, or replace the touch of a hand…..they are beyond price!

Christmas day was all about family for me.

I made a conscious effort to spend a few minutes looking around our decorated table. Not at the silver reindeer candelabra that had his six antlers a blaze on our table. Or the fine red wine I had topped up in my crystal goblet.

It was the faces parked up at our table I noticed. They were glowing brighter than any candle ever could.

There was laughter from a few different generations of conversations going on…the grand folks, mixed with the Z Generation made for interesting listening…. :)

Demps teaching Brenda how to play Angry Birds...and my gorgeous Dad!

And watching Dempsey trying to teach Dad’s 75 year old wife Brenda how to play ‘Angry Birds’ on her new iPod that Santa brought was priceless.

Yes, it’s all about engaging in life and surrendering your senses. Smelling the plump turkey and listening, really listening to the banter…it’s seeing those smiles and feeling them in your heart….and squirreling them away….being thankful.

I see death, or grief like a bully...it pushes it's way into your life.

Sometimes it’s in control and you do feel helpless. But boy does it feel good when you stand up to it….to make the choice not to let it destroy what’s left of your life......

Not having Savannah with us will always be painful....I accept that now.

Every Christmas and every birthday or anniversary, or even a trip down memory lane will be hard.....what I'll never know about her is hard! And that’s part of the package. But choice is also part of the deal.....and choice or making a commitment in trying to achieve something, whether it's happiness or succeeding at a challenge does ingrain strength inside. It gives you that push…or shove, to do better…or be better.

Christmas night was special to me. I had my sister’s 16 year old son Fraser all to myself because Tone had taken the rest of the family to the big smoke.

For 4 hours we talked non stop about Tarnia...and life and love and loss….and making the right choices….and there’s a lot when you’re only 16! :)

Charlotte and Emerald the night of their Graduation....

While we were in Australia I had many special moments.

Like seeing my sister’s twin girls graduate from Elementary School. I got to buy their dresses, and do their hair…and witness their butterflies and excitement. I got to spend time with my Dad and Tone and my sister’s oldest Alexander…precious times!

But yesterday, I had to say goodbye to all of that…to family and friends, and board the big bird and fly over the oceans back to the USA…without any of them. And it was hard.

Seeing the kids and Tone in my rear view mirror as we drove away on Wednesday night made me cry. And hugging my Dad and not knowing if I’ll see him again was painful.

However, again, choosing to be appreciative that we can even afford to fly home and see family slowly ebbed its way into my mind….and that helps.

A beautiful friend of mine reminded me that life changes, that’s part of the deal too. They also said “The weight in your heart gets a bit lighter as time goes on.” And it’s true, it does. It’s all about change and choice and committing to keep that thought always in the forefront of my mind.

So my new year’s resolution will be to ‘choose’ to be happy…no matter what. To try to entrust I’m exactly where I’m meant to be on this journey and to embrace whatever 2012 (OMG) brings.

Thanks to you for supporting my humble blog…It’s a privilege to read your comments.

Hopefully, I’ll look forward to seeing you next year..and whatever next year brings! Cheers! x

Grief and coping in the days leading up to Christmas x

2011-12-19T22:10:00.000-08:00

In Australia we have some unique iridescent green beetles that magically appear around this time of year called Christmas Beetles. They seem to materialize out of nowhere…a lot like grief or feelings of longing do at this time of year.

And its funny, but last week, as Dempsey started to decorate our Christmas tree, one landed on her arm. She was mesmerized at its magnificent color, and that having a Christmas Beetle appear, must mean Christmas is almost here…

I do a lot of deep breathing this time of year….its not from over exercising, or meditating…..it’s the weight I feel inside my heart that our other daughter Savannah isn’t here to share this special time….along with mum or my sister Tarnia.

During the festive season, grief or challenges can make you feel isolated from others…..and that’s the reality. However, finding ways to look differently at what you do have, helps balance out those G moments!

Anyone who’s lost a family member, a friend, or a precious child feels that twinge of pain come and go. For me, it hovers around….makes me breathe in the big ones, as the days get busy with Christmassy things.

Different moments, like watching Dempsey hang her sister’s sparkling ‘S’ on our tree trigger the pangs, and I know that’s normal to feel this way….as long as the sad moments pass….and I can be thankful too…to notice the little moments that foster happiness and help the hurt to heal.

And as all things Christmas invade our life in the past week, there are many twinkling, fleeting, flashes of happiness that prevail over the sad bits in the lead up to the big day…..when Santa sprinkles the good stuff around.

And I’ve had plenty of good, great and grateful stuff mixed in….one was the adventure to pick out our tree.

Peter, Dempsey and me drove to a Christmas tree farm, with the help of directions from my brother in law Tone. Out into the country and down a dusty bush track to a plantation of them in fact.

And as I happily watched Dempsey stomp through the bushes, umming and ahhing over which tree, then picking out the prettiest one….like only a female can…a butterfly appeared.....somewhat out of nowhere...and landed on the tree Demps had chosen.

I had to smile….I like to think it was Savannah, approving of her sisters choice! :)

We also had a local church Christmas fete that was filled with fun stuff….all free in the spirit of Christmas…..I hope this photo makes you smile as it did me….watching my little daughter, draw in a deep breathe, and bravely jump into the abyss....like we all have to sometimes.....

You really need to do what works for you this time of year. Whether it’s wasting time doing nothing but sleeping, or turning on an answering machine to get some peace….whether it’s over indulging in chocolate…or finding some serenity in some simple moments, seeing the beauty in being alive that helps.

I’ve had quite a few of those too with our family of swans that park up each night right at sunset, waiting patiently to be fed stale bread by Dempsey.

Having friends and family around this year will be like an invisible barricade of strength for me.

I know they love me, scars and all. And that helps me survive those sad moments that lie just under my eyelids and inside my heart.

The presents don’t matter to me anymore…just the love, the hugs, the hello’s, the sound of Bing Crosby’s Christmas Carols quietly playing….and getting to see Christmas through my child’s eye’s is what gets me through.

I’ll think of the many others around the world who are missing their loved ones, they also help remind me I’m not the only one missing someone.....

Yes, small steps, big breathes, appreciation and love will be inside my stocking this year....along with happiness. I'll have the privilege of telling those I care about, just how special they make my Christmas and how they fill my blue christmas cup with sunshine!

Silent night,
Holy night,
All is calm……all is bright….. x

A G'day and a cuppa of comfort! :) x

2011-11-29T19:12:00.000-08:00

G’day from Australia….finally!!!! :)

Our plane trip back to Oz was long, however I was reminded of the beauty of being up in the heavens....watching the sunrise over the wing of the airplane...an indication of what was to come when our big bird touched down.

What can I say…..it’s kinda hard to find a word in the dictionary that measures up or encapsulates this feeling of being home with my family! I guess the closest one that springs to mind is ‘comfort’.

Everyone needs comfort…… whether you’re like me and sometimes need it on a special day, to soothe your sadness or just to up lift your mood if you having a Debbie downer day.

For me, coming home means facing some old memories, faded photos of past happy times and living reminders in my nephews and nieces of my sister who’s missing….who will always be missing….

However, the comfort in a hug or a smile, the slamming of car doors as I hear visitors arrive….or a “You look great!”….and the excitement of the kids to see, us balances out the sad stuff.

This trip, like last year, I’ve been challenged, as I always am, with the reality of how our lives are now….without mum, my sister or Savannah here. It’s different when we’re in the USA, different in the way that I’m not constantly reminded with old memories and places…it seems easier some days.

I came across this anniversary card from mum...her writing reminded me so much of her....

Whereas here, especially this year, we’ve been moving into our new home….packing up mum’s old china and crystal and wrapping old photo frames in newspaper, and I wouldn’t be human if these things didn’t tug at my heart…but they also bring me comfort....now….well most of them anyway! I’m not so sure about the photos with the 80’s hairdo I found. :)

Last year, we purchased a 2 acre plot of dirt…on a lake.

A 2 acre green canvas just waiting for lodgers. But we have to share on this land on the lake…however I don’t mind, because you see it’s with a plump pelican we’ve named Percy, a graceful family of black swans that actually do swan around, with 6 fluffy signets in tow.

There are a couple of baby bunnies that hop by each morning and nibble our grass. And brown ducks that nose dive, shaking their booty at us, gorging on whatever inhabits our lake.

Oh and I can’t forget the frogs…at night that’s all I can hear, no freeways, just endless croaking, a symphony of amphibians that serenade one another as the sun disappears.

And all of this is framed with the lake, so calm, it looks like a giant mirror, reflecting a carpeted sky of endless stars. Its organic magic from Mother Nature….medicinal and tranquil….and…comforting! :)

On my beautiful Mum’s anniversary, I thought a lot about her and wished she was here to see our new home…..

Mum with Savannah the day we arrived home from hospital

I imagined her with her elbow resting on our table, holding a glass of champagne filled with bubbles saying “Here’s cheers Darlin,” in a toast to health and happiness as she always did…..and I do now. :)

I stayed busy, with Peter having morphed into a Sergeant Major, piling box upon box at our front door for me to unpack, however Demps kindly interrupted, yelling from the lounge room to “Come look Mummy….quick!”

As I rushed into the room, not sure of what I’d see…..there, outside our front window, stretched from one side of the horizon to the other, was the most magnificent rainbow…

It was like mum was sending me a not so subtle message that she knows I miss her so much, but more importantly, that she’s be thrilled we’re in our new home and ‘happy.’

And just like that, I felt reassured. And while a rainbow will never be consolation that my mother isn’t here, I felt like she was watching down from heaven….sending me a sign.

I carry the best of my mum inside my heart…she wouldn’t want me to be walking around sad, and I always keep that in mind.

We’ve managed to recreate happy hour in the Southern hemisphere, with Friday night drinks in our new serenity.

My sister’s twins had a sleep over all weekend…to Dempsey’s delight…and mine!

Mine that I get to tell them stories about their mum and me growing up. Like how we’d squeeze into bed together and she’d tell me the Turnip story….or that she’d once had dinner with us around our table, while they were in safely tucked inside her belly waiting to be born.

They both mutter a small hummph and smile. I hope it gives them comfort, to learn things about their mum that isn’t here. I know I get a lot of comfort out of their bony butts sitting on my lap, and the similarities to my sister in their pretty faces and mannerisms……

Watching Dempsey, Emerald and Charlotte is food for my soul, however I can’t help but feel there is always one little one missing in Savannah. I often imagine the 4 of them together, when they stand side by side.

And it’s funny, I’ve been baking bread with our old Panasonic bread maker, dusted it off and fired her up….on Saturday, the house was filled with that doughy smell of freshly baked bread! As I pulled the loaf out of the tin, Charlotte commented, “Do you know Diana, the smell of freshly baked bread is 8^th on the list of comforting things to humans!” Her comment made me smile…..comfort is everywhere it seems, if you are aware of it….

I’m looking forward to the next few weeks, with lots of Aussie laughter echoing through our new house.

I’ll be intentionally building new memories, that I’ll store…like cookies in a cookie jar…a jar I can dip into anytime, that’ll offer up some crumbs of comfort when I need them…I’ll store the new one right beside my old jar of memories…that sometimes, I like to indulge in…but sometimes…the lid stays on tight….and that’s ok too…..

As we say in Oz….catch ya later on matie! :)

Flying back in time and a book review x

2011-11-09T13:11:00.000-08:00

It's been hectic in the Doyle house, phew! You see tomorrow night we’ll be boarding a giant metal bird that will carry us across the ocean…..home….to Australia.

It’s amazing when you think this 400 odd ton of tin, that’s held together with nuts and bolts and rivet’s can even get off the ground! I like to believe all the love and excitement and spirit that will be on board, in the souls of the passengers help to get her off the ground. :)

And a few days after we arrive it will be my beautiful Mum’s anniversary.

And its weird, but in coincidental ways that sometimes just seem to pop up, I’ve been sent a book to read and review called ‘Under the mesquite” by Guadalupe Garcia McCall. I didn’t get any money for doing this, just the thought from the publisher that this book may be endearing to some of my readers, something they can relate to that might help them.

The book is fictional, however is based on the author’s experience, losing her mother to Cancer as a teen.

“Under the mesquite” is about a young Mexican American girl, Lupita, who has to come to terms with her mother being diagnosed with cancer. It’s aimed at the young reader market, however I found I could relate to a lot in this book. It’s eloquently written with vivid descriptions of emotions that anyone who has lost someone could identify with.

There’s Lupita’s emotional challenges weaved inside the story as well as the courage she has to find to accept that her mother is dying. Something I could definitely connect with. She also touches on the trials and the complexities teenagers face while going through such a difficult journey.

In one part she states – “Everything’s wrong,” I say, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. “My mom’s sick and she’s not going to get better.” I wasn’t planning to tell him about Mami, but once I start, the words stampede out of me, a herd of untamed horses breaking out of an unstable corral.”

The book is written in a verse style, like a poem and is easy to read. The words flow and I found I finished this book in a few hours. But the memories it provoked and the places it took me back to were comforting….and I like that about a book…I felt I could’ve written it about my experience of losing my mum!

So on Monday, I sat in my car in the sunshine, outside Dempsey’s school, waiting for the school bell to chime…reading and waiting and reminiscing with “Under the mesquite” on my lap.

In one part of the book Lupita describes how she's scared about her mother dying…how she wants everything to be back the way it was. And it’s true, we do want things to be ‘as they were,’ but that’s an impossible dream….

The author seems to touch on a lot of these yearning’s we have when faced with impending loss….and does so in a way that reinforces that these feelings are normal and part of the transitions we go through to reach a place of healing.

However further on in the story as Lupita works through her grief, she comes to understand that she’ll always miss her “Mami,” but that she’s going to be okay. She finds comfort in the mesquite and writing, where she can fill pages full of memories and hope, because she finally realizes, “that’s what Mami would’ve wanted.”

And that part of this beautiful book made me smile and sigh and forced a few tears to roll down my cheeks…inside my car…on a warm Fall afternoon….because that’s what every mother wants, for their little ones…..to be happy. Whether they’re here or not.

I know if I had a phone line to heaven, that’s what my mum, who I miss so much would say to me today….to be happy and enjoy life, to have courage and not be afraid of anything that I might encounter on my journey.

And as written inside the pages of this book, like Lupita, whether you know it or not, you are stronger than you think….you put one foot in front of the other….no matter what…with hope….

So tomorrow night, we’ll be flying through the night skies to the land Down Under.

I know Mum’s anniversary next week will take me back to that roller coaster time of watching mum fade away….and will bring some tears....it always will. However, I’ll also think back to some treasured moments I had the privilege of spent with my mum, where we talked about life and love, and that will warm my heart.

So last night, as my beautiful daughter and I cuddled up under the throw rug on our couch, talking about dinner with my dad, and how she’ll be playing tag in the garden with her cousins, Demps asked what the weather will be like in Australia........

I clicked on my iPhone app and studied what the weather forecast is there…Dempsey looked over and stated…

“It looks mainly sunny Mummy, but with a chance of rain!”

And I had to smile as I cosied up with her and added “Yes Precious, a lot like life…..” :)

PS; if you’d like to read more about the book “Under the mesquite” you can click on this link...I'll catch you from Oz :) x
http://www.amazon.com/Under-Mesquite-Guadalupe-Garcia-Mccall/dp/1600604293/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_1

Life is like a bubble! x

2011-10-26T16:56:00.000-07:00

Before we head home to Australia, we always head out to Ontario Mills, a massive outlet shopping centre where the bargains are abundant. We pick out presents to take back and hand out. It puts a smile on my face to see the delight on the faces of our family and friends when they peek in their surprise goody bags….that’s if I don’t mix them up! :)

Peter already has our cases out with the present bags packed....

So on Sunday, we made the trek out to the Mall. And after carefully choosing gifts, the moths having fluttered out of Peter’s wallet, we stopped for lunch at the monstrous food hall. We rested our weary feet at a table next to a new attraction which caught Dempsey’s eye….and mine! I guess I’m still a big kid at heart!

It was a mid size swimming pool with giant plastic bubbles floating around on top of the water…inside the bubbles….children!!! :) Bizarre right? Eight bucks buys you five minutes of fun!

Peter and I watched Dempsey climb inside the deflated plastic cocoon as a huge noisy air hose inflated and stretched it out.

Peter and I scrambled for our iPhones.....filming Dempsey who was like a hamster trapped inside a wheel, trying to stand up then flailing about, giggling….it was cheap entertainment!

As I watched her scramble inside the big plastic ball, I thought about how bubbles sometimes mirror life….and grief or adversity that’s put in our path.

Life can be like a bubble!

It can be delicate, fragile even, and sometimes our perfect ‘bubble’ or world pop’s! And when this happens we’re left with just splinters of our past world…. and we think our bubble will never be whole again.

Life loses its sparkle, it stops glistening like it once did....

I know after my losses, after Tarnia was killed, and Mum was diagnosed with cancer....and especially after we were told our daughter would die before her 5th birthday...I never thought life would be worth living ever again....I wondered how we'd go on?

But in time, through love from family and friends....reading about others bubble’s that have burst....support, and faith and joy and hopefulness….you learn you can blow that bubble back up…sometimes, even bigger than it was before!

You manage to puff yourself back up….slowly…..you breathe life back into your little bubble, and sometimes, it even becomes stronger than it was before…...more resilient to the bumps along the way….and then your bubble turns into one that can survive the harshest of knocks and whirl winds that once threatened it.

And like bubbles, kids can sometimes be our teachers. Demonstrating that in life, you can find joy and laugh again in silly fun things.

Dempsey has certainly helped me see the lighter side of life and made me appreciate that money can’t buy the ‘good stuff.’

But of course in a 9 year olds eye’s it can! And of course the ‘good stuff’ for her on Sunday was this hot pink puppy balloon….also full of air! :)

And he’s somehow started to stalk us in our house…floating from room to room. He sorta stares at me with his ‘puppy eyes’ and his smile, like he’s just about to say "WOOF!" :)

And on your journey you may not yet be where I’m at inside my little bubble….but you will be…someday…baby steps, or baby breathes I say!

Sometimes, our challenges are overwhelming…and I know I can’t control when my bubble will pop, or explode next, but if it does, with strength and some deep breathes, I’ll continue to keep breathing and love wherever my bubble drifts to in this world.

In the meantime, I’ll let my joy and excitement over the right here, right now……and the thought of heading back to Australia to my loved ones in a few weeks bubble up to the surface and feed my soul........with whatever floats my way in the future, even if it is more challenges…..

Wishing you sunshine if your cup is blue and you are facing some hard days ahead….. x

Carving out a destiny.....

2011-10-20T14:47:00.000-07:00

A mile down the road from our house an enormous Pumpkin Patch has been set up for Halloween. It’s a new addition to our neighborhood and one that’s turned Dempsey into a nagging machine…..every time we stop at the traffic lights.

“Pleeeeaaassase Mummy can we go?”

That’s all I heard for days, every time the lights turned red.

I have a habit of putting things off, it’s a thorn in my side, a flaw in my character….but when you’ve got a little voice like a scratched record badgering you, you finally give in. And I am a pushover! :)

But I’m glad we went…some things I encountered at this dusty straw strewn Pumpkin Patch has given me a push….NOT to put things off.

Dempsey was like an eager beaver, rushing around, trying out the different jumping castles….mingling with other little girls who quickly became her new friend's.

And as I stood and watched her, giggling and hurdling over the blow up props, with hay in my shoes and grit in my teeth from the dust, I spotted another family….the young mother with a head scarf on. It was clear she was fighting cancer......I felt for her and her family and what she must be enduring each day. And it had a huge effect on me. You see since my birthday I’ve been thinking a lot about my Mum’s cancer…….

I am now almost the same age as she was when she was diagnosed with breast cancer…which she did beat, however years later developed ovarian cancer……

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. I like to believe my beautiful mum was sending me a message last Sunday, not to postpone things or procrastinate or put off appointments…..

While Dempsey scaled jumping castles, I sat down on one of the scratchy hay bales, watching her, reflecting on everything I was surrounded by....especially the lady in the floral scarf.

And I think grief, or loss or challenges have a way of prompting us to contemplate life more, to dissect it and question our destiny…along with seeing the richness in moments, the intense color in life…..like the vibrant orange pumpkins that were spread around that Pumpkin Patch!

We learn through our experiences, that, to a certain degree we can carve out our destiny…like Demps and I will carefully carve out the pumpkin we purchased last Sunday.

We put things off, we delay them…….”Tomorrow I’ll clean out my closet!”

                                                             “Tomorrow I’ll call that friend back!”

                                                             “Tomorrow we’ll carve out that pumpkin!”

                                                             “Tomorrow I’ll make that doctor appointment!”

But what if tomorrow never comes?

Or tomorrow, life changes…in an instant?

Since Sunday, not just at the Pumpkin Patch….but everywhere, it seems I’ve stumbled across scary and sad reminders of Cancer and how it affects so many lives.....on the internet, through social networking sites, through stories, and a lovely lady in Australia who’s fighting the fight….even today, a publisher has asked if I’ll review a book about Cancer in families. And when these coincidences occur, I sit up and take notice…it’s prompted me to act.

So yesterday I picked up the phone and booked a Doctors appointment for a few weeks time in Australia. I’ve organized to have a breast MRI done. It seems I'm in a high risk category and therefore am eligible for a rebate for the costly procedure. I feel fortunate to be able to have this done, and know my mum would be pleased I've booked in.   And I don’t think I would’ve taken that step without all the little red flags…or, orange ones!

And speaking of orange…Dempsey chose the biggest pumpkin she could carry…I asked her what face we’d carve into it this year. I suggested the words HAPPY instead of something scary. And I had to smile at her answer…..“But we can do something scary Mummy, sometimes scary is good!”

And I had to agree, “Yes Precious, sometimes scary is good….”

Thinking of all the amazing women around the world who are bravely fighting a breast cancer battle.... their families and the lives they've touched x

What's in a birthday?

2011-10-12T19:59:00.000-07:00

"For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn

Blessed
Sharing
Special
Fun
Wonderful
Wishes
Happy
Love
Lucky
Beauty

The above words are some of the ones printed on my birthday cards last week. I had a fabulous, blessed birthday, how lucky I am!

But I do hate birthdays…well mine anyway. And it’s not the growing older bit. It’s that I can’t share it with some special people anymore, and I know that’s a common by product of grief, like the empty envelopes from my birthday cards that are scattered around the house.

I do struggle on special days…it’s like on one shoulder I have a Negative Nancy, feeling sorry for myself and crying…..and on the other, Positive Polly, who sees how very very fortunate I am to even get to celebrate another birthday….they usually duke it out, Nancy and Polly …but Polly always wins, in the end. I think my Mum taught Polly how to box…..

On my birthday it rained non stop all day.

I sat rugged up, doing university assignments, while above me our roof sprung a leak…dripping drops of water on my head. And as I placed saucepans and dirty tea towels under the mess, I had to smile, it was like Mum was sprinkling the water on me, to wake me up and remind me to ‘Be Happy Darling!”

I did get spoilt. Peter bought me these magnificent blue topaz earrings which I’ve been eyeing off for 2 years now!

And flowers from my friend Trishie in Australia…they came with a box of delicious chocolates and a teddy bear attached…with a bright green bow, which of course Dempsey claimed!

I got phone calls and emails, texts, facebook messages and love…..from all corners of the globe….it brightened my day, even though outside was grey and gloomy, and, wet!

On Friday night, around our Back T, (our infamous table), my friends gathered, they came bearing gifts and smiles and hugs…my friend Mary made me a gooey chocolate cake and lit it up with so many candles we almost needed the fire brigade.(good thing one we had a fireman handy) :)

And as I looked around the table, really looked, at all my friends faces and the love and joy that was in the air, I felt so blessed, like the words on my cards –

Blessed – to have great friends

Sharing – thankful to be sharing my birthday with those that are here…right now

Special – how my friends made me feel

Fun – I had lots of it…thanks in part to the champagne my friend Ammar brought! :)

Wonderful – the memories, I got to create

Wishes – wishes that do come true, even if not all of them are possible

Happy – to be alive and enjoy these special moments

Love – overwhelming love, for Dempsey who was shining as brightly as the candles on my cake

Lucky – to have such richness in my life

Beauty – to see that amid all the gloom and doom sometimes, there is so much beauty in the world in the simple things in life

Yes, on my birthday, with the help of Demps, I did manage to blow out all the candles on my cake. I know I can’t blow out the bad stuff that happens or has happened.....however, I can look forward and remember all those words on my cards....and the more meaningful ones my friends had taken the time to write INSIDE the cards…

I've learnt, that unlike a wrapped present...where it's what on the outside thats important, the fancy wrapping with ribbons and sparkly paper…in life and on special days....it's whats on the inside that counts….that helps you survive the hard days and move forward to the next with hope.

I also learned, even though Savannah wasn’t here to throw her arms around me....and my Mum didn’t gush down the phone line "Happy Birthday Precious" ........or that Tarnia’s card wasn’t waiting in my letterbox….life is full of special moments if you look for them.

Or that sometimes, you get by with a little help from your friends….

You can’t underestimate the power of a hug…or a smile....or the simple joy a bunch of brightly lit candles can bring on your birthday….Happy Birthday to Me! :) x

Drawing on the beauty of Fall and the changes it can bring within.....

2011-10-04T16:19:00.000-07:00

I’ve been busy this past week, snowed under with University assignments. And while I’ve been chained to my keyboard inside, it seems outside, our Summer has melted and Fall has tiptoed into our neighborhood.

And I’ve found, like grief….any change in season prompts a shift inside me. It triggers old memories and stirs up a desire to change, like the trees in our surrounding streets will in the coming days.

Their leaves will darken in color, some will transform into a deep red and then gently drop from their branches and drift to the ground. This magical transformation that Mother Nature somehow programs deeply in the roots of the tree, awakens my spirit and prompts me to shake away any of my negative ‘stuff’….to shed the sadness and indulge in Natures palette and the beauty and mystery this time of year brings.

Like these photos I took of our neighborhood on the cusp of the seasonal change. The days are getting shorter and the air crisper, but not cold, especially now as I run in the mornings.

This fog in our street reminded me of the ever present haze of grief that lingers in my life. However, the sunrise in the background managed to remind me that the fog does clear and gift us with sunshine, even if on some days, it shines only for a little while.

And the glistening dew on our front lawn, like tiny diamonds sparkling on the blades of grass…..there to remind me I’m sure that life is truly spectacular and delicate and precious and worth living for….this abundant beauty that glistens in the simple things that sometimes we need to stop and notice.

In this photo, I tried to capture the peace I felt…..it’s like Heaven has stretched its arms down to Earth to envelop me in a hug…..through the trees in my neighborhood.

It fills me with wonder and whispers that there is a magical place somewhere. It’s a living reminder right there in front of me to draw upon when I need confirmation that my sister and mum and Savannah are somewhere special and majestic.

And then there’s my walking talking reminder…Demps!

We took her to our local Harvest Festival on Sunday. A fair that celebrates the change of seasons too…the reaping of rewards a harvest brings this time of year. My reward was to watch Dempsey zoom around on a rollercoaster, arms in the air, smiling…high on life…rejoicing in an afternoon of Fall sunshine.

Yes, Fall is crammed full of Heaven and subtle reminders of change…..if you look for them…..whether you see it in the billowing cumulus clouds, or feel it in crisp mornings, or a pair of fluffy socks that you dust off from last years winter to warm your feet with. Or the comfort you take in making thick steaming soup like I do.

Grief is in all seasons every single year.....I hope this Fall to harvest the good things out of life….to make meaningful changes and positive choices, to laugh louder and to love deeper.

Grief will always be deep rooted inside me…ingrained like the trees are to drop their leaves around this time of year. However, my gift of grief has taught me to notice the beauty in the world that surrounds me….its there for the taking, daring me to live life to the fullest and appreciate the little things…..in order to survive and grow in the coming seasons.

The amount of sunshine that will fill my blue cup this Fall lies deeply seeded within, the same as my grief. But for me, it’s all about choice and chance and change….

Around the world, not everywhere is experiencing the season of Fall or the same changes that grief brings into your life....so I wish you sunshine and strength wherever you are and whatever season or challenge you might be facing on your journey…….

My sister Tarnia's anniversary...grief and time and how it feels...to me

2011-09-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

Today is the anniversary of my only sister Tarnia’s death. A day when my family’s lives changed forever. In a split second, we were irrevocably altered.

Today, I can’t help think of all Tarnia has missed out on. How much of her love her children have missed out on. And how many nights her husband Tone has wished she was here.

My sister Tarnia and Mum

Grief over time changes, it has to.

Time does change the emotional feelings grief creates, from one of intensity when you first lose someone, to an ache, a sadness and a longing.

However, on anniversaries like today, you are catapulted back in time to all the horrors of that day, when you thought you’d never survive the emotions….but you do.

And if I had to describe my grief back then, in a way someone could understand, through the senses, I would say….

You SEE grief as black

You SMELL grief as acrid

You FEEL grief like cutting

You HEAR grief as silence

You TASTE grief as salty

On the weekend while browsing the stores, I came across this magnificent hourglass. I decided to buy it. It reminds me that life is but a bunch of fleeting moments, like the fine grains of sand that trickle from one bulb to the other….representing the fact that we are all in between our past and our future. And that we can grow from our experience, even if it IS grief….as to be the case with me.

The hour glass also symbolizes to be mindful of time…it awakens my consciousness to the fact that life goes on.

As it has since Tarnia has died. I’ve had the privilege of watching Tone pick up the broken pieces of his life since this day eleven years ago….and step up and raise their children….who are all happy and healthy!

The kids with Savannah....four months after the accident

I’ve thought today how her kids were just babe’s when they lost their mother. And how time has marched forward.......

Tone and the kids, Dempsey and me last Christmas.....

Alexander, who was only 8 at the time, is now in his first year at University…with a scholarship I might add! :)

Fraser, her 5 year old who was such a mummy’s boy has a few years left of high school…and three jobs…and a pretty girlfriend.

And then there’s the twins, Emerald and Charlotte, who were only 6 months and never knew their mum. They are blossoming! Two beautiful girls who have each other…which makes me wonder if this is why Tarnia was blessed with twins…they will always have each other!

How proud, how absolutely beaming she would be with her family that she left behind. I can almost hear her nudging me, and talking through a half laugh as she did..bragging about her babies. But she’s not here…so I do that now.

In her children, I feel a small part of what I lost losing Savannah has been patched back into my heart. I love them like my own.

So today, on her anniversary, grief has wrapped itself around my day.....it’s slowed it down and sharpened my senses. And if I had to describe what my grief feels like today, what it’s taught me…through watching her children grow the past 11 years..through my senses I’d say;

I SEE grief as a flame

I SMELL grief as apple pie

I FEEL grief as a hug

I HEAR grief as the kids laughter

I TASTE grief as chocolate

Tarnia’s death has left a huge void in our lives. But it’s also taught us courage, growth and gratitude for so many things. Today I noticed her children’s facebook pages, they haven’t forgotten either…and its clear they miss her too.

Alexander her oldest, who is the most like her in personality…private…has simply written "11". Fraser, who is a bit like me wrote “Eleven years has gone by and this has been the worst year yet.” My heart will always ache for them.

We will always be trapped by our memories, like the sand in my hourglass and our memories from that day eleven years ago…however, like the hour glass….you can choose to turn it upside down and start again….start tomorrow with my happy memories of her...and a promise I made, when I saw her last…to live life to the fullest and love her kids….because she can’t.

Today, I know two things...I will always miss my big sister...and tomorrow, will always be a new day…….

Serendipity.....

2011-09-13T14:03:00.000-07:00

Serendipity…..love this word!

It almost has a magic quality about it. Magic like fate can be and what it occasionally puts in your path…making sure you trip over it, that you notice and that you do something with the message it can bring.

The mystery of serendipity can guide you, or inspire you and I like to believe it’s a valuable lesson, a sign post along the way..…as was the case with me on Sunday.

If you recall, back at the end of July, we went to the San Diego Safari Park. We stayed in a hotel overnight....this is where I encountered serendipity…at breakfast!

I was pouring my coffee when I noticed the girl standing next to me was having trouble with the toaster that was broken. I told her “Oh, you have to hold that toaster down. If you wait a sec, I’ll be finished with this one.” And when she spoke I realized she was Australian….”Oh, you’re an Aussie, whereabouts in Australia are you from? What are you doing in the USA?” I asked.

She replied with, “Oh I’m here playing tennis.”

“Well you must be pretty good if you are here playing tennis all the way from Australia.” I told her.

And with a smile and a pause, she added, “Um, yes, pretty good I guess.”

We chatted over the breakfast bar for a bit and then I went back and joined Peter and Dempsey who were eating their vegemite toast. She sat opposite me at another table and occasionally smiled our way. When she got up to leave I wished her luck with her tennis and she thanked me. Peter commented that she looked familiar……

When we got home that afternoon, I was curious. So using trusty Google, I typed in Australian tennis to see if I could see who she was. And as the faces of the women’s tennis players came up, I recognized her….it was Sam Stouser. Only the highest ranked player in Australia….I smiled to myself, thinking what an idiot I must’ve sounded to her, not knowing who she was….also, how humble she was as an athlete not to blow her own horn.

On Sunday, a few friends texted and emailed, making fun of me, telling me to turn the TV on, that Sam Stouser was in the USA Women’s Final against Serena Williams. I had to laugh!

So I put my feet up on our couch and watched her, this stranger that I met over a toaster, spin her magic and beat Serena Williams. I listened to her victory speech with goosebumps as she said it was her dream to win a Grand Slam since she was a little girl of 10. And I learnt that she had to overcome some challenges and obstacles in her life….but she didn’t give up. And now, here she is, a champion!

So the whole experience of meeting her and not knowing who she was and then watching her live out her dream inspires me to do better and chase my dream.

Sometimes, we find motivation or inspiration in the strangest places…even over blueberry bagels cooking! :) Was it fate that I met her that morning, a coincidence? I do wonder about destiny and people who touch our lives, even in a fleeting moment…….

We aren’t in charge of our own fate, but to a certain degree we can change our destiny through choices we make or through people we meet who motivate us…..like she has done for me this weekend.

So thank you Sam Stouser for proudly winning for Australia and for arousing my enthusiasm to follow my dream….to finish writing my book and to one day become a speaker to help others with their challenges.

She proved that you can kick away the obstacles and create opportunities with passion and determination…that anything is possible…...and that the magic of serendipity that life sometimes spins can be a powerful tool to believe……

Remembering 9.11

2011-09-09T11:42:00.000-07:00

I’m sure everyone remembers what they were doing at the exact moment they learned the World Trade Centre had been hit by planes…and watching in shock as the events of the day panned out, like some horror movie, not the safe world as we knew.

Even though it was 10 years ago, you don’t forget. When something profound happens like that, or you lose a loved one suddenly, it’s ingrained in your being for eternity. Like a brown birthmark or an etching on a bracelet.

You revisit that day. You remember that you had sizzling bacon and eggs for breakfast, or that you chose to wear that new red dress, or, that that day was a beautiful sun filled almost Autumn morning. You don’t forget all those tiny details…and I guess that’s the way we are programmed….to remember the small details, so we don’t forget!

I still vividly recall that morning, September 11, 2001….Peter had enjoyed breakfast sitting in front of a big bulky computer monitor while Savannah sat in her Winnie the Pooh chair watching teletubbies dancing on the T.V. …as she did every morning. She was two years old, and healthy and enchanting and innocent…...it was just like any other morning in our apartment.

Savannah at 2, every morning she sat in her Winnie the Pooh chair

But that morning, I had the privilege of kissing my husband goodbye and knowing that I’d see him later. Over the course of that day, I realized that some people would never get that happy ending after the events of September 11.

Within half an hour of Peter leaving for work, my phone rang, it was Peter, telling me to turn the video off and CNN on! I remember standing in our lounge room with my hand over my mouth at the horrific live feed that was being beamed into our apartment.

I was still in the depths of my grief over my sister being killed only the year before. My emotions still raw and the tears still coming on a daily basis. And after a few hours, as it became clear what had happened as the news teams interviewed confused bystanders, stunned survivors and loved ones who were searching, I turned the TV off. I couldn’t watch anymore. It was too difficult to see and witness so many people living through what I knew was the worst to come……GRIEF.

Now however, ten years later…ten years…. a lot has happened. I couldn’t have imagined back then that in a few years I’d be living that whole horrific GRIEF cycle all over again…. losing my Mum and our daughter Savannah.

But what I have learned, like the people that day that lost so many, their husband's, wive's, brother's and sister's, mother’s and father’s is that you do survive GRIEF. That it can be a catalyst for change. That you discover a passion for life…. and that out of tragedy, compassion is created for our fellow human beings..like the magnificent shrines being created at Ground Zero.

My thoughts this weekend will be with all those that lost loved ones in the towers, the hero firefighters and the people who survived who are an example of the amazing human spirit to overcome.

None of us know what tomorrow will bring, so we must never forget to appreciate today and live! I know on Sunday, in honor of those lost I’ll do something that they can’t, something that I enjoy as a sign of respect.

Even though I don’t know anyone who was in any way related to the events on that tragic day, I feel a bond….a grief bond….with others who I know will be dealing with their memories of that day. In that way, I feel a connection.

Anyone touched by grief has had their own 9.11. Maybe not as tragic, but the feelings are all the same….as are a kinship and a knowing....as the survivors do, that life goes on. Tragedies remind us to be grateful….and while grief embeds itself in your life forever, it can never dull your spirit for living.

On September 11, 2001, lives were changed…..however, the ability to be resilient and be thankful for today and always have hope…..remain shining….as bright as the September sun was that morning……..

As we say in Australia, LEST WE FORGET.........

Happiness is a form of courage - Holbrook Jackson

2011-09-02T16:06:00.000-07:00

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~Robert Brault

Death teaches us about life.

It’s what makes us appreciate and treasure the small moments. It’s sad but true that sometimes, we have to experience something profound to teach us to be grateful and to keep striving to be happy.

This week Dempsey and her little girlfriends, her BFF’s taught me a bit about living in the moment and that being happy is about the simple things. With the start of the new school year brings new lessons to learn, not just for Demps! :)

Pool parties have been shelved for now, soggy swim suits and tinted goggles have been replaced with pencil cases and new rolling backpacks….the smell of chlorine swapped for the waxy smell of crayons. The new school year has finally arrived.

Watching Dempsey rip the plastic off her pristine pink folder, carefully write her name in cursive on her new lunch pail and zip up her backpack with such enthusiasm had me smiling. Just some simple moments that gave me pleasure and reminded me that life is but a fleeting moment….where has the time gone from when she was so tiny, and it was her first day of kindergarten? And now she’s somehow stumbling into fourth grade!

Dempsey's first day of Kindergarten meeting the Principal

Monday morning Mother Nature greeted us with dew on the car windscreen and the late August air noticeably cooler. Dempsey slipped her hand out the car window, waving it in the breeze on the way to school, animated and excited about seeing her best buds after a long Summer lay over……in her new dress!! :)

It was my reward as her mum to immerse myself in the schoolyard swarm of children that were humming like a hive full of bees. And as I stood back and watched one after the other of her friends arrive, squealing and giggling and squeezing each other tight, without a worry in the world except for what clip to wear in their hair….I got a lesson!

To laugh often

To hug my friends deeply

To not take life too seriously

To be appreciative of those I love

To be open to new friends and be there for old ones

That we all build our own happiness in the moments we create…even if its on a patch of asphalt in a school yard

That compliments create smiles (well in kids anyway ;))

And that we can choose never to be too old to learn or be open to bloom, like the buds on the trees around the school...no matter what life throws at us

Yes, the kids reminded me that happiness takes the sadness away….and while grief manages to peel back the layers and leave you exposed sometimes…it also sharpens our senses and strips the unimportant stuff away. It creates a vacuum for sucking up the good stuff and relishing in it.

The first day of school is the only day us parents are allowed to hang around the playground and gush and cry and turn into paparazzi parents!

I lingered as long as I could and watched my baby stand tall and march with her friends into fourth grade. On her way in, she looked back my way, smiled a shy smile as if to say “I’m fine Mummy” and blew me a kiss.

So with a sensory emotional overload I wandered back to my car…I thought about making choices to be happy…like the kids are….and stepping back to notice the big picture instead of getting caught up in the trivial stuff.

I also thought about our angel Savannah….how it would be her first day at Junior High…I let out a big sigh….and smiled….thinking, how she’d be beautiful and beaming and….wanting her Mamma to be happy too…..

The Ripple Effect

2011-08-24T19:09:00.000-07:00

I’m sure everyone wishes they had an ‘Olivander’s’ in their neighborhood. You know, the famous store from Harry Potter…where you can buy a magical wand with supernatural powers…. I know I do. :)

Well, after the past few days I’ve been reminded that ALL of us possess the power within us, like a magic wand, to alter the course of somebody’s day, mood or life. Another way to look at it is ‘the ripple effect.’ And you don’t need an Olivanders store, or money to do it!

Over the weekend, we hit Route 66 and embarked on an adventure to Needles, a tiny town that’s situated on the banks of the Colorado River. On one side is California, the other, Arizona.

The drive wasn’t very scenic! Stark desert bordered either side of the road and I’m sure not much would thrive in the harsh conditions outside our air conditioned car.

When we stepped out of the car at the Marina Park where we’d be staying, I was hit with a rush of hot air….117o to be exact! Wow, was it hot!

Over the next few days we tried to dodge the heat by hitting the river in our friend’s boat. He’d cut the engine upstream and we’d dive off the back of the boat into the crisp cold water of the Colorado.

Dempsey learned to snorkel in the shallows and how to throw a fishing line and ride a jet ski!

I enjoyed sitting on a deck chair, under the sparse shade our pop up provided. Watching the kids paddle and splash in the water….squeezing my toes through the muddy sand as the cool water lapped over my feet. It was like meditation until Dempsey broke the spell with…”I’m bored Mummy!”

With no TV, computer, DSI or technology available I thought about what she could do. Looking around I noticed an abundance of river rocks scattered everywhere. I picked one up and told Demps…”When I was a little girl, Poppie taught me how to skim stones.”

I stood on the waters edge and Frisbee’d the stone across the river. “Plunk” went the rock…dropping straight to the bottom! Of course I sucked at this old fashioned pastime. However, like the ripple effect my rock created when it hit the water, one by one the kids got up and had to have a go. Even Peter joined in, revisiting his childhood….

I sat back on my deck chair smiling…watching shy teenage boys interact with giggly teenage girls and oldies try to beat the youngies….I thought about how our behavior or one thing can have an effect on others…all of a sudden the kids moods changed from hot and bored into excited and animated.

The temperature overnight there only gets down to 90o….so we sat outside enjoying warm beer and watching a magnificent tangerine sun sizzle and sink into the desert. And as the moon lit the sky, a blanket of stars appeared. It was magnificent! And just as if I had a magic wand, a shooting star shot across the carpeted sky. I closed my eyes and made a wish…. :)

We finished the night off with Dempsey and me running fully clothed through the cool sprinklers that fanned water back and forth across the dry grass. My friend Mary stood by watching and smiling…she commented, “Dee, you are crazy…Dempsey will remember that moment forever…”

And today, I was reminded again of the power of the ripple effect. Back in the land of the living and slightly lower temperatures, I spent the morning volunteering at the Let It Be Foundation. A foundation started by a lady, Ruthe Rosen, who lost her 15 year old daughter to cancer. This foundation helps families who are struggling on their journey with a seriously ill child.

As I stood with a wet rag, washing out dusty cash boxes for an upcoming charity event, the Foundation’s Junior Advisory Team sat around a large table and discussed their volunteer program.

I got goose bumps as I listened to them, so passionate about this cause, and how they could recruit other teenagers to help the Foundation.

And as I grabbed my handbag to leave, I couldn’t help myself. I felt I had to comment on these amazing teenagers…how inspirational they are! I told them, if they are the future of America then it appears it will be in good hands. :)

Ruthe interrupted and said, “Oh, everyone, this is Diana, her 4 year old daughter died…why don’t you tell them a bit about Savannah…”

You could’ve heard a pin drop as all eyes spun around to focus on me. My voice was shaky as I told them about Savannah, about how what they are doing makes such a difference to a family’s lives who are dealing with the heartache and hardships looking after a sick child brings. And then I left the room before I burst into tears.

Driving home, tears rolled down my face. Sometimes I get emotional talking to strangers about losing our girl. However, I hope by meeting a mum, another volunteer today, will have a ripple effect on them. I know they certainly had one on me today.

So know next time you smile at a stranger, you may make her day…or put pennies in a box for the homeless…or tell someone they “look great today,”…or run through the sprinklers with your child…the ripple effect and impact can be powerful and have far reaching repercussions….know that YOU, can make a difference!

Ps; and I know the lady at Vons Supermarket, who pushed in front of me certainly affected my ripple today… ;)

Sometimes to be happy, you gotta know sad....

2011-08-16T14:11:00.000-07:00

“You cry a little then you wait for the sun to come out. It always does….” - Maria, from the Sound of Music

The scars of grief can run deep….sometimes, things trigger them, like the movie '7 Pounds' that Peter and I watched Saturday night…. or having old memories bubble back up to the surface with an old friend....it's wishing for something that you know will never come true...or too many late nights, burning the candle at both ends that makes you tired and susceptible to sadness….

However, it’s knowing that the sadness doesn’t last….that the sun will shine again that keeps you putting one foot in front of the other when you feel vulnerable and sad. Its finding coping mechanisms and letting yourself cry that heals the heart.

For the past week or more, I’ve been in a mid summer slump….I have a long list of things that have to be done but can’t seem to get the energy to do any of them. Like the beds in our home that need stripping, and my two university assignments that are due next week, and this blog..…it’s dealing with an over tired 9 year old and her sadness that our Australian friends are gone. Dempsey loved having the kids around the house again, especially one her sister's age.

My friend Vicki and her family arrived back from their 10 day vacation in Cancun. We spent four fun filled days together with them. And when they left Dempsey was heartbroken. She sat outside in almost 100o heat, amongst the chalk drawings Bonnie and Alex and her had created, crying her eyes out…waiting for them to come back.

I finally coaxed her inside and wrapped her up in my arms on my lap. I tried to tell her that she has to be happy she had the time that she did with them, that we’ll see them again… But it pulled at my heart strings, to see her pain. I cried too at my friend leaving, but I know I’ll see her again, and that makes the hurt that little bit less. You have to find positives in every negative I’ve found.

You have to find things that will transform the melancholy moods into an upbeat frame of mind. This week, my weapon against the blues was running. Pounding the pavement in our surrounding streets.

I find exercising, exorcises the demons…it can give you a rush of feel good energy, even when you don’t think you have the energy to do anything. It helps when you do have to battle a case of the doldrums or find peace when having a hard day. Its self preservation, and it works…for me anyway.

My gorgeous friend Vicki gave me this beautiful chunky silver bracelet. I love it! It’s from New Zealand and each emblem represents something special. One of the charms is called a Koru, its spiral shape symbolizes life, growth and peace….it reminded me of the changing journey of grief……

And I find when things get me down and overwhelm me, I find processing my thoughts, and tears….helps me to move forward…knowing that “this too will pass.” I know taking responsibility for things I can control, like my attitude help to overcome the Debbie downer moments when I feel exposed because of grief.

Saturday night, watching the movie 7 Pounds, made me confront some of my sorrow that lies just under the surface. I wished it was my little girl who could’ve been given some miracle cure like the people in the movie. But wishes don’t wash dishes….or strip beds…..or teach my daughter that you have to love your life….hard days and all. That they make the happy days all that more sweeter.

After the movie, before bed, I sat outside, immersed in the magic of the full moon, crying. The movie was sad and made me think about Savannah....however, after my tears dried I felt like I'd been cleansed…..I knew that the next day, I would notice how blue the sky is….and like Maria out of The Sound of Music, I know, you cry a little then you wait for the sun to come out…it always does!

A lesson from Mother Nature....

2011-08-01T16:02:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder about God or our existence? I do. Especially after losing loved ones.

These days, I’m prompted to question more, to think deeper and to appreciate what I have. Grief has taught me that. I’ll always search for the answers…….

On Friday, we took a mini vacation in San Diego. And after visiting some places and reveling in the beauty and splendor of nature, I wondered about the big picture….how we all got here…where are we all going?

If it’s by chance…or evolution….or if there really is more meaning if we scratch the surface?

Nature was my teacher on the weekend, and of course Dempsey, who always reminds me to stay in the moment…that you can find magic in what Mother Nature has gifted us with and to never ever forget to be a kid at heart! :)

We packed the car with an overnight bag and armed with our trusty GPS we headed off to the San Diego Safari Park.

Through the entrance like ants going to a picnic, we followed other families, pushing strollers and hanging on tightly to their littlies hands.

Dempsey wanted to try the Zip line over the park…she wanted to sail through the air on a cable with the animals underneath her. I told her “Precious I don’t think we should attempt fate, knowing our luck, the line will break and we’ll drop into the lions den!” :)

We stopped by the flamingo enclosure, and this is where I started to feel the magic of the animals….. How do they get the pink color on their feathers? And why? Why do they only stand on one leg?

The flamingo is such a beauty….a work of art! (like Dempsey) :) It made me wonder who or what designed this magical creature?

And as I was deep in thought, I realized Peter and Demps had wandered off, following the herd of humans onto the next miraculous attraction.

We entered the petting zoo with a handful of stinky pellets where eagerly awaiting goats followed us around.

They were hardly shy, and you daren’t bend over in front of them….they bordered on being classified stalkers!

But Dempsey loved it! I couldn’t stop smiling as I listened to her infectious giggles at their obsession of her hand.

Down into the shady bowels of the park we went, listening to the comforting sound of man made waterfalls and the distant holler of some exotic birds. We found the safari tram about to depart on a tour of the rolling hills where the bigger wilder animals were.

With a slight breeze in the air, we made ourselves comfortable in anticipation of seeing some magnificent animals roaming the grounds.

“Look Mummy, Look!” Dempsey screamed, pointing at the majestic giraffes!

As the tram pulled up as close as we could get to these freaks of nature, nibbling on the bark of the palm trees, I again relished in the beauty of our world and why, oh why, are some animals like they are?

It’s like someone has taken out a box of crayola’s and designed something exotic and unique.

Admiring these towering tremendous animals, was like a magic spell had been cast on me….it was peaceful and serene, soaking in the beauty of this place.

Dempsey was excited about the gorilla enclosure, even though we saw more of the silver back’s butt than his face!

This tough guy also made me wonder….this so called close relative of ours conjured up some funny thoughts too….like, if we are here via evolution, then I’m glad we’ve evolved with a little less hair!

After trekking from one end of the zoo to the other and witnessing some amazing creatures, we stopped for lunch…..then the enormous elephants, another fascinating beast.......

Gotta love an owl with attitude!! :)

I decided to be a big kid and share the carousel with the little ones….much to Dempsey’s embarrassment! :)

A coincidence that I climbed aboard a hummingbird amongst the huge array of zoo animals on the old fashioned round about??

And as the big old machine whirred and circled Peter, I felt such a level of peace and joy in experiencing a day with a world full of natures gifts….simply in awe!

On the way home Saturday morning, we diverted to Laguna Beach…..the rhythm of the water and the crashing of the waves reminded me life is bigger than us…like a kaleidoscope.

That we are but players in the grand scheme of life….here to enjoy and find our own way on this journey. To evolve ourselves….and find our own meaning. And, to allow nature to be our biggest teacher of what is really important in life…..

Balancing, with one hand on the car, dusting off the sticky sand on our feet, Dempsey, excited, exclaimed, "Look what I found Mummy!"

Outside her door, one last reminder to me, of the mystery of life and the possibility of a higher place or being…a feather! :)

As Peter took on the L.A traffic back to our house, Dempsey played her DSI and I stared out the window, contemplating all I’d seen on our trip……

If earth is like this, magical and majestic…then I wonder, I just wonder about the beauty and mystery of where Savannah is? :)

Turning can into DID!

2011-07-26T16:57:00.000-07:00

The old saying “storm in a tea cup” (or storm in a blue cup) summed up my week.

My anxiousness and speculating on how I would face some challenges last week turned out to be not only unfounded but reminded me life is all about choices and being open to any outcomes…... Mine were more than I could’ve hoped for.

Today, when I sat down at the computer, fingers on keys, ready to write, I unwrapped a candy that I usually munch on while tapping away…..the quote on the wrapper was like a little message from Mum, reminding me that you can do anything or conquer any adversity you put your mind to. (one of her favorite quotes)

Friday, our precious baby girl turned 9!

Dempsey's birthday party

At 7am she rushed into our bedroom to find the bed covered in gifts…I soaked up every single second of watching her rip open her brightly wrapped presents.

And I know birthdays aren’t about material things, but they are if you’re 9! :)

I saved a few quiet moments to reminisce on what was going on in our lives when she was born and on her first birthday….Savannah was still alive, but very ill, and the challenges we faced back then were massive compared to those I face today….but they’re all relative I’ve learned.

Dempsey's 1st birthday with Savannah's bed and medical pump in the photo....how things are different now

It’s hard to believe all that’s happened to our family since Dempsey graced our life… …who’s missing now.

It made me contemplate how far we’ve come on this journey and how IT and Dempsey has taught me every day should be cherished and never taken for granted.

Dempsey even got her first bunch of flowers delivered.....

So many people sent messages for our Demps, I felt such an overwhelming sense of love and support that I couldn’t possibly even try to put it into words. The time people took to send her a message made me lose sleep…but in a good way.

And then of course my friend Vicki arrived… We haven’t hung out since we were essentially 16 years old. And as the doorbell chimed I raced to answer it, nervous and excited all rolled into one big emotional “HI VICK!”

Vicki was beaming…with a huge smile and open arms and a hug that almost broke a rib!

Over her shoulder I spotted Bonnie..her 12 year old daughter, wow, she is breath taking.

I hugged her too…..for just a bit longer than I should’ve and I was....OK. I was ok about getting to know her and accepting that I'll never know about Savannah, but maybe I'll have the honor of learning from Bonnie. Even Vicki's hubby Michael and son Alex embraced me...it was a first for all of us.

For the next few hours, Dempsey bonded with Vicki’s kids, taking it in turns to swing the hula hoop and teaching them how to jump noisily on her pogo stick.

We talked non stop over chilled champagne about the missing years, we laughed with mouthfuls of pizza about growing up - about;

- Converting her lounge room into the 1980 Moscow Olympic stadium and pretending to be Nadia Comaneci….

- Picking out our first bra, which were padded of course!

- Waiting to see who would get their period first, which for some weird reason we name “Fred”

- Going on 3 day shopping trips to the big city with my mum

- Who were the hot boys in high school….and where they are now, and, which ones aren’t bald ;)

- How my mum loved her like a daughter

- And sleep over’s in tents in sheep paddocks and staying up until the sun came up

- And Tarnia.....

- We even talked with tears about Savannah.....

The whole night fed my spirit, to remember with someone who knew my family when I was growing up. It nourished my soul...and, put a few more laugh lines around our eyes. :)

We tried to get a photo of just the two of us as the kids kicked up leaves and sprinted around our yard playing tag behind us...

Each shot had one of the kids in the background..what a challenge, but a funny one….we laughed until our sides hurt.

And my other worry…Dempsey’s sleep over…well that went perfectly.

She was one of the last kids awake! (just like her mother :))

When I phoned her at 9.30 pm, I could hear the happiness in her voice…. “We’re watching an American Girl movie, and I’m staying up for the midnight snack Mummy!” She said. And she did, and loved it….she like me, overcoming a new experience on her little journey through life….

I like to think this could be Savannah instead of Bonnie standing gorgeously beside Demps....and I love the message on Bonnie's shirt.

I also know, I can successfully tick off two more challenges I’ve faced on my journey..... And proudly say, this week, “I turned CAN do into can DID!"

It's all part of the process..... :)

Growing through grief and a sleep over!

2011-07-20T16:42:00.000-07:00

Anxiety -1. Distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune

- 2. Earnest but tense desire; eagerness

Both the above definitions of anxiety describe my feelings this week about upcoming events. I'm eager and excited however also uneasy of the unknown the next few days will bring.

After experiencing my grief, or complicated grief, the feeling is legitimate. I’m not a robot that I can program by punching a few buttons to stop the adrenaline from pumping through my veins.....even though I wish I had a metal heart some days....

There are two reasons why this anxiety has reared its ugly head this week;

1. Dempsey has been invited to her first sleepover at her BFF’s house this Sunday – and of course I have this neurotic feeling of something happening to her…or that she’ll miss me and want to come home at some ungodly hour.(which I doubt) :)

My rampant imagination of ‘worst case scenarios’ has been churning over and over. The sense that I won't be in control of her fate to a certain degree. But I’m sure she’ll be safe and enjoy sitting up late, giggling with her pajama clad BFF until all hours…it’s her mother that won’t be get any sleep I’m sure! :)

2. We have visitors arriving from Australia tomorrow, which I’m soooo excited about. My BFF from high school, her husband and two children should be here by mid afternoon. I haven't seen her in over thirteen years.....

But you see her daughter is the same age as Savannah, 12! And even though I’m thrilled and eager to meet her daughter, I’m terrified of how I’ll react…whether I’ll burst into tears and embarrass us all, or get to know her to a point of wanting to keep her….or finding out just how unfair it really is that I don’t have my 12 year old with me. I also know I’ll enjoy imagining…..just for a little while…….

One thing I do know is when these feelings hit I go into survival mode. I find coping mechanisms. I do whatever I need to do…and one of those things is D I S T R A C T I O N!!

So Sunday morning, feeling suffocated, I suggested to Peter we journey out for the day to the luxurious South Coast Plaza.

The stores are all high end, extremely up market…like ones that you’d see on Rodeo Drive…and nothing resembling anything in our neighborhood. So it was quite a diversion for the day.

Dempsey and I stood with our noses squashed up to the glass of the famous French jeweler Cartier…and fantasized which diamond sparkled the most….while Peter sat on a nearby bench like a pimp, not showing the slightest bit of interest in purchasing me a diamond! :)

love love love this crystal chandelier...at a mere $8,000 PD said, um "No Dee!" :)

We perused the many home ware stores, with Dempsey whining the whole time with a poker face….”When are we going to the kids stores Mummy? This is soooo boring looking at these lights!”

On level two Dempsey spied this huge bunch of colorful balloons for sale. They provoked a loud “Wow! Look!” from both Dempsey and me…..talk about coloring your world with a smile!

We stopped for lunch at the famous Rainforest Café, where the life like jungle animals spring to life every five minutes. The elephants raise their trunks and trumpet at the diner’s. And the gorillas pound their chests and scream “Ooo ooo ooo, aaa aaa aaa”….managing to distract my thoughts and ferry me away to a jungle somewhere in South America…all while devouring a delicious juicy hamburger!

After a couple of hours of suspending my stresses, we’d had enough of looking at stores we can only dream about…it was time to head home. We made one last stop at the toy store…which Dempsey sprinted into.

And there inside a glass cabinet I found some old fashioned toys…this robot in particular! I had one just like him when I was a little girl. And it was like there in front of me was a subtle reminder of what I’d been trying to escape…he made me smile!

As I stood looking at this happy piece of metal it hit me that I can’t run away anywhere to avoid these anxious feelings...I have to tackle them head on. They'll still be there when I’m alone.

But the little robot reminded me that like him, I can function on my own and will. That by challenging myself to face my fears, growth and strength is generated. And that growth will empower me to face and work through any future anxieties my grief creates.

Friday is Dempsey’s birthday which will fill my anxious cup with sunshine….and tomorrow, I’ll hug Vicki’s daughter Bonnie, pop the cork on a bottle of bubbly and let loose my anxieties. I’ll reminisce and laugh over some old memories with Vicki.

And on Sunday, Dempsey will create some new memories through the exciting new experience of a sleep over. But I’ll still miss my good-night kiss! I wonder if her BFF’s mum will mind if I call around bedtime……:)

Timely reminders to enjoy the little moments....

2011-07-12T12:39:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, it was another sweltering day in Southern California. We were invited to a friend’s house for a swim.

Dempsey is like a little mermaid, she adores the water, splashing and duck diving and pestering everyone around to "Get in!"

We sat in the shade of the cabana and sipped cold beers and devoured a hot hawaiian pizza. And while enjoying a lazy afternoon, one of my friends pointed out a bird’s nest hanging from a light under the cabana.

The mother bird inside the nest....

We watched in fascination as the mother bird fluttered in above us and dropped morsels of food into the tiny squawking beaks of her babies.

And it reminded me of the cycle of life.

How, like a mother bird, we nurture and protect and nourish our young. Through guidance and support we help our young ones grow. We try to foster them into little people who hopefully, when the time comes, and they are old enough to fly away from our nest, they’ll have the tools to cope with life’s challenges.

As a mother, or a parent, that is my sole aim, my purpose in this life….and I realized we are no different than that mother bird, feathers or not! :)

It doesn't seem that long ago that I was spooning mashed veggies into Dempsey's mouth...

And this week I’ve been reminded by a few occurrences that time is rushing by…the kids are growing up, and getting older. I wish I could pause this lovely time in my life. But I can’t. There is no stopping the clock.

My sister's 4 beautiful children, Alexander, Fraser, Emerald and Charlotte

Tone’s sister Katie sent me some photos of my sister's four children taken on the weekend. I cried as I studied this gorgeous picture! They all look so much older, happy and so grown up…..in just the seven months since I’ve seen them!

Time is marching forward and when I saw the photos it was a brutal reminder of that…also, of the many special moments my sister Tarnia has missed out on in their lives.

It doesn’t seem so long ago and they were only babes…..where has that time gone?

Dempsey at 18 months :)

And it feels like yesterday that Dempsey had a fascination with toilets, how, with a dummy stuck in her mouth, she’d shove toys down our toilet bowl if you left the door open…happy memories!

Yes, time is flying. And in less than two weeks she’ll turn 9! I can’t believe I’ll have a 9 year old!

Demps at Party City

On Saturday, I had the privilege of watching her choose goodies for her upcoming party. And I had to laugh, and cringe as she grabbed a string of green beads with a ‘Sweet 16’ emblem and placed it around her neck. “I can’t wait to buy this mummy!” She said! Well, I can. :)

I’m in no rush…..yes, the past few days have reminded me to savor the little moments with my daughter, and take lots of mental pictures.

Life isn’t about material things. It's about enjoying and noticing the little moments, and creating memories…

Like having Dempsey dripping wet from swimming, wrapped up in a warm towel on my lap, smelling like a summer day.....

Or watching the wonder on her face as she noisily jumps up and down on her pogo stick, trying to break her record….

It's silently standing by, seeing her engrossed in the pages of a book, on the floor of Barnes and Noble

Or simply being aware of the wonder on her face and the quietness in her being as I read her a story on the couch at the end of the day.

Last night, as another summer day was drawing to an end, I watched Dempsey in our backyard, smiling, swinging her hips as she finally mastered the hula hoop.

I got goose bumps as I watched in awe...smiling to myself as the hoop went around and around…like the cycle of life.

And while I've had reminders this week that you can't stop time...maybe, just maybe.......the best is yet to come…….

.

Comfort in constants on Savannah's birthday

2011-07-05T10:44:00.000-07:00

After this week, life again reminded me that underneath the pain, and the dark black cloud there is always a silver lining….a beauty, and a hope that will always shine through and dim the dark moments of a difficult day.

I learnt that my friends and family are a constant…a constant stream of love and support. And on Savannah’s birthday, even though I was so sad, my family and friends propped me up…like a steel girder does when it supports a building that needs extra help.

Through many special moments on Wednesday and Thursday, along with my tears about Savannah’s special day, each one of them gently helped stick an invisible band aid over my heart. And I realized they are a constant…..they always have been. I haven’t scared them off with all the tragedy in our family….they’re not going anywhere. And I love them for that! They’ll always be a constant in my life…. like the sun that rises and sets every day.

Wednesday was Savannah’s birthday in Australia, and while driving to pick up Dempsey from Summer Camp I noticed this cloud in the sky! I couldn’t believe what I was seeing…the fluffy white clouds had formed what looked like an Angel floating in front of me. I grabbed my iPhone and snapped the photo….I like to believe it was a sign from Savannah! :)

Thursday morning, my neighbor Renee rang my doorbell with a beautiful gift for Savannah’s shelf. Looking like a fashion model in her charcoal suit and black stilettos, wafting in freshness, she opened her arms to me for my first hug. (PD had left for the day and as usual he didn’t acknowledge Savannah’s birthday....I’m ok with that now). And as I explained to Renee how much her hug meant, it was like the heavens opened and I couldn’t stop sobbing. I almost needed a paper bag to breathe into..…but she was a constant….and didn’t stop squeezing me until I let go.

Renee's beautiful gift for Savannah

And like a constant, thoughtful messages and texts started to roll in for our Angel. While they made me cry, they also brought me so much comfort.

Mat, Neen, Emily and Jessie's flowers from Australia for Savannah....

A special family in Australia sent her a bunch of pink roses, surrounded by my favorite…white lilies. They send them every year on her birthday. Their thoughts, beautiful! The perfume each time I enter our family room is overwhelming…like their love and support…A constant.

Savannah’s balloons are tradition now, so Dempsey and I drove to Von’s Supermarket where Demps chose one of each color for her sister. And I should’ve known in the stifling heat that it’s impossible to get 12 balloons into a car without losing at least one!

“Sit in your seat Demps so I can get the balloons through the headrest.” I told her.

And like one of those comedy sketches, (that I can laugh about now), as I was trying to shove 12 helium, balloons into the back of a small SUV..and as 4 went in, 3 escaped, bobbing and trying to fly off…2 more in, 3 out…it was a battle I was determined to win. And in one of those weird, amusing, crazy moments, the bloody silver balloon popped! Right smack bang in the middle of Dempsey’s dimpled cheek!

Her crying was instant and loud…and it must’ve hurt as its left a huge welt on the side of her cheek. I put the absurdity of the moment....the funny side of it all in the back of my mind to laugh about later…and comforted Demps who had tears rolling down her face.

When we got home, with a sharpie in her hand, Demps happily drew an animal according to color on each balloon for her sister.

Dempsey's favorite......a blue otter. :)

Then in 105 degree heat we let them go into the hot heavens above and watched them until they were a bunch of tiny dots on the horizon….constant and beautiful and magical as the wind blew them along and up to Savannah.

Ten minutes later was Dempsey’s piano lesson. And as I sat at the lights to enter the freeway, Dempsey asked from the back seat. “What do you even think Heaven is even like Mummy?”

“Well, I think there’s sunshine everyday....and blue skies....and it’s a place where there is no pain and everyone is happy!” I told her. And as I turned the volume back up on the radio….drum roll…Savannah’s song was playing..’Landslide!’ Dempsey was more excited than me….”I think that’s Savannah telling us she got our balloons Mummy!” :)

Hearing Savannah’s song, was like a message from our angel…I was so shocked and…….happy. I dialed Peter and held my cell phone up to the speakers….”Listen PD, Listen!” I yelled with a smile! It made my day…and even if you don’t believe it, I do. I trust Savannah was sending us a message on her birthday. To believe. Which is another constant in my life!

Dempsey's home made gift for her sister.

After dinner, Dempsey handed me her gift for Savannah’s shelf. “It’s a pocket rainbow Mummy!” When I asked her what it does, she said, “You carry it around in your pocket so you have rainbows everyday! And like a constant Dempsey managed to remind me that these sad days don’t last…they come and go like the constant ebb and flow of the ocean.

I am lucky to have life preservers in my family and friends who keep me afloat on these difficult days…that will always be a constant…like the magical pink sunset I was privileged to watch on Savannah’s birthday, slowly sink into the horizon. Offering me up another tomorrow. Which is always a new day, filled with joys and sadness, hopes and constants that, because of Savannah...I am always reminded how fortunate I am........

From Dempsey...

Happy Birthday Bubby x

Anticipating our angels birthday....

2011-06-27T19:58:00.000-07:00

In a few days time it will be Savannah’s twelfth birthday. The feelings this week aren’t foreign to me now. The wishing she was here….the sadness that comes and goes and the flash backs to when she was here. And it’s like for the next few days I have to go to that place where I don’t want to go. Like the dentist to get a tooth ripped out, or to get a painful injection. I can’t avoid it or put it off or just cancel it out with a phone call.

I’m aware I should be celebrating Savannah’s birth and how through her death I have found new meaning in the world…how, because of her existence, she has morphed me into a better person. But the reality is my stomach churns at the thought of Thursday. No matter how hard I try to alter the ‘what is’ and the ‘if onlys’ in my head. And that’s the reality.

Me and my God Mother Jan..one of Mum's best friends, in Australia

On Saturday a card arrived for us from my God Mother in Australia, Jan. Inside the card she’s written... “Thinking of you on Savannah’s birthday. Many others whose lives she touched will be thinking of her also.”

Jan’s words weighed heavily on me….these ones in particular…” lives she touched and thinking of her.” And apart from thinking how special it was of Jan not to just write “thinking of you” I considered exactly what those words meant…..

I thought how every year those who knew Savannah always call, or email, or text or do something in her honor….just as if she was alive. And that gives me comfort….to know she’s made an impact on my friends and family. That maybe, she’s shaped their lives in a positive no matter how small, tangible way.

I think her time both here and in heaven has taught them how fragile life can be….like a broken heart…. and how important life and love is and stuff money can't buy! How to take nothing for granted......and, how our children are gifts to be treasured and nurtured and loved…for they can be taken away in a second! I had to learn that the hard way.

Our last lot of visitors left on Saturday. So I feel I’ve had a small hiatus from my usual obsessive sad thoughts about Savannah’s upcoming birthday. Like I’ve had my pause button hit for the past few weeks. But yesterday the clock started ticking again.

And I rang my Dad to tell him about Jan’s card….his advice; “What I do is just not think of it…or try not to anyway because it’s just too sad.” I wish I had my Dad’s resilience. But I don’t. I just can’t shut it out.

Demps writing on her sister's balloons on Savannah's 7th birthday. It's tradition now...

Dempsey too reminded me this morning that it’ll be Savannah’s birthday in a few days, and she added; “We have to get twelve balloons this year to let go to heaven for Savannah Mummy!” And I did wonder how we’ll get 12 helium balloons home in 100 degree heat in the back of my car without some of them popping? Dempsey can’t wait…..but I can.

I know in the next few days I’ll go into a bit of a fragile state…..but I’m ready for it these days. I just have to let go and work through the hard bits. And I know Friday will be ‘just another day.’ But until then, I’ll think of my God Mother’s card, and her words, and how lucky I am to have family and friends that will always remember Savannah….that she was here and that she made an impact in her time on this beautiful earth.

I know I’ll survive her birthday as I do every year. I’ll find the strength inside BECAUSE of the support I have around me. And those family and friends will never understand just how much I love them for that.

Savannah's 3rd birthday....the last one when she was well enough to enjoy it

But I’d still rather be shopping off a list, for a beautiful twelve year old blue eyed girl….maybe I’d be buying her first bra….or a Justin Bieber shirt…a pretty handbag or some make up. Instead I’ll buy her a card, as I always do, and write in it as if she was here….and put it with the pile from previous birthdays, that seems to be getting bigger….like she would be if she were here........

A dream come true!

2011-06-21T13:35:00.000-07:00

"If you can dream it, you can do it. Always remember that this whole thing was started with a dream and a mouse." - Walt Disney

Inside our letterbox on Saturday, wrapped in a plain white envelope, was one of my dreams come true…..I ripped open the cardboard…..and out fell a book!

The book is from The Open to Hope Foundation. A foundation established by Dr. Gloria Horsley, PhD, MFC, RN, and Dr. Heidi Horsley, PsyD, LMSW. Both are bereavement specialists who started the popular website http://www.opentohope.com/ which has scores of articles, a radio show and many priceless articles from different authors....all who’ve experienced grief and loss and hope. It’s a ‘go to for grieving people” and a site I regularly submit articles to.

When they contacted me about submitting one of my stories I couldn’t really believe I would be privileged to be in the pages of this wonderful resource for others who are desperately searching for hope after losing someone beloved.

I remember when we were told Savannah was going to die…I was panicked, lost, confused and helpless at how uncertain and out of control our life had become. My total belief system in life had been rattled….I wanted to read how a mother survives the loss of a child…how you keep going? How you learn to find meaning in the senselessness of it all? How, after my daughter was no longer here how my world would have any value ever again? I wished for a book just like this one.

Wrapped inside each story is the same theme….HOPE….like a promising hug! From others who have been to that place where I once was….trying to find strength and determination and the courage to go on after being clobbered by grief. To find answers to questions from those that have lived through the heartache and understand..and have survived!

I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would one day be writing to help others survive one of the most profound experience in a person’s life. Or that I’d have my name in a book alongside the likes of Katie Byron, or Mitch Album, or acclaimed Doctor’s…..or simply others dealing with hope. I know I’ll never be the next J. K. Rowling, but this is a start…an encouraging one. :)

This book would be a wonderful gift to someone who has lost a loved one…when flowers don’t seem appropriate, or you don’t know what to say. This book will help them. And for that I am grateful, honored and thrilled to be part of such a fantastic project.

I can’t even begin to describe my excitement as I flipped through the pages and found the article I had contributed. WOW WOW WOW! And people say dreams don’t come true! :)

I wish my mum was alive so I could phone her and scream down the phone line about how excited I am…
However, Saturday afternoon Dempsey again reminded me how truly fortunate I am. Watching me flick through the pages she asked, “Can I read your story Mummy?” I did contemplate for a second if it was appropriate reading for an eight year old….but Dempsey has been on this journey too…..and I don’t sugar coat it. I watched her sit with my book, on our stairs and read my words. I took a mental photo of it to put away in my proud moment memory bank!

And after she’d finished, she looked up at me, smiled and threw her arms around my neck. “That’s a good story Mummy…..can I read some of the other peoples stories later?” “If you want to Precious!” I replied with a smile, feeling sappy and teary eyed.

And with that, Demps handed me back the book and rushed outside to join our visitor’s boys in the Jacuzzi. I joined them too…with my feet up on a chair, reading some inspirational stories that filled my blue cup with sunshine….

I watched Dempsey giggling and splashing in the water and amongst the commotion and ruckus of the kids innocently enjoying ‘life’…..it hit me that Dempsey is a survivor too! And I pondered over what her dreams will be in the future? However, I know amongst the chaos of living and the unpredictable moments we are dealt with…that dreams can and do come true.

I hope one day to have my book published about my journey..about the loss of my sister, mother and Savannah...and I know through this experience, anything is possible! If you can dream it, you can do it…….

Open to Hope: Inspirational Stories of Healing After Loss

P.S; I don't get any financial gain from any sales of this book, however I would like to give a copy away to one of my readers who leaves a comment...I'll get Dempsey to draw the name out of a hat! :)

The book is available on http://www.amazon.com/ at bookstores nationally or through the website www.opentohope.com/book

The drips of grief like a leaking tap!

2011-06-13T16:19:00.000-07:00

The last two weeks our home has been like one of those revolving doors at a posh hotel, that seem to go round and round and round!

We’ve had visitors from Japan and Australia staying with us. And it seems as one zips up their case and lugs it to our door, there is another friend arriving with a fresh case of clothes and hello hugs. It’s been fun……exhausting, but fun to have our house filled with friends. And it’s taken my mind off the fact that it’s only 16 more days until Savannah’s twelfth birthday.

One of our visitors from Oz...Trishie with Savannah...she was like her second Mum.

Demps at 5 with Trishie...


                                        Demps 4 years on in the same spot..Dempsey calls her "Mummy Trishie!"


I’ve had the usual longing for Savannah since our visitors departed, however while they were here it’s been like a respite not to have my thoughts consumed with her upcoming special day.

Dempsey as usual, has lightened my mood and made me thankful. She had her last day of third grade on Thursday. And as I stopped the car at her school, all I seemed to see was 6th graders laughing, dressed in pretty dresses, walking through the school gate under a bunch of billowing green and gold foil balloons. And I thought of our angel Savannah, how it’d be her last day of Elementary school. How she’d be graduating…..

I wondered what sort of dress she would’ve chosen, and how proud I’d be to watch her mark such a massive milestone. And just like that, the drops of grief started dripping like a leaking tap. But not for long as Dempsey’s infectious enthusiasm at finishing her last day…along with straight A’s snapped me back to the present.

After school I took Dempsey and her BFF Marlee to our local outdoor mall and watched them giggle and run through the fountains that shoot out water like magic, in tune with loud music. Sitting on the mall bench, waiting for the other mums, I found myself grinning. Grateful for Demps and her happy spirit! Alive... dancing silly moves, dodging the water, oblivious to any self consciousness....

Yesterday, Peter and I sat anxiously on uncomfortable wooden chairs, amongst rows of other Mums and Dads as we listened to Dempsey perform at her first ever piano recital! She hit every note perfectly……and of course I applauded louder than any other parent in the room! :)

I think after surviving grief your joy is so much more intense…the small moments so much sweeter than before. And at the end of the concert, Dempsey proudly accepted her first certificate from her Russian teacher to say she’s passed level one of piano…..beaming at Peter and I and finishing the day with an eager beaver bow!

Dempsey with her Piano Certificate...and me, proud Mamma! :)

However, yesterday afternoon, high on life after the concert, we headed to a friends birthday party. Sitting at the kitchen table, with a few other mums, the conversation turned to a few deaths that have hit our community. One was the death of a jogger, who left behind two children, the other, a teen suicide. I was heartbroken to hear of these families and what they must be dealing with because of their loss…their pain fresh and intense……

But, as I listened to one of the mums keep saying over and over “How sad!” and “Gee, that’s so tragic” I began to feel weird, the comments hit a nerve. I felt like a freak, and I wondered why they didn’t mention my losses. It was like there was a huge elephant in the room, namely me, the mother of a dead child, who DID have an idea what it felt like for both the mother of the girl and also how the husband and children of the jogger have just had their lives ripped apart!

And the more the girls chatted, the more my destructive self pity seemed to grab hold. I sat there jiggling my leg under the table, wanting to escape. And I kept telling myself to “Stop it Dee!” But I couldn’t, I felt hurt that no-one acknowledged Savannah! And just as I was about to make a run for it, out to the naive men outside around the BBQ, my gorgeous friend Mary must’ve sensed my awkwardness. She smiled at me and said, “It’s Savannah’s birthday in a few weeks isn’t it Dee? June 30 right? I imagine the next few weeks will be hard on you guys.” My eyes started to blink quicker and quicker, to hold my tears… “Yes, it is Mary, thanks for thinking of Savannah.” I said. And there it was – acknowledgement that someone understood that all the chit chat about children and death is still difficult. It always will be. But I appreciated the invisible rope Mary threw me, her compassion…….

And unlike a dripping tap that can fixed, I can’t call a plumber to stop the constant drip of tears or grief that I know are just simmering under the surface in the next few weeks. But I’ll try and stay busy…..and try not to have a pity party, however I know if I do slip, it’s ok. It’s normal. And that’s something I didn’t understand before.

I also know this afternoon we have a fresh family of Aussies about to invade our four walls. I’ll be at the door to welcome them tonight with a smile, knowing that the noise their two boys and Dempsey will deafen us with will sidetrack the drips and the pangs of pain. They’ll be a welcome distraction...they'll help put sunshine in my blue cup…and plug up the drips....for now anyway! :)

"Be happy with what you have." :)

2011-06-01T10:03:00.000-07:00

The old saying “Be Happy with what you have” was my mantra today!

This morning I went to our filing cabinet to find an old email regarding insurance and came across a bulging file labeled “Savannah/IVF”......I wanted to read the emails in that file!  And I knew it might be like ‘curiosity killed the cat’ however, I know when to pick my battles these days…I felt strong enough to open up a piece of my past.

After our daughter Savannah died, Peter and I tried to have another child through IVF pre-genetic diagnosis. So for a few minutes, I stared off into space and imagined what our family dynamic would be like if we had Savannah here with Dempsey and maybeeeee, just another one or two kids?  It wouldn’t be Brady Bunch perfect, but it would be different to my present reality.....the house wouldn’t be as quiet, my saucepans bubbling with more food, and maybe the dinner table a scene of sibling squabbles.

We had 6 attempts at IVF in Australia. And I am grateful for the opportunity. You see through some sheer chance of fate…Peter and I share a faulty gene in our DNA…the same one!   What are the chances of meeting another person with that same faulty gene, of falling in love with them and marrying them and having a one in four chance of producing a child with a deadly disease because of one shitty rogue gene? Well it happened to us. And I’ve given up looking for the answer as to ‘why’…I’ll never know.

One of the many letters I found in the file about 1 IVF attempt.....

Before Savannah died, the pre-genetic testing through IVF wasn’t available anywhere in the world. So we were fortunate to have had Savannah’s DNA tested so the Murdoch Institute in Australia could determine exactly what her DNA chain was made up of....so the IVF lab could create a probe to test our embryos for her terminal disease.

I remember sitting in the geneticists office a few years after she died like it was yesterday…..and being told with such sterility that I gave her this faulty gene, and Peter gave her that faulty gene….and I remember the burning in my throat and my eyes and the pain in my heart at the tragedy and my guilt of it all….how through an instant at conception, Savannah had been doomed because of two faulty genes we’d given her. I felt like a failure as a mother…why Savannah? Why couldn’t she have only 1 faulty gene, like Demps does? But I’ve found it destructive and exhausting to mindlessly go over and over the ‘whys.’ All I know is the ‘what is.’

And for anyone going down the route of IVF, it’s a rollercoaster ride. It’s a foreign way to try to be blessed with a baby. You’re pumped full of drugs and injections and invasive ultrasounds where they stick probes inside you to study how many eggs your ovaries are dripping with……like some alien grape vine. But it’s worth every second of pain and heartache if you are one of the lucky ones!

But for some reason another child wasn’t to be for us….. and there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough, no more tries, no more wishes….just an impossible dream that you have to accept. And decide to be happy with what you have…

So yes, I’m at peace now that we tried to give Dempsey a sibling….however, there is often a twinge of regret and envy when I do see families of 2 or 3 or 4. I know how lucky we are to have Demps…things could be different and I could be grieving the death of both my children. I saw desperate mothers at the IVF clinic with medical files as big as a bible….and still no baby!

At our last IVF attempt, two happy, attractive young scientists entered my cubicle to show me a Polaroid of the two embryos they would implant….they pointed out Savannah's mutations on a graph in my medical file and compared it with the embryo's, which were different. And it hurt me that they saw Savannah as some data on a piece of computer print out. I mulled over and over it for the next hour while waiting in that cubicle. And when it was time to leave I asked the nurse if I could see those same two pretty young scientists….from out of my wallet I handed them a photo of Savannah.

This was the photo I showed the scientists of Savannah

And I told them with tears how she loved books and swimming and honey on her toast...that she had such a happy spirit! I told them in hope that next time they deal with an anxious Mum, as they study the mindless medical DNA, they see a little girl or boy, who was precious, who was on this earth and made a difference in their short time here.

However my reality now is I do have Dempsey, and she is enough. She will always light a spark of gratitude inside me of just how blessed I am.

Love her......

Being alive is full of risks and maybes! However, being happy is connected to learning to cope and accepting life as it is….like a connect the dot drawing in one of Dempsey’s coloring books. To make the best of it!

Yes, “Be happy with what you have” often whispers to me like a long lost friend. However, I can always imagine……as long as I’m content with our little family, just the way we are!

:)
.

Brought to you by the Letter H :)

2011-05-24T13:03:00.000-07:00

Do you ever laugh until you cry….or cry until you laugh? Laughter is the B E S T medicine! I had a weekend, filled with belly aching laughs (no tears) and thanks to friends, I feel as if I’ve had my batteries topped up. Like I’ve been plugged into an electrical outlet and recharged, like my cell phone. I’m happy!

I typed the word “happy” into the online dictionary. This is what it said; “characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind” After the weekend, It’s like the happy train has pulled into my station and there’s an empty seat with my name on it.

So this morning I dissected the past few days so I could pinpoint the watchamacallit, or the thingamajig that’s caused my cheery mood. And after examining my weekend under the microscope, I realized its some simple things like laughter and fun friends that I have access to everyday…that I’ve had access to all along that have managed to fill up my blue cup with sunshine. What a difference a week makes! :)

Happy Hour around our back 'T' last Friday

Friday night, our regular get together was an unusually big one. We had loads of visitors around our back table…mostly people from Peter’s work, but it was multicultural, the seats taken up with visitors from Oz, different corners of the 50 states and some Japanese guests…and it was fun with a capital F!

The boys stood around the BBQ engaging in testosterone fuelled talk, while us girls huddled around our back table and talked about girlie stuff…..like our latest shoe purchases and our favorite cocktails and ‘boys!’ And it was almost as good as a girl’s night out! Compliments were buzzing around the table like mosquitoes on a hot summer night. I haven’t laughed so much in a long time….and it feels great.

My new bright cheery tea towel

My gorgeous friend Steph presented me with this cute colorful tea towel from Anthropologie…love their stuff! “I saw this and thought of you Dee.” Steph said. It’s only a tea towel, but to think Steph must’ve stood in that store, thought of me and decided to purchase this lovely hand sewn bit of cloth, made me feel special! I felt like she’d just given me an original Picasso….and I realized it’s these little things that anyone can pay forward to others, like a sincere compliment, that costs nothing……or an inexpensive gift that can create a ‘happy frame of mind’ for others like my friends did for me over the weekend.

Our friends visiting from Australia packed this in their suitcase for us…Milo…yummo! One of Dempsey and my favorite malted drink. You can sprinkle it on ice-cream or heap it into a cold glass of milk. It’s so Australian it felt like getting a hug from home.

Dempsey enjoyed a ride on the happy train too with a few laps around the block with Daddy on the scooter. She loved the wind in her hair and riding pillion with Peter….I stood waiting patiently for them with a smile on my face.

Demps and I enjoyed a bubble blowing morning…the bubbles reminding me that at any moment our perfect life or bubble can burst….however, its what you do with your time in between if it does happen to pop, or explode as to be the case with my family…. It’s how you can be happy, or find things that make you happy, or do things for others to bring them some sunshine if they need it that makes all the difference. I’ve learned that on my journey.

I’m going to make a conscious effort this week to pay it forward and put sunshine in someone else’s blue cup, whether it be through a compliment, a small gift, a hug or time spent with people I love.

So, all aboard the Happy Train, I’m hoping there’s one leaving your station that will have you barreling down the tracks of life.....through the dark tunnel where there’ll be a beaming bright light at the other end. That through your family or friends you can find an empty seat that’s just perfect for you!

.

"Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop" - Ovid

2011-05-19T14:56:00.000-07:00

To quote Ovid, a great Roman poet born in ancient Rome…

“Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.”

This saying resonated deeply with me this week. We all need a rest if we’ve been through a trying time so we can be our best and enjoy each day we've been given.

When I was growing up, my Dad was a wheat farmer. I watched my father strive to be a wonderful provider for our family. Year in and out he ploughed the land, planting wheat crops. Some years there was drought, or locust plagues and sometimes a bumper crop! If the harvest was a bumper one, Tarnia, Mark and me would line up amongst the light golden brown stalks of wheat before it got stripped, while Mum took our photo….usually with Mark pulling a silly face. :) I can still remember one year where the wheat seemed almost as tall as me.

Dad had an honest and noble occupation. He worked hard, almost 24/7. I remember as a little girl, when he wandered in our laundry door from a day driving the tractor….he’d take off his dusty RM Williams boots and disappear into the bathroom to shower off the red dirt that stuck to his body like mud. We took family vacations either after the crop was stripped by huge machines called Headers, or, when the rich mallee dirt needed resting after Dad ploughed it….before he’d begin to sow the new crop.

Reflecting on Ovid’s quote made me think of Dad, and how he would say “Moppet, a paddock needs to take a rest”…..and so this week did I……..

Since Sunday, I’ve felt withered like a crop that’s had hail damage, I feel I need to be watered and hydrated after all my weeping, and to be weeded of all the stinging nettles that keep re-growing like weeds in my life. I’ve been exhausted! I even purchased a pregnancy test...I've been that tired and I wanted a tangible explanation for it. But I think the stress and worry over my brother’s heart surgery finally took its toll on me.

Our bodies are amazing machines that warn us through aches and pains and tiredness that its time to rest…like the earth when it’s fallowed…to allow time between seasons and growth. So this week, I had a lot of down time and did things to relax and renew my spirit….I also did a bit of retail therapy! :)

Nothing like a bit of Victoria's Secret to make me feel better!

Green Tea and Chocolate bickies(or cookies if you are in the USA) great re-energizers

My neighboor Renee gave me this beautiful calming Rose scented candle that filled our house with the relaxing aromatherapy of roses

My brother Mark went home only five days after his bypass graft. He’s resting and bored and raring to go back to work. It’s amazing that he’s had his chest sawn open and wired back together….and he’s on no pain medication! Also, that’s he’s been given another opportunity at living life…his doctor said some people don’t get the chance he’s been given…..

Mark with his 'Little Ted' and the big Ted I sent

I couldn’t send flowers to the ICU so I sent this big teddy bear with a bright happy red bow. Little Ted in the photo had pride of place on his bed when we were growing up. Mark would throw little Ted at the wall if he didn’t get his own way! He tells me Little Ted has a minder now in Big Ted....like Mark is with me.

Hopefully by next week I’ll be firing on all cylinders again like my brother is….that my body will be a crop of sunflowers instead of a weeping willow tree.

Thanks to everyone who sent messages about my big brother Mark and his open heart surgery….YOU put sunshine in my blue cup this week and have also heaped topsoil back in my paddock to help cultivate my crop for whatever seeds may be sprinkled and grown in the forthcoming seasons of life…….

I took this of Dempsey in a crop of wildflowers near our house....a reminder to me to enjoy natures gifts

And I hope if you need it too, you can rest your field, regroup and be ready to reap a bountiful crop of blooming sunny wildflowers in the coming days, no matter what your challenges may be. x

.

Rainbow reminders through the storms of life.......

2011-05-10T16:25:00.000-07:00

Life is like a rainbow and so is the human spirit! Both filled with different colors. Brilliant, calming, unusual and of course dark. Friends can be like a rainbow too. Coming to your rescue after a storm and helping you to see the world is truly beautiful. Like, when you spot a rainbow in the sky, I always stop, and look, and reflect in awe at one of nature’s miracles.

My weekend was like a squally storm...then out of the darkness, rainbows appeared! Splinters of beauty and hope and faith filled my Friday, Saturday and Sunday!

I had another unexpected phone call from my Dad which caught me off guard…..it seems the grey cloud has moved back over our family…but more of that later. I wanted to share and give you hope if you need it, that family and friends can be your rainbow....to help you weather any storm.

Mary's fragrant bouquet

After a blubbering sooky phone call with my friend Mary on Friday, she arrived with this home grown bunch of colorful roses….a symbol of love and of the fragility of life. My kitchen smells like a spring garden in bloom….I was so thankful! :)

And my friend Steph took it upon herself to ring me on Sunday and wish me a Happy Mother’s Day from her holiday in Vegas….I think that took a lot of courage, to ring a mom who you know may make your day dark. My cousin Heash called from Oz and I got some beautiful facebook messages and texts to let me know I wasn’t alone. We skyped with my sister's twins, and they set a fine example, happy and oblivious to any sadness….. And my neighbor Renee knocked on my door with some lavender hand cream and a hug. Yes, my weekend was filled with many shades....most of them vibrant!

Dempsey's gorgeous Mother's Day words of wisdom.....

My little rainbow Dempsey climbed into bed with me on Sunday…”Happy Mother’s Day Mummy!” she said and proudly placed this picture in my hands. My perceptive eight year old daughter ‘gets it.’ She’s written “Thank you mom for making me SUPER happy to be alive.” My heart surged….

Dempsey's sun she made at school...it will remind me to smile...

And to add to the picture was a present….”It’s a smiley sun Mummy, for you!”

Dempsey didn’t paint it a brilliant yellow or a burnt orange, she’d colored it brown…and it made me smile and consider how sometimes the sun can be brown, or grey or blue, but it’s always shining and reminding us there is always light, no matter how bad things seem.

And that brings me to the phone call from my Dad. I wasn’t prepared for his alarming news…..that my big brother Mark had suffered three heart attacks and was in the hospital. That he has to have a quintuple bypass graft... “But he’s only forty-seven!” I cried.

My tears were instant as the shock set in and I listened to my Dad cry down the phone line.

I couldn’t survive through another loss….. but as the weekend moved forward, all my friends and family seemed to take my hand and drag me along....they helped me, and I know that no matter whatever the storm ahead brings, there’ll be rainbows in the love I am blessed with that will outshine any dark day.

My brother Mark, with his girlfriend Fiona and me at Christmas in Australia

My brother Mark has always been so protective of me. He’s a diamond in the rough! I adore him.

When I got to hear his voice on Friday, it was comforting and reassuring that he’s going to be okay. “I love you Moppy and I’m going to be fine!” he told me.

On Thursday he’ll have his chest cracked open and his heart stopped by a machine, while some amazing doctor’s in Australia meticulously mend five of his damaged coronary arteries. So if you’re the praying kind, please say a prayer for him.

I know he’ll have several angels watching over him, his girlfriend Fiona to help him through any tough moments….and I know from experience, rainbows in the many people who love him…..including me.

And I know the grey cloud that hangs over our family will shift, hopefully some time soon.....

However I know until it does, there’ll be many rainbows in my friends and family that will help color my world with love. They will continue to shelter me under an umbrella of support....which is fuel for me to be the biggest rainbow in the upcoming days for my brother Mark as he recovers.

.

Mother's Day for me

2011-05-06T08:37:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up, I thought my Mum was the most beautiful mother in the world! I would sit in our bathroom, cross legged on a white fluffy stool and gaze at her as she applied her make-up. I was fascinated, watching her dip her cosmetic brush into the sink water, then she’d dab the brush into her charcoal Estee Lauder eye shadow and transform her deep set eyes into a picture of glamour. And when I got older, we’d share a glass of wine together in that same bathroom as we groomed ourselves, swapped clothes and talked about life.

Mum never left the house without her strawberry blonde hair curled, her elegant high heels on and apricot lipstick. And when she graced a room, you noticed her. She smelt sweet, always wafting in Youth Dew perfume that infused into her clothing and permeated her skin. That smell made me feel so safe.

My beautiful inspirational Mum!

The dreaded Mothers Day is sneaking up on me. And anyone who is missing a loved one, be it their mother or their baby will understand when I say ‘dreaded.’

You can’t avoid it, the happy advertisements are everywhere. Even my inbox isn’t a sacred place anymore as email after email arrive announcing gift ideas…for example, from United Airlines – “Last minute gifts for your Mom”, and my facebook friends are changing their profile photos for smiling ones with their alive mothers! Even bloody Von’s supermarket’s flyer is covered in adverts of beautiful bouquets and Hershey's chocolates "For Your Mom!”

Well what do we mum less people do? Or we mums who are missing our child? Or mums that desperately want a child? You can’t hide! It's another hard day on the calendar to face each year. One of my hardest. It's a bittersweet day and I'm trying not to let my mind wander…….

Taken on Mothers Day....Savannah stopped walking this Mothers Day morning

Savannah made me a mother. I was totally unprepared for the immediate love that enveloped me the moment I saw her. And Dempsey, my joy, will help me to survive another Mother’s Day with her pampering kisses and her ability to anchor my heart. However, my Mother’s Day hurts….my grief gets magnified….and while I do try hard not to let the pain get a grip on me, this week I’ve been weeping a lot.

On Sunday, I’ll miss Savannah and I’ll miss heaing Mums voice. My mother, who was always smiling and positive. She shaped my character...and while she never said, “Here are the tools Diana, I will teach you"….she led by example, with her passion for living and her encouraging philosophy on life. I have to be thankful for having known her at all! I am brutally aware that my sister’s twin daughters will never appreciate that exquisite moment when your mother transfers all her love into you in a hug. Nobody else gives that unconditional love that your mother can.

How does anyone else on this earth replace that? How do we get through a Mothers Day without missing the magic that is your Mum? Well I don’t think you do. I think you get through it the best way you can and hope, if you are lucky enough to have a child, or a husband, or a friend, or someone, that will make you feel special….then through your tears, smiles will emerge, which are food for your spirit and help remind you all is not lost.

Dempsey wrote this in class. I love the bit "loves me when I be myself".....how lucky I am

When I was a little girl, Mum would wrap me up in her arms on her lap and say “How did I get so lucky to get you! You could’ve gone to some other mother!” And I find myself saying this now to Dempsey, who giggles and says "Muuummyyy!" and hugs me tighter…. So on Sunday, I’ll try to channel my mother's magic into me. And hopefully, set a fine example for my daughter.....to give Dempsey tools that she may need one day. I know my Mum lives on through me, as Savannah lives on through Demps and Tarnia will always be around with her four beautiful children.

I never smell my Mum's Youth Dew perfume anymore. Its' an old fragrance. However, a few days ago, at our friend Michelle’s house, her sweet mother welcomed me with a hug. And as I embraced her, my sense's stirred....I realized she was wearing Mum’s perfume...and it was comforting! I held her for just a few moments longer than I should have….and just for a second, I imagined she was Mum…………..

Dempsey...my Mother's Day gift.....always

Happy Mother's Day Mum. x

Wishing you all a Happy Mothers Day and hoping you can find a little ray of sunshine if your cup is blue on Sunday. x

.

Bitter or Better? Lessons on my sister's birthday!

2011-05-01T19:17:00.000-07:00

Today is my sister’s birthday. Tarnia will forever be 39 years old. She never got to celebrate her 40th birthday!

While writing this blog outside on this warm May morning, I noticed a tiny whispy feather trapped in some dry grass that had blown up to our door. It was trapped like all of us are on this grief journey, however, I smiled when I saw it. A message from Tarnia today I’m sure!

The tiny whispy feather I spotted this morning..a message from my sister?

There are deep-seated messages and lessons I’ve learned from her death that today, I reflected on.

As I poured boiling water into my tea this morning the steam from the kettle blended with the tears in my eyes. “Happy Birthday Tarnia” I said to myself. And the word that popped into my head to describe her not being here…. “unfair.” And it is unfair and unjust…but those emotions can lead to feeling bitter. And that’s not how Tarnia would want me to be….with a slip of a vowel; I can choose to turn bitter into better instead!

To be a better aunt, a better sister, a better wife, a better daughter, a better friend and a better Mum to Dempsey. To be better at being aware of just how lucky I am to be here!

To be better at relishing in each day instead of wasting it or complaining about trivial stuff. Like the other night….I sat and eavesdropped at a party as two friends obsessed over how many calories are in peanut butter!! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, and I wanted to say “Be grateful you can enjoy bloody peanut butter!”

Tarnia's 4 beautiful babes!

It is unfair that this morning her twin girls won’t climb into her bed beside her for a cuddle. Or that Fraser can’t pick a bunch of sweet smelling roses from her garden for her, as he does for me now. Oh, and how she’d be smiling, listening in awe about the naughty goings on Alexander has been up to in his first semester of University down in the big smoke. And Tone, who’s left with the mess and only memories and an empty side of the bed.

And my Dad….today, I told him I was thinking of him…he just thanked me, as Peter probably will with Dempsey one day when its her sisters birthday. Yes, it’s difficult not to be bitter…. Nonetheless, I do look at her death on her special day as a reminder to me to “be better!”

Tarnia and Tone

The loss of a loved one rips you apart, but time can be an amazing ally. Like a therapist….it allows us an interlude where slowly, every so slowly, piece by piece, time puts the majority of you back together. Even though your core is different, you can become better because of it. Like a jigsaw puzzle, where all the pieces finally fit back together, and you can clearly see the big picture. However, with my puzzle there will always be one impossible piece that will never fit. A renegade chunk that can be bitter and it IS a constant battle to stop that part of the puzzle from changing me into someone I don’t want to be. And neither would my sister!

I bet if I could have one last conversation with her, if she knew that it would be the last…she would say, “Diana, love my kids. Look after Tone. Laugh a lot. Take care of Dad. And kiss your babies” and that’s the better bit….because of that, I strive to be better.

So today, it is her birthday, but I feel like I have been given a gift. A gift to realize and appreciate and never never forget to be happy, to love my loved ones with gusto and to be a BETTER person! Tarnia was always smiling, and she’d want that for me too!

Happy Birthday Tarnia and thank you…you will always be my big sister……and, I will always miss you. x

.

This Season of Hope...celebrating Easter.

2011-04-26T19:22:00.000-07:00

Anyone grieving wishes they could sleep through the holidays. Special occasions can stir up old memories and a craving for our loved ones who’ll be missing out….

A few days ago I received a message from a lovely lady who read my blog. She wrote; “Grief is so hard and every holiday seems to spit it right back in my face! I get up and I fall down more….I struggle so!”

For some of us, Easter or this time of year does mark many things. The death of Jesus and his resurrection or get togethers with family and friends, where we can feast on their love and laughter. And this fuel can help to keep you going, and top up your tank for the next hard day ahead on your journey. Well it does help me.

On Easter Sunday, I thought of the many people who would be wishing that Easter Bunny could take away their pain, instead of deliver gifts. If only you could wrap up your hurt in sparkling foil like an Easter egg….and place it in an empty basket….and leave it at the front door with a juicy carrot and a note attached. But you can’t. On special days you have to labor through your grief, and its hard work.

However, this year, even though I miss Savannah and Mum and my sister, I decided to try and gift wrap my grief and put it away for the day….and I understand not everyone can do this…especially if your grief is fresh and raw like a new cut. I decided to make my own rules as the day progressed and try to enjoy whatever the day brought. I hope you can take comfort and hope, that in the future, that there will come a day when maybe you can do this too.

Half of my delicious Hot Cross Bun

Its tradition in Australia to have hot cross buns at Easter time. I’ve never seen them in the USA however, a friend of ours somehow found them in a bakery here. They were sticky and lush…..I toasted mine as my mum always did, adding a sprinkle of cinnamon and sugar amongst the melted butter. They were doughy, and only had a few sultanas scattered throughout the bun, but they took me back in time to Easter in Oz with my family when I was a little girl.

Dempsey was thrilled with her goodies the bunny had left and gorged on chocolate all day…..AND I let her! :) It’s easy to let your guard down and over compensate on our kids that are alive. After all, it’s only a bit of sugar……

These little characters are called Squinkies and are the latest craze amongst Dempsey’s friends. There are rabbits and kittens, fairies and farm animals that live inside tiny plastic gumballs. Easter Sunday, I loved seeing the smile and wonder on Dempsey’s face as she popped open each gumball to discover what was hidden inside.

Savannah playing with Trishie at Easter.....

Savannah loved Easter. On Sunday I lit her special pink rainbow candle and hugged her ashes and wished her a "Happy Easter Bubby!" I have memories of her scampering amongst the grass collecting eggs in her bucket. I did wonder what she would’ve liked in her Easter basket......I always will.

The bible believes Easter is a time of resurrection or rebirth. And so it is with grief, each day is a chance for renewal, for hope and a choice to try and rise each day to celebrate being alive….even if you are missing a special someone. Tomorrow is always a new day............

Wishing you Sunshine if your cup is blue over these Easter Holidays. x

What you can do with loved one's possessions you don't want to give away.

2011-04-20T09:39:00.000-07:00

After someone you love dies its difficult to let go of their possessions.

Whether it’s a baby blanket, an old sweater, a scarf or a ragged toy ….and sometimes we never let go. The arduous task of sorting through personal ‘stuff’ is like going to the dentist….we put it off, knowing that when confronted with their things its painful…like letting go of a piece of them, or a memory. But memories can’t be stolen or lost or given away. So yesterday I had a brainstorm about what I could do with some of Savannah’s ‘stuff.’

Dempsey’s closet is brimming with boxes, overflowing with old dusty stuffed toys and board books and dress ups that she’s simply grown out of. And Peter has been nagging me to purge.

I knew that I’d come across fragments of Savannah’s life behind the bulging sliding doors. But I was prepared. And I think if you are ready, and IF you can embrace the grief it may bring, then that’s a great place to start.

And I did find some of Savannah’s favorite toys, like a Barney toy that sings “I love you and you love me” if you squeeze his fat belly, her beloved Jemima doll that went everywhere with her. And a small plastic red wagon that I remember Savannah dragging behind her as she collected pine cones from the garden. I remember the sunshine picking up the gold in her hair as she gathered one after the other of the pine cones we’d later paint with glitter.

Savannah's loved red wagon that I found hard to give away. I hope another little one can enjoy the way she did.

And her books, oh her books! After Savannah’s hands became contracted from her horrid disease she couldn’t hold a book, or even turn a page! However, books still brought her comfort.

She couldn’t escape her illness, but we did manage to flee to the park. We’d pile her big red wagon and her blue reclining chair into our car and sit in the sunshine and read. Her smiles were such a reward back then! We also had a kind lady, Marcia who would come to our home, sit on her hospital bed, and read to her.

Some of Savannah's favorite books...I couldn't part with these ones :)

So, as I held these treasures in my hands I contemplated NOT giving them away, each one held a special memory. I could hear her dainty voice reading them…like she was right there next to me…..that was until Dempsey burst into the room and bombarded me with “Give those away Mummy, they’re for babies!” But how could I let go of these material things that were shrouded in memories of Savannah?

And I don’t know how this thought came to me, whether I read it somewhere or whether a light bulb went off in my brain, but I thought, “I can photograph them!” And make a memory book of these things that I didn’t want to part with but knew I had to….well, most of them anyway! :)

So tomorrow I’ll start cataloguing the ones I'll give away, one by one, this handful of cherished items that will give me gentle comfort anytime I wish…and Dempsey will have a collection of mementos of some of her sister’s short time with us which she might be interested in one day…..

Some of Savannah's favorite toys...her Jemima doll and Henry the Octopus, Humpty and Diddle the cat...so many memories attached!

And you can do this too! Create a memory album of photos of cherished possessions that you CAN’T hang onto for whatever reason, but you can record forever that can aid in your healing.

Savannah when she was well...oh how she adored her books!

I did hang on to a few I couldn’t part with….that will always just be hers!

Ones that I can take out and touch and pause to remember a little girl with a pile of books, chattering away happily, swallowed up by her imagination of some place special far away in the pages of those books…like where I imagine she is now…….

Thankful for...............

2011-04-14T16:20:00.000-07:00

Life after loss is certainly different. Especially after the death of a child.

For a long time the world loses its beauty and meaning.

But then, one morning, the tears won't come straight away and it'll be like someone has waved a magic wand....you will wake up and notice the sun seems warmer and brighter than it was. You’ll hear, really hear the birds chirping as music to your ears…and you’ll wonder why you never noticed before.

I call these things the ‘gift of grief.’ A new appreciation for the little things in life. This week, these are just a few moment’s captured on film I’m thankful for……...

Last week I had the privilege of watching my baby get her first ever trophy for third spot in the School Spelling Bee!

My heart felt like it would burst as I watched my daughter stand tall, and humbly walk to the stage and collect the trophy that was half the size of her!

My beaming smile could’ve lit the school auditorium.

I wish I could bottle the pride I felt as her Mamma…and there were no tears. :)

Needless to say, the trophy has become her new bed buddy and hasn't left her side since she got it!

Dempsey has become obsessed with playing tennis in our street. Peter or me volley the ball up and down the road to her.

And after watching our other daughter Savannah lose so many of her physical abilities, one by one, watching Dempsey swing a racket at a small green ball is gratifying. I never take it for granted.

And if she manages to connect the ball with the racket, it’s a giggle fest……and a “Stop taking photos Mummy!”

After slogging the ball up and down our street and dodging the neighboorhood cars, I caught Demps outside giving herself her first mani pedi…

Her effort made me laugh....however, I don’t think it’ll be a career choice for her! :)

And with easter bunny busy assembling his delicious chocolate treats for easter, I couldn’t resist filling our lolly jar with sweet foil covered delights! Every once in a while we need to indulge in chocolate....one of the most therapeutic things I know if I’m having a debbie downer day!

Dempsey was patiently waiting for me to rip open the lid……

And these little beauties which Dempsey arranged….

How can they not make you say awwwwwwwwwwwwwww? Uber cute right? They look as if any minute, they are about to start chirping…….

I took this with my iphone while shopping…..

Dempsey appeared from amongst the coat hangers of a clearance rack I was perusing inside Marshalls with a “Look Mummy, this is for you!” Oh how lucky I am…….

Sometimes we forget to smile or its difficult..... However we can often find reminders in the most unlikeliest places....like Marshalls.

These irrisitable lumps of happy bubble gum, packaged so prettily stopped me in my tracks and put a grin on my face.

I'm thankful I can now appreciate these little things that make my days seem fuller...to recognize them and to be thankful for simply being able to buy something so unimportant like this box of gum. And getting hapiness out of imagining the fun Demps and I will have as we blow bubbles, let them pop and stick to our faces and then knowing that when we do....the laughter will be unstoppable.....

Wishing you sunshine if your cup is blue..... x

"Them times!" How we can find new/old memories"

2011-04-08T16:57:00.000-07:00

Photos are powerful possessions!

After my sister Tarnia was killed I couldn’t look at a photo of her without crying.

It took a long time for the pain associated with her smiling image to disappear. And then, all I wanted to do WAS look at photos, stacks of them…so I would never forget……..

My sister Tarnia and Tone her husband.

But over time, most of my photos of Tarnia, Mum and Savannah have lost that penetrating pain that I got if I took them out and touched them. They still suspend me in a time warp of memories, however, they’ve become so familiar now that the impact is almost generic. It’s like your mind becomes accustomed and familiar with the same images.

However, last week, my brother in law Tone, Tarnia’s husband must’ve trawled through his old pictures and generously decided to send me a few…of Tarnia, Mum and Savannah.

So without warning, with my morning cup of coffee steaming in front of me, sitting at my computer, I opened an email he sent simply titled ‘them times.’

As my brain registered the images, it was like snap! Tears filled my eyes and my hand went up to my open mouth. Then….that gnawing feeling of longing hit and finally a smile, a sigh and….comfort. Like I’d just been hugged. The images awakened my memory and took me straight back to some perfect moments forever frozen in time……

Mum, Alexander and the twins under Tarnia's old tree....beautiful memories!

This photo I’d never seen before! It stirred a new/old memory inside me. As my eyes feasted on it, I could almost feel the soft grass under my feet and hear the cicadas chirping and smell the Summer that was in the air. I could hear my Mum’s laughter, and Alexander telling her a story, probably about Harry Potter…..and the sweet voices of the twins saying “Look Nannie!”

There were so many days when Mum would sit in the yard, in the sunshine with the kids. In a chair under Tarnia’s shady Plane Tree and cry. But being amongst nature eased her pain…and this photo reminded me of that!

Savannah and Charlotte - just before Savannah was diagnosed. She looks like a little doll!

And how I adore this one of Savannah that I’ve never seen before either…..looking like the Angel she is! With pink wings on her back and her pink jelly shoes on her feet at a time when she could walk!

And to see Charlotte’s grubby little face made me smile among my tears. The photo took me back….time stopped just for a moment to record her beautiful image forever. It made me realize how old images can provide comforting flashbacks and add to memories that I had forgotten, precious memories.

Photo’s do help you survive…so I urge you to contact family or friends that may have some of your loved ones images captured somewhere.

They can whisk you back with loved ones who've died, to catch a Summer of sunny days or yesteryears gone by. And even though we can’t go back, we can remember vividly from the images and create old/new memories that have been trapped on film for eternity.

I hope one day Dempsey will look back on our photos and smile…and remember ‘them times'.....

(Today's post is for Tone...thank you! x)

The difference Hospice can make......

2011-03-31T10:49:00.000-07:00

This post is for every Hospice worker and pallative care nurse...and to our earth angel Julie who made such a differnce.....THANK YOU seems such a small word for the dedicating care you give.......

We’ve just bought a brand spanking new bedroom setting. Its towering wooden bed head makes me feel so tiny…but like a Princess! :)

Anyway, yesterday, while clearing the space for our new bed, I found hidden under the old bed, a book! A very very special book.

I held it in my hands like a newborn…..and I considered not opening it because what’s on the pages makes me cry. But I had to as the written memories inside are a treasure trove for my soul!

The book is from Hospice…..from the saintly staff that cared for Savannah in her final months. Each person, even her Doctor wrote a tribute to Savannah about how she touched their life.

Inscribed inside its blue covers are words that have been carefully penned through tears and truths. Composed with an intimate understanding and involvement only those of us would recognize having had the extraordinary privilege of caring for someone in their final days.

I almost passed up the opportunity and honor of having Hospice in our house, making a huge difference to our daughter’s comfort in the days that mattered most.

When Hospice gracefully entered our home, things were grim. I had a broken leg, Savannah’s feeding tube was leaking, her pain was increasing and her health was deteriorating. Deteriorating like everything in our lives...Savannah...our marriage….and Dempsey’s patience at the lack of attention she was getting as a one year old. It was like a pressure cooker….we were almost at breaking point…..the whole family!

It was around this time Hospice came into our lives...I had my hands full.....

But I was a nurse…couldn’t I do it all…as her mother, shouldn’t I have been able to? No! I finally admitted I needed help…and lots of it.

Hospice wasn’t a foreign concept to me. They’d cared for my adored mum in her final days. They took control of mum’s pain with morphine. They showered her in a chair so I didn’t have to compromise her dignity and fed her spirit with cheerful chatter each day while they made her bed.

However, I had a hard time handing over the reins of Savannah’s care to an unknown organization….to strangers. I was scared. Our 4 year old daughter was the most important thing in my world, and like a lioness, I was protective.

Looking back, I wish I had of let them into our world sooner. So I could play the most important role in Savannah’s life…simply being her loving mum…nothing more than that! And hospice allowed me that honor in her last months.

They are such a dedicated group of people, like a team of vigilantes who do a job that requires extraordinary compassion. To me, hospice staff have invisible wings. They are earth angels that give so much more of themselves than what is ‘medically’ required of them.

They provided not only a hospital bed that we put in our lounge room, but oxygen tanks, an air bed that circulated around Savannah’s fragile limbs to help prevent more bed sores…and the icing on the cake…liquid med’s..that was FedEx’d to our door. Before Hospice, I had to stand in long queues at Rite Aid for Savannah’s medicine, then crush them and add water, mixing the different potions that were assisting in keeping her alive. Their rolodex of priceless medical help was just that to me…priceless!

Then there’s the emotional side. These wonderful people became like family to us. One nurse, in particular, Julie! She witnessed the raw pain, the gut wrenching torture of Peter and I having to watch our daughter struggle to die…. When I was at the lowest point of my life, when I didn’t think I could take any more, she would wrap her arms around me and allow me to sob and let out my grief.

I couldn’t have made the impact to Savannah’s final days that Hospice did.

This was taken a few weeks before Savannah died..the photo of her on the right just a year earlier...

The gift they gave me was time…to sit with Savannah, to smooth her forehead and hold her hand and not leave her bedside. The gift they gave my child was a peaceful pain free passing to the other side…where there’s no more suffering for her.

And the book…well, sitting on my dusty carpet yesterday, reading the Hospice staff’s memories brought my daughter back to life. Amongst their words I found Savannah and what she meant to others…..and it was like a warm hug. I closed the book and held it to my chest…just like I would if she was here.

I’d like to leave with you with Julie’s words, her nurse, from the book, to help you understand…...the impact Savannah left on them and the comfort Hospice have given me............

"A letter to Savannah”

My dearest Savannah.

What I learned most in life was from your death. You taught me to appreciate life, and my family.

I savor every small thing, things like the sound of cracking from a bat when my son hits a ball, or my older sons snoring…which means his breathing.

I learned to relax and let all the chips fall as they may, and knowing not all is in my control.

Your bravery taught me not to fear death; it has helped me do better at my job. I believe that because of you, I have been able to handle many situations, many families and make their passing smoother.

I believe when you were born there was already a plan for you. In that short amount of time that you were on earth, you probably enriched more lives than an elderly person.

Your passing brought about pain that I never knew. In my selfish way, I wanted you to stay. I wanted to be able to see your beautiful face, your eyes….. Savvy you taught me in a short time without speaking even…..what some people take a lifetime to learn.

I hope your smile will light the way for me when it’s time to leave here.

I hope I find your strength, your courage, your bravery when I am faced with any challenge.

I loved you the moment I met you and I miss you everyday –

God Bless –

Julie -

Eleven years ago, we celebrated!

2011-03-21T19:47:00.000-07:00

Today, my beautiful twin nieces Emerald and Charlotte turn eleven years old!

My sister Tarnia holding one of the twins the day they were born!

I wanted to blog about them today, to celebrate not just their birthday and how special these girls are to me…but also to celebrate life, my sister, and that the human spirit can survive grief or any challenge we are faced with.

Emerald in green and Charlotte in pink....Mum and Dad were living with them when this was taken......

I’ve tackled different thoughts over the years about my sister’s daughters. Thoughts as to why their mum died so young at 39? Why she was taken from them when they were just babies of almost six months old? And I can’t find an answer, or not one that makes any sense anyway. The only cryptic conclusion I can come up with is that maybe Savannah needed her in heaven…to be there when she arrived a few years later…..

That may seem totally crazy or ridiculous, but so is taking a mother from her four children and husband in the prime of her life…..

It seems incredibly surreal to me that I don’t have my daughter here, who would be almost the same age as my nieces…..and they don’t have their mum.

It’s weird, bizarre, whatever you want to call it…but I take comfort from these thoughts. It’s almost like my sister Tarnia is in heaven or somewhere, loving Savannah…..and they are here on earth with me. It’s like we’ve swapped…..

Emerald, Charlotte and Fraser....

I spoke to them on Skype for their birthday in Australia..….Emmy had her hair drawn back in a ponytail, reeling off what loot she got, squashing her ear into the camera on my screen so I could see the pretty earring’s she’d been given. While Charlotte sat on a chair next to her, brushing her hair until it was smooth and shining…..oh how Charlotte reminded me of my sister who did this almost in identical fashion! And that made my heart twinge that Tarnia doesn’t get to experience any of this.

But I don’t want this post to be about sadness….I do feel sad for them that they don’t know a mother’s love, that all consuming adoration that only a mum can give….

Dresses I sent them for their 5th birthday....

Their Dad, Tone, does an amazing job of showering them with love. Apart from the two years my parents helped raise them, he’s done all the hard stuff mostly on his own. He’s nurtured them, kissed their scraped knees, wiped away their tears and prepared nutritious meals for them every night. He does both jobs, Mum and Dad!

Tone, a devoted dad with his beautiful daughters..........

And while I try not to wallow in the fact Tarnia is missing out on these birthdays, where she’d be loving being able to cook them a delicious birthday cake, or trolling the stores for their presents….or just being able to hug them and reminisce about the day they were born……her girls seem unaffected by not having a mother….and this floors me…but it’s true!

I’ve never heard them say “I wish Mummy was here!” Or “What was Mummy like?” And I tell them all the time about their mum and me growing up…how she was the sensible one, and how if she was here she wouldn’t cut their hair…amongst other things. However, they seem like any other ‘normal’ little girls that enjoy the comings and goings of being an ‘almost’ teenager. And who have a messy room! :)

Sometimes, my heart gets squeezed by moments, like watching them at a band concert play their instruments, or listening to them encourage Dempsey with homework. They are always happy. They seem seriously okay…and that is comforting.

Special memories of Dempsey and her cousins.....

I’m not sure why they are like they are. Maybe it’s because their Dad is a huge force in their lives, or because they don’t know what it’s like to have a mother around who'd love them with a fierce force….all I can put it down to is the human spirit is bigger than grief or loss…...

Emerald and Charlotte are happy, well adjusted, affectionate girls! Their spirits are sunny and cheerful and I put this down to their environment. It’s evidence to me that even with the ever present shadow of grief; you can endure losing a loved one and grow out of any tragedy.

However, I know one day they will ask questions, I give them opportunities now but they don’t ask much. And I’ll always be grateful that my sister has left TWO slices of her for us to adore.

I hope they never lose their sense of happiness or become a statistic of grief in the future as they grow into women.

And Dempsey is fortunate to have found sisters in them; they make up a huge hole in her life for the sister SHE is missing. They smother her sometimes with affection which makes my heart swell!

I love the girls like they are my own….I appreciate that while I don’t have Savannah here, I have a small piece of her in watching Emmy and Charlotte bloom into girls who will always be of similar age to my daughter who’s missing. And I hope in time, when they need it, they will feel they have a small piece of their Mummy in me…..

The girls birthday party last year...and I'm sure a spiritual ORB right over Charlotte's face...maybe my sister, their mum, was there after all!

HAPPY 11TH BIRTHDAY EMERALD AND CHARLOTTE!
Love you! XX

Thankful for............

2011-03-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

Watching the horrific goings on in Japan, with the massive earth quake and tsunami has had an enormous emotional impact on me this week.

And I haven’t stopped thinking of the many families and friends all over the world that are currently being affected by grief this monster has created.

It reinforces to me yet again how our time should be cherished as we never know what an ‘ordinary’ day can bring.

It also draws my attention to ALWAYS being appreciative of the little things we sometimes take for granted. Especially when there are people struggling to survive in nature’s aftermath….half a world away.

For me, this week, these are a few things I’m thankful for……

This has been our sky in California this week!

A lush shade of blue, like a canvas that’s waiting to be painted. I’ve enjoyed sitting outside, with the sun’s dancing rays warming me through to my bones…while listening to the birds chirping that are oblivious to the stresses in the world……

And with the onset of ‘almost’ spring, one of my favorite things has sprung to life. My jasmine vine! It’s sprinkled with delicate clusters of sweet smelling gems, huddled together beneath the bushy green leaves, just waiting to burst open and fill the air with its sweet perfume.

Jasmine to me is like an antibiotic…it reminds me of my mum and also of my sister’s house in Australia which is dripping in the sweet smelling vine in springtime.

Tarnia’s coffin was laced with Jasmine, but I find it comforting to inhale its powerful scent. It provokes many memories of home and the people I love. I always snip the first buds that appear and place them on Savannah’s shelf next to her urn. They are delicate like she was and the aroma sweetens our family room…you can almost taste its intoxicating nectar.

We’ve enjoyed some family time this week….paused all electronic devices for a while and indulged in some good old fashioned games!

Our friend Steph introduced Dempsey to the unfashionable game of Jacks…she took to it like a duck to water…..and mastered it with a huge grin!

Then of course there was Chess with Daddy. While I washed dishes, I found myself smiling as I watched Demps and her Dad silently enjoy this game of strategy. Needless to say, Dempsey has a long way to go before she can beat Peter, which is more than I can say for me! :)

Just some effortless family time warmed my heart this week.

And of course there was a lesson from Dempsey…my perceptive, wise beyond her years eight year old, who continues to teach me about life!

I snapped this photo of her tiny book of thoughts which she told me I wasn’t allowed to look at, but couldn’t help sneaking a peek….she writes…”Facts that are odd in life. 1. Life!”

I can’t wait to read what she divulges next!

And life is just that, ‘odd’…..hours filled with different sorts of moments, like a game, where you don’t know what cards you’ll be dealt or whether your number will come up next…..

These moments can fill us with happiness, help build and mold our world, make us grateful and always remind us to never take a second for granted……I only have to think of what must be going on over the pond in Japan to be mindful of just how thankful we should be for each day we are graced with!

Thankful for Chez, a stranger until a few months ago...a lady who's been reading my blog from Australia, who is loving and thoughtful and understands the gift of grief...and time...thank you Chez for gifting me with me with this wonderful piece of art of our angel! How lucky I am! x

Wishing you sunshine and reflection and moments of peace and joy this week if your cup is blue...keep our Japanese neighbors in your thoughts! x

Wishing for a magic carpet!

2011-03-10T11:39:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have a moment where your day is unfolding nicely and then WHAM, just like that you get distracted by a thought and your day changes.....you wish your life was different to what it is?

This morning while tackling the bumper to bumper car pool line at Dempsey's school my happy mood weakened.....one of the mother's at the school gate reminded me of my old life and what I'm missing. Her daughter and Savannah played together in a 'Mommy and me' playgroup many years ago. She still has her daughter....I don't.

And as I watched her smile at Dempsey as I drove off, I wondered for a second what my life would be like if I had've just dropped off TWO children instead of one...Savannah and Dempsey? What it'd be like to enjoy two kisses on the cheek and two "I love you Mummy," instead of one? To pack two lunchboxes and get out two sets of clothes instead of one everyday?

My two babe's....I wish I'd taken more photos of them together....

By the time I stopped at the traffic lights, I was trying to disguise the tears that were slowly rolling out from under my sunglasses from the hurried chatty mother's and their children crossing the road in front of my car.

I also considered what it'd be like to come home and pick up the phone and be able to dial Mum, or my sister? Just some simple little thoughts that made me cry today. And I hate that my life is broken in that way and it can't be fixed....there is no antidote or treatment or glue or magic substance that can mend my life....and that makes me sad today.

Peter is away working and when I have this alone time I find I reflect and I can't hide from my thoughts.

When I got home I felt like the four walls were closing in on me....suffocating me. So I quickly grabbed my coffee, camera and writing book and headed for the park...hoping for some comfort somewhere along the pavement. But there is no escape...where do you escape to? And the silence while sitting on the hard metal park bench was sobering and made me feel sorrier for myself.

I want my family back, I want to be like the other mother's I saw this morning, who have all their children, and their sisters and Mum...I want my life back to how it was...before!

I get tired of pretending to be a happy housewife some days.....I get sick of being a lifeboat when sometimes I feel like the person drowning......I want a hug from my Mum...is that too much to ask for?

And I want to pick up two children this afternoon, instead of one....and I wish I could ring Tarnia and ask her how she's feeling about my nephew starting University a few weeks ago. This impossible dream makes me cry today...and I can't help it. I've tried!

I wish a magic carpet would suddenly appear, hovering at my feet, waiting to whisk me away...just for a day, where I could invent a new story for myself....where I could pretend life is different....just different than what it is...........

So I sat on the park bench, pondering and crying, watching an amazing soaring hawk in the sky, it was peaceful.....and made me wonder if animals know grief??? I packed up my stuff, wiped my runny nose on my sleeve and wandered back to my reality.

Today, I'm not going to pretend to be brave, I lost something precious and its okay to have a day where I can soak up my tears and realize that.

I'm hoping Dempsey will be an enchanting force today. Reminding me that even though I can't heal my wound or fix that broken piece of my heart.....the magic band aid of Dempsey's love and tales of how she passed her divisions, or played jump rope and broke her PB........her innocence of real life, will make me appreciate my 'different' one....she will be my smile today!

My magic band aid today!

A lesson from my daughter.......

2011-03-04T14:13:00.000-08:00

Dempsey's School Diary!

There’s nothing like the annual field trip to get the old paranoia going in a parent…especially one who’s already lost a child!

And I know this is a normal reaction to grief…a relentless fear that something will happen to another loved one. And some situations propel me into a neurotic person just a teensy weensy bit MORE than others…….

Um, like a “Whale Watching Field Trip!”

Not one in a safe four walled aquarium, no, one on a boat, on an ocean, the wild ocean, with unpredictable waves and shark invested waters…

So you can guess how I felt about Dempsey going by herself. No Way, it wasn’t going to happen! This year, I didn’t have to beg to follow the bus…I was allowed! :)

However, instead of holding my breath in anticipation at something happening to Dempsey, the day managed to take my breath away. I was reminded by Mother Nature and a bunch of wise eight year olds, how to find joyfulness in the simple things in life……

Kids = enthusiasm…simple as that!

And they can teach us adults a thing or two about noticing and marveling in the miracles of our environment.

The whole experience, from the night before, as Dempsey taped ‘her list’ on our fridge had me smiling and feeling all fuzzy with love and gratefulness…..how my daughter’s enthusiasm has the ability to humble me with the simplicity of finding joy in such small moments……….

The morning of the trip Dempsey met me on the stairs in the dark, already dressed (in her layers), raring to go…

And by ten am we were on the water. Despite my anxiety, I was enjoying the blustery salty sea air that was bitterly cold. And, the thought of seeing a real live whale in its natural habitat….I was beginning to relax! :)

My paranoia faded as the anticipation and energy from the kids kicked in. Out of the dark shadows of the ocean leapt dolphins…slippery and graceful, mysterious and playful. They were breathtaking! As was the wonder and excitement oozing out of the children. Dempsey was clutching onto the boat railing, jumping up and down, and pointing…with a grin almost as wide as the ocean…..

It was difficult not to be affected by the kid’s animated euphoria. It is said, children laugh on average three hundred times a day, compared to us adults measly fifteen!

They see the world as it is, stripped bare of any stresses or pressures…and if we take our blinkers off and take a leaf out of their book, we can channel this same capacity into our everyday moments.

We all exist in the same world and should try NOT to lose the ability that children have to appreciate what we often take for granted. We just need to pay attention, like they do...to our surroundings and wittness the beauty through the eyes of a child!

You gotta look close, but there is a whale tail waving at us! :)

And the kids weren’t disappointed either that they didn’t get to see a whale up close. We did see a tail, and some spray in the water…and that seemed enough for them…another example of them teaching me that day….to just be happy instead of constantly searching and wanting more!

And the lessons from my gorgeous eight year old didn’t end on the boat. Last night I read the report she wrote for school. Hidden in her words was another prompt to notice the gifts Mother Nature bestows on us everyday if we take the time to realize…to quote Dempsey… “I saw a cloud that looked like a sea lion popping out of the water…”

Part of Dempsey's report about the field trip...this made me smile too! :)

I know after experiencing grief we do become more appreciate of these special moments....

However today, I’m trying not to be disappointed that for once, we have a cloudless sky in California….I was looking forward to acting like a kid, squinting at the sun, trying to find some special image in a fluffy cloud to feed my spirit today! :)

Wishing you sunshine if your cup is blue and hoping you can find something to make you smile in the heavens above…….

What the flu can sometimes bring......

2011-02-28T19:51:00.000-08:00

These have been my best friends the past few days...............

Cough drops, bottles upon bottles of icy water and a box of tissues......I've learnt it's a true skill to pull out just one without scoring ten!

I've been sick with the flu....miserable! My cough sounds like a seal who's escaped Sea World and I smell like the inside of a Vick's Vapor Rub jar! :) But today, I'm getting better thank goodness!

For the past 4 days I haven't been motivated to climb out of bed, let alone jump on my laptop....and I told Peter I felt like I was dying.... "It's Swine Flu!" I told him!

I was struggling to catch my breath Saturday night...had the chills, which made me rug up deep under the covers....then within minutes, throw all the blankets off in a sweaty mess, gasping and barking!

I'd forgotten what it's like to be sick....flu'y sick!

Dempsey was her usual caring self. She wants to be a Doctor when she grows up. So she took over the medical duties...feeling my forehead with her hand and telling me I had a temp, and nagging me not to forget to drink water, soda or orange juice..."But not wine or coca cola Mummy!" she stated! She also shared her 'Healing Bear' who she cuddles every night....I felt privileged! :)

Dempsey's Chakra Healing Bear..she swears he works miracles...each colored dot represents a Chakra in the body!

And the whole experience made me think of my beautiful Mum!

Not just how I miss her smoothing my forehead like she did when I was ill,....or how she made me feel better with a cold glass of fizzy seven-up and her delicious lamb shank soup. No, it made me reflect on how she must've felt when she was unwell.....when she was actually dying.

For those days I was stuck in bed, I thought about Mum's strength and the fearlessness she faced her illness with. She never complained about how sick she must've felt, of her suffering....of the fluid building inside her body. No, she was an advocate for living! And, while she coped with all the physical side affects cancer brings, there was also the mental side of watching me agonize over Savannah's fatal diagnosis....

She maintained a tidy house, cooked dinner for my sister's growing children and woke during the night to bottle feed twin babies...... How can I not draw strength from her fine example?

Yes, while lying in bed all weekend, watching the 'Food Network,' I dissected the "What ifs".....

"What if the flu was deadly?"

"What would I do with my precious time?"

"Have I done the things in life I want to?"

"What would I change if I only had a certain amount of time left?"

And we should all think like that everyday....that today may be our last....and take advantage of the days we are blessed with.

I also thought of a lovely lady in Sydney who's battling cancer....she doesn't complain either.... And I don't want to wait for a disastrous diagnosis, or any diagnosis to give me a slap in the face and remind me to appreciate what I have.

I know being sick with a an insignificant flu reminded me to enjoy being well! To make some changes to my life, like setting the alarm an hour earlier so I can go for a run before I attack the kitchen in the morning...amongst other things.... And to make a list...not a grocery one, a list of what I want to do with my precious time!

Dempsey in a fit of giggles on the floor as I tickled her.....................

And of course, feeling better today, I did the one thing I love to do most....tickle Demps and listen to that unadorned, magic giggle! If only I could bottle it! She is the best medicine of all....

.

Lost dreams and the feelings of longing through grief..............

2011-02-15T14:21:00.000-08:00

THE BEREAVED – May Williams Ward

In the next room, in the low chair,
In the soft dark, are you there?
I do not ask it when sun is laid
Through the checkered window in yellow plaid-

But in the deep dark…In the low chair
In the next room, are you there?
I want you there….

This morning while trying to rinse dried oats off Peter’s breakfast bowl I looked over at Dempsey who was lost in a TV program…. She was sitting on our sofa, munching on dry vegemite toast, in her jammies…her school clothes waiting to be slipped into, piled neatly next to her.

“Darlin, you’re going to be late if you don’t get organized” I whined at her.

“Mummy, come sit with me and watch,” she said, patting the cushion next to her.

I filled the sink with the dirty breakfast dishes, dried my hands on a tea-towel and decided we had half an hour before we had to leave…..I hate saying no to a simple request of spending a bit of time with her. So I snuggled up on the couch beside her to see what had caught her attention so deeply.

She was watching American Idol which I had TIVO’d for her last Wednesday night.

I had no idea watching this talent show would reduce me to tears….at 7.30 in the morning! After all, it’s just a TV show right? But it was soooooooooo moving……….

And I find now, after experiencing grief that these moments of unpredictable reactions to other peoples’ ‘stories’ can transform me into a blubbering mess! It’s that gift of compassion grief brings into your world….mixed and stirred with the craving for what my child who’s missing would have wanted out of life……

Watching some of the contestants live out their dream, and being told “You’re going to Hollywood Baby!” had such a powerful effect on me. You see it’s the longing for Savannah that prompts the tears…the wondering, and the reflecting, and the not knowing what my little girl’s dreams were is what constricts my throat with pain.

Savannah at a Make A Wish granting experience in Australia.....her wish was to work with the dolphins..a very very special memory!

When Savannah was alive, she would say “I want to be a dolphin trainer Mummy!” That was her dream…. But today, I wonder whether she'd want to be dancer or a writer or a teacher……or just anything! It’s that mystery and unfairness that I don’t get to know, or see, or experience WHAT she would’ve been….even how she would’ve enjoyed sitting with Demps and me watching bloody American Idol!

And I feel ripped off when these emotions hit that I’ll never know…I can only envision…and it’s painful!

The simple fact is I miss my child. I miss the little things, like feeling a tight hug or even a smile from Savannah. I can say with confidence and conviction that I’ll feel like this until I die. For all my days……

I can’t watch movies where they show little girls being reunited into their mother’s arms…. or Gray’s Anatomy when they depict a storyline about curing a child’s disease. It’s heart wrenching as I know my little girl will never be returned to me and will never escape what happened to her.

And I know I can’t change my circumstances…I will always be saddened sometimes and curious…and that's part of being the mother of a child who died, that was stolen and that I’ll never see again. But I can still dream…and imagine………

You see every night before I go to bed, I check in on Dempsey. I stack up the scattered books she’s read that are laying on the carpet. I gently pull the blanket up over her shoulders and tap off her touch light.

I gaze at Dempsey’s innocence, lost in dreamland, tucked up safe under the blankets…she will always be my miracle and I know I’ll enjoy watching her live out her ambitions in this life.

However, some nights she looks like her sister as she sleeps...I see Savannah and the similarities are comforting……. On those nights I linger alone for just a bit longer and imagine……

PS; My beautiful dream Dempsey...... Remember always, always to take the time with your kids...to drop what's not important and spend some special moments with them...they only really want our love and our precious time...even if its watching American Idol on a school day!

Wishing you sunshine if your cup is blue! x

"The little red flags that remind us to LIVE!" x

2011-02-08T13:15:00.000-08:00

My neighbor Renee often leaves me gifts hanging on the spikes of our front gate. Sometimes it’s her hand me down tops, or a sweet candy surprise for Dempsey. Yesterday, it was a supermarket bag jam packed with a bunch of old magazines.

And you may wonder where this is going; apart from the fact I have a generous neighbor! Well, while flicking through one of these outdated magazines I stumbled on what I like to believe is a tangible sign from…..maybe my beautiful Mum! The words on the page stopped me dead in my tracks! I ripped it out as a reminder!

You see one thing I’ve learned through my journey is to ‘take notice of coincidences,’ these so called random flukes or accidental occurrences that ‘just happen!’

A few days ago, I’d been chatting with a friend of mum’s who mentioned an old song she was listening to called “Angeline” by Joan Baez, how it reminded her of where we grew up together…..I’ve never heard of this singer, however today, as I opened one of Renee’s magazine's, you can imagine my surprise as this is what I found………..

The quote glaring up at me from the page is;

“YOU DON’T GET TO CHOOSE HOW YOU’RE GOING TO DIE. OR WHEN. BUT YOU CAN DECIDE HOW YOU’RE GOING TO LIVE NOW.’ - JOAN BAEZ

As I read this quote, two things popped into my head….”What a coincidence, and this is a sign from one of my loved ones!”

Before the death of my sister, mum and daughter, I wouldn’t have thought much of this coincidence……but after devouring many metaphysical books, I now believe these messages are itty bitty signposts that I am on the right track in life.

Now, I take notice of this so called phenomenon, it rattles my cage, jolts me back into the present and reassures me I’m on my true path in this life.

The books state these ‘coincidences’ are like red flags to guide you, to help you believe and to signal like a lighthouse beam that you are heading in your destiny’s direction. Whether you believe that or not, I heed these seemingly random red flags, that seem to be waving madly like a Flag Marshall at the end of a Grand Prix Race.

It’s not like my Mum can place a monstrous neon red flashing billboard on the freeway saying “Diana, it’s your mother…choose to be happy and live!” No I think these little subtle coincidences are really secret hidden messages sent to instill belief…to convince me and inspire me to keep going in this direction I’ve chosen.....on this sometimes twisting turning passage called life.

So in saying all that and now you think I’m completely bonkers, off my rocker and crazy (which I already knew). I tore out this Joan Baez quote and put it on my fridge to give me a little nudge, or a shove every day not to forget.

My fridge is full of photos, that prompt me to squeeze every bit of happiness and ‘life’ out of the day. And we do become bogged down with full washing machines of dirty clothes (I don’t iron anymore :)) and we waste time surfing the internet, and doing the mundane things instead of engaging in the important stuff.

This crinkled and worn "Words to LIVE by" is one of my favorites I read everyday...alongside the reminder that "Dull women have immaculate houses!" :)

So look out for the subtle signs that are bona fide, that can knock your socks off...they may just be a sign sent from heaven never to forget, and ALWAYS to believe!

P.S; This is my gorgeous walking, talking, dimpled reminder to grab the good and wrap my arms around life....and choose to 'live!' :)

What are yours? x

This week I'm THANKFUL FOR.................

2011-01-30T13:20:00.000-08:00

I never saw our daughter Savannah run or do so many things after she became sick....so when Dempsey’s sweet girlfriends taught her to jump rope I never take these little things for granted. Watching the thrill in her eyes and her dimples emerge deep in her cheeks as she hurdled the rope…giggling and out of breath, brought a smile to my face…………

When there's so many starving in this world I'm thankful for the delicious waft of fresh baked bread that invokes comfort……still warm and crusty and waiting to be torn apart and devoured.........

And then feeding the crumbs to the starving sparrows that wait for me now in the fresh morning air.

I hear fluttering in the trees as the birds flock to our yard…hopping from branch to branch in eager anticipation….starving, they watch me sprinkle crumbs onto the dewy lawn……I feel good that I’m sharing with natures tiny friends.

Listening to Demps twinkle our piano keys as she practices every morning, it's breakfast for my soul. Her latest song "You fill my heart" just does that! :)

Watching Dempsey shake out her pocket money from her piggy bank and count it for the hundredth time as she hoards penny after penny away for the Panda bear she's desperately saving and waiting for..…..

We bought this pretty rainbow wind catcher. It's calming to watch it spin and twirl in the breeze outside my window............

Dempsey had a Grandparents day concert at school on Friday.

Oh the tears spilled as I watched my baby on the big screen to the tune of ‘Somewhere over the Rainbow’ A special moment I had the privilege to witness however was bittersweet as my Dad and of course my beautiful Mum, couldn't be there to see her.....

She was the only child in her class without a Grandparent and this made me sad...but wait, oh how lucky we are.....Dempesy's BFF's Grandparents invited her out for lunch with them...... "Would Demps like to adopt us for the day?" they asked me. I tried hard not to cry at how grateful I was! They will never know how special it was for me...and Dempsey...even if it was at 'Denny's' :)

And the icing on the cake was yesterday! Meet Pixie the Panda...its a Fur Real Pet and growls, giggles and snores if you leave it alone for more than ten minutes! (louder than my husband too!)

My absolute joy yesterday was watching my baby in the long check out line at T J Max. She smiled at strangers and they smiled back....with love in their eyes at Dempsey, waiting patiently, piggy bank in one hand, brimming with coins.....and her Panda in the other.

Even the check out boy wasn't perturbed at the crash of coins she unleashed on his counter....and I was also THANKFUL for that!:)

Wishing you Sunshine if your cup is blue and a great start to a new week!

love D x

Losing AND gaining friends after grief! x

2011-01-25T16:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, after a life altering event, strangers become friends and friends become strangers…..

It’s like some friends put you in the “too hard basket.”

I am blessed to have all weather friends, and I love them for that.....but I did lose some after Savannah died!

It’s difficult when friends run and duck for cover, avoid us and pretend everything is ‘normal’ when it’s not…… But that’s human nature I guess. It certainly weeds out the people who matter, who didn’t and who never will. And that is sad, but it’s the reality of being a casualty of grief.

As I lost one after the other, after the other, after the other of my family...I saw friends drop off the radar, stop emailing, phoning and making an effort to invite me out. And to be honest, I DIDN’T want to be lured out to trivial birthday or house warming parties where everyone was laughing or drunk…or celebrating some insignificant (to me) ‘happy’ occasion…...

No, I wanted to hide from reality and get through some tough days, or hours, or minutes….where I could curl up under the blankets and pretend the world was different to what it truly was. It was the only way I knew how to survive.

When Savannah was diagnosed, out of the blue with her fatal illness, I went from a girl who occasionally danced on tables and was the life of the party to someone who’s world had been demolished…shattered! Like a hurricane had ripped through it! And I didn’t know how I would get through moments let alone days after being told my child was going to die and there was nothing we could do to save her life.

Savannah at Disneyland just after she was diagnosed....we wanted to take her there before she got too sick. Love this photo!

Life doesn’t get any harder or any more real than that. And I knew, having such a large circle of friends, they would call, some out of pure love and concern, and others out of curiosity…….. And I couldn’t face them!

So at that time, Peter and I decided to send out the email below ….

Peter and I thought we should email our friends and let them know about Savannah's test results. We know people are probably aware she was having tests, and up until last week we did not have a diagnosis.

Savannah has been diagnosed with Metachromatic Leukodystrophy (MLD), which we had never heard of until now. Metachromatic Leukodystrophy is a terminal illness caused by a rare genetic fault from Peter and I.

Unfortunately, there is no treatment. Bone Marrow and Stem Cell Transplant is experimental at this stage and we are still consulting with Doctors' as to whether it is an appropriate treatment for her condition.

Savannah is still the same beautiful little girl she always has been, she is just having problems with her walking at this stage.

As you can understand it is a very emotional and difficult time for us and our families. We are trying to come to terms with everything and make decisions on what is best for Savannah.

We just ask that you give us some time and not contact us, as you can understand it is just too difficult to talk about at the moment.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Thank You.

And we did need time out……to sort how we were going to carry on……. And as days turned into months and years I didn’t think ‘some’ friends would take that email literally and NEVER contact us ever again….but that’s how it is.

And I can look back now at all the people who aren’t in our life anymore….some I’ve chosen to cut ties with….who didn’t ‘understand’ that to lose a child is one of the hardest things that life can deal you! And some, have chosen not to stay in touch….and I’m fine with that NOW too! I’m not the same! There’s no going back to who I was……my identity now, has changed.

In saying all that, one friend I love who I did lose contact with, just through moving and life getting in the way, tracked me down me last Saturday…..through this blog!

I don’t have the words to express how thrilled I am that Natalie somehow found me……and we’ve talked, and laughed and cried and talked on top of one another. And the beauty of ‘old friends’ is that you have history with them.

Natalie hugging me at her wedding.....I was her bridesmaid and she was mine! :)

Natalie knew my sister, my beautiful mum AND Savannah……how lovely for me that she had the courage to make that first move and reconnect!

So to any of your reading that aren’t sure how to act around someone facing a challenge….pick up the phone or type that email…. Bonds that are created during hardships are some of the strongest ones…..YOU have the opportunity to really help and touch another….and it feels good, trust me!

And as for Natalie and me, well we’ve planned a reunion. I promised to dance on a table again…with her …and to hug her and introduce Dempsey to her twins. It will be big! :)

love you Nat! x

A smoking gun? One explanation for growth after grief! x

2011-01-19T10:41:00.000-08:00

.
Do you ever read something or hear something and it’s like “Whammy?”

Like a lightening bolt has struck you!

You shake your head, utter “Wow, Oh my gosh…I get it now!”

Oprah describes it as an “Aha Moment.” Well I had one of those moments….a revelation after I read Kim’s insightful “Alive and Mortal” blog.

As my eyes scanned the article, it was like someone had turned a blinding light on….like I'd found the smoking gun that explains why I see beauty in the minor details of life….now!

And sometimes it sounds cliché, but I do see the richness of the little things in my day to day experiences, that I didn’t before.

Kim posted an article from MSNBC.com on post trauma. It’s not about post traumatic stress syndrome, rather “Post traumatic GROWTH syndrome.”

In the article it states how after grief or trauma,

“Some never recover. But most do. In fact, nearly two thirds of trauma victims, even those who had extreme pain, say they ultimately benefited from the aftermath of their experience, according to the research of Richard G. Tedeschi, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte.

Tedeschi and his colleagues have tracked outcomes for people who survived accidents and other traumas, such as life-threatening illnesses or the death of a child, and identified a phenomenon they call post-traumatic growth:

Some survivors grow closer to people they love; others develop a sense of personal strength or appreciation for life. Still others deepen their spiritual beliefs or change their career and life goals."

You can read the full article here on Kim’s blog: http://expressive-arts.blogspot.com/2011/01/post-trauma-recovery.html

I have to agree…my direction has changed, altered, been hijacked….however you want to describe it! I wouldn't be writing this blog if it wasn't for grief. I do see life in a different light now. A beaming bright glaring radiance.....in a more appreciative and intensified manner.

Savannah is why I see the world the way I do today! My sister Tarnia, and my Mum have also added to my growth into a person who values every crumb of my existence. Even though my grief will always be there, it’s like now, the world has been stripped bare for me to see the beauty. And I have grief to thank for that.

So in saying that, every week, I hope to post some photos from my days to inspire, to show gratitude and to ‘choose life’ in just the little things that I grasp onto…

Here are some moments from my past week that I am thankful for.....

Dempsey all rugged up, on her first trip to experience snow at Writghtwood!

A picture speaks a thousand words....squeezing my baby...is there anything better?

Watching Demps build her very first Snowman with tender loving care!

Winter has melted into Summer this week in California....I love to watch my girl swim laps on a warm Saturday afternoon

Another day I am blessed to enjoy..............Sunset from our backyard last Friday.....no words are needed!

One of my favorite things in my world...candles! My new candelabra on our Friday night happy hour where I get to enjoy laughter, love and the company of friends!

Dempsey feeding the swarm of ducks chunks of stale bread. Grubby and gorgeous after a day in the sand at the park!

Just one word! "Love"

The thought of Dempsey opening her lunchbox today and imagining the smile my little notes bring to her sweet cheeks!

I hope in the future, those of you reading who are experiencing fresh grief will also have this gift….actually I don’t hope…I know in time, the gift of engaging in life and being grateful for the little things and who you become through grief will transform you.

PS: Thank you to all those who commented, emailed and supplied me with love on Savannah's Anniversary.....know you made a difference to my day. Thank You! Diana x